Translate

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Tips on ministering to people who have suffered losses



Where am I going with this topic? The isolation that is imposed on families who have suffered the loss of a child, or sibling, by those around them is perhaps the most damaging effects of their grief recovery. There, I said it and now the Pandora box has been opened. Since our daughter died 5 years ago I have noticed this in other families going through the grieving process as those around them try to make them what they once were before the loss.  They try to cheer them up, tell jokes, or attempt to divert them onto to other topics away from the loss. " Say how about those /Vikings?" or "what do you think about that string of warm weather we're been having?" are just some of the examples of comments I have heard over the years.

It seems that most are capable of only giving casual acknowledgment of their grieving while only a few are capable of actually sitting in the muck and the mire of the families grief for however long it would take before they have any sense of returning to normalcy they once were before their tragic loss.

I still profoundly remember after Maria died when the school chaplain sent a letter to all of the families at her school to not contact our family "because all of their needs were being met by their church". This was not our wish and it set us on a course that summer of isolation and pain that made us wonder if anyone out there even cared about us?  I thought this was a only a mistake, but when my brother in law made a  comment passed along from one family member to the next prior to our trip to California last summer to please not mention Maria's death to his new wife while we are there I realize this wasn't a mistake. Say what?  How is it not possible to talk about our little girl who we spent the first 10 years raising or the sibling my son played with in those years?   We think about her 24-7 and yet we can't talk about those memories with the people who also knew her?

The image that comes to my mind is our family waiting to board the ship, We're in this large room. There are hundreds of other families with looks of shock and sadness.  These families didn't want to be in this room. No.  They were not taking a cruise to Cancun, nor were they being greeted by the Disney character's  prior to boarding.  In their hand were the tickets given them to travel to the island where families who have lost children must go.  As long as they are on this island then those around them will not have to handle how to express on-going condolences to them.  This imposed isolation by those around them who simply want life to be like it was before the loss is unbearable for many suffering those losses.

It seems that when we lose a parent or grandparent we understand the process of how to grieve and offer condolences, but when a child dies there is no instructional manual we can turn to too help us. Simply, children are not suppose to die before us which means we cannot put our hands around that beastly thought.

To help you understand how you can better support those around you who must grapple with this unthinkable I have place a link to Compassionate Friends on my website www.soaringonwingsofeagles.weebly.com.  I would encourage you to go that link so you have have a better idea how to support those who have suffered and continue to suffer with these types of losses.

Life does change forever when a child dies.  We are not the people we once were before our loss, but having friends who are willing to walk with us through this painful journey and allow us to talk about our loss will help us recover quicker than being given a ticket to the island where families who have suffer losses of children go.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Our God is a mighty rescuer


but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31

Our family attended the showing of the Hobbit recently and found it to be a very well done movie from a entertainment standpoint.  My favorite scene from this movie was when the dwarfs and hobbits were facing impending doom at the hands of the Orcs when out of nowhere a flock of eagles had come to rescue each of them from their doom.

This was the way God had worked in each of our lives on the morning of our daughter's passing. Sensing that our family would face an irreversible and fatal blow God sent eagles down to bring us to safety. Each of us was picked up by a different eagle and each of us took a very different journey to safety.  All of us were rescued  and in the end each of us came out of the dark periods of our lives much stronger than when we first went in.

Our God made a promise to us that we would not be forgotten. He fulfilled his promise to us by sending us the gift of a Savior.  Just like each of us chose to opened the door of our hearts to allow Jesus to come in He is standing at your heart asking if you would let him in and when you do He promises to walk with you through whatever journey your life takes you on.  

When impending doom encroaches on you you can rest knowing that you have a savior who will rescue you from all perils and dangers whether like our daughter He brings her home to heaven, or He surrounds you with the mighty winged eagle to rescue  you and bring you to a place of safety and make you stronger once the storm passes.


Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Adrian Peterson talks about watching his brother die after being hit by a car at 7


Minnesota Viking Adrian Peterson shares with a CBN reporter how his faith in Christ has kept him strong and helped him recover from a near career ending injury one year ago.  Midway through his interview he shares about watching his older brother die after being hit by a car when he was 7 years old and what that meant in his life.  He is another example of how God healed his pain and helped him excel on the gridiron.

Amazing how a child can remind us of the preciousness of life

There have many times in the past 5 years where I have seen my son reminding us of the beauty of life and when our love one departs they immediately are ushered into the very presence of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. If only we could get a simple glimpse of that homecoming. Alas, we are left here to shed tears of sorrow until a young child reminds us of God's love for us. Isn't that what Christmas is about? To celebrate the time God brought a young child into our world who would be the saving grace for all mankind. through this child all of us have the opportunity to have our own homecoming.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Enjoy this lighthearted story written one year ago


                                   It was a day after Christmas in the land of no snow
The day after Christmas we had record setting temperatures well into the low 50’s in the land of no snow. In a land that was by any other year was use to record setting lows, trips to the emergency room for frost bite, and kids getting new winter coats because they wore out the ones they wore the year before. Fathers and sons were looking forward to trying out their new Ferrari fast snow mobiles and good Samaritan neighbors often looked forward to being neighborly by blowing out the driveways of people of lesser means who only had a single shovel. On those rare occasions when Paul the weather guy was correct in his weather prediction those with just a simple shovel would rise early in the morning only to find their neighbor had snow blown half of his driveway. That was the way it was in the land of snow and when this travesty of warm California like temperatures started occurring people found it hard to find other ways of being neighborly. Minnesotans are a very passive bunch and would often rather do something to befriend someone than spend an hour chatting with them.

The guys at the VFW hall who went snow chasing came back empty handed. They drove as far west as New Mexico before they began seeing flakes before deciding that they ought to go back home before their wives and girl friends started to miss them. The day after Christmas was meant as a day where dad’s took their kids sledding at the nearest hill. It was a day of climbing up the hills pulling their kids in their sleds and riding down with them if they are young. It was a day where all the dads wished they had taken better care of themselves and wondering if climbing the hill would bring on a massive coronary. The day after Christmas was meant to be a day of drinking hot cocoa and putting another log on the fire and sharing memories of Christmas’s in by-gone era when the two of you were small. It was not meant going out side changing fuses in the Christmas lights because the rain had shorted out the lights.

Most families in these parts had already packed away their summer clothing in October and when Cam the weather guy from CC0 reported more balmy weather they were left to look at all their sweaters and thick sweat shirts and wondering what they had to wear. In one household William was so determined to take advantage of the warm weather that he ran downstairs to tear into the box marked summer clothes which was at the very bottom of the neatly arranged stack that took his wife days to organize.

Families in the land of no snow began to see this as a new pattern of weather. They began to adapt by filling their gas grills with propane and getting the garden hoses out and attempting to get their grass out of dormancy. The woman in town got together and disperse any seeds they had between them to see if they could grow something in this much improve growing climate.

Kids were adapting very nicely and in fact enjoyed going outdoors not having to bundle up so tight with several layers of clothing. Through the front window mom’s and dad’s could watch as they were riding the bikes they got for Christmas and laughing with their friends. Some were playing catch while throwing the football with their dad in the front yard. Little Tommy Thatchard was running through the sprinkler his mom put out for him. Even the dogs got into the act as they retrieve the ball that was thrown by their master in a endless game of catch.

The day after Christmas was no retailer’s dream as people began returning the winter coats they receive for Christmas thinking that they no longer needed these thick coats with the changing California like weather that until now they could only dream about. Retailers had only begun putting up the signs for spring season wear, but they had no spring clothing to sell to these people returning their coats. After all, the spring clothing wasn’t due in until February.

With no snow in the forecast home owners who were counting on snow to hold their manger scenes down were out of luck. Whenever a northwesterly wind came up each of these manger figurines would blow over as though nature was having fun bowling. Mark, who lived in the blue house across the street from ours had a very frustrating time with his collapsing manger scene until he decided to give up setting it up until the winds had passed over.

Down at the Realtor’s office, Angela, a registered and licensed realtor was fielding phone calls from speculators wanting to cash in on what they think would become new ocean front property when property west of the Minnesota border would collapse into the ocean as a result of predicted tsunami’s and earthquakes. Overnight small towns near the border saw sky rocketing land values. Folks like Avis and Arlen Stankey were made instant millionaires when they sold their small plat of land on E Bay. Lutheran Pastors were so concerned about this instant wealth that they began delivering sermons on the dangers of greed.

All good things must come to an end in the land of no snow. That night we watched Cam the weather guy from CC0 report on a major snow storm moving in from Colorado. He described the epic cold that would follow with a path of 10 foot snow drifts. The guys from the VFW lodge who went snow chasing were buying each other a round of drinks while patting themselves on their backs because they accomplished their mission after all.

The good Samaritan neighbors were ecstatic at the prospects of helping their less fortunate shovel poor neighbors. Those who took their winter coats back to the store thinking we were about to be the new California were disappointed and were left to wear their old worn out winter coat with the tear in the sleeve. Retailers were having a heyday as they sell the remaining stock of warm winter clothing. Wives were looking forward to making hot cocoa and reading their novel by the fire while the snow blew outside. Children that night were all heard praying to God to grant them a snow day so they could stay home and play. What they didn’t know was how the school administrators were praying that everything will work out logistically and that the roads would get plowed so school could be held. I am sure the good Lord was up there smiling wondering which prayer to answer.

There is a certain badge of honor to living in this land. Unless you grew up on a farm you very rarely saw a snow day. Almost as though the folks from the land of snow enjoyed gloating to their neighbors to the south and west how strong they are because they made it to work and school despite the high snow drifts and treacherous roads. They would laugh at the reports from other states when everything shut down when the temperature dropped below 32 degrees.

The unseasonably warm weather in the land of no snow was merely a blip on the radar. Almost like God decided to have a laugh by shifting the weather patterns around and watching people struggle as they try to adapt to something they are not accustomed to this time of the year. So when the snow fell and the temperatures dip people were relieved in the land of snow. Now they get their bragging rights back about how they survived the great blizzard of 011.
Todd Gabrielson

Friday, December 21, 2012

Seeking a new balance in a family who has suffered the loss of a child

Compassionate friends is another support group that families who have suffered the loss of a child can attend to gain emotional support and understanding. I have included this 55 minute webinar on my blog as a educational tool to teach you  about how losing a child can effect the family. Compassionate friends has helped thousands of families every year to recover from the throes of grief. I encourage you to listen to this informative webinar and also encourage you to forward this blog to anyone you may know who has experience the death of a child.

Celebrating Christmas in the midst of grieving



Recently, I listened to the wife of a Pastor share her grief over losing their 12 year old son, Conner, to a sudden unexpected medical event just 3 1/2 years ago.  Before losing her son she remembers how critical of people she would be who struggled with depression and anxiety disorders. Only after she lost her son did she truly understand why people struggle with these problems.Her husband remembers not really understanding the significance of  losing a child even though he had counseled many couples who did suffer this type of loss  Only when he lost Conner did he suddenly understand  the  pain of losing a child.

His wife describes her grief as though she had been thrown into a very deep, cavernous pit and looking up and asking God 'why us'. She describes how she couldn't sing certain praise songs in church that had the phrase,'God is good all the time' and thinking that God isn't good all the time because this doesn't feel like love. She remembers well meaning friends tossing her bible verses to cling to that might offer her a glimmer of hope, but in reality what she needed was for someone to climb down into the cavernous pit and sit with her as she worked through the ugly and messy grief process.


 Finally one day she received a phone call from a woman who lost her 17 year old son several years ago. She offered no bible verses, but  instead threw down a long ladder and climbed directly into the dark pit and sat with her as she grappled with her messy grief.

Christmas time is often a painful time for families who struggle over the memories of their deceased child. The surviving children often struggle watching their classmates criticize their siblings and talking all the things they want for Christmas. While their friends are living in a Disney experience these children are forced to experience something most of us do not experience until much later in life.   Instead of experiencing the joys of the Christmas  these  families have been thrown into a dark and cavernous pit where it is very hard to experience the joys that others feel.


Are you willing to throw down a ladder and climb  into the cavernous pit where your grieving friend sits?  This is exactly what they need when grief overtakes them. When you do decide to climb into the pit please be reminded that  the grief process isn't determined by you, but it is determined by the uniqueness of their grief.  Your willingness to walk this grief journey with them will in the end carry intangible rewards as you see full healing take place in their lives. You will experience joy as you watch your friend singing in church  the very song he or she could not sing when grief first entered their life.


May you and your family have a very blessed and joy filled Christmas as we reflect on God's gift to the world which reminds us that no matter what happens in this life God's son is their to help us.


Tuesday, December 18, 2012

In all due respect sir I think this is going to be our finest hour


Fiscal cliff, school shootings, shorter days and longer nights, economic uncertainty are just some of the things that cause us to despair.  As I laid in bed trying to sleep I remembered the famous words uttered by the Apollo 13 chief to quiet down all of the naysayers in the mission room.

It seems that at times misery likes company.  It is easier to come up with reasons why something cannot be done than it is to come up with a solution to the problem.  What if Thomas Edison had given up on ever inventing the light bulb as failure after failure occurred?  What if Alexander Graham Bell gave up on inventing the telephone as he saw his experiments fail? What if our government had decided to give into the south and instead of being one great nation we remained two smaller entities?  

Some of the greatest accomplishments have occurred in the 'finest hours'. Some of the greatest political accomplishments have occurred when there are known deadlines approaching.  In regards to the fiscal cliff 24 hour coverage the media isn't telling us all of the closed door meetings that are currently going on to work out a deal.  All we are seeing are short quotes from both parties which are design to maximize the media coverage.

After our daughter passed away I discovered through my season of grief that God has been and continues to be the master of comeback stories.  It doesn't matter which book you read, old or new testament, you will notice many come back stories.  If we trust God and believe that He can do what he says in the bible we will come out stronger at the end of our season of grief than we first went in.

If you are in a season of grief where it is hard for you to be positive try watching movies like Apollo 13, It's a wonderful life,  and Rudy because these are all comeback movies where against impossible odds great things were accomplished.  

As you see your self getting discouraged imagine that you wife turns to you with a smile on her face and says, "In all due respect sir, this is going to be our finest hour",

Monday, December 17, 2012

As a dad who lost a child this is what I think will play out in Connecticut




This coming week is going to be hard on anyone touched by the tragedies coming out of New Town, Connecticut. Who can ever forget the breaking news of a deranged gun men breaking into a elementary school and killing 20 impressionable children and 7 adults who tried to prevent him from the attacks.


Who can ever forget seeing the faces of distraught and emotionally exhausted mom's and dad's as they walked away from the school having just learned that their child was one of those who died in the attacks. Grief will not be easy for any of these families.


This week many of these 5-10 year old's will be buried. These families will be riding a supernatural strength as they make their funeral arrangements so much so that many of their friends, untouched by tragedy, will remark about how well they are doing despite losing a child. Some of these families will experience financial havoc along with their emotional pain as some of them won't have life insurance to pay for the funeral and burial expenses. In a conversation I had with a funeral home director following the death of our daughter I was surprise to hear this fact. None of us expect to bury a child.


They will continue to ride the supernatural strength through the day of the funeral where some of the dad's will want to say something about their child despite the Pastor cautioning him about the possibility of being overcome with emotion and not being able to finish their speech. Only when they agreed that the Pastor can step forward to finish what he was saying do they agree on this arrangement.


Once the final clump of dirt has been tossed into the grave of their child and everyone goes their own ways do the parents begin to feel the supernatural strength leave them and a significant depression overtakes them. That first week they will have problems sleeping. Tossing and turning they will be unable to escape the images of what they imagine are their child's final moments before he or she died. Some parents will sleep with an article of their child's clothing hoping to smell their scent in disparate attempt to feel their child's closeness. Husbands and wives will begin to grieve like polar opposites. Husbands vent their anger and try to place blame what caused these tragedies. Wive's will desire to attempt to get through the grief by crying. Because of their anger husbands will not be able to provide the comfort their wive's will need at this juncture of their grief.


The surviving children in these families will struggle as well. Many of them will wonder why mommy and daddy stopped loving them. They see mommy sleeping long hours and when she is awake her eyes will be puffy red. They will noticed that their mom doesn't wear her contacts and how different she looks with her glasses on. Their children will struggle for many months when they return to school. They will go to school wondering why all of their classmates are happy while they have this stomach ache and this overwhelming sadness. Gone is their child like innocence that others untouched by tragedy still have. The good news, if there is one, is many of these children will have a delayed grief. It is almost as though a protective sheathing has been placed around them until mom and dad have completed their painful grief process.


If there are teenagers in these families many of these will attempt to delay their grief by being a parent in these homes. Watching their mom and dad deal with their grief they will attempt to put on a macho exterior and pretend that everything is normal. They will take out their grief by playing video games or worst experiment with drugs and alcohol. Some may become addicted to alcohol because it helps deaden the pain they feel.


Some of these families may even reject God because 'why would God allow my child to die in this horrific manner? Some will draw nearer to God and continue to go to church. Church will not be the same for them as it was when their family was healthy and they were dropping their children off at Sunday school. They will sit in the Sanctuary on Sunday being unable to sing certain songs because they were songs about praise and for them they have nothing to praise God about in the midst of tragedy.


These families will need friends who are willing to travel the entire distance of their grief, no matter how long it takes for them to get through the grief. They will need friends who are willing to sit in silence and provide comfort when comfort is needed. The father's touched by tragedy will need good male friends who are willing to listen to him tell and retell the story of their loss, no matter how many times he has heard it. These dad's will need friends to allow them to ventilate the anger they are unable to vent with their wife who is processing her grief differently.


Recovering from grief and trauma will be hard to do without some psychological intervention. Practically of these families will need to be involved in individual therapy and grief groups to help them recover. Their surviving children should be encouraged to participate in children's grief groups the same night mom and dad attend.


For our family it has been 5 1/2 years since Maria died. Our family chose to draw near to God in this time of crisis. In the beginning it was painful going to church and hearing people talk about their vacations and what each of their children are doing while we continued to be in the throes of grief. Simply putting one foot in front of the other we began to enjoy the friends we had before our daughter's death We were comforted with the thought that Maria had beaten all of us to heaven and that one day we would see her again.


The families that were marred by this tragedy must cling to the same hope. It is this hope of seeing their deceased child again one day that will enable them to continue living.

Posted by Todd Gabrielson at 4:33 AM

Saturday, December 15, 2012

"Nothing can replace the empty space left by a lost child"


When I first heard about the senseless tragedy coming out of Connecticut where 20 children were shot dead and 7 others, including the shooter's mother who was found dead at home I was beside myself  thinking of all of the families who now must grieve for these lost children.  

Empty beds, endless crying, sleepless nights, an ache that simply will not go away, feelings of loneliness as people around them grapple for words they cannot find to offer solace they may never give are just some of the flood of words that come to my mind.

Gone are the lost dreams of these children: birthday parties, sleepover's at the grandparents, field trips, growth charts, first permit to drive, first dates, prom, college admissions, graduations, weddings, grand children are additional words that flood my mind as I reflect on this senseless tragedy.

Each time I read about or hear about one of these senseless tragedies my mind draws me back to the early morning hours of June 10th, 2007 when the emergency medical technician informed us in the presence of our children's pastor and police chaplain that they did all they could, but Maria could not be revived. It was at that point that like many of these Connecticut parents we collapsed under the weight of our grief wanting to know answers why if we supposedly have a 'good' God would He allow for this to happen?

Only after many months of traveling the road of anger and depression did I finally see that it wasn't God that permitted these things to happen.  No, the hard reality is we live in a fallen world where man chooses to follow an appetite of insatiable greed and idolatry rather than care for the most vulnerable among us. 

There are no winner's in this senseless tragedy.  The shooter had problems of his own with being a  younger son of a broken marriage and the lost child who hadn't spoken to his older brother in two years. There is no justification for anyone to walk into a school and senselessly murder children between the ages of 5 and 10, but had this family made a conscious decision to work on their marriage and build their lives into their children I have a feeling that the tragedy in Connecticut may never had occurred. 

Finally, I was reminded today of the professionalism and dedication of the these teachers at Sandy Hook Elementary school. Many of these teachers put their own lives in harms way to keep their students safe.  They pursued a profession knowing that with their intellect they could have chosen a career that paid 2 or 3 times what they would make as teacher's, but yet they chose to pursue a profession that would help prepare today's young people for tomorrow's jobs.

If you do anything in the coming days please hug your child and tell them how much you love them and then turn to your spouse and in their presence hug your spouse and tell them how much you love them. Our children need to feel secure and as they become independent they need to know that their parents are at the very circle of their existence much like the planets revolving around the sun.  

There are lessons to be learned today. It isn't how big your bank account is, or whether you can afford that summer home up north. No, the lesson we learn today is the importance of providing a secure family for our children where they feel loved every day they walk through the front door of their  home.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

If you could see me now




IF YOU COULD SEE ME NOW

When a death in the family occurs it seems that the hardest time for all of us is during the holidays where most of the memories occurred with the one who has died.  The oversize chair in the living room where father use to sit when gift opening took place now is occupied by a different person.  The little girl who died use to occupy the seat closest to the Christmas tree which now sits vacant. The couch that grandma use to sit in no longer is occupied.  Tears of sorrow are commonplace when those we loved are no longer present.

If only we could take a sneak peak on the other side of the great divide that separates this place from heaven.  If only we could get a glimpse of heaven much like little kids watching a big league game through the knot hole in the fence.  Imagine we could and imagine if you could see your loved one celebrating their first Christmas in heaven. You might hear the most glorious Christmas music coming from your loved one who is laughing and having a merry time jumping, running and hopping around in his brand new heavenly body. You might hear church bells ringing and people singing at the top of their lungs. In short, they are having a happy time without any ounce of sorrow.

Knowing this then shouldn't this give us the strength to carry on and celebrate the birth of Jesus here on earth. If knowing our loved one is rejoicing and having fun with other believers shouldn't we put on the happy face and joyously sing songs of praise to our living creator?  They can experience Christ, but we can anticipate seeing him.  If you could see Him now then you will want to celebrate Christmas and you will want to create the memories that will last for a lifetime because one day you also will be on the other side of the great divide enjoying Christmas with the creator of the universe, Jesus Christ.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

God is in the remodeling business



Occasionally after dropping my son off at school I would pull into the nearby McDonald's where I would enjoy a fresh cup of coffee and catch up on the morning newspaper before my drive to work. This particular McDonald's holds quite a few memories for me as the place I would take my kids who enjoyed playing in the play land. 

This McDonald's looked different since they remodeled the store several months ago. Gone was the familiarity of the old place.  In it's place was a modern McDonald's that appealed to adults. When I glanced in the play area it to looked different having none of the things I remembered it when my kids use to play in there.

Corporations have a right, of course, to re-brand themselves to appeal to a wider range of people.  They have to in order to continue surviving in this dog eat dog  retail environment.  A fresh image and a remodeled store is what brings people into those stores and it is what drives the profits. As I pondered on this point it occurred to me that God is in the remodeling business. He is the one that takes broken people and gives them a new heart and a new purpose in life.  He is the one who can change a once angry old codger and give him a joyful spirit that draws people to salvation.  People who knew his former self are drawn to the cross when they see his new Christ filled self and the joy that permeates from him. As more people experience the new life that only Christ can give then the greater impact Christ can have on the world around him.

I must say that I like the new look of this McDonald's and it is that new look that brings me back for a simple cup of coffee.  

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Paul first Christmas in heaven








The wolf shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the young goat, and the calf and the lion and the fattened calf together; and a little child shall lead them.
                                                              

Paul decided to take a break from polishing the piano he was building. He hung his apron on the hook in his workshop and decided to venture outdoors to breath in the clean heavenly air.   As he strolled through the grass he came upon a lion playing with a small child. He watched in wonderment at how playful the lion seemed to be and then realizing he wouldn't ever see this scene in his former life. The last time he remembers seeing a lion was when he took his children to the zoo and the lion was behind a secure fence.He even remembers how there have been tragic deaths at the hands of the lion because parents did not heed the warning not to place their child on the fence for picture taking. But, this was heaven where sin no longer reigns and where he could stroll with the once feared animals with total peace of mind.

Paul often be lying on the ground having a time of reflection while reading one of the great works of the Old or New testaments  when one day this huge head would reach down and lick his face with it's tongue and sitting up he realized it was one of the many wolves that he had seen in this place. The wolf merely wanted to have it's ears scratched and Paul was more than happy to accommodate his request.

Paul waves to the Matty, Joshua, Maria and Suzanne who appeared to be playing hot scotch with a small lamb  just below their favorite climbing tree.  The children wave back before returning to the fun they were having.

Paul continued walking along the cobblestone path lined with beautiful pine trees toward one of many chapels.  He was yearning to listen and perhaps worship himself at the chapel. Since his arrival he has leaned that this is one of the many perks of this place which is the ability to worship at will. Paul loved going to church every Sabbath in his former home and the thought of being able to worship the God of the universe anytime was a great feeling for him.

 Since coming home to heaven Paul had been blessed with a wonderful singing voice which was something he was not as fortunate to have in his former home. He remembers how friends would jokingly refer to him as the shower singer because it was only when he was showering that his voice had any tone. Paul remember one Christmas years ago where a group of singers who were going caroling and friends encouraging him to find something else to do with his time because they were afraid he would draw them off pitch. Entering the equipment room upon his arrival he was blessed to receive a brand new spiritual body which included well oiled vocal cords for praising the Lord. 

Reaching over the peak of the hill he now could see the English Tudor style chapel and as he got closer he could hear the sounds of Christmas emulating from it. Paul was about to experience his first Christmas in heaven and from the sounds he was hearing he was looking forward to the experience.







Friday, November 30, 2012

Families who lose a child need to know that others care and love them...




American's are not very good when it comes to grieving. We tend to run from our grief by burying ourselves in work so we do not have the time to think of it.  If  traumatic grief occurs we are more apt to sell our home and leave our communities  where we have established friendships and move far away from the emotional triggers of grief.  We're more apt to file divorce to get away from the emotional triggers than make a commitment to counseling to work through the grief.

We treat others who are grieving by attempting to get their minds off of their grief by telling a funny story or changing he subject.   I heard the story from a friend who said that just a  few days after their loss the school chaplain where their kids attended sent an e mail to all of the families asking them not to call them because all of their needs were being met by their church. This friend told the chaplain and the principal that this was not their wish and he didn't seem to understand why it was  wrong to send that e mail. The sad reality was not one family had contacted them that summer to express their condolences to them.  In essence, the actions on the part of the school chaplain at the time caused their family unintended harm as they were forced to grieve in isolation and at the same time the e mail prevented the families an opportunity for healing of their own grief.

When a family loses a loved one the last thing they need is complete silence.  They need friends to rally around them and take turns to spend time with them. They need families to invite the surviving children over to their homes for a movie and pizza night where just for one night their children can experience fun in their lives.  One family these friends spoke with said that they never called because they assumed based on the e mail that they didn't want any calls. 

If there are any school chaplains out there I would encourage you to first consult with the families before you send any hastily worded  e mails to the school families. Families who experience the loss of a child need to know that other families care and love them. Wishing the phones would ring and living a daily drudgery of stone dead silence only prolongs the painful grief process.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

The other day our friend Paul met 4 young friends who he learned never really had a chance to enjoy life as he did on earth







As Paul worked on the grand piano in his work shop he remembered the conversations he had with Matty, Maria, Joshua and Suzanne and how in their earthly lives a physical impairment prevented them from climbing the trees they were now climbing in heaven. He thought of his own earthly impairment which seem to take it's toll on his earthly body before it  gave out the day of the deadly car crash when he felt this instant warm glow and the very presence of  God's angels who brought him home to the equipment room where he was about to see first hand God's promise of making all things new again.

On this day in heaven Paul decides to hang up his carpenter's tools and head down to the outdoor amphitheater where he would  enjoy listening to praise music at the shore of the pristine and sparkling lake with smells that were free from milfoil he was so use to smelling on the lakes in Minnesota. As he headed for the area where the singing would take place he could hear the crisp sounds of the blue jays, robins and chickadees as though they were their own angelic choir. He watched as other little kids were playing and having the time of their lives and as he watched he wondered about each of their stories of what their life might have been like in their previous earthly existence.

In the distance he could see Jesus milling around giving people hugs.  Then Jesus saw Paul and walked toward him. When he came closer he could hear him.

Jesus:  " Paul, I got a prayer call from your wife and children. They were each asking for strength to help them through their weak moment and each of them asked me to give a hug to their daddy."

Paul got his hug from Jesus.

Paul: " How is my family doing?
Jesus: " Paul, you do not have to worry for them.  I have sent good and well grounded people into their lives to help them through this time.  Your wife is involved in a support group of Christian's who lost spouses and she is finding a common bond with these people.

Paul: " and my children?"
Jesus: " I have covered each of your children with a protective shield at this time and once their mom has worked through her grief I will begin to help each of your children work through their grief."

Paul: " Jesus, I can't wait to tell my earthly family all the new friends I have met here in heaven. Nor can I wait to show them the sheer beauty of this place. It is never a boring moment."

Jesus:" Remember when you were down there I encouraged you to read the bible where you could learn God's story and how out of reading you came to know me as your personal savior?"

Paul: " I sure do."

Jesus: " and how I walked with you and helped you with some of the critical decisions of your life? and how you honored me by being my witness to all who needed to hear my story of salvation.?"

Paul:" I do ."

Jesus: " It is the same way now for your family and unsaved friends down there. I desire that  God's word reach every person on earth because I do not want to see anyone to perish.

Paul: " It is too bad we couldn't just televise real time images back to them and then they will know and believe."

Jesus: " If it was that simple, but even without the doing the things you suggest I continue to be working in the lives of many men, woman and children who are every day bringing people to completely changed lives."

Paul: " I believe."

Jesus:  " Paul, when you accepted me as your savior you began to experience the abundant life,  I became your anchor to help stabilize you through the storms of that life. Those who accept me as their savior will also experience the abundant life and I will reveal to each of them how I will use them."

Paul:  " and when their time has come and they come home to this place they will equally and truly be amazed how all things are made new again".

Jesus: " that's right Paul"

Jesus continues walking and giving more hugs from loved ones on earth.
As Paul continue walking he began to hear the crisp sounds of the children's choir and up on the stage he saw his new friends, Matty, Joshua, Maria and Suzanne all singing to the delight of those present. He took a seat on the grass and let the sounds of the choir and the beauty of this place soak in.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Our friend Paul soon learns that God really does make all things new again





You might remember that Paul was killed when a speeding car crashed into his and Jesus sent his angels down to  bring him home to heaven. Paul was then brought into Heaven's equipment room where Jesus exchanged his time worn earthly body with a brand new heavenly one. Paul had a chance to run and do things he never could do in his limited earthly body when he proudly announced that he "wasn't even tired". Paul then was brought into the Reception room of heaven where he was greeted by many people he once knew from his past that turned out to be people who had greatly encouraged him in spiritual journey on earth. Paul had a chance to see his child who died years earlier who gently reminded his dad that he really didn't have to worry about him because his new life in heaven has been so much fun.  :Paul would then learn that his new job would be working as a carpenter which he never could do in his earthly existence and has quickly grasp the skills of his new occupation by creating grand pianos for those who love to play.

On this day we find Paul looking out of his workshop at a landscape of beautiful flowers with shimmering colors he had never seen before on earth and looking at a small lake with water much more cleaner than anything he had ever seen where he came from and tall mighty oak, elm and birch trees with their leaves gently blowing in the wind. In one oak tree he noticed several kids playing in one and decided to set down his carpenter tool and walk over to talk with them.

Paul: " Hi It looks all of you are having fun up there!"

The kids look down to see who it was that was talking to them. One young girl was the first to speak up.

Girl: "I am having so much fun being up here with my friends"

Paul: : "When I was a kid I use to love climbing trees. Say, what are your names?"

All the kids volunteered to say their name first before the girl that initially spoke put everything in order.

Girl: " The boy up there is Matty and the one way up there is Joshua and the other girl way out on that limb is Suzanne"

Paul: " And how bout your name?"

Girl: " My name is Maria"

Paul: " Can you kids tell me  a little more about yourselves?" He paused to reflect on his words. " When I first came to heaven I was brought into this equipment room where Jesus gave me this brand new heavenly body."

Matty: " I know that room. It was the same room I came into where I got this awesome body that allowed me to do the things I never could do on earth."

Joshua: " Me too."

Suzanne: " also me".

Maria finally speaks up. "  I never could climb trees before I got this brand new heavenly body. I remembered watching my brother and his friends climbing and having so much fun and wishing I could just once sit on a tree branch"

Paul looked quizzically at each of the kids and wondered more about what their lives were like on earth before Jesus brought them home.

Paul: " Matty can you tell me a little more about yourself about your life on earth?"

Matty chirped up. " My parents told me that I was born with Spinal Bifida. I never did learn how to walk right and I was in this wheelchair designed for me."

Paul: " Joshua, how about your life?"

Joshua: " I was in a car accident when I was a kid and was in the hospital for many months until the doctor told my parents that I would never walk again.  One night I remembered going to sleep and the next thing I knew Jesus and his angels were standing at my side. I came into the equipment room of heaven and Jesus gave me this body where I could climb trees, run, and do all the things I never could do in my accident prone body on earth."

Paul: " and how bout you Maria?"

Maria: " My mom and dad adopted me from Guatemala.  When I was in my new home they noticed I wasn't walking as well as most kids my age and took me to see doctors. I was diagnosed with mild cerebral palsy and with my mom and dad's help I went to see a physical therapist every week. Then I had this surgery to help me walk better, but the first night I came home from the hospital I remembered going to sleep after my dad kissed me on the forehead and saying "see you in the morning". It seemed like only minutes later when I saw Jesus at my bedside. Next thing I knew I was brought into the equipment room where, like Joshua, Matty and Suzanne I was given this awesome heavenly body that allowed me to do many things I couldn't even do on earth."

Paul: " Those are awesome stories!" He pauses before continuing, " Anyone want to race? I bet you can't beat me?"
All the kids jump down and began running at full speed. Paul takes off in his own mad dash to beat the kids.

Paul quickly learned that God had fulfilled his promise of making all things new again. Through Matty, Joshua, Suzanne and Maria he learned that life in these new heavenly bodies would not compared with the ones they had on earth.  After saying so long to his new found friends Paul heads back to the carpenters workshop where he picked up his tool and continued to work on the grand piano that was beginning to look like one.

Monday, November 26, 2012

One day in Heaven with our friend Paul





One day in heaven with our friend Paul

As you may recall we last left Paul after he had been out running in his new spiritual body before meeting at a reception in his honor where he got to see people from his past he hadn’t seen since they went to heaven.


Paul decides to stop in to see Jesus before heading off to work.


Jesus: “ Good to see you again, Paul” . Jesus gives Paul a hug.


Paul: “ You know I cannot believe how much more beautiful heaven really is than what my mind imagined it to be!”

Jesus: “However, as it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him"


Paul: “ I know that verse Jesus! That is out of the new testament book I Corinthian’s 2-9! I remembered memorizing that verse in college!”


Jesus: “ I remembered how much you loved being involved in the Campus Crusade for Christ ministry and having such a fervent desire within you to meet with your small group”.


Paul: “ I remembered being blessed with Christians in my dorm who helped me find that ministry and how I wondered for a split second whether I had made the wrong choice for colleges”.


Jesus: “ Little did you know Paul that I knew what you needed and when you needed it.”


Paul: “ I know.” As he pondered to reflect on his earthly life,” how easy it was for me to forget about your presense,”

Jesus: You didn’t know that it was by design that I placed you in that upper class dorm where your Christian neigbors would also be well respected football players.”


Paul: “ I didn’t know” He pondered some more with his thougths. “ But you were right about all my questions being answered once I arrived in heaven.”


Jesus: “ How do you like your new job here?”


Paul: “ I love it! Being a carpenter was something I always wanted to be… I remembered my great granddad loved working with wood and my dad also enjoyed creating something out of wood.”

Jesus: “ I bet you didn’t realized that heaven would be a place where would be working?”


Paul: “ I hadn’t, but it makes sense. After all if we are spending eternity then there would have to be a need for people using their skills in performing productive things.”


Jesus: I also bet you didn’t realize that the food in heaven would be so flavorful?"

Paul: “ Jesus, that is the awesome part! First I am given this brand new Spiritual body where I can run and not get tired and then I get these incredible taste buds that allows me to taste the food like I had never tasted at any time on earth!!


Jesus: “ I promised that this new place would be nothing that you had ever experienced on earth and that heaven would be a never boring place to be!”


Paul: “ You are so right about that.” “ I suppose I should get back to the workshop.”


Jesus: “ What are your hands creating today?”


Paul: “ I am making grand piano for a person who loves to play.”


Jesus: “ I can’t wait to hear how it sounds when you are done!”

Paul: “ I can’t either and I am enjoying evey moment of my labor doing it!” Paul walks toward the exit.” Well, I will see you later Jesus!” Paul trots back to his work shop waving to Jesus behind him.


That was a typical day in heaven and a typical day in the life of our friend Paul where every day in heaven is extraordinary and where the food is zestfully good and where people joyfully perform work.

God is a God of 2nd chances and He makes all things new again


"The heavens will declare the beauty of the Lord" Psalm 19

Recently, we spent the day with good friends of ours out at REI watching our son's climb the climbing wall and shopping for hiking boots in preparation for their trip out to Yosemite National Park next summer.  As I watched them try on boot after boot trying to find the right pair for their trip I was reminded how this life we live in is like a journey and we need to have the right equipment to complete this journey.

I was also reminded how we have a God of second chances who could have completely given up on the human race, but He chose to make all things new again. God knows this life as we live it is going to be hard and difficult.  He knows where there is sin there will be dysfunction, addictions, and mental illnesses. He knows there will be split second decisions that change the course of one's future. He understands all that which is why He reminds us that no matter what happens to us in this life He wants to be your journey Master to help guide to you the way you should go.

Sometimes it is easy to allow grief to completely overwhelm you and at times it will feel like you are alone in your misery, but you can be assured that just as you feel overwhelmed with feelings that are out of control His son, Jesus, is sitting there with you shedding His own tears of sorrow for the passing of your loved one.

He wants to remind you that while your loved one is in the very presence of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords and living a new life in a new heavenly body with no earthly illnesses He is there to be your journey Master to guide you through the fiery maze of grief and bring you out stronger and give you a more powerful testimony to point people to the cross of Salvation.  

Are you prepared for the journey?  Like our good friends who found the hiking boots they were looking for have you called upon Jesus who wants and desires to be your journey Master? He will be more than glad to guide your life once you invite Him to join you.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Maria Osmond's first interview following the suicide of her son, Michael



This was Marie Osmond's first interview after her son committed suicide just 8 months before the interview. This interview illustrates how grief can compound itself and cause a person to make irrational decisions leading to the act of suicide. Marie describes for example the death of her dad, her very public divorce and her son being unable to deal with the various losses because as Marie describes it her son loved his family and could not handle losing those he loved.

I encourage you to reach out to friends who may have experience a suicide of a loved one and let them know that you are there for them.  I encourage you to watch this video because I believe it will illustrate what people go through when a family member decides to commit suicide.  

If you have ever contemplated taking your life you must know that there are resources available for you in the community to help you recover from your pain. You are as close to getting help as a simple 9-1-1 call.

After our daughter Maria died unexpectedly on June 10th, 2007 I made sure that my emotional needs were properly addressed when I started therapy with a Clinical Psychologist. I knew I could not fight this battle alone and I needed someone who I could talk to in order to process the shock and despair I was dealing with at the time.  

There is a light at the end of the tunnel of grief. It does get better, but you must stay committed to the course of recovery and endure painful nights and days full of sadness before you begin to turn the corner and begin feeling normal. The friends who walk this journey with you and the professionals who listen to your pain are there to help navigate you to the goal line of recovery. Then one day you will notice a faint smile return to your face as you remember your loved one.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Colleges need to offer grief support to students grieving



Divorce, death of a parent, death of a sibling, break up of a relationship, suicide of a classmate, loss of a close family member, a parents loss of a career, uncertainty of what to pursue for a career all have the same common denominator which is grief.

Kids will often times not begin grieving for their loss until years later and often it doesn't begin until they transition to a new phase of their life which is going away to college.  Colleges do a great job high lighting their many amenities such as having a all you can eat food service, a beautiful new campus library, to having extracurricular activities, but no where in do I find mentioned having grief support groups, or individuals who are gifted at listening to young people talk about their grief struggles. Why? Could it be that we misconstrue grief recovery with moving on and burying our grief? After all, isn't that wh.at good American's should do?In one local community I read first hand how powerful grief can be on our young people. In the Hastings newspaper I read, 'The trauma for Hastings High School and the community began in early September with the death of 16-year-old Maddy Sake in a car crash.

A month later, a 17-year-old boy she had dated hanged himself. The anxiety level increased when, on the day of the boy's funeral, a second student hanged himself. A day after that death, a well-known 19-year-old former Hastings student was found dead in his dorm room at the University of Wisconsin in Madison.
Less than a week later, police said, a 46-year-old woman hanged herself in her home.The cluster of deaths so close together had police, educators and mental health experts worried that the situation was on the verge of becoming a suicide "contagion.'  Now you tell me if that isn't a powerful reminder regarding whether grief is real and needs to be handled better by our institutions?   

The harsh reminder to all of us is that just because we may have a strong Christian faith and a Calvinistic view of life (God chose to take the person) does not exclude us from grieving. There is no correlation between growing strong in the Lord and being able to bury our grief. Storms do come and when they come it  should be our responsibility as parents to make sure our young people are reminded that just because you cry or admit you have been struggling from your loss does not make you weak minded. On the contrary, being able to use all of your emotions and confessing to others your struggles makes you a well rounded person.

Finally, it really isn't until we get half way through the storm of grief when we find out that Jesus is the master of our grief.because He understands what exactly we are going through with it. He understands what it is like to be rejected, spat at, have nails driven into his hands and feet and to cry out in pain like there is no tomorrow. If you are grieving do not try to bury and forget your grief. Instead, lean in to your grief and be willing to tell someone how you are hurting. 

While writing this blog I discovered an organization that has the mission of helping college students grieve. The website is/ www.studentsofamf.org   I encourage you to go this website and read some of the testimonials and then make sure the college your son or daughter is attending becomes aware of this organization.  Becoming a man or woman of God doesn't mean that we have to bury and forever forget our grief because if we do our grief will merely wait for us and will compound as we grief other losses. Tell someone when you are hurting.You will be glad you did.  I know I did when our family loss our 10 year old daughter Maria through unforeseen circumstances in June 2007.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

What does thanksgiving mean to me.......


                                                                       Psalm 107:1
                       "Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever." (NIV)


In just a few short hours there will be busyness in homes across America as families get ready to welcome home son's and daughter's, their families and friends to celebrate the day of thanksgiving. As I pondered this question above I couldn't think of anything to write until now.

Thanksgiving is a day where all of us can be thankful for the sacrifices our ancestors took just to come to the shores of this new land.  I pictured families meeting in their old countries around a stone fireplace talking about everyone's initial impressions of leaving home permanently and coming to this place. I wondered if there were mother's who cried at the thought of leaving their friends, their customs and their homes they spent months making it into a home just to go to this new country they knew nothing about to try their hand at something they wondered would succeed.

I pictured the children packing their things into the luggage crates and as they packed they cried knowing they would probably never see their friend again.  I pictured little girls hugging their friend while saying goodbye and giving their friend something to remember them by when they leave. 

I pictured the excitement when they boarded the steamer ship and the sorrow as their homeland slowly disappeared as the ship moved away from it's shore. We didn't have the instant communications like we do now and just to hear anything from their homeland often took months and even years to get a response. There was a lot of love that went into writing a letter on parchment which is an art form slowly becoming a lost format today because of instant communication.

No sooner had they unpacked and moved into settlements known as little Sweden, little Italy, little Germany did our ancestors begin wondering if they made the right decision. The industrial age assured the need for worker's from these countries and to many of our ancestors the decision to move had solidified once paychecks came in and they could buy a home of their own.

Our ancestors discovered that this new land was in deed a land of milk and honey. It was a land where if you had a dream and you had the will anyone could become a success. They discovered that this new land quickly had some of the greatest higher learning institutions in all the world. Sure, other countries could boast having higher math and science scores on their aptitude tests, but only in america can a young person find a way of becoming educated even if he could not get into the college ranks because of his failure to master the achievement tests. In most other countries young people were separated from their friends when they could not master those tests.

I am thankful for having a system in place to help educate young people with special needs and through this system they are reminded that they too can be a success even with a disability. I am thankful that America is a land of second chances,  With just a little extra help many of them were able to get into good trades and college careers.  Only in this new land do we value everyone regardless of race, sex, creed, or disability. Each life is important and each life has value.

I am thankful for our form of participatory government where everyone has a voice to express themselves to those who represent them. We may get angry, have bar fights with those who do not agree with our vote, but when the election is done we come together as one nation and we support those in power as a show of force to the rest of the world that America is the greatest nation  built on the hard labor and the sweat of many ancestors who left home so future generations could have a better life.

So as  you sit down this Thanksgiving holiday and as the turkey get's carved say a word of thanks for the ones sitting around that table and for the blessings they have meant to you this past year.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Lost innocence in the aftermath of losing a sibling






In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2 He was in the beginning with God. 3 All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made. 4 In him was life,[a] and the life was the light of men.5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

My son said to me one time that when his sister died it felt as though he had lost several years of childhood innocence. For all of us it seems that life went from having fun and finding ways to enjoy our family to daily getting dressed in our battle fatigues and running through a maze of barb wire, booby traps and enemy fire. It was as though just to survive we had to evaluate every situation that came up ahead of us before responding with the corresponding appropriate reaction.

Life goes from trying to have a Disney experience for your children to getting your surviving children across the finish line.   A friend of ours drew an illustration shortly after Maria died showing me as the father carrying my 12 year old son on my back with my wife in tow behind me moving forward in a crouch position one step at a time. Behind my wife in this illustration was Jesus Christ who looked like he could see the entire horizon in front of us.Through this illustration he pointed out that Jesus was leading the way for my family to survive the tragedy.

Our surviving children need to see us grieve and they need us to be able to talk openly about our loss just so they can have a model of perspective to fall back on when  they begin their grief.  Remember, children have a delayed grief and really do not begin grieving until their parents have finished the hardest part of their own grief.

Our surviving children need to see parental commitment with each other and with them. They need to see parents showing affection toward each other much like they saw before their sibling died. Parental commitment becomes their sense of security in a world where security is so hard to find.  

Surviving children get enjoyment out of maintaining the rituals of life even in the aftermath of sibling loss.  Which is why it is so important to continue going to the same restaurant your family enjoyed before the loss, continue to take vacations just as you had before the loss, attend the same church and being around the same circle of friends who knew your family before the loss.  They need grown ups to be there for them at the special times in their lives.

As parents we can't expect to heal our child's pain and magically wish that pain away like a Disney magician. Just as God walked the gauntlet with you as parents He will also walk with each of your surviving children in ways you cannot even imagine.  Your job, as parents, is to be there for them and give them hugs and listen to them as they go through their moments of grief. In time your children will come out stronger and better equipped to handle life's future problems for they will know that just as Jesus walked with them in their grief Jesus will be there for them as future struggles come their way.


Saturday, November 17, 2012

Lessons about importance of working on grief from the movie Ordinary People

 

When I originally saw this movie I remember thinking I could not relate what happened to this family. Only when our little girl died did I begin to see it it's relevance.  Grief is such a powerful emotion that unless we honestly decide to process our grief little will we realize that our entire perspective in the way we handle life and the people in our lives will change. I have included the movie trailer of this film to give you some perspective of the way each member of this family is handling their grief.

I have a unique perspective as a professional counselor to see the similarities in the stories people share with me on how grief had effected each and everyone of them through the halls of time. As you will notice from this scene from Ordinary people each of the members of this family are handling their grief in very different ways. The father is very open to seeing therapists to help him process the unthinkable tragedy of losing his oldest son.  He encourages his surviving younger son to do the same. The mom in this story chooses to move on in her grief by simply suggesting that they take more vacations because all they really need is to have fun.

Conrad is  becoming more isolated from his family and while his dad is choosing to process his grief  he is choosing to hide his grief from those around him.

Here lies the crux of the problem.  A person who doesn't process their grief from a tragedy goes into a high alert, man your battle stations mode. Their adrenaline is constantly pumping as they go about their daily activities.  Like a soldier at a guard post they are on high alert trying to stay ahead of all situations. While they may think it is a healthy way of responding to people, events it really serves as a defense mechanism that in the end keeps people at a distance. 

Unresolved grief causes a person to want to build a wall around themselves thinking the wall will protect them from further hurts and pain. Just as Conrad chose to retreat to his bedroom at a early hour those who who choose to avoid grieving a loss will isolate themselves and avoid pleasurable activities such as being with friends or doing the things they love to do. They will begin to come up with convenient excuses such as "I don't feel like going to that movie" or " I am just not in the mood to have a good time". If friends are pushed away too often those friends will stop inviting the person to activities and events.

As human beings we were meant to be in thriving and healthy relationships with other people,  I reminded my son that school is not only a place to excel and to learn how to learn, but it is also a place to practice your friendship and relationship skills.  I reminded him how important it is to open up with people about his loss and not let the pain and the traumatic images to fester inside himself to the point where it robs him of the joys of living.

I was reminded about something I read years ago about how parents will actually finish their grief work at about the time that their surviving children begin their grief work.  I don't think this was by accident because when God designed the family he designed it in such a way that he wanted the parents to be strong enough so they could help their children. I remember on a recent airplane trip reading the colorful brochure that describes first placing the oxygen mask over your nose and THEN placing the mask on your child.  This makes total sense knowing how impossible if would be to save your child if you passed out from lack of oxygen.

My son asked me how I ever got through my grief after losing Maria.  I told him that for many months it was extremely painful and at times I would question whether I would reach recovery.  I also told  him that I knew I needed to see a Psychologist  to help me get through the trauma of my loss. I  reminded him how I was able to find  good listeners who were not afraid to hear me tell 'the story' even it was over and over and over again. I encouraged him to do things with his friends even when he didn't feel like doing so. Sometimes working through the grief process is simply learning to put one foot in front of the other and moving forward until it begins to feel natural again. 

Please take a few moments to watch this clip from Ordinary people because I think it will give you a snapshot of the impact that traumatic grief can have on families.

I do  want to point out that one's faith in God can dramatically reduce the impact of grief, but having a strong faith doesn't necessarily mean  the painful grief will be short lived.