When healing doesn't happen

15 Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.  Ephesians 5: 15-16

A simple trip to the barber shop.  God knows exactly what he is doing. Something so ordinary as getting a haircut can turn into an opportunity to exchange faith stories. The gal that cut my hair asked me about my family. I said we had a son, a senior in high school, but that we also had a daughter. Part of me had wanted to say we had one son and leave it at that, but then I wouldn't be telling the truth.  Maria was part of our family for the first 10 years of her life and she left us with so many great memories. I knew I couldn't just not make any reference to her because I knew that she was alive and well in the place we all yearn to be in heaven.

She asked how many years was it and how did she die. The door had been opened and i knew I had to share my story which was that she had died the first night home from the hospital where she had had successful surgery to improve her mobility. She asked how she died and I shared about the dangers of Narcotic pain medication toxicity with some kids of certain ethnic groups. She asked when and I said 5 years ago.

The door was now fully open and she said that when she was 18 her 9 year old brother died after undergoing numerous surgeries over the years for a congenital condition. She said it was hard on her mom when he died.

Then we talked about how our faith has kept our families strong. She said she was a Christian. In both families our children were not healed in this life, but because of what  Jesus Christ did for us they were given brand new Spiritual bodies and for the first time are experiencing running and jumping without any impediment.   

As we listened to each other share I concluded that only God sees the total picture of our lives. The pain she faced when her younger brother died has given her the boldness to talk about her faith. Loss will do that to people.  People very often come to Christ when they hear a story about how Christ delivered them through the hardest, most difficult times of their lives. People are not impressed by stories of how God blessed them with a million dollars and a  brand new sports car, but people come to Christ when they learn about a difficult, unbearable situation that Christ brought them through. 

I couldn't help think how our conversation was impacting the other hair cutter in the store, or even the other customers waiting their turns.  We must never be ashamed of the gospel because we just never know the impact the word of God can have on someone's life.

The struggle with self esteem

                                                                   

Labor day weekend is full of mixed emotions for many young people as they prepared to go back to school. All young people can probably identify with what Doug Bender says in this video which is wondering if they will ever have one good friend who truly understands them. Peer pressure has a way of eroding a young person's self esteem and in this social networking world it is easy for young people to feel lonely and isolated from others.

Doug Bender said a pray asking God to show him one very good friend who truly knows him and who is there for him when he most needs a friend. On the eve of his 16th birthday Doug found out that God did answer that prayer because the one friend that has been there for him all those years was Jesus Christ.

Are you taking the time to get to know Jesus? Are you spending time with Jesus and reading his remarkable word?  As you cultivate this all important relationship you will discover that you will develop a more Christ centered walk with God and the Self  has been replaced with Christ esteem.

God wants to be your friend. Won't you allow him to come into your life and be that friend?

The importance of memories in the grief recovery process

There was a man in the land of Uz whose name was Job, and that man was blameless and upright, one who feared God and turned away from evil. There were born to him seven sons and three daughters. He possessed 7,000 sheep, 3,000 camels, 500 yoke of oxen, and 500 female donkeys, and very many servants, so that this man was the greatest of all the people of the east. His sons used to go and hold a feast in the house of each one on his day, and they would send and invite their three sisters to eat and drink with them. And when the days of the feast had run their course, Job would send and consecrate them, and he would rise early in the morning and offer burnt offerings according to the number of them all. For Job said, “It may be that my children have sinned, and cursed God in their hearts.” Thus Job did continually.

 Job 1: 1-22.. 

For those who do not know the story of Job will learn that Job tragically lost everything and while he grieved he wanted his friends to sit with him and not offer him any advice. They were to just listen to him pour out his pain.

"Why is she always talking about the 'good ole days'?" Why do they dwell on the son or daughter they lost so many years ago?" "Grandma always wants to talk about boring stuff like when she was a little girl" A guy in my class told me he has nightmares about the night his sister died" "I wished we had the old Bert back because he was so much more fun to be around."These are some of the comments I have heard from people over the years.

 While I was in college I volunteered in a nursing home where I was assigned to several older gentlemen who in the words of the volunteer coordinator  had given up. I was assigned the task of visiting each one weekly to do nothing more than listen while playing checkers.  I found quickly that their memories were all that was remaining to give them a reason to keep on living. It was our visits that kept their memories alive. Outside of our visits they were alone. Isolated because their family never visited them.  Their former friends were long since deceased. They were now in a sea of loneliness, swimming against the tide of those who do not understand them.

One by one these 4 elderly men gave up.  I remembered how disheartening it was to visit only to be told that one of the gentleman had died two nights before.

When a family loses a child sometimes the only thing the family has are the memories of their son or daughter in a happier time.  To deny them the right to talk about their child is in essence stifling the grief recovery process.

I heard one person comment that it makes her sad when she reads about another person's visit into her past. In her mind she would rather see people focus on enjoying the present. I do not think this is the general thinking when you look at the millions of dollars that companies like 'Creative Memories' make in helping families preserve the past.

The telling and re-telling of a trauma event  is the only way for a grieving family to truly recover from their pain.  The fear of losing the memory of their loved one is their biggest fear and so they do their best to  hang onto those memories.  .

But, why can't he or she just 'move on?'  For crying out loud it was just a few years ago he or she died. Grieving is very much a individualized process that is as unique as the person who is grieving. The best thing one can do is to listen as their friend re-tells the stories about their loss.  Listening will help them recover. When God made man he made him with one mouth and two ears.  The subtle message was he wanted man to do more listening than talking.

It has been over 5 years since Maria left us prematurely. Her life line ended, but her memories remained permanently part of each of us. So it is with all of us.  All of us will lose precious family and friends as time goes on. When that happens remember to talk about that loved one, no matter how redundant it seems to be.  It is when we share our memories that healing takes place.

Midnight

Not a sound from the pavement
Has the moon lost her memory
She is smiling alone
In the lamplight
The withered leaves collect at my feet
And the wind begins to moan
Memory
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/b/barbra+streisand/memory_20012982.html ]All alone in the moonlight
I can smile happy your days ( I can dream of the old days)
Life was beautiful then
I remember the time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again
Every street lamp seems to beat
A fatalistic warning
Someone mutters and the street lamp gutters
And soon it will be morning
Daylight
I must wait for the sunrise
I must think of a new life
And I mustnt give in
When the dawn comes
Tonight will be a memory too
And a new day will begin

Burnt out ends of smoky days
The still cold smell of morning
A street lamp dies ,another night is over
Another day is dawning
Touch me,
It is so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory
Of my days in the sun
If you touch me,
Youll understand what happiness is

Look, a new day has begun...                                                                          

How will they know lest we tell them?

                                                                           

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4

Recently a friend of mine loaned me his power washer so I could thoroughly clean the exterior walls of our home in preparation for painting.  I thought I knew how to run a power washer, but the next day I discovered how much I didn't know about it's operation. If I had been there when this friend dropped it off I would have been able to hear the eyewitness account from a man who understood the operation of this equipment. There wasn't a manual that came with this equipment and consequently I grew more bewildered as I tried to understand this machine. What if I did get the users manual, but every line in the booklet was etched out in heavy black marker with the exception of the final line: 'warning, do not start the power washer unless all of the previous steps were followed!' I decided that before I operate this machine i really needed to talk to the eyewitness that loaned this equipment so I wouldn't mess it up.

Everyday, it seems, we as believers are told to put a gag over our mouths so we do not offend people who are not sympathetic to our beliefs. Christian singing groups are forbidden to sing in the public plaza's in case there is someone who is the remotest offended by the lyrics of their songs. Churches have walked away from their evangelism programs where men and woman are taught how to share their faith because people on the outside are offended by what they had to say.

How will they know, lest we tell them? The events of June 10th, 2007 have been permanently etched in the minds of our family.  Not just the sudden loss of our daughter, Maria, but the aftermath of how God came along side our family to carry us through the painful, solitary, path of grief.  I didn't realize it at the time, but the simple prayer I said in the spring of 1974 at the age of 18 would be the beginning of the Lord working in my life.  I also didn't realize it at the time that the Lord comes along side those who travel the storms of life be it the loss of a child, the loss of a job, monetary losses, etc.

How will they know lest we tell them? A death of child changes a family in ways that one cannot even imagine.  No longer do you think of self actualizing things such as climbing the economic ladder, achieving great success, or acquiring material possessions. Gone are the prayers like "Lord I pray that you will bless me with that candy apple red sports car i saw yesterday", or "please bless me by giving our family that nice home we saw the other day". Life takes on a more serious tone when a loved one dies because you realize how fragile life really is in the overall scheme of things.

In this post modern world more and more people are evolving into adults who have never stepped inside a church, have no knowledge of what Christian holidays mean, or even that the Sabbath is a day of rest. Sunday is just another day.  When tragedy strikes many do not know how to respond to those tragedies because no one has told them that 'God loves them and has a wonderful plan for their lives'.

As we travel through these storms we must count all of the blessings that come with those storms because it is in those storms when God will give you a platform to share the good news with those who need to hear the good news.

Life's Finality

                                                                       

It is amazing how a simple trip to the doctor can conjure up all sorts of 'what if's' scenarios where you run each of the scenarios through your mind of what possibly could be wrong with your health.  You wonder if the the doctor will tell you whether the little mole on your arm is nothing to be concerned about, or tell you y the dreaded news that what you have is a melanoma skin cancer and needs to be treated aggressively.

Although we intellectually know that when we die  we will see Christ, but on a emotional level we just assume continue living. It is afterall the only thing we are accustomed to at this moment in time.  Life's finality to most of us is somewhere in the distant future when we are old and grey.  Like the proverbial can we kick any thought of death down the road.  Life's finality becomes something that we try to avoid talking about in the here and now.  We much rather listen to the beach boys while playing beach volleyball than remotely giving any thought about the finality of our life.

About two weeks ago I began noticing a small round and raised bump on my forearm.  I monitored that bump and noticed that it grew a little every few days. I finally decided that I had to see a doctor and went to the urgent care clinic where i sat and waited for my appointment.  As I waited i ran through all of the possible scenarios in my mind of what it might be.  As a Christian I had faith that God knows what is best for me, but as a human being I was scared silly about the potential of life's finality.

I was finally called in where I was weighed and had my blood pressure and temperature taken before being ushered into the waiting examination room.  There I sat and waited for the news of what the raised bump could be.  When he came in he asked me some questions and examined the small bump. I had to ask him whether he thought it was melanoma which he said it wasn't.  This was the news I wanted to hear.  He did say it looked like basil cell carcinoma, the less serious form of skin cancer, and it probably needs to be cut off.

I realized as i was told about having the least threatening form of cancer that in thousands of other waiting rooms there are people who are receiving the dreaded news which they did not want to hear. Life's finality is something none of us want to hear, but the reality is that one day all of us will die.  The amazing thing about the Christian faith is that life's finality does not have to be a painful thought because the bible is full of bible verses that give us comfort, guidance and direction when we must travel through uncharted territory.

Just as our daughter faced life's finality the early morning June 10th, 2007 in the very presence of Jesus Christ  all of us who know Christ will have the same opportunity to experience new life in heaven. When we know Christ life does not have to be final.  It continues on forever in heaven.

The healing power of forgiving

 Jesus told a story about forgiving people:

“Then Peter came to Jesus. ‘Lord, if my brother keeps on hurting me, how many times should I forgive him?’ he asked. ‘Should I forgive him seven times?’

‘No, not just seven times, but forgive him seventy times seven times’, Jesus said.

Recently I have read or heard about numerous workplace shootings that have taken place. The latest being today when a 58 year old former employee shot to death a younger employee over the loss of his job. This former employee indiscriminately began shooting innocent bystanders and at point blank shot his co worker in the head before being killed himself by the New York Cities finest. What would possess this man from taking the life of another human being over the loss of his job?  The pain of job loss can drive anyone to desperation, but certainly it should not give them a license to kill.  Surely grief over the loss of a job is a natural reaction to job loss. It is even quite normal to hold a grudge or being unable to forgive the company for letting them go, but when unforgiveness leads to the need to seek revenge then it is time to seek professional help to work through the pain of job loss.

I am sorry to have to break everyone's bubble, but life is simply not fair. Some people will be born into wealth while others will be born into average earning families.  Some people will be blessed with a uniquely higher IQ while others will struggle with various forms of learning problems. Some people will graduate from graduate school at the age of 16 while others struggle to graduate with just their bachelor's degree at 25.

As a Christian my model for how forgiveness should play out is Jesus himself. In the book of Matthew one of  Jesus's disciples asked him how many times should he forgive someone and he asked if it was 7 times, but Jesus said it wasn't 7,. but 70 times 7.

Instead of harboring a grudge against the employer it is important to retrench in order to come up with a strategy to look for a new job.  If new skills are needed then take a certification class in something that employers need.  Then surround yourself with professional and lay people in your life who will support you in your quest for new employment. Never criticize your former employer or your former co workers to prospective employers. If you do they will assume that since you are negative with your former employer then you will be negative toward them should they have to let you go down the line.

Because of this one man's lack of forgiveness many innocent New Yorkers were either killed or injured. This goes against what Jesus talks about in the verse above.  If you are harboring resents, anger toward someone won't you take the time to confess that to God?  God sent his son Jesus to die on the cross for your anger, your hatred and every vile thought so that you do not have to be trapped by the power of those emotions. Jesus wants to be your sin bearer so that you may be set free from captivity of that sin.   Forgiveness leads to true healing.

I learned the healing power of forgiveness when I was able to forgive our daughter's doctor for the sudden death of our daughter the first night she came home from the hospital. Perceiving that he should have done a better job making sure the medications that were prescribed were compatible with her condition I harbor a lot of anger toward him.  Only when I was able to forgive him was I actually set free from the pain of those past events. God reminded me that sense he had forgiven me of my sins through the death of his son then I must forgive those who have brought harm to me.

Won't you do the same?

A little girl could not play with blocks until a team of specialists developed a system so she could play

                                                                               
                                                                               
I was reminded once again of the power of research and development and it's impact on the everyday life of a 2 year old.  Several years ago I remember reading an article about how lawsuits actually take money away from the area of R and D and it once again confirmed in me that I made the right decision to forgive our doctors for the sudden loss of our young daughter when unknown to them the medication that had been prescribed failed to metabolize within her bloodstream the first night home from the hospital following her surgery.

This video clip is all about the great things that those who pursue medicine and the related professions do on a every day basis.  To see a smile fill the face of a child because she can now do things independently is what it is all about.  No doctor wants to be the one that loses a child.  It is perhaps the worst pain a doctor has to deal with in his practice. Doctors who are especially called to work with children struggle with this pain because of their love for children and their unique calling to improve the life of that child.

Only as long as we are focused on bringing lawsuit after lawsuit to try to fix a wrong that we perceived has been done to us we are prevented to work toward forgiveness.   Please do not underestimate the power of forgiveness in the  ultimate healing for your pain. It is the power of forgiveness that is the cornerstone of the Christian faith where Jesus said on the cross just before he died, ""Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."  Christ Jesus took the burden for all of mankind's pain and all that pain was nailed on the cross.  As each nail was pounded into the flesh of Jesus's hands and feet it was as though the weight of mankind's anger was placed on him.

It didn't stop when he died. No.  As  you read further you will noticed that the stone had been rolled away from his tomb which was so carefully put in placed, sealed and armed guards placed before that tomb to prevent anyone from tampering with Jesus body.  Despite all of the careful preparations to keep the body from being taken Jesus rose from the dead.  He conquer death and came back where many people saw him. before he went to heaven.

The message God gave to us through the sacrifice of his son was how much He loves each of us and how he wants us to bring every burden, every painful cry, every hurt to Him because He alone will help you conquer the hurts that are all too real in life.

I remember the words of the final attorney who reminded me, " I could spend the rest of my life in search of an attorney who might be willing to take the case, but in all reality he would have had to use the same information, but in the course of fighting the wrong I would have destroyed my family with my anger and need for vengeance"

As I reflected on those words I was reminded of a scene in heaven where our little girl is playing in her brand new heavenly body without any blemish, or impairment.  In her mind her once earthly existence is so far away  that there is no way she would even want to come back knowing what a good thing going she has there.  Our God knew the entire story how things would end up.  Won't you take time to get to know God's story and see what a difference he can make in your life?

Tonight my heart grieves for the absentee fathers

And, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4

Tonight I was thinking of several families where the fathers are absent from the home and the lack of direction their grown children are getting because of their absence.

 As a dad who has  lost a child I cannot fathom why there are dad's in this world who want nothing to do with their child.  It really pains me to see kids going aimlessly through life wishing they had a dad to play catch with or take them on vacations or just sit with them to read a story.

 In one family I recently heard about there is a father who wanted nothing to do with his daughter.  After his divorce he chose not to spend time with her.  This man hasn't even so much as encouraged his daughter to pursue college.  To make matters worst this man is supposedly a Christian.  Why would a Christian man treat his family like that? Why would a Christian man choose to leave his wife and abandon the family?  Why would a Christian man discard the bride of his youth for a younger woman? Whereas Christian guy's may justify in their minds the reason to abandon the family it is my belief knowing what it says in the bible that God will have the final say with these dad's.

I grieve for the fatherless. It pains me to see how his abandonment of the family can severely damage the spiritual, psychological, economic and social fiber of his family.  It pains me to watch as once loved kids now are forced to be latch key kids because their mom has to work long hours to pay the bills.  It pains me to see these kids wasting time in front of the television while waiting for mom to come home from work. It pains me to see these kids falling behind in their school work because there is no dad in the home to encourage their studies.  It pains me to see these fatherless homes having to use food shelves on a regular basis just get the food they need.

If you are a dad who is contemplating leaving the family I urge you to seek wise counsel . I encourage you to go with the bride of your youth to see a competent marriage counselor who can help you restore that marriage to what it was when the two of you were first married.  It may take months and maybe longer to restore this relationship, but if you are serious enough and are willing to put in the time to improve this relationship I know your children will forever be grateful that you chose to stay committed and active in the family.

World's most famous Atheist scientist now believes that all things are created by God

 

For many years we have watched the debate between those who believe in the creationist theories and those who believe in evolution. Anthony Flew who was the world's most famous atheist scientist now has changed his view that all things are created by God rather than by chance. 

I know that for our family and all of the families who have experienced losses it is the hope that we have in Christ that helps us conquer the deep emotional pangs of grief.  Our daughter Maria had a smile on her face when Linda walked into her bedroom in the early morning hours of June 10th, 2007.  Since we were strong believers in Christ we surmised that Maria saw Jesus that late night/early morning hour and while we were left with nothing more than a shell  she was experiencing and bathing in the warmth of heaven and the arms of Jesus.

Jesus had a wonderful plan for her life and under perfect conditions her life would have continued, but because Maria knew her Lord and Savior she had the assurance that should anything happen to her life that she would experience eternal life.

Where are you at in terms of your relationship with God?  Are you sitting on the fence not ready to make a commitment to Jesus even though he is knocking on the door of your heart right now?  Are you thinking that you have things to do in your life and places to see and when you finished those things THEN you will commit your life to Christ? Are you exploring all of the other religions of the world to see what they have to offer and if you do not find fulfillment in those then you would consider the things Jesus has done.

No one is promised that they will live to an old age. Accidents do happen that bring an abrupt end to peoples lives.  If you pray a simple prayer inviting Christ to come into your life you will, like our daughter, have the assurance of eternal life.

Those who grieve often dream of their loved ones who have died

                                                                         

                                                                     
Last night our family watched some of the technical videos from the movie 'Inception".  If you haven't seen this movie it is well worth watching with your teenage children. In this clip several of the films actors as well as knowledgeable individuals from academia were interviewed on this whole notion of dreams.

I guess the one item that stood out was when someone said that much of our dreams are about people we once knew and died who came back in our dream almost as though they had never died.  You can ask anyone who has lost someone they loved and invariably they will tell you at some point they had that exact same dream.

Our family was no different.  After the loss of our daughter, Maria, each of us at some point had our own separate dream about her.  I remember my son, not longer after she died, shared with us about how in his dream his sister came running up to him.  They were so excited to see each other that they spent time in his dream talking and playing. When it was time for him to go he tried to get Maria to joined him, but then she said that she couldn't go with him. Our son was sad and when he woke up he was happy to had seen his sister in his dream.  As the experts in this clip said our dreams are a way for us to have unfinished business with the one who has died.  Since our family are followers of the Lord Jesus Christ the dreams we had of our little girl serve to remind us that she was in a beautiful place called heaven and one day after we have fulfilled our earthly purpose we will join Maria in heaven.

If for some reason you are having rather disturbing and traumatic dreams of the way your loved one died you may need help processing those images.  Like me I would strongly encourage you to see a good therapist who can be your guide in this process.

Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and do not lean on your own understandings, but in all of your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight Proverbs 3;5-6

People need to know that there is hope in a hopeless world

I was dumbfounded when today I heard that a very popular kids choir wasn't going to be allowed to sing at a outdoor farmers market because someone complained that they were 'uncomfortable' hearing these young singers singing about Jesus.  Why is it that every time somebody complains about this message of  hope we as Christians have to clam up and not say anything more?  What is offensive about he Christian message anyways?  God loves you and has a awesome plan for  your life?  God sent his son Jesus to pay for the penalty of your sins so that you might spend eternity in heaven?

As far as I looked pretty much all of the religions of the world point toward toward God, but only Christianity provides an actual means to heaven.  Only Christianity allows for atonement for one's sins because of what Jesus Christ did on the cross for those sins.

Whether we want to believe it or not Buddha does not assure a place in heaven, nor does yoga, or for that matter Islam.  All of them believe in good works, but only Christianity has the resurrection of Christ and the total atonement for sins because of what Jesus did on that cross.

Fast forward to our shopping trip later the same day.  As my wife and I began getting out of the car I noticed handwriting in blue paint on the car next to ours.  It belonged to the  young family who had just arrived back after their shopping trip at Walmart.  I asked the wife the significance of the blue art work on the window. She hesitated before blurting out that it belonged to her 16 year old brother and after she hesitated some more she said that her brother committed suicide after being in treatment.  Treatment, I thought, was suppose to be a place where people find hope.  Then I realized that unless someone shares the good news that God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life people will never even know what a difference God can do for them.

It occurred to me that as Christians we must never be ashamed of the Gospel message, nor how that simple message can changed lives because there are people who need to know that there is hope for their lives  We must always be ready to share the love of Christ so they have the opportunity to experience a new hope and the very presence of Christ within them.. 

Hearing about the loss of this 16 year old kid I was reminded that complacency for the sake of not offending people is not the way to go as believers, but taking risks and always being ready to share the love of Christ to a dying world that has lost hope is the only option we have as believer's.

Just when you think you want to be alone what you really need is to be around people

If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth; but if we walk in the light as He Himself is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin.  1 John 1: 6-7

For those of us who have experienced grief the first inclination is to be alone.  We often will want to hang a do not disturb sign on our front door to keep people away so we can stew in our sorrows.  While it may seem like the right thing to do at the time the reality is it really isn't the right thing, nor is it a healthy thing. As humans we were meant to be with people.  We were wired to be socially involved with people in this world.

If you get a chance read through the gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.  You will see that God did not bring salvation to the world by himself.  He chose 12 disciples who all came from different walks of life. These 12 could not have been so different, but by calling these men to follow him he was illustrating what he wanted fellowship to look like.  These 12 men ate together, prayed together, sang together, and they went out sharing the message of Christ together.  Their lives had been so radically changed that they new the message of this new hope had to be shared with the lost in this world.

Even in those times people struggled with grief and loss that sent them into periods of solitude and isolation and when the message of hope was presented to them with a vision of what fellowship should look like it was almost like a light bulb went off in their head.

True fellowship consists of joining others at church where we can share our burdens so we can pray for one another.  True fellowship is the beginning of healing from our pain.  Our Lord made the Sabbath for a reason which was to a time where we set our own agenda down so we can reflect on what the Lord has done in our lives.  It is giving back to God in not only our finances, but in listening to one another's burdens so we may pray with them and for them.  

Just think how vibrant God's church might be if all of us were in a thriving relationship with His son Jesus Christ?

Dancing does chase the blues of the What if's away

                                                                         

Lately, I was hit with the resurgence of the 'what if's' when I read a news report about a young girl who died from Codeine toxicity when two guys laced her soft drink with codeine cough medicine. Her sister said all she wanted to do was sleep and when her brother went into her room the next morning she felt cold.  The brother was so distraught that he couldn't make a simple 9-1-1 call and had to have his neighbor make it for him. This, my friends, sent my head spinning to the late night hours of June 9th, 2007 when I became so distraught that I remembered running out doors in front of the house and as I waited for the emergency crew to arrive started calling out to God to "please save our little girl".

Our daughter, as it turns out, died from Codeine toxicity when the codeine which had been prescribed by her pain doctor following her surgery became unable to metabolize this narcotic drug and went into a severe respiratory depression leading to death. Respiratory depression is what killed the little girl in the news story above and it was what took our little girls life.

Both the Chief medical examiner from Anoka County and the head pain doctor at Minneapolis Children's (Maria's surgery was not done there) have concluded that Codeine is a extremely dangerous drug and needs to be taken off the market completely.  It may be an effective pain reliever, but the risks of death far out weigh the benefits.  As you can see in the ABC news video above one pill of legally prescribed narcotic pain medicine can kill a young person.

The pain of the what if's came flooding back with the recent news of another Codeine caused death.

Last night i was able to able to put on the shelve the pain of the what if's  by dancing to swing at a outdoor event in front of Land mark center to a live jazz band.  It was what my wife and I needed and it was what I needed to do to momentarily put away the pain of the what if's.

A Tribute to all families who have raised or are raising special needs children

While driving home tonight I heard this poem read over the air on our local Christian radio station. I was reminded of the commitment that families make in raising a child with special needs. Each family member plays a role in the development of such a child. Parents make sure that physical therapy instructions are followed while the siblings make sure the special needs sibling is included in social fabric of the school. 

©1989 Diadem Sky/Gotz Music


On the day little Danny arrived
His father stared and his mother cried
They knew his name but they didn't know why
He looked the way he did
This thing happens to other kids
How in the world are we gonna live
With a boy like that?


Doctor said, "Dan's the first bad news
Second is his heart won't make it through
It must be fixed unless you choose
To send him back where he came
Starve the boy from his name
Just six short days of pain
Or maybe less"


Chorus:
Danny's Downs but Love is up
It's been known to be more than enough
For more and more of us
Danny's downs but Love is up


"I'm not that strong," his father said
"The dreams are gone, the hopes have fled
Won't be long after he's dead
We'll try again to find
The child we had in mind
Where the hell are those papers to sign?"
And the man broke down


In a private room Danny's mother wept
As an old Jamaican woman swept
And not by chance their eyes met
(And she said)
"God's gifts are only good y'know
And there ain't no Love the Lord can't grow
Aw honey, take that boy with ya when ya go
Back home


(Chorus)


It's been eight years since the surgery
His sister's 5, his brother's 3
He goes to school and he knows how to read
He takes the bus home by himself
Puts his lunch pail back upon the shelf
And he hugs his Momma till she melts
To the floor


They're more than a home, they're a family
'Cause blood and bones are still souls y'see
And someone's baby's just another Danny
And in the guest room in the back
Lives this old Jamaican black
'Cause when you give a gift
God gives it back again.

For most of us these Olympic games allows us to momentarily put our sorrows away to cheer on Athletic greatness

                                                                         

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'  Jeremiah 29:11

This verse is so fitting as I watch this years Olympic games.  Behind many at these Olympic games is a story that unfolds about how they overcame great odds to win a medal at these games or simply to overcome some barrier just to prove to themselves that it is possible for them to compete. Michael Phelps proved his greatness as a swimmer despite going through life not having a dad , but through the mentoring of his father figure swim coach through those crucial years he was able to bring honor and glory to his Country.

Karani James breaks the United States domination in the 400 meters and becomes the youngest runner while still only a teenager was able to also eclipse the all time record set by a runner from the United Kingdom.

Felix Sanchez won his 400 meter hurdles race and after he crossed the finish line he immediately paid tribute to his grandmother.

Oscar Pistorious, a runner from South Africa, defied the odds by becoming the first double amputee to run a 400 meter race.  What he did was phenomenal and it once again demonstrated that  through hard work and commitment  during his rehabilitation years he was able to demonstrate to the world that just because you have a disability does not mean you have to sit on the sidelines watching every one else compete. Oscar Pistorious may not have won a medal, but what he did at these Olympic games will do more to inspire people with disabilities to achieve things they thought never were possible to achieve.

Gabby Douglas became the first black gymnast to win gold in these Olympic games. She overcame great odds, having no role models of color to inspire her to go on and not only win gold for the United States, but do it with such graciousness and style.

I remember at our daughter's final 50 yard dash event at the school track and field event how when her teammates finished their race they ran back to run with her until she crossed her finished line.  No small feat for a young 11 year old girl with a slight limp caused by her mild cerebral palsy.  Her death a few weeks later left us with a sudden void, but I was reminded that because of what Christ had done for her she was now in heaven enjoying all of it's fruits with a new set of legs to boot.

These Olympic games allow us to forget the pain that we see everyday in the world around us.  God does know the plans he has for us. Plans for us to prosper and not to be harmed.  What goal do you want to accomplished?  How can you honor the loved one you so painfully miss through the years? Will you, like Felix Sanchez, pay tribute to a loved one after crossing the finish line of the 400 meter hurdles?

In His time God will heal you of your traumatic memories

The story I bring to you was in yesterday's Minneapolis Star Tribune and it illustrates how in time a person can overcome the grief and trauma images and return to the very sight where the traumatic event happened. It doesn't happen overnight and you can expect having physiological symptoms whenever you drive by someplace that reminds you of your loved one, but if you are willing to do some grief work with a good therapist and in my case allow yourself to trust God to walk with your on this painful journey you will in time be restored.  This article was written by Pam Louwagie, Minneapolis Star/Tribune reporter.

Andy Gannon took a deep breath.
Behind the wheel Wednesday on rush-hour jammed Washington Avenue, he maneuvered his car into the left turn lane, blinker flashing, just like five years ago.
In blaring August sun, he waited again to turn onto the Interstate 35W bridge over the Mississippi River.
He glanced over at the bridge, so different than the one that fell from under him. It had taken years of emotional healing to get to this point, and he was pushing himself. On the five-year anniversary of the collapse, he was determined to finish the journey he had started.
Blink. Blink. Blink.
He took another deep breath.
In 2007, Gannon had been on his way to pay his respects at a Roseville funeral home when the unthinkable happened.
He heard a loud boom. He saw the north end of the bridge buckle like a snake coming toward him. He thought he was going to die.Across the freeway, he watched a Taystee truck catch fire, he heard kids screaming on a school bus, he saw cars sink into the water.
Days later, Gannon felt grateful to be one of the lucky ones; his portion of the bridge didn't fall far. The frame of his car was wrecked, but his biggest injury was bumping his head on the ceiling.
"I thought, 'Oh my God. I have a second chance. This is awesome, this is great. I'm gonna do this, this and this,'" he recalled.
And he did. He spent the next five years concentrating on doing nice things for people and complaining less. He stopped yelling at people in traffic, he hugged friends tightly, he gave his extra Twins tickets to total strangers. He traveled more, ran a marathon and spent more time with his wife and two daughters. He is more understanding of strangers, realizing that people may be dealing with tragedies of their own.
Amid all that, he didn't see the emotional trauma coming at first.
Several months after the collapse, as he approached a different bridge on his way to work, he pulled over. "I just started bawling," he said.
As Gannon worked with a therapist to rebuild his emotional health, construction crews rebuilt the fallen bridge. When it opened a year after the collapse, Gannon tried to be the first survivor to cross it, but logistics foiled his plans.
Gannon ended up avoiding the bridge ever since, feeling it was never the right time, afraid of the emotions it might trigger. So he would exit the interstate and take the 10th Avenue bridge. Or he'd drive a different way completely, crossing the river on I-94.At 5 p.m. Wednesday, Gannon pulled his Ford Edge into the lot at Bobby and Steve's Auto World, just as he had done five years earlier.
As other survivors and officials began gathering for a ceremony at the Mill City Museum just blocks away, Gannon decided to finish his mission before joining them.
"If there's any time that I should do this and get this over with so I can just move on and get closure, this is the day," he said.
He recounted all the things that transpired to put him on the bridge the moment it fell: How he had left his downtown job happy and late after making a big sale; how he had stopped to get $5 worth of gas; how he hadn't made a complete stop at a sign so he could beat traffic as he pulled back onto Washington Avenue.
He stood in the hot summer air, watching cars cut each other off, watching customers pump gas. It all seemed eerily similar.If you went back," he said, staring, "you'd have no idea what was going to happen in seven minutes."
•••
As he sat in the left lane of Washington Avenue minutes later, turn signal blinking, Gannon took his foot off the brake and pushed on the gas.
It was time.
He turned left. He remembered every second of that other time.
Merging into the whirring traffic, he was atop the bridge before he knew it, relieved that he couldn't see the water below. His car sped up as it crossed.
Gannon continued on to Roseville and stopped at the funeral home that he was headed for five years earlier. His journey was finally complete.
"I made it," he said as he got out of his car, pumping his fist into the air but not smiling. "Relief might not be the word. I feel satisfied that this is over and accomplished."
"It's ironic." Gannon paused, unable to speak for a while. "Literally, it's the same type of day.
Pam Louwagie • 612-673-7102

---

35W bridge collapse

It was less than a month after our family loss our daughter when another tragedy happened in our city.  I remember having supper with a friend from our Sunday school class when I got a call from my sister asking me if I was OK.  I said to her that I was and what was up.  She said that she was watching television and just learned that the 35W bridge had just collapse. Just barely able to handle my own loss tragic loss I felt a resurgence of the grief as I reflected on the people driving across this bridge during rush hour of all things and finding their cars either in the Mississippi river or dangerously close to going in.

I could not help but reflect on the children and wondering if they were able to be rescued.  I have since learned that it is normal for people who have had tragedies happen to them to be more hypersensitive  when more recent tragedies occur.  A former student who returned to Columbine high school to teach had a traumatic reaction when a bomb threat sounded the alarm where she reported wishing to be protected instead of being the protector of  the school children.

God is a master healer when tragedy strikes those we love. Regardless of the outcome God is there to help you  In time God will heal your pain and in time God will give you the peace that you long for. In the 23rd Psalm I am reminded of how much He cares for me with the the words' Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.In time God will heal you of the pain of your loss and once again you will feel a gentle smile on your face.

I bring you this story of of the 35 w bridge collapse to remind people what these survivors went through in the months following the collapse.