At the time of the Olympic games in Beijing our grief was still quite raw. When these Olympic games started it had been a little more than a year since Maria's tragic death from mixed narcotic toxicity following her surgery that from all practical purposes she should have survived. The year following her death was filled with a deep depression filled with bouts of anger toward the medical system who I felt let us down.
As a man I wanted this second year to be one where I would once again feel normal. However, we learned from others who have lost kids that it is the second year of the loss that is often the most painful. I share this with you not to make you sad, but to allow you to get a glimpse at what it is like to lose a child. Since our loss I have learned that Maria's death had a profound impact on the community around us. I guess kids will do that to us. They are innocent little beings worthy of being protected and cherished and when one of their lives is lost prematurely it has a profound impact on us.
Whereas the China Olympics were incredible from the start of the opening ceremonies those of us in grief that year were not able to fully take it in as we would like to take it in. But we did watch the Olympics that year and we did celebrate the victories and the gold medal achievements of our American Athletes.
A friend of mine told me that we will never get over the loss of our daughter, but it will get better. I clung to those words as I travel the grief journey one day at a time and as I traveled I was introduced to people who were just starting off on their own grief journeys. My pain was being used to encourage others new to their pain.
Too often we are quick to throw in the towel and move as far away from the scene of the trauma as we can get. Often the advice from professionals is to encourage the family inflicted with sudden loss to move away from the scene if they feel they cannot handle the on going flashbacks. Many will not want to deal with the grief by stuffing their grief deep into a bottle and placing a cork in it.
In 1999 two Columbine gunman stormed into their high school and took the lives of several students. Until that day their world was perceived as a safe place to be with little to worry about. The students featured in this news report returned to their school to teach in the classrooms and walk the hallways where many of their fellow classmates were killed. If any students had the excuse not to accept teaching jobs in a school where they saw their classmates shot and killed it would be them.
To me this represents the idea of successfully working through the grief process and not leaving any grief stone not turned. As I read my bible I am reminded by the verse in Revelations 21:5 where God is reminding us that He is making all things new again. The more I work through my grief the more I am learning what a master healer God is in our lives and how he can take any painful memory, any painful event and heal it completely so we can continue on living. God has the power to overcome any evil for good. He can take any evil that happens to us and use it for a good purpose.
These students turned teachers illustrate the profound impact the events of their past had on them. As one student remarked, " I am much more hyper sensitive and not afraid to ask questions about their lives". the events of their past have given them the edge over others who have never experience such tragedy.
The statement below was read by the family of Ashley Moser, shooting victim in the Colorado theater shooting. Ashley Moser is recovering from an additional surgery she had this morning. Tragically, the extreme trauma she sustained also caused a miscarriage.We want to send a special thank you to the courageous heroes of law enforcement, other first responders, paramedics, and doctors and nurses who have all gone beyond the call-of-duty in caring for our daughter, granddaughter and all of the other victims of this tragic event.Our sincere appreciation goes out to all of those who have been sending well-wishes, prayers and good thoughts to Ashley. Her lifetime of care will be a long road. For those who wish to donate, please go to any Wells Fargo Bank and request the "Donation Account for Ashley and Veronica Moser". This is the only official donation account for the family.
When I read this I completely understood what extreme trauma meant. Ashley Moser went to the theater to take a break from the everyday monotony to see a movie. This ritual is repeated all 365 days a year without much fanfare. Only this time Ashley and her young daughter happened to be in the same theater as the Aurora shooter. This was suppose to be a fun evening with her family that ended in the death of her daughter, injuries to herself and now the loss of her unborn child. When something unexpected causes chaos and tragedy it leaves the people that it has harmed unequipped to handle the pain inflicted on them.
It was on June 10th that our family awoke to the lifeless body of our little girl who from all practically purposes was suppose to fully recover from a surgery that has been done thousands of times a year on kids with her form of mild Cerebral Palsy. Neither our family nor the families in the theater expected that the life of a loved one would end that night. Just as we fully walked our daughter through the medical system where she would be helped these families entered the Aurora movie theater expecting nothing but good memories to emerge in the end. Instead of happy memories these families were thrust into a world of emotional upheaval known as trauma.
So few people even know what exactly is trauma. I had a counselor refute my self assessment of dealing with trauma by telling me that according to the textbook definition you have to be a Veteran to have trauma. In other words since I was never a veteran there was no possible way I could struggle with trauma. According to the dictionary trauma is emotional shock: an extremely distressing experience that causes severe emotional shock and may have long-lasting psychological effects. No where do I see the requirement being a Veteran.
Trauma combined with grief requires the compassion and competence of a good therapist. It requires an understanding and compassionate employer who will give their employee ample time to require from the grief and trauma and not terminate them as they went through the recovery from their trauma.
Recovery from grief and trauma isn't as simple as saying to the inflicted to just get over it. Nor is it as simple as telling them to focus on the goodness of life. To truly recover from trauma means the inflicted person needs people who are willing to walk with them through all of the hellish pitfalls and all of the minefields that lie in their path. Those who are inflicted with emotional trauma need permission to re-tell their stories of the event. Even if you have heard those stories many times before it is healing to them to tell those stories again.
It has been 5 years since our daughter Maria died. I would be lying to you if I said that I am fully recovered because there continues to be days where a memory, a moment in time will come fluttering back bringing with it a stream of tears. The brother of one of the Columbine victims said it took him 10 years before he could put behind him the events that took his sister. The school principal at the same school said there continues to be days where the pain from that past will come momentarily back. The good news is that it is possible to recover from trauma. You may never be the way you were before the traumatic event, but things will get better and in time the pain you were in will be used to help others inflicted with similar pain.
For our family it was the many friends from our church that have helped us navigate through this battle field filled with uncertain grief and trauma There was one other person who helped our family to recover from the trauma that was inflicted on us in June 2007 and that person was Jesus Christ. Over the course of many months I filled my journal with stories of God moments and words from scripture that I know were placed on my heart that were meant to be a healing Salve for my soul.
Karl Marx once said " Religion is the opiate of the masses" and with that comment he introduced to the world Communism and a world without religion. Marx thought by eliminating the physical buildings that religion was practiced in he could destroy religion. What he did not anticipate was the power of the holy spirit that created the 'underground church'. Through the years stories upon stories have been spread about Christians risking their lives to bring bibles to believers entrapped within this agnostic environment. You may call these believer's crazy to want to put their lives in danger to bring what some people think is a simple powerless book, but the reality is within the pages of this bible holds a powerful, life changing force. In Hebrews 4:12 the bible is described as living and effectual and more piercing than any two edge sword.
Christianity is more than just a religious rite. Christianity is based on Jesus Christ successful resurrection from the cross and returning where he actually ate a meal of fish and loaves with the very disciples he loved and his final command before he returned to heaven, "Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the father, the son and the Holy spirit as described in Matthew 28:19. Religion is a sacrament we might practice by going to church, but Christianity is a lifestyle decision to follow Christ all the days of our life and help others to discover this life changing force.
All of the religions of the world point to God; but but only one provides the safe passageway to heaven. Most of world religions use good works and rituals to bring people into a deeper connection: but only Christianity promises life in heaven because of the resurrection of Christ. We may not see the actual Christ, but the bible assures us in John 14:16 that Jesus would ask the Father and He would give us another helper (counselor) to be with us forever. Through the holy spirit which is given to us by God we are changed forever just as it is written in Philippians 4:7 describes "and the peace of God which transcends all understanding shall guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus"
Religion can be forgotten as soon as we exit the doors of the church, or as soon as we stop doing the religious routine, but when we have Christ in our lives he now becomes a life changing force in us that helps shape all of our decisions we make in life. Which is why people have died bringing this hope in Christ to those entrapped in a society that teaches that opiate is the religion of the masses.
My faith began when I was only 18 years old with a simple prayer inviting Jesus Christ to come into my life and with that decision a new desire to see the word of God as not simply a book of wise sayings, but a book that is living and effectual and more piercing than a two edge sword.
Jesus Christ wants you to know that because of his death and resurrection on the cross he has paved the way for all to come to God and with that the assurance that when life ends on earth that you will spend eternity with Christ. The life changing presence of the Holy Spirit is what motivates Christians to continue sharing the promises of God with a world void of hope for the future.
It is what motivated mother Theresa to start a orphanage in the heart of the ghetto in India. It is what motivated Brother Andrew to bring bibles into the iron curtain and to do the same in the Arab countries. They know that their assurance is certain that if anything happened to them while sharing God's love to a hurting world that they would be immediately ushered into the very presence of the king of Kings and lord of Lords.
Christianity is truly a life changing force that keeps on going! Now that is beautiful!
Today, I decided to go to John's auto parts to see if I could find a fender for my car. As I strolled down the row that had the Chrysler cars I couldn't help but noticed the blown out airbags and the single and sometimes double glass breakages. I remarked to another gentleman who was there for the same reason how if these cars could talk there would a tragic tale to be told.
I wondered if the occupants in these cars with the broken windshields had survived, or whether they died upon impact. It occurred to me that when we are driving on the highways we think of ourselves as invincible. Walking through this salvage yard somehow dissolve any such thought. I wonder how many of these people who once drove these cars were in a hurry to get home, or get to work and then wondered if some of them simply never made it to where they intended to go. I wondered if there were children in these cars.
If they hit their windshields upon impact there was no doubt that injuries were the result of the accident. Depending whether they chose to wear their seat belt or not determined whether they were held inside, or thrown from the car. The aftermath had to be chaotic for the survivors of these cars. Aching and blood soaked these individuals try to wake up their friends who are laying their lifeless and caked with blood. They slip into a surreal world of shock as they discovered that some of their friends were already dead.
Within moments the survivors could hear sirens heading their way as they slowly come to the reality that they had been in an accident. Panic begins to set in with some of the occupants in these cars of twisted metal with crying being heard from some of them. Some of them were wishing that this was merely a scene that could be redone. . But, this wasn't a play nor a movie scene. It was reality and they are in this accident.
In a small fraction of a second a driver can go from enjoying life and looking positively toward the future to passing from life to death. In a split second the family of the newly deceased can go from enjoying life and planning family reunions to grappling with their grief and wondering how to make it day after day.
Police officers and the ambulance crew are now at the scene of the horrific crash. Looking in they see the lifeless body of the driver, the semi-unconscious passengers and the panic and hysteria stricken baby and young child in the back seat. Like professionals who have seen this scene again and again these police officers and emergency personnel take control of the situation while the world within the car loses control. They quickly size up the situation and within minutes the occupants are transferred from the twisted metal of what once was a car into the ambulances that responded.
Night after night these professionals in blue take control of situations like these while people involved are going into shock. Recently,we had a chance to see our men in blue when a lone gun man unleashed a reign of terror at a midnight opening of Dark Knight rises in Aurora, Colorado. They demonstrated to the world that they are master's at taking control of any situation whether it is at the scene of a horrific car accident, or terror at a movie theater.
I found the fender I needed for the car I am driving, but with this simple purchase I developed a new sense of appreciation for our men and woman who respond to these horrific scenes. Thank you men in blue for responding to these horrific scenes and thank you for responding to our family the night of June 10, 2007 when our family went into shock and panic with the sudden loss of our little girl.
Today was a day of tragedy for many people who simply wanted to go to the midnight showing of Dark Knight Rises at the Century theater in Aurora, Colorado. Twelve people lost their lives and 58 were seriously wounded by a gunman we learned had been a PHD Neuroscience student at the University of Colorado medical school until he dropped out in June 2012. The question of the day was how could a seemingly bright student with nothing but a single speeding violation go off the deep end and cause havoc that would take so many lives and damage many more with trauma that will take years for them to recover?
Grief was every where in Aurora and the rest of the country as families attempt to wrap their hands around this tragedy. Life for many was about to change forever. One young father was thankful that his new wife and two children survive the shooting in side theater number 9.
In one of the final interviews of the night Ann Currie, NBC news reporter, asked Craig Scott what would it take for these people to recover from this tragedy. Craig was the brother of Rachel Scott who was the first victim in the Columbine shootings when she said yes that she believes in God and the next thing Craig saw was her sister being shot dead with a single bullet to the temple. Craig said it took him 10 years before he was able to over come the anger toward the shooters for what they did to his sister and many other students.
Craig then shared how it wasn't until he actually forgave his shooters that he was actually set free from the anger that had haunted him all these years. He told Ann Currie that it will take a strong faith and a willingness to forgive before they will be able to recover from the tragic events of today.
In this interview which was done 10 years to the day of the columbine shootings he talks about forgiveness. We do not know why tragedy happens and certainly I will never understand why our daughter Maria had to be take at such a young age, but in both cases there is a choice that has to be made. You can either hang on to the anger you feel toward the injustice that has occurred toward you and watch your life self destruct, or you can trust God that he is in total control of all circumstances and place your anger in his hands and forgive the offender. As Craig Scott has learned it wasn't until he forgave the shooters that healing took place in his life.
iIf you are stressed out watching yet another mass killing take place and you have no one to turn too in this crisis. If you have lost hope in the empty philosophies of this world and those platitudes no longer give you the peace that you have long sought and it is your desire to have the peace that Craig talks about in his interview all you have to to do is say a simple prayer. Jesus wants to come into your life at this various momemt and be your anchor for your aching soul. If you say these words below Jesus will come into your life and will take control of your life and he will give you the power to handle the horrors of this mass killing. His Holy Spirit will teach you in his word the comforting joy that will enable your peace to grow.
Dear Jesus, I can no longer handle the tragedies I see unfold in Aurora, Colorado. I have lost hope, but I desire to have the hope that Craig talks about in his interview. I know that I am a sinner and I know that all of the empty philosophies, all of the false gods, and the political system will not save me, nor will it give me peace. I open up the door of my heart like it says in your bible in Revelations 3:20 and I ask you to come into my life and make me the kind of person you want me to be. i know that just as it says in 1 John 5:13 that I have the assurance of Eternal life. Thanks you Jesus for this gift of eternal life.
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever
believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life" John 3:16
There they sat. Two boxes. One on the floor and one on the couch. I had just finished re-attaching the mirror on the car I drive when I saw it. As I looked closely at the contents of the box my wife was so diligently going through I felt this emotional lump in my throat. It's been 5 years since our 10 year old daughter passed from this life suddenly without any warning, but shouldn't I in the words of the advice of friends "just get over it?"
Occasionally, I looked at the box she was going through and noticed that she was discarding papers that seemingly had no relevance to keep. Things like forms announcing a 4th grade field trip, her final grand parents day from the 4th grade, etc, etc. I felt another emotional lump going down my throat. I remembered grand parents day. Only Maria's grandfather was available to come because not to long before her 'Nana' had slipped away from us from the complications of her stroke. Another emotional lump.
I remembered asking why are we throwing out Maria's grade school papers? Immediately, I felt the absurdity of such a question knowing that our daughter was no longer with us. Still, I wanted to hang onto her things thinking if we threw them out our memories would be lost permanently. My wife calmly said she was throwing out the papers that we really didn't need to keep. Then I heard her say, " and we still have two more boxes of her papers still in her closet". Another emotional lump just went down.
Fortunately, I was able to withhold my comments knowing that my wife was right about going through those papers and attempting to make sense of the clutter of her 'earthly' things. Maria was having the time of her life in heaven in a place where there is no more sorrow, but for those of us who have lost a recent loved one we are still trying to make sense out of our loss and the things our loved one accumulated during his or her earthly existence.
As I felt one emotional lump after another it came to me. In the form of a bumper sticker the words, ' grief is the price we pay for love' came to my mind. Then the words from John 3:16 came to me. "For God so loved the world that He gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.'
Grief will likely be our companions through all of our days on earth as we say goodbye to people we loved. Grief is the price we pay for the companionship we had with them. Their departure to " a better place" still leaves us with the aftermath of sorrow and emotional lumps. We do not just get over it as the world tells us, but we recover just one emotional lump at a time and in our case one seemingly needless paper at a time.
Contrary to the things we tell ourselves as a justification to avoid going through the things of our loved one we will never lose those memories we had of that person while they were with us. The emotional lumps we feel when we see something once belonging to them won't allow us to forget. I remember another saying which went like this: " It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved.". Those emotional lumps we feel are what makes us human. The relationships we form while on earth are what makes life worth living and when you grieve for that loved one those emotional lumps you feel at the mere recitation of their name becomes a badge of honor knowing that you took the time to form that relationship.
Just as the words from John 3;16 came back to me I was reminded that 'even God understood this this concept.
No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. 1 Corinthians 10:13
Hey guys, I want to have a word with you.
I must admit this has been bothering me for quite a while. Ever since i was a young man i have been bothered by the way men have treated woman. It seems that that many guy's will judge a woman based on her outward physical attributes and if that lady doesn't match up to their expectations they will not bother to get to know them. You say that you are a Christian by the outward actions of attending church, but behind closed doors your life tells another story. Accountability seems so far away from your lips that it becomes a pride thing.
Guys, have you ever thought about treating that lady like a sister? Don't even think of running all of the bases and making a score with her. Please consider preserving her honor so when she does marry the man God brings into her life that there won't be any pain left over from old relationships. Conversely, you would want your future wife to be treated with honor and respect so when your paths cross she would not have any painful baggage to unload.
Woman are struggling with eating disorders because deep down they want to meet societal's definition of beauty. Are you part of this problem when you look forward to the latest Sport Illustrated swimsuit edition, or when you look at questionable sites on the internet thinking what harm would there be to just glance? Or are you one of those guys who oggle over the underwear ads in the Sunday store ads?
Guy's will often hold a woman to a higher standard of without setting the same standard for themselves.I am getting tired of watching men throw away their marriages in search of the elusive standard of beauty. Every time I hear about a broken relationship I see the impact it has on the church. The couple we use to be friends with no longer are our friends because we no longer see them in our Sunday school classes. It is as though a scab develops over the area where there once was a thriving relationship.It isn't just one broken relationship, but it has become many broken relationships. So absurd is this epidemic of broken relationships that right now statistics tell us that there is no difference between the divorce rate between Christian's and non-Christians. Shouldn't Christian men be the leaders in our homes? Shouldn't Christian men deliver on their marriage vows, " For better or for worst til death do we part".
The lack of accountability is the problem.
A friend of mine and I courted our girlfriends around the same time back in s1987. They were married a month before us. He had no qualms about having lunches alone with someone of the opposite sex, or riding in the same car with them. I set boundaries early in our courtship. On one very stormy night in 1987 there were news reports of power lines being down and highways flooded, but my instinct told me that I could not stay at my girl friends apartment to wait out the storm. I chose to take the safe roads all the way home rather than take the chance on crossing the moral divide. I must admit I had a blast driving through the flooded streets and it really didn't occur to me the extent of the flooding, but believe that God had honored my decision by keeping me safe on my drive home. It turned out that this friend of mine failed the marriage test when his wife left him.
The only way to avoid the temptations that come your way is to get into a mentoring relationship with other strong Christian men. I urge you to consider becoming accountable to other guys to avoid the pitfall of pornography and potentially crossing the moral divide.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6
At times it is hard to take true what is written. Trusting becomes hard when pain in our lives is present. We think others around us are doing so much better and we develop a woe is within attitude. We watch as the world around us is experiencing the'joys' of life and assume that because something happen to us that God is not with us. We think that pain and suffering in our lives is akin to not praying enough, not giving enough, not attending church enough, and not doing church.
As you watch the world around you it is as though all the world around you is enjoying fruits of the amusement park while you walk aimlessly through the shadow of death. While you watch your friends climb into the rotating teacups you sit off in the distance wondering why they are laughing and smiling while it takes every effort just to make a slight curl in the corners of your mouth.
Trusting is hard. Like Job sitting forlornly by with friends who did not really understand his predicament you sit in your own ash heap waiting for God to shine His favor on you once again.
Trusting, I have learned in my grief journey, is something I cannot do on my own. Without God I am destroyed. Without God I am without hope. It is only when I open up my bible and read the words from Proverbs 3:5-6 that I am reminded that I am trusting not in my own power, but I am trusting in the Lord and not on my own understanding and in all my ways I acknowledge him and then He will make my path straight.
Trusting becomes easy as I read the bible and discover how God has helped countless people. I learn that God really does love me even as I sit forlornly in my ash heap.
Sometimes the best thing we can do when we suffer is to climb into the rotating teacups with our friends and experience the joy they are presently experiencing. It is through our friends that God uses to support us in the throes of our suffering. It is in his word God uses to reassure us that He loves us and will walk with us in our suffering! In time you will once again find it easier to laugh and smile just like the friends you are riding with in the rotating teacups.
Recently, I heard a news report about 3 young daughters who were murdered by their father and saw the impact their deaths had on the faces of the people who knew this family. The death of a child is often felt community wide and as you will see in this webinar can have profound effects on one's health.
One of the very first things the chaplain said to our family after the loss of our daughter was the importance of drinking lots of fluid. He said this because when a person grieves they forget the simple thing of knowing that they are thirsty. Not staying hydrated will lead to other health problems. The speaker in this 60 minute webinar is a career nurse who understands the grief process not only from a professional standpoint, but also because she actually went through it when she and her husband loss their 21 year old daughter in a tragic car accident.
I think what she has to say about grief will help the newly bereaved to better maintain their health while they go through the grief process. I encourage you to listen to this nurse as she describes the grief process from a health perspective and things you can do to monitor the hormonal changes that are occurring in your body when grief is encountered.
As a Christian I had a hard time when she put the plug in for practicing Yoga, but she used this as an illustration to talk about the importance of practicing the deep breathing exercises which are needed to expel the toxins that are accumulating in the body during the grief process.
I do believe the things that she has to say about grief are important concepts to know and following through with some of her suggestions will protect you from more serious health issues..
This week in Minnesota the wife of a former well known Minnesota Viking was sentenced to 4 years in prison for fleeing from the scene of a horrific accident that left one family without a son and one employer without f a chef. She left a husband and children without a wife and mother. There were no winner's in this case.
When she was sentenced she wanted to apologized to the family of the deceased young man and promised she would do her best to honor his memory. She told them that she did this by having his image tattooed on her wrist.Through tears, she told his mother, father, and brother that she was sorry.
“The remorse was real. We do forgive her and this will end up being a good day for the justice system,” said Kono. Phanthavong’s niece, Souksa Vanh, was glad to finally hear from Senser.
“It felt like a relief to hear her come out and speak for herself,” said Vanh.
This family had waited long for this woman's apology to come forward and whereas many of the family members wanted to lashed back at this woman the elder spokes person in this family cautioned them against speaking out. Instead they waited for the proper time when healing would take place and when she finally spoke up at her sentencing it was as though they were freed from the pain of the past. How often do we allow ourselves to be chained to our past because of our reluctance of letting go of anger? How often do we allow the pain from our past hold us captive from living in the present?
In the area of trial law families are often prevented from apologizing and in many cases attorneys cautioned many to never begin the road toward forgiveness. No wonder the pain of grief lingers and never ends. How can it possibly end when the legal system props up these huge walls between the opposing parties.
The attorney I had hired very early on in my grief even advised me to never reach out to the doctor I had the grievance against even when he told me we really didn't have a case. His rationale? Just in case there may be a break through of new evidence that would make this possible to file the lawsuit..
We have a choice in this life. On the one hand we can harbor resentment, anger against the party of perceived wrong for the rest of our lives, or we can seek forgiveness and reconciliation and with that a special peace that God gives us once we have laid down our wrongs. Because of my faith in Jesus Christ I was able to lay down my anger and my resentment at the foot of the cross and seek to forgive the medical community. Through my faith in Christ I understood that Maria was in a better place and that I would see her again when my life ended.
Forgiveness does not necessarily mean that the pain will go away. It will lessen in time, but it really never disappears completely. Forgiveness is the start of the healing process. God will walk with you through the painful journey of your loss just as He has walked with us in the days, months and years following our daughter's sudden death.
Yesterday, our family spent time venturing around Fisherman's Wharf. We ate lunch at a seaside restaurant on Pier 39, looked at the merchandise in some shops like the Left handed store ( our son is a lefty), the gadget store which was of interest to the guy's while my wife and her mom walked into some feminine stores.
Then it started. It began with some funny one liners from our son which gave my wife the giggles. I missed some of the humor since I had to focus on driving in this strange city, but non the less I enjoyed hearing the sound of laughter coming from our car. Laughter seems such a foreign concept in such a serious world we live in. How is it possible to break out in laughter when the stock market is declining, threats of war are being seen on our cable news stations, and news about horrific crimes being committed? How is it possible to even smile in all this seriousness?
Laughter did indeed emulated from our rental car. even when grief was still present and we were missing our loved one. I think this is why vacations are such an important part of our lives. Realistically, we can all make excuses not to travel. Too much money, not enough savings, and need to save for the 'what if's' of life become the silent messages we listen too which discourages us from venturing someplace new.
Travel we must! Sometimes we need a new environment for our family to become energized and connected with each other. Whether it is the family who chose to travel by RV shortly after the loss of their daughter, or our family traveling to San Francisco trips are needed to send the message to the surviving family that 'we're going to make it through this tragedy and we value you enough to take time out of our busy work schedules to spend time with you.
To see the smile and the laughter coming from my wife and son was well worth depleting the savings account. Vacations are important and should be part of your families regular routine just as having a home decorating budget. The laughter you hear from you loved ones is perhaps the strongest indicator of the importance of vacations. Enjoy this very funny Tim Hawkins video which I am sure will tickle your funny bone!
Our family is now enjoying a week long stay in beautiful California with friends and family. Even as we grieve the loss of loved ones we must be mindful that life is meant to be enjoyed and treasured and vacations are all about making deposits into the memory banks of those we love.
Often when we grieve we tend to forget this concept as we make withdrawal after withdrawal from the memory bank of the past. Sure, we are suppose to miss our loved ones because they have been a integral part of our life for many years, but life is for the living. Our loved ones journey has ended, but until we are called home our journey continues.
One of the ways we can best honor our loved one who has died is to continue living in the present and build memories for our families who no doubt are traveling their own grief journey. I remember one family I was put in touch with shortly after our daughter died had rented a RV where they traveled across the country after the sudden loss of their same age daughter. The RV gave them family time while they process the grief. I am sure they had many God moments as they saw the beautiful landscape along the way.
Sometimes a grieving family needs to step out of the ordinary and mundane of life into a world of adventure to give them more deposits into their memory banks. For me, I learned that the father of our friend had worked for Disney studios for 33 years where he was in charged of set design for mandy of the Disney classics from Sound of Music, My Fair Lady and many more movies that our family was familiar with. In 'My Fair Lady he was in charge of the library scene and in the Sound of Music he created the 'thunder' in one of the scenes. Knowing this detail makes me want to go back and watch these classics.
I never would have known these details had we not have gone on our little adventure. This is the stuff that makes life worth living and the stuff that adds to the positive memories of our memory bank.
Won't you consider planning your next adventure to add to your family's memory bank?
I remember learning that it takes more facial muscles to create a frown than to make a smile and thinking how much harder it is to be grumpy! No wonder grieving for a person who has passed away seems so hard and takes your energy away. Grieving the loss of a loved one is like getting into a roller coaster car at your favorite amusement park, slipping the safety bar snug in front of you, and feeling all of the high's and low's of that roller coaster. Just like grief riding that roller coaster can leave you completely exhausted at the end unless you are a teenage boy wanting to go on it again and again.
When a person grieves it seems that the facial muscles have a greater difficulty making a smile. Smiles become fewer and far between. As sadness envelops the home people around you have difficulty knowing how and what to say to make you feel better. When one is grieving there are others who are still fully engaged in life, laughing and smiling all the way to their next activity. A grieving person will feel like they are from some foreign land where no one smiles and when they visit a place where every one is smiling and having fun it can seem very strange to them.
When someone from another country visits a land with different customs, a different language they will often have an interpreter to let them know what these people are saying. Once a person understands what they are saying communication goes better.
Somehow a grieving person needs to communicate what they are feeling so others will know how to communicate with them. One way is for the grieving person to write a 'grief letter' to their friends where they talk about the loss they have encountered and how that loss is effecting them. By writing this letter their friends will have a better understanding how they can help you in this recovery process.
Unfortunately, people are not mind reader's and it takes the grieving person to communicate the grieving process and what they can do to help them walk the lonely journey of grief. The wider your circle of friends you bring into your grief who truly understand what you are going through the sooner you will feel the corners of your mouth begin to turn upward and the smile returns to your face.
