Why is my pain perpetual, and my wound incurable, which refuseth to be healed? wilt thou be altogether unto me as a liar, and as waters that fail? Jeremiah 15:18
As I prepared for the next session of facilitating Grief Share, I watched the next DVD episode attempting to help us process the 'Why's' of our grief, something that an overwhelming percentage of people do after their loved one dies. You know those heart aching questions:
"Why did my loved one have to die in that car accident?"
Why did God have to take her when there were so many other evil people in this world he could have taken?
Why did he have to die from cancer?
Why couldn't you stop her from dying?
Why do I have to hurt so much?
For some whose faith may be on sinking sand, those questions and the way we process them could be the deciding factor whether we lose our faith and walk away from God, or grow closer to Him in our suffering. C.S. Lewis sums it up well with these quotes from 'A Grief observed':
“The death of a beloved is an amputation.”
“Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything.”
Talk to me about the truth of religion and I'll listen gladly. Talk to me about the duty of religion and I'll listen submissively. But don't come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don't understand.”
Feelings, and feelings, and feelings. Let me try thinking instead.”
“Grief ... gives life a permanently provisional feeling. It doesn't seem worth starting anything. I can't settle down. I yawn, I fidget, I smoke too much. Up till this I always had too little time. Now there is nothing but time. Almost pure time, empty successiveness.”
Getting over it so soon? But the words are ambiguous. To say the patient is getting over it after an operation for appendicitis is one thing; after he’s had his leg off is quite another. After that operation either the wounded stump heals or the man dies. If it heals, the fierce, continuous pain will stop. Presently he’ll get back his strength and be able to stump about on his wooden leg. He has ‘got over it.’ But he will probably have recurrent pains in the stump all his life, and perhaps pretty bad ones, and he will always be a one-legged man. There will be hardly any moment when he forgets it. Bathing, dressing, sitting down and getting up again, even lying in bed, will all be different. His whole way of life will be changed. All sorts of pleasures and activities that he once took for granted will have to be simply written off. Duties too. At present, I am learning to get about on crutches. Perhaps I shall presently be given a wooden leg. But I shall never be a biped again.”
As C.S. Lewis illustrates from those quotes, grief isn't something we rush through by simply having all of our questions answered. People are surprised after receiving the autopsy results of their loved one why it still hurts- as though the simple matter of getting answers would bring an end to their suffering. Yet, we are reminded of our grief each time we are faced with those cascading emotions of our loss. Like the waves of an ocean, we must embrace each one separately until it passes.
Just as in the days of Job, there are religious people who believe that if we do right by God, God will do right by us, or simply you must be suffering because you didn't pray enough, study God's word enough because after all, if you had your loved one wouldn't have died. This is no more accurate as the flat earth people saying the earth is flat!
While it is good to have answers to some of the why questions, it is important to allow yourself to work through the feelings of your loss, however long it takes you- remember there is no set timeline with how long it will take to recover from your grief.
While doing so, remember to draw closer to God by reading His word and from time to time lamenting or 'complaining' to God those feelings that seem to keep you awake at night. Remember that our God is big enough to handle our feelings. Lastly, do as many of us do in our pain and place one foot in front of the other and keep honoring God with your presence in Church every Sabbath day! This by itself will prevent you from venturing down the rocky road of alcohol and drugs to medicate your pain!
Finally, remember that God understands fully what you're experiencing because He voluntarily gave up his son Jesus so that all may come to Him.
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