Learning to say good bye

I recently attended a seminar where the speaker spoke on life transitions. She drew a diagram that illustrated 3 sections.  On the bottom she wrote losses and at the top she wrote the word future.  The middle was the largest section.  Then she began telling us that before we can successfully adapt to the future we must find a way to complete the unfinished business of our past.  She said too often people want to move directly into the future without reconciling their past.  The middle is that transition area where you are reconciling those past losses.  Some examples of losses she gave were losing a job, death of a loved one, loss of a pet, etc.  If we do not successfully come to grips with those losses it will only lead to a future that is filled with unfinished business and unmet dreams.

 Every life has stages of transitions. A friend told me that each year her child entered a new grade in school she would ritually shake their hand and say ‘goodbye’ to them. She knew that when her child came home that day there would be something different about them. Saying good bye to them was her way of making peace with the past so she can make the transition to the future.

 

I remember after our daughter passed away how I had wanted to adopt another child.  I rationalized in my mind that doing so would allow us to become a family of four again.  When I looked at my journal entry I noticed that it was less than a month after her death that I thought seriously about adopting again.  In light of the topic of transition I realized that had we adopted another child without first reconciling our loss that we would have put all of our unfinished business and expectations on this new child.  We would had continued to be filled with grief because of our failure to  reconcile our loss. This would had been unfair to them.

Most of us will never experience the loss of a child, but all of us will experience the momentary feelings of sadness as they experience their child moving away from mom and dad.   I remember one parent remarking in jest how they wish they could keep their child from growing up. Knowing this parent I knew that he wasn’t serious, but I think he was openly expressing the momentary bouts with grief as he watched his child grow. 

Some of us have a hard time reconciling the past because the past is filled with those unwanted friends known to us as ‘I should have’ and ‘I regret’.   I should have taken my son to more Twins games. I should have taken him fishing more often. I regret not spending more time with them.   No matter how old your child is there is always more you could have done for them.  Do not believe the advertising lie which says that unless you buy this product for your child that you are a very bad parent.

Transitions bring blessings.  To have a well adjusted child you have to allow them to grow up and become independent.  If you desire to experience grand children one day you have to let go of that young person so they can attend college and grow in social and intellectual confidence. Hanging onto that child forever will only create a emotionally paralyzed person who is unable to transition to a future.

Go ahead and practice saying good bye to that young person knowing that you are preparing your future with finished business of the past and a future full of satisfaction and fulfilled dreams.