The importance of memories in the grief recovery process

There was a man in the land of Uz whose name was Job, and that man was blameless and upright, one who feared God and turned away from evil. There were born to him seven sons and three daughters. He possessed 7,000 sheep, 3,000 camels, 500 yoke of oxen, and 500 female donkeys, and very many servants, so that this man was the greatest of all the people of the east. His sons used to go and hold a feast in the house of each one on his day, and they would send and invite their three sisters to eat and drink with them. And when the days of the feast had run their course, Job would send and consecrate them, and he would rise early in the morning and offer burnt offerings according to the number of them all. For Job said, “It may be that my children have sinned, and cursed God in their hearts.” Thus Job did continually.

 Job 1: 1-22.. 

For those who do not know the story of Job will learn that Job tragically lost everything and while he grieved he wanted his friends to sit with him and not offer him any advice. They were to just listen to him pour out his pain.

"Why is she always talking about the 'good ole days'?" Why do they dwell on the son or daughter they lost so many years ago?" "Grandma always wants to talk about boring stuff like when she was a little girl" A guy in my class told me he has nightmares about the night his sister died" "I wished we had the old Bert back because he was so much more fun to be around."These are some of the comments I have heard from people over the years.

 While I was in college I volunteered in a nursing home where I was assigned to several older gentlemen who in the words of the volunteer coordinator  had given up. I was assigned the task of visiting each one weekly to do nothing more than listen while playing checkers.  I found quickly that their memories were all that was remaining to give them a reason to keep on living. It was our visits that kept their memories alive. Outside of our visits they were alone. Isolated because their family never visited them.  Their former friends were long since deceased. They were now in a sea of loneliness, swimming against the tide of those who do not understand them.

One by one these 4 elderly men gave up.  I remembered how disheartening it was to visit only to be told that one of the gentleman had died two nights before.

When a family loses a child sometimes the only thing the family has are the memories of their son or daughter in a happier time.  To deny them the right to talk about their child is in essence stifling the grief recovery process.

I heard one person comment that it makes her sad when she reads about another person's visit into her past. In her mind she would rather see people focus on enjoying the present. I do not think this is the general thinking when you look at the millions of dollars that companies like 'Creative Memories' make in helping families preserve the past.

The telling and re-telling of a trauma event  is the only way for a grieving family to truly recover from their pain.  The fear of losing the memory of their loved one is their biggest fear and so they do their best to  hang onto those memories.  .

But, why can't he or she just 'move on?'  For crying out loud it was just a few years ago he or she died. Grieving is very much a individualized process that is as unique as the person who is grieving. The best thing one can do is to listen as their friend re-tells the stories about their loss.  Listening will help them recover. When God made man he made him with one mouth and two ears.  The subtle message was he wanted man to do more listening than talking.

It has been over 5 years since Maria left us prematurely. Her life line ended, but her memories remained permanently part of each of us. So it is with all of us.  All of us will lose precious family and friends as time goes on. When that happens remember to talk about that loved one, no matter how redundant it seems to be.  It is when we share our memories that healing takes place.

Midnight

Not a sound from the pavement
Has the moon lost her memory
She is smiling alone
In the lamplight
The withered leaves collect at my feet
And the wind begins to moan
Memory
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/b/barbra+streisand/memory_20012982.html ]All alone in the moonlight
I can smile happy your days ( I can dream of the old days)
Life was beautiful then
I remember the time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again
Every street lamp seems to beat
A fatalistic warning
Someone mutters and the street lamp gutters
And soon it will be morning
Daylight
I must wait for the sunrise
I must think of a new life
And I mustnt give in
When the dawn comes
Tonight will be a memory too
And a new day will begin

Burnt out ends of smoky days
The still cold smell of morning
A street lamp dies ,another night is over
Another day is dawning
Touch me,
It is so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory
Of my days in the sun
If you touch me,
Youll understand what happiness is

Look, a new day has begun...