Do not underestimate the power of father's in our children's lives

3 But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. 2 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4 treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people. 2 Timothy 3



Recently, our family had a nest of  duck eggs waiting to be hatched. Yesterday, I learned that most of the ducklings hatched with the ma ma duck walking her babies away to a new life. Some of those ducks never made it and laid in their now dead in their shell.

At the very heart of the problems in society is the absence of fathers. Men have become lover's of themselves and instead of focusing on their families they lust after money, fame, sex, and they become obsessed with their bodies to the point where they set the standard for their spouses and if their spouse refuses to meet that standard they are out of there.

Over the years my heart as ached over the news of friends leaving their wives, leaving their children without a father, and throwing their families into financial turmoil. Once having the relative comfort and security of a stable home families have been forced to leave their homes for the unstable lifestyle of apartment living and wondering where their next meal will come from. Children go from seeing their dad on a daily basis and being tucked into bed every night with a bedtime story to seeing their dad's weekly, if they are lucky, but in an environment away from their how most children see their dad's.

The absence of father's is equivalent in many family units as hopelessness. As much as the church tries to meet the needs of a newly divorce family nothing can possibly replace the love and affection of a dad playing with his kids, hugging those kids, wiping their tears, and encouraging them with words of hope.

Children in the environment of not having a dad will turn to things that will not be healthy for them. Drugs, alcohol, hanging out with the wrong crowd, and staying out all night will become these children's constant companions because when dad leaves the home it leaves mom with little choice than to attempt to pick up the pieces by working more and spending less time with them.

The solution, although in many eyes, seems overly simplified, is for men to keep their marriage vows they made to their wife and to love them until death do you part. Keeping your vow you made to your wife is the single most important thing you can do to keep your family together and give hope to your children. It sends a message to your kids that God is very real and he wants to be part of your life just as He has been part of my life. Remaining faithful to your wife helps your children be secure with who they are and enables them to become who they can be in Christ. Staying committed to your family is a patriotic thing to do just as going to war to defend your country. Men, we are called to defend our families and keep them from harm's way.

If you are entertaining thoughts of leaving your family I would encourage you to be accountable to other men in your life who's marriages are still intact and talk with someone about what you are feeling. The survival of your children just very well may depend on that decision.

Man's inhumanity toward man

•                                                           
  
  
  Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding  
  Ephesians 1: 3-6
  
  
  Man's inhumanity toward man. We read about in the newspapers. We see it on our 24-7 news channels. We hear about as we get the capsule news on our local radio channel. All of this daily dose of bloody gore is destine to make a man mad and convinced him that the world is a very dangerous place to be. We hear about  a murder 10 miles away and automatically assume that crime is with us and we must protect our family by purchasing a expensive security system or learning to protect ourselves either by taking  personal defense classes or getting a permit to carry a concealed weapon.
  
  
  We are living life through the eyes and feet of the television/radio/ print media news person and the behaviors we exhibit are anything but trusting.  Some of us are so convinced of the dangers of our local culture that we put our homes up for sale and we move into the far reaching suburbs thinking it will be safer.  We let the media dictate what is dangerous failing to realize that most homicides are not random and most crimes have to do with bad choices people make.
  
  
  Lately, i began re-thinking  my previous conception of man's inhumanity toward man by simply spending more time out doors. Instead of driving the car with my windows close and my radio piped up just to go to my son's soccer game or to the store I have chosen to either walk or ride my bike.  I discovered that the world is not as dangerous of a place as my local and national commentators portray it to be!
  
  
  When we lose a loved one through a sudden medical event our first inclination is to want to hibernate indoors and  not include others in your life. We become like little hobbits living in our small personal world of solitude and when we do allow people into our lives we do so by tuning into the 24 hour news channel. The news we hear makes us even more depressed and more determine to keep people out. We build this fortress around us and we watch for potential intruders  in order to keep them out.
  
  
  The problem with this thought process is that this is not want God intended for our lives. God intended us to live in peace.  By trusting God instead of the news media and inviting his son Jesus Christ to come in and dwell within you God will change you to see people with needs just like you instead of people who are vile and untrustworthy.  CHANGE  is good because it takes away the human desire to think like a fortress dweller and more like someone truly interested in getting to know the people around you.  
  
  
  Our God is there to help change your life for the better.  All it takes is a choice on your part to invite Christ to become part of your life.  if you take the time to do this  then the seed has been planted  and in time God will help get rid of the bad and ugly stuff from your life and give you the beauty that helps you see the humanity God wants you to see

Placing all of your hopes and dreams on the surviving child

                                                                     


Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Matthew 6:26

The loss of a child can mean unconsciously placing all of your hopes and dreams on the remaining surviving child.  You no longer have the hopes and dreams for the one who has died and while you are grieving for those lost dreams you had for that child it is a normal reaction to want to double up your hopes and dreams on the surviving child.   As a dad we want nothing but the best for that child. If we are not careful and we stray from the scriptures it is common to get our view of success from the world's perspective instead of God's perspective.

Which is why I think God reminded me about the verse in Matthew about the little sparrow and how He takes care of them and yet aren't we more important than them? Instead of worrying about every little mistake my surviving child makes I have to allow my son to make his own mistakes and not to take every mistake as a sign that he isn't going to be s successful.

I have to remember that as a kid I myself wasn't the 'perfect' child. I messed up, had up days and down days in school, and yet, God showed me the way I should go. How quickly does it seem we forget that perspective? How quickly do we forget how far God has brought us?

Instead of worrying about my son's future I ought to be on my knees in pray for his future. Instead of worrying what college he will attend, or what career he will complete I ought to pray that our God will guide his choices to the right career he has in store for him. Instead of getting my insight on worldly success I ought to wrap my mind around Scripture and become like Christ. Only then can I possibly see that God loves my child and wants nothing but the best for him.

This song about Matthew 5:26 is a powerful reminder of how much God loves us and provides for all of our needs. Because of that knowledge we can sit back and let God be God and allow him to guide our child to the calling He has for him.

Bitter Sweet memory

                                                                         


t's the same way with the Son of Man. He didn't come so that others could serve him. He came to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many people." Matthew 20:28


Sunday was a bittersweet day. We attended an open house of a daughter of friends of ours across the street from our home. Her mom died in January 2011 after a long battle with breast cancer. She was diagnosed with cancer long before our daughter Maria died. I actually have vivid memories of the four of us praying for Julie at the dinner table with each of the kids saying something. At the time it never crossed my mind that our little girl would die before this neighbor.


The moment Julie learned about Maria;s sudden death following her first night home from the hospital she was right there ministering to our family even when she herself wasn't feeling the greatest. Her husband, Russ, was the youth pastor at their church at the time. Julie did not minister to us out of duty because we were neighbors of her's, but she genuinely loved our family just as Christ loved His church. That was who Julie was as a person. She loved Jesus with all of her heart and wanted to share God's love with as many people she could meet as long as she was alive.


At the open house I began thinking of Julie and our daughter, Maria, in their new heavenly bodies without any earthly affliction spending time with our Lord Jesus.  As I dwelt on this image I began to see the hope for my future because of my commitment I made to Jesus when I was a mere 18 year old.


If Jesus is our example, I was reminded that we ought to be ministering to others even when on a emotional level we are not feeling well. By taking our minds off of our daily afflictions and focusing on the needs around us we feel better about ourselves and if we could we would hear a thousand Hallelujah's heard in heaven. Seeing the needs around us and helping people in the throes of suffering is what Christ modeled for us when he walked the earth 2000 years ago.


No one really knows how much time we have on this earth . You're life could last until you are 90 years old, or it could end at the age of 10 like our daughter, but it would seem to me that it would be foolish to wait until much later to make that all important spiritual decision when Jesus is knocking on your heart's door desiring to come in and pay the penalty of your sin so one day when you take your final breath your next one will be in heaven.


Won't you take a few moments today to say a simple prayer inviting Jesus to come into your life? Like our daughter Maria and our friend Julie you will be glad you did~

Minnesota Nice is anything but Nice

"Minnesotan's are the worst drivers because they do not let you merge into traffic" Minnesotan's are hard to get to know". These were comments made by out of town visitors. We make light of this 'Minnesota Nice' now realizing that it really is a barrier that keeps people at a distance.

Described as being overtly polite with a hint of passive aggression Minnesotan's will do all they can to avoid having arguments or differences in opinions. In some Minnesota families there is a general rule where politics are never discussed. It seems that families are afraid the differences in opinions will lead to arguments and disharmony. Garrison Keillor has made his living making light of the way Minnesotan's think in his weekly radio programs.

It seems that in Minnesota it takes longer to resolve conflict because everyone is busy appearing overtly polite. No one wants to hurt the other guy's feelings so they avoid bringing up sensitive topics. "Well, she is just going through a phase" " She'll get over it." " We just have to leave him alone to sort out his problems." "Isn't it awful how they lost their child? Not sure what to say to them, but I guess all we can do is pray for them" " I am so sorry for your loss, oh look at the time, well, I'll pray for you. Sorry call me any time if you need anything". These are some of the responses Minnesotan's will give to ease out of a difficult situation


Because conflict is so hard to resolve many Minnesota families experience rifts that often drive families apart for year's and even decades. When Minnesotan's experience a loss of a loved one they are least likely to seek help from a professional choosing instead to work out the grief on their 'own'. When a Minnesotan talks about their grief with someone in church they will use language like ' we're doing much better'. Choosing to minimize their pain so the person asking the question doesn't feel bad or feel like they have to do something to help them. Minnesotan's value maintaining harmony over opening up any potential pandora's boxes.


When you look at the Minnesota legislature the average Minnesotan doesn't really understand that process because debating the issues and arguing the points seem so foreign to most people. You ask the typical Minnesotan about what they thought of the recent political legislative session and most will tell you "we have to vote those rascals out."


Minnesota has the fewest number of civil lawsuits when compared to other states which is probably concrete evidence for Minnesotan's desire to maintain harmony.. This might explain why trial lawyer's have to look out side the state for business.




If you look at the news feed of a typical Minnesotan s facebook user you will notice that the Minnesotan facebook user will apologize at some point in the dialog boxes for having the opinion they had just to smooth out the ruffled feathers of the previous submitter's . Minnesota facebook user's want to be liked which is why they often will click on the 'like' button on other's facebook postings..




This video clip was done by a College Senior on the phenomenal of Minnesota nice. It is 21 minutes long, but very engaging to watch.

There is hope in our grief

This is a very informative video that can serve as a guide to everyone who knows someone who has lost a child. I like the title " creating a new normal" because it accurately describes the task that must be done to recover from grief.


Life is different after the death of a child. Life is not the same, but even though this may be the case a person grieving can recover from the pain of that loss. The pain of loss may never go away, but it does get better. Like walking on the hot sands of the desert we must keep going until we reach the end for one day we will happen upon an oasis filled with soothing refreshing water.


Our Lord is the source of our cool refreshing water. Just as water quenches our thirst the ancient scriptures give us the comfort we need to remind us that God will deliver us through the pain and suffering in our lives.

The joy is in the journey

Our family is getting ready for our trip to California. I am learning that the best part of taking a vacation is doing the planning for this vacation. Calling for flight information, connecting with friends we want to see, checking hotel rates, ordering tickets to popular places help create the excitement for taking the trip.

Having dreams at night about the scenic drives and what we might see on this trip make life enjoyable and meaningful. Sometimes it takes planning a trip to get one's mind off of the grief and loss. It is important to create new memories with the surviving loved ones. Planning a trip with them sends a message that you are valued and love and we're taking this vacation together to create positive memories for your memory bank.

Our God is so amazing in that he not only helps our loved one home when death comes, but He also walks with us every step of the way during the grief process and he makes all things new again (Revelations 21:5) for your family. Taking vacations and spending time outdoors and experiencing the beauty of God's creation is one way of creating new memories.

Life is hard. There will be pitfalls along the way. You will stumble and fall and not feel like getting up, but God will help you get back up on your feet and he will help you experience new things in this world He created and he will show you through this created world how much he loves you and how he created this world for you to enjoy.

So enjoy the vacation and planning process knowing that you are filling you and your family's memory banks with positive memories to enjoy for years to come.

Trusting God when hard things happen

                                                                         
In Proverbs 3:5-6 it says "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding, but in all of your ways acknowledge him and He will make  your paths straight.


This seems like a common sense passage to follow, but when a person goes through extremely painful circumstances they quickly learn how difficult it is to apply the word of God. It seems that many of us would rather take matter sin our own hands and find out the root cause for our suffering.


I learned how difficult it was to trust when our daughter died suddenly the night of June 10th, 2007.  Until this had occurred I was under the belief that as long as we attended church, got involved in Spiritual activities, and did godly things with other believers that no harm would come to us.  Only after did I realize that even as Christians we are not immune to suffering.


In this video you are going to hear about a couple who lost their business  and their daughter in the same time frame and what it took to get through the pain.

Do you live in a house of glass?

Ever been to the carnival and walked into the house of glass? You know the one where you are trying to find your way out the other side, but every time you turn you bump into a barrier of glass. I thought of this illustration as I was reading an e mail from a friend who described to me how his brother had shun their entire family since 2004 over something relatively minor. As I thought about this a thought occurred to me over how many of us are harboring resentments which do not seem to go away? How many of us avoid certain situations or people because we're not sure how to handle those situations? Forgiveness may seem so hard, but in actuality it is easy.

Often times we wait until the other person makes the first move and doing so we sit in agony waiting. The reality is forgiveness can begin with you making a simple phone call, sending a simple text message, or inviting the other person out for coffee, tea, or even just a cup of cold water.

It was in 2010 when I sat down with out daughter's doctor and had a 1 1/2 meeting with him where we shared with each other our grief over Maria's sudden death. I chose to lay down my anger and extend the palm branch of peace to her doctor and with that our relationship has been restored. I could have refused to meet with this doctor, but doing so I would cause irreparable harm to myself, my son, and my family. Causing harm was not an option.

What about you? Is there someone you need to forgive? Won't you consider doing so today? Remember, our Lord demonstrated forgiveness when His son died on the cross for your sin's and because of that forgiveness you have the opportunity to be part of God's family simply by praying to receive Jesus Christ in your life.

Forgive someone and you will be glad you did so.




W

Nurturing commitment

What if instead of men pursuing dreams of building bigger kingdoms and bigger castles they decided to pursue the dream of investing in children? What if instead of looking at their financial portfolio's every week they instead began looking into the lives of their children? What if men thought more like farmer's where after planting the seeds of children they watched over their fields like farmer's? What if as farmer's they nurtured those fields until those seeds of children are ready to bloom? What if men showered those seeds of children with a daily dose of love and affection much like farmer's water their fields? What if men were to be truly committed to their wives refusing to allow their eyes to wander in search of temptation? What if men nurtured those wives with love and affection like the farmer watches over his field?

All along the pathway of life there are carcasses of men who had failed in their job of being the protectors of their families. Their pursuit of the wrong things in life has lead to the slaughter of innocent children who by no fault of their own became fatherless. Like a seed in a poorly irrigated field they die from lack of love and affection.

Men are pursuing the wrong dreams because they do not know the creator of those dreams. Instead of turning to the very source of those dreams they turn to the dreams created by other men. Instead of attending a weekly worship service with their wife and children they choose to stay home and participate in mindless activities that do not encourage them to invest in their wife and children.

The reality as we approach the end times is that the infrastructure which men have spent a lifetime in creating is about to come crashing down like a proverbial house of cards.

Men who have retired will not tell you how they had wished they had worked harder, earn more money, or went after that final promotion. On the contrary these men will tell you how they had wished they had spent more time with their family.

Where are you at this point in life? Are you pursuing dreams that will only lead to the death of your children, or are you, like the farmer, investing in the lives of your family through your daily love and affection and the investment of time?

God gave us the perfect model to help us become the best father's we can be to our family. He gave us an awesome user's manual called the bible to give us the wisdom to be those good father's. If you are pursuing empty dreams it is not too late to make a U turn. It is not too late to turn on the love and affection spigot and shower your family. Your family will forgive you because like the proverbial seed of a child in the field they will now thrive.

Happy Father's day!

What makes a father?

No man is perfect.We all make mistakes and we all fall short of the standard we desire to reach as a father.As I look at my son I can honestly say how very proud I am of him. There were times I wonder if I had fallen short in raising him. Many times I had played the I shoulda, I coulda, and the what if game. Like a head coach you rerun the plays in your mind wondering if you could have done something different at that particular moment in time.


Life is not a movie script that is well rehearsed before it is filmed. It is a first run production filled with many mistakes and imperfections. What really makes the role of being a father relevant in the life of a child is for the dad to admit to their child when they were wrong. It is spending time with them so their sense of self esteem and security is solidified. It is for the dad to model Christ in their lives so their children will more easily see Jesus.


It is comforting to know that although we as dad's are imperfect, ill equipped, and ill prepared to raise a child we have a Father in heaven to show us what it is like to be a dad. We have a Father in heaven who came to earth as a humble baby raised by poor parents, taught a trade, and lived a humble life until he began his public ministry. We have a father in heaven who loved his children so much that he was willing to die on the cross for our sin's just so we can spend eternity with Him. Our God demonstrated to us earthly dad's how self sacrifice can change the hearts and minds of children. He is our model in being a dad.


Happy Father's day to all the dad's out there!

Go have another adventure

Last night my wife and son picked out a movie for all of us to watch. The movie he chose was the Disney/Pixar classic 'UP' which is about man grieving the loss of his wife and thinking she left him too soon to complete their adventure in life. The two of them always had this running script where supposedly they would settle in Paradise Falls. Well she died before that could happen.

In this scene Carl has landed his house on Paradise Falls, but in the process has alienated a boy scout kid who came along for the ride in search of earning his medal and a dog who only wanted to love him. He unwillingly pushed them away because of his need to hang onto the things of the past. Carl walks back into the home, sit's in his chair next to the one Ellie always sat in and decided to look at their memory book which began with the page 'things I want to do'. As he turned to the next page there were pictures of their marriage. On the final page were her handwritten words, " now go have another adventure". Carl thought all along that their adventure was never complete when his beloved Ellie died, but reality was she had completed her adventure by marrying Carl. It wasn't Paradise Falls, but it was her marriage that was the adventure.

Carl closes the book, looks outside and sees the young boy drifting away to go after the evil character Charles Muritz. Carl decided that the only way he could lift his house to help this boy scout was to discard the things from the past by dumping all of the possessions he and Ellie had accumulated over a lifetime. Only then was the house able to float up.

When we are grieving we need to let go of our pain by creating a new adventure in our life. For our family we are creating that adventure by flying to California to see friends and experience the beauty of the west coast.

Carl learned that his adventure wasn't in the past, but in the future with his new found friends. God has given us the ability to pursue that next great adventure by giving us the hope that Christ has given us. He gave us the assurance that our loved one is in a better place as well as the assurance that we can have our next great adventure.

In the end Carl helped a small fatherless boy earn his boy scout medal and the three of them, Carl, the boy and his dog sat outside the ice cream parlor eating ice cream. Carl learned that his adventure wasn't in the past with his beloved Ellie, but it was in the future with his new found friends.

God desires us to be vulnerable with one another

 ^1-4My dear friends, don't let public opinion influence how you live out our glorious, Christ-originated faith. If a man enters your church wearing an expensive suit, and a street person wearing rags comes in right after him, and you say to the man in the suit, "Sit here, sir; this is the best seat in the house!" and either ignore the street person or say, "Better sit here in the back row," haven't you segregated God's children and proved that you are judges who can't be trusted? 


The other day was reflecting on a conversation I had with a co-worker 30 years ago.  He and I attended the same graduate training program and on this one particularly day I was especially down on myself.

 I was frustrated that I was someone that 'care too much'. I thought I wanted to be like other people who valued the outward trappings of success and so I made a comment to a co-worker and fellow graduate student about how I wished I wasn't like this and how I wished I could be like everyone else.  Fully expecting to get advice from him on how exactly I could become that person I was floored when he told me that I should be glad for the person I had become and  not try to change the one thing that is so refreshing in this world.


As I reflected on what he said for I realized that there are people in this world who are going to be kicked in the shins, looked down upon because they do not have the right clothing, or feel devalued by others all along the path of life  and are ready to give up. God needs people who care for one another. He needs people to show them how much they are valued and he needs people to look past the outward trappings of success at the heart.

This is the main reason why the Christian church grew and grew! People see believer's  enjoying  each other and sharing their burdens with one another and to those on the outside living in a dog eat dog world it is a radical concept that draws people into the church.

God wants people to be vulnerable with one another and to share their burdens with one another. He wants people to be open with one another. Vulnerability means being real with people and letting people know that you have the same struggles as them.

 As you practice being vulnerable with people they will see that you have something truly special that the world does not have and before you know it your faith in Christ will point people to the life changing source Himself.

So go ahead and be open with people and watch God do miracles in their lives.

Leaning into God helps us with our grief

I must admit that I am a man who is sensitive to the emotions associated with loss. Not being someone who desires to bury deep within the pain I feel, I choose instead to bring those emotions to God. The God who created the universe, who created male and female, who came in the flesh to show me the way, who died on the cross for my sin's and rose from the dead and came back to life is the same God who wants to restore me after enduring losses.

I  know that the one thing that has kept me moving forward in life is rising every Sunday morning and attending Worship services, singing and praising the Lord, hearing the God breathed word  through the mouths Pastors and being encouraged and encouraging others who are struggling in life.

God did not make us to be lone spiritual rangers who attend bedside baptist and listen to radio church services, but he made us to have fellowship with other believers.  As my 12 year son said to me shortly after Maria's death, " why do we have to go church when we do not feel like going?" My response to my son was " you know you're right, we could all stay home because we don't feel like going to church, but if we do we may miss out on opportunities where we  might be blessed by a kind word, a gentle hug from a fellow believer who out of their sorrow want to touch our lives in some way.

So the next time you get the inkling to stay home on a Sunday morning ask yourself the following question: what blessing, or kind word might I miss out on staying home?

Institutional Grief

Lately, I began thinking about the whole concept of Institutional grief from the standpoint of it's effects on whole organizations. It has now been 5 years since our 10 year old daughter left us prematurely.  Her death was not anticipated.  She didn't have cancer, nor did she undergo a high risk surgery that could have resulted in sudden death. She was in all practical sense to recover from her corrective surgery and return to the school she loved to be.  I started reflecting on this concept after getting an e mail from a friend who knew our daughter when he taught with my wife at the school our daughter attended. He said that after 5 years her death still touches him deeply.

In a Danish study financial experts reviewed the profit margins for two years before the death of a child belonging to the CEO of a company and two years after and they found that there was a drop in the 2 years following the loss.  They also found that in families who had suffered a loss of a child there was a loss of productivity in the employees. It seems that the death of a child profoundly effects us all and is a tough form of grief to recover from.

In one hospital that recognizes the profound impact of grief they introduced a program called grief rounds where doctors who are profoundly effected by the loss of their patients can come together to share their grief with one another.  It seems that giving these doctors permission to talk about their grief is one way for them to heal from it.

Grieving people need permission to share their stories of lost. Not just the ones who actually lost a loved one are grieving, but those who are in the immediate circle who knew the family are also grieving and need permission to share their grief.

Which is why organizations need to have a  crisis plan put in place that describes the protocol for helping organizations heal from grief when a sudden death occurs to a family.  Giving grieving people permission to share their stories over and over in a safe, non threatening manner is one way to help organizations heal. In time, organizations will be able to bounce back to their former levels of productivity they had prior to the loss..

It would be interesting to see further research on this whole concept of institutional grief and I encourage any graduate student majoring in organization psychology to consider such research because knowing more about it could lead to methods that will help organizations to heal from painful losses that occur.

The emotions behind June 10th. 2007

September 11, 2001. December 7, 2012.November 11, 1940.May 8th, 1945. Each of these days carry an emotional pang because each is associated with a significant event that occurred that day and it seems that every one who was alive that day can remember where they were and what they did when the event happened.

Most of us were alive on September 11, 2001 when the jet liners crashed into the world trade towers killing thousands of people.  We all remember where we were and what we were doing at the time we saw in real time the burning building and the people jumping to their deaths. It seems that the memory seared it's mark on our brains. The closer you were to the tragedy of 911 the more traumatic the memory has stayed with your for years after the original event. For many it has taken the competence of a qualified therapist to help them recover from the event.

June 10, 2007 is the date we will never forget. It was the date that our daughter Maria died from complications of pain medications that she was unable to metabolize  in her blood stream.  Rather than nursing her back to health after she returned home we were now left with the responsibility of burying her.  Rather than continuing to celebrate her milestones all we had were her lost memories.  Instead of watching her progress in her therapy and her excitement of returning to school where she would begin the 5th grade we were plunged into the depth of sorrow and grief.  Instead of watching our kids enjoying one another as siblings  we had to watch our son learn to be an only child.

June 10th has become a date that has seared into our memory and one associated with our loss.  Remembering that we have a daughter in heaven is a reminder for all of us how close we are to our own end and how one day we too will be face to face with our Lord Jesus as He throws his arm around us and says, "well done my faithful servant, welcome home."  Our daughter will be in that throne room ready to introduce us to her Savior,

A tribute to the doctors and nurses at Gillette Children's Specialty Clinics

Since this is the week we honor the heaven sent homecoming of our daughter, Maria, I wanted to pay tribute to all of the wonderful doctors and nurses at St. Paul Gillette children's Specialty Children's clinic where so many of the finest staff were part of our daughter's healing journey.  You are not the blame for our daughter's sudden passing and if anything you were part of improving the quality of her life and had she continued her earthly existence she would have thanked everyone of you with her hugs and kisses.

The men and woman who choose this profession do so because they want to help people with their complicating health problems and before they ever step foot into a examining room they must spend hours, months and years preparing themselves for this noble profession.

There is one doctor I want to especially pay tribute to on this blog. His name is Dr. Stephen Sundberg and he is an amazing physician and surgeon who was part of our daughter's life. He has a heart of compassion that says 'I care about you and we're going to do everything possible to improve your life .'  I would describe him as the best of best of the Pediatric specialty doctors.  I would not hesitate in a heart beat to recommend him to families looking for a doctor to work with their special needs child.   Dr. Sundberg has a compassion for children world wide and often travels to other countries to help special needs children.  We were blessed to have the best of the best to help our daughter and we were further blessed having the wonderful staff at Gillette to work with our daughter.

The men and woman working in the medical field do so knowing that along the way there will be heart ache and there will be grief which they themselves must recover from when one of their patients dies. These men and woman grieve much like families grieved, but the two sides are not able to connect because of the fear of lawsuits. Doctors and nurses are advised to circle the wagons and have minimal contact with those they have treated. Grief becomes even more complicated to heal from when communication is blocked.

 Lawsuits are not the answer. Lawsuits prevent timely discoveries of new medicines and new devices needed to help people. This is more noticeable when one has a difficult hard to treat medical condition. Rather than lawsuits what we need most is to work through the grief with the help of a trusted friend, counselor, or therapist so you can get to the other side where you can forgive and work toward doing things that honor the memory of your loved one.

Knowing Jesus Christ as my Savior and Lord has actually helped me in my recovery process. If you are struggling with hatred for those in the medical professions for some ill they did to your loved one I encourage you to read the four gospels in the new testament and lay the hate, your lack of forgiveness, and your need for vengeance at the foot of the cross and say these words, " Dear Jesus,  I know that I am a sinner. I know I have this hatred and vengeful feelings for the wrong that was done. I do not understand why this had to happen, but I lay down my feelings at the foot of the cross and I ask you to come into my life and become my hands and feet and my mouthpiece and change me for the better. I know that if I say these words with my mouth and I mean it you will come into me and I will have assurance of salvation and going home to heaven for all eternity."

If you said these words you are now a child of God and Jesus is now in your heart where he will help you walk through whatever tough time comes your way.

Father's, do not abandoned your families

But as for me and my household we will serve the Lord'                                 

Tonight, I kept hearing the sound of valuable china vases falling off their stands and shattering on the floor below. As the winds picked up I heard the sound of breaking china all over the place. One by one these vases shattered into a million particles of brokenness. Once held as precious and valued these vases now lied broken and forgotten.

If each of these china vases represented a family and with the shifting of the winds of dissension the family lies broken you can see why I see pain in those shards of glass.

Last night at one of our last open houses my wife and I had a good conversation with a recent graduate who now is in his 2nd year at a Christian university where he is studying business finance. He shared the brokenness that shattered his family when his dad left them. He shared the brokenness of not really knowing how he would be able to return to the same university to finish his degree.  As he spoke I again could hear the sound of china vases breaking into a million shards of glass.

Where are the men who are willing to take a stand for Christ? Who are willing to be role models and mentors for their children and protectors of their wives?  Where are the men who are willing to stand up and exclaim, " As for me and my household we will serve the Lord" (Joshua 24:15)?  Where are the men who are willing to take a stand against lust and every evil thing in this world?  Where are the men who are willing to uphold their wife and children as precious china vases and protect those vases from worldly harm.

Men, when you abandoned your family for the lust of the world you are causing irreparable harm to your wife and children which may take years and even decades for them to recover.  I encourage men everywhere to take a stand today to do what it takes to put your marriages back together so those precious china vases can be protected from being broken.

God will not waste your pain

he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Psalm 23:3
Today was a day of graduation open houses. A total of 9 we attended and at everyone they had a spread of food. It took a monumental effort to limit myself to small quantities at each of the open houses. These open houses were more than just food.  It was all about the people who came together in honor of the graduating senior.

At the final open house I had a conversation with a older gentleman who shared with me the tragedy of losing a child in 1961. He and his wife were in the beginning years of their marriage when their 4 1/2 year old son died unexpectedly  He shared his painful grief journey about  how they each traveled different paths in the grieving process. He said that the loss of his son was so painful that it took 20 years before he could even mentioned his son's name again. He and his wife stayed married., but the death changed the two of them forever.  

Furthermore, Paul shared with me that just several years ago his daughter lost her 14 year old son when he was crossing highway 8 coming home form wrestling practice.  He said that the hardest thing was watching his daughter going through the same pain he had gone through in 1961.

I was able to share our families grief journey of losing our daughter Maria five years ago and how God has walked with us every step of the way with our journey. Just as Paul was there to support his daughter God used him to help this dad understand that there is hope at the end of the tunnel of grief.

If you are going through a difficult painful process you may not see how God is going to use your pain and you may not realize this for many years, but in time God will provide opportunities where you will be able to share your pain to give others hope that God will walk with them every step of the way.

With every transition in life there is grief

Transition:  The process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another. Undergo or cause to undergo a process or period of transition: "we had to transition to a new set of products".

Life does not remain stagnant. It changes. The ordinary looking creepy crawling caterpillar makes a larvae around itself and re-emerge as a beautiful butterfly.Transition to this new phase would not have occurred unless this process is complete.

A person who struggles with alcohol or drug problems enters a treatment program in hopes of transitioning to a new state of having freedom from addiction.  If he is successful he will be like that butterfly and experience life in his new surroundings. If he is not it is likely because he wasn't able to break free from former chemically dependent friends with the lure of drugs. He gravitates back partly because he misses those friendships. Missing them is grief.

A high school student spends every day for 12 years with essentially the same group of friends and then transitions into his post high school life with the ceremony to mark his transition. In my day, there was no Facebook that would enable us to maintain those connections and when the ceremony ended we truly said a final goodbye and moved on to our next transition.

No doubt there was sadness. Sadness for the kids who would not see their friends as often. Sadness for the parents who all of a sudden had their daily routine of making lunches, driving their kids to school, and chauffeuring their kids to various activities ripped from under them. Life was about to evolve into a new transition. Until they complete that transition they must reconcile with the past, accept the changes and joyfully move onto their next phase.

What truly makes these transitions easier to accept is knowing that we have a Savior who is there to help us make those transitions a successful passage.  In a response to Nicodemas Jesus replies to his question of how can a man be born when he is old:  Jesus answered, “I tell you the truth, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit.6 Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit[b] gives birth to spirit. 7 You should not be surprised at my saying, ‘You[c] must be born again.’ 8 The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.”  Jesus made it possible through his transition through death and resurrection for us to experience new life. Without that transition we would continue to be a sinful person with no hope of experiencing life with Jesus!

As we say goodbye to our former selves we open the door to new beginnings. A beginning as exciting as Lucy, Peter, Susan and Edmund going into Narnia through the wardrobe and experiencing another world full of adventures  Exciting adventures await for those who successfully navigate those transitions.  We have a Savior who wants to be part of your transitions adventure. He will help you navigate those transitions and help you become that beautiful fluttering butterfly!

Powerful graduation ceremony in honor of the class of 2012

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12 remember that at that time you were separate from Christ, excluded from citizenship in Israel and foreigners to the covenants of the promise, without hope and without God in the world. 13 But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near by the blood of Christ. Ephesians 2:12-13


Tonight my wife and I attended the class of 2012 graduation ceremony at Legacy Christian Academy.  I do not remember  ever been to a graduation ceremony that had as many powerful and moving speeches as I heard tonight.  This particular class has been through tragedy and these kids were reminded how important it is to follow Christ all of their days even when it is so easy to fear the unknown.

There were not one, but two memorial scholarships given out. Let me tell you about them.  In the mid 1980's there was a young girl named Faith Delich, daughter of Trudy and John Delich.  Trudy was our adoption social worker for our two kids and John was my wife's boss and director of Meadow Creek Christian School. Faith was riding her bike across Bunker Lake Boulevard to attend youth activities at their church when she was hit by a car. She died instantaneously. Every year  they have handed out a couple of scholarships in honor of their daughter Faith.

The second Memorial scholarship was set up in honor of Matthew Enfield.  Matthew had a promising future and had hopes of attending law school when he  took his own life in 2008.  In his memory the family chose to begin for the first time last night a Matthew Enfield scholarship.

Two families marred by tragedy choosing to channel their grief in healthy ways by helping students of this very good school to realize their dreams.

Kristi Winkes, English and drama teacher at Legacy, gave a very poignant speech where she talked about her 'Bo' moment.   Bo was a fast and huge football player at the college she attended and as she was walking one day to class this big guy  came out of no where knocking her off her feet..  Bo was well known and  was in the running for the Heisman trophy. She reminded these kids that they too will have their own 'Bo' moments where something happens where they will be momentarily knocked off their feet, but like her they will get back up and continue on.

Kristi also reminded them that many people they meet along the way will be experiencing life problems and because of their faith in Christ they will have the opportunity to share their faith with them.

Your raise me up was one of the songs that was sung at tonight's ceremony. The words are a reminder that Christ is there to support you no matter what happens in your life.  Whether sorrow, pain, or just having a bad day Christ is there to help you get through whatever happens to you.

How to find a job in the hidden job market

I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, Ephesians 1:18

Many of you are wondering why I have a hidden job market video on my blog when most of the stories have been on grief and grief recovery. Well, the answer is simple.  When a person loses a job they have held for many years they go through a period of grief as they process the emotions of losing that job. As a Career specialist  I thought it would be appropriate to put some suggestions suggestions on my blog that would give people the tools to access the hidden job market.

It is no secret that we have a very brutal job market with thousands of  people competing for the same job. With each employer turn down the applicant has to process the emotions associated with that turn down and  continue on in their job search. Job searching can be incredibly demoralizing.   In this environment the usual approaches for job search simply do not work because 100's of thousands are using those same approaches.

What you must do is develop the tools you need to access the "hidden" job market.  The speaker in this video will give you the tools you need to do just that and I encourage you to watch both parts of this video to learn those tools. He will engage you in a very entertaining format and hopefully you will have learned something to apply to your job search.

It is my hope that if you struggle with finding work in this economy you will  have  renewed hope that will enable you to find the job you want.

Freedom in Christ

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. Galatians 5:1




I was thinking of this today as I did my daily glance at the newspaper filled with stories of tragedies, personal financial calamities, and the collapse of our local professional baseball team. Are we really behaving like slaves when we allow ourselves to be held captive to this news?

Grief is everywhere in the world around us. A family loses a child and grief effects everyone around them, including the family. A spouse loses their job after working with an employer they thought they were going to retire at and they go through a painful grief process that last for months, years and even decades. Unresolved grief which simply means not talking about it to process all of it's complicated emotions associated with it can be dangerous to your psychological and medical state of being.

When something happens in life that results in grief none of us can turn back the hands of time. What is done is done and cannot be changed, but what all of us has the power to do is to talk about our grief with a trusted friend who is willing to walk the painful journey with you. You cannot expect to get over it in just a few short encounters because the grief process is a very complicated one where each emotion you are feeling needs to be dealt with in it's time.

One of the attorney's I initially consulted with ( the one who greatly understood my pain of losing a daughter) told me that every year on the anniversary of their daughter's death he is unable to go to work and together with his wife they take time off that day to reflect on their loss.

There are going to be some grief in life that is simply too painful to handle on your own. In those cases you should remember that we have specialist in the mental health field who are trained to assist you with processing that grief. Shortly after my loss I took took time out of my work day to see a clinical psychologist that was recommended to me who had a reputation of helping people recover from the initial stages of shock, anger, depression associated with my grief. I recognized that these psychologists are there to help us process the trauma and grief emotions so they do not get to the point where our body starts developing symptoms that could lead to greater health problems.

You are not crazy because you see a psychologist. They are there to help you much like your medical doctor treats your acute symptoms. As you process your emotions of your grief with a trusted friend or even a psychologist please remember that Christ has set us free from the bondage of slavery to these very emotions and like a Olympic athlete we must exercise our minds by reading those poetic and historical words in the bible which are evidence for us of God's deep love for his people and his desire to bring healing to each of us. Yes, Christ has set us free and the chains have been broken and we are free to leave our prison cells and experience true freedom in Christ!