One of my favorite movies was Ordinary People. It's about a family who travels the storms of grief when the boat their two son's were on overturned during a storm. Their youngest son, played by Timothy Hutton, is tormented by the guilt of that day with the nightly nightmarish scenes of reliving the tragedy of watching his older brother slip beneath the water and drown. The movie stars Mary Tyler Moore as the bereaved mother and one of the stars of the Hunger Games, Donald Sutherland.
Not long after I finish writing this blog I learned that actress Mary Tyler Moore passed away.
This movie is about 3 ordinary people who all deal with grief in very different ways.
In one scene, the mother played by Mary Tyler Moore finally gathers her nerve and opens up the door of her dead son's room seeing his awards sitting on the dusty bookcases in this darkened and now lifeless room. She was reminded of the son she no longer has, and just as quickly as she opened that door, she closed it.
Her reaction is a reminder of the pain that all bereaved parents have each time they peak into the bedroom their child once occupied where nothing in the room was touched as if they were anticipating their child's return.
My experience with grief reminds me of how important faith played in the ultimate healing of my grief. Throughout this period of deep sadness, I was reminded that there are many people who have taken a more whimsical view of life as though we expect life to be a life long trip to Disney world where all of our needs are met and life is always happy. We live in a world where most people see going to church as optional as long as there isn't anything better to do.
We live in a city where there seem to be growing number of Yoga studios where one can slip in and seek help with regulating their breath and repeating meaningless mantras while forgetting that there is a living and breathing God who cares and loves them.
I've learned in my own grief that it does pay to have a deeper relationship with my Savior and Lord that brought me through the worst of this journey. It was my faith of really sensing the gentle shepherd walking side by side with me that helped this grieving dad recover from the pain of losing a child.
Not long after I finish writing this blog I learned that actress Mary Tyler Moore passed away.
This movie is about 3 ordinary people who all deal with grief in very different ways.
In one scene, the mother played by Mary Tyler Moore finally gathers her nerve and opens up the door of her dead son's room seeing his awards sitting on the dusty bookcases in this darkened and now lifeless room. She was reminded of the son she no longer has, and just as quickly as she opened that door, she closed it.
Her reaction is a reminder of the pain that all bereaved parents have each time they peak into the bedroom their child once occupied where nothing in the room was touched as if they were anticipating their child's return.
My experience with grief reminds me of how important faith played in the ultimate healing of my grief. Throughout this period of deep sadness, I was reminded that there are many people who have taken a more whimsical view of life as though we expect life to be a life long trip to Disney world where all of our needs are met and life is always happy. We live in a world where most people see going to church as optional as long as there isn't anything better to do.
We live in a city where there seem to be growing number of Yoga studios where one can slip in and seek help with regulating their breath and repeating meaningless mantras while forgetting that there is a living and breathing God who cares and loves them.
I've learned in my own grief that it does pay to have a deeper relationship with my Savior and Lord that brought me through the worst of this journey. It was my faith of really sensing the gentle shepherd walking side by side with me that helped this grieving dad recover from the pain of losing a child.
Living life superficially is like trying to walk on shifting sand on the California coastline. it was easier for me to walk or run along the water's edge where the sand was packed down than through the drier sand where my feet would sink each step I took-- grief is like trying to walk in those drier sands.
I learned that during the filming of Ordinary people, Mary Tyler Moore herself was grieving the loss of her son Richie who accidentally shot himself at 24. Though my grief, I imagined the pain she was experiencing as she filmed this movie.
Then there was another story about a recent loss shared by a friend that also reminded me of the pain of losing a child.
In the obituary sent to me, I was reminded how deep the pain that is felt by grandparents who were grieving their 20-year old grandson.
After reading all of the accomplishments of his life and how well like he was there was the reference regarding the devastating loss this young man encountered several years before when his cousin died tragically, and how it took him many years before he was willing to allow others to get close to him. Through his grief he isolated himself from the rest of the world as if he wanted to protect himself from experiencing another loss like that one. Everything I have read about grief tells me that this young man's reaction to his own grief isn't out of the ordinary- that the tendency to isolate following traumatic grief is more prevalent than we want to believe.
Research even shows that the vast majority of people in our alcohol and drug treatment programs are there because they turned to alcohol and drugs to cope with their pain often associated with loss. It is interesting that the most successful drug and alcohol treatment program is Minnesota Adult and Teen Challenge, a program that points people to their living and breathing Savior. Instead of running from God when bad things happen, they run toward him to draw upon His strength to cope with tragedy.
I learned that as I read God's word he gave me the strength to understand tragedy.I learned that throughout the pages of the bible God's people faced tragedy, but I also learned that it was those difficult times that drew them closer to God.
While it is ok and beneficial to practice deep breathing exercises as a coping mechanism for stress, God wants us to go deeper and truly believe in the living and breathing Savior, the one He sent to be our helper in times of crisis.
If we live with this very superficial view of God, we will blame God every time the storms claim the life of our loved one who didn't deserve to die. We are likely to seek revenge and seek out lawyers than search for the power to forgive.
If we live life with this superficial view of God as this celestial 'Santa clause' who only dumps blessings upon us, we fail to see the meaning and purpose of our suffering. It is as though we see God as a simplified mathematical formula where we do A, God does B which equals C.
The problem with this worldview thinking is it doesn't into account how to process the flashbacks and nightmares that so often afflict those of us experiencing traumatic grief.
In fact, many people will run to the liquor cabinet and drink themselves to the point of passing out just so they can rid their minds of those nightmarish scenes. Drugs and alcohol becomes their coping mechanism for life's tragedies, not God.
On the other hand, as we know God personally through His son Jesus Christ and read God's 'book of life', we discover between Genesis and Revelation that life will be filled with hard times and suffering. By turning to God instead of the alcohol and finding trusted listeners who are willing to help us process our losses we recover quicker.
Our life's tragedies do not have to be the defining moment of our lives as something that reminds us that the good parts of life are behind us and now we must suffer our pain like the those sent to leper colonies alone and isolated from the rest of the world. On the contrary, God wants to use whatever you are experiencing to make you comforters for others suffering their own painful journey. He wants us to be victorious in life.
To live stronger is as simple as inviting the Savior to come in to take control of your out of control life. It is as though you are driving your car on a snowy and icy roadway and finally yielding the steering wheel to Jesus who understands the storm you are in. Jesus will not only bring you through the storm, but he will equip you so when the next storm comes you will not only survive but thrive it.
God wants to be your guide and your comforter for the pain and suffering that your face each day.
He truly cares and loves you as one of his own!
