A tribute to all of the silent grievers in this world

Hebrews 10:23New American Standard Bible (NASB)

23 Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful;

To anyone who has ever been told by well meaning friends or professionals

to move on in your grief,

or

trust God and you won't be so sad

or

stuck in your grief

I dedicate this blog to you.

Well meaning people who say those things only wish they had the old you back

They are grieving for the friend they once knew,

who laughed spontaneously,

loved to do things spontaneously,

or tell funny stories and spontaneously laugh at them

They grieve too

If only they could see that for every time you are hit by sadness

it is 

because the love you had for the loved one no longer there

If only they can see that the difficulty you are having with 

healing from this loss

is related to the intensity of emotions you had for the person

you loss

Whenever you are hit with a sudden gust of emotions from your loss

picture in you mind being on a sail boat on the open water

when

a sudden gust of wind  blows and you quickly swing your sail

to catch the breeze

like a good yachtsman

lean into your grief

don't deny it, 

or

pretend it isn't there

ride into those emotions

like the wind on the open sea

the intensity will not last long

Sooner than later they will return to a sea of calm

Remember,

there is no time table for this sort of grief

it is as unique as the love you had for the person who died

When

that day arrives when you are feeling half way normal again

When you have adjusted to the new normal in your life

compassion for others 

traveling this strange road

will become your 

new passion!

Too much sugar in our diets may actually complicate the grief process

do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 1Coriinthians 6:19

When a famed Pastry chef traveled to the United States to start a restaurant she was encouraged to double the amount of sugar in her recipes because 'American's like their pastries sweet.

Sugar seems to be in so much of what we eat. For example, before my wife and I had kids we went out for breakfast with another couple with two boys and I will never forget watching consume the chocolate chip pancakes with lavish amounts of syrup on top.

When we celebrate we do so with style with a large sundae from DQ, or a free pie from a restaurant that offers this when you order a meal. The rallying cry at most restaurants became, " have you save room for any dessert!?" They know if they can get you to order the dessert and beverages it will help pad the bill and hence the profitability of the restaurant. Fast food restaurants, for example, make their most profit by the soft drinks they sell. The problem with this picture is that all of these items are loaded with sugar.

When we are grieving and prone to feelings of sadness for the one we lost, we do not need help from the beverage and dessert industry.  Sadness just happens. Yet, it has become ingrained in all of us that when we are sad to just reach for a sweet cookie. The Minnesota State Fair is presently open and one of the more popular stands is the Sweet Martha's Chocolate Cookies. Most families will end their trip to the fair by bringing home a huge container of cookies.

I admit I have a very sweet tooth. I love the pies on free pie nights and the chocolate chip cookies from the local Rainbow store and I even love the diet soda's in the big cups from the Super America, but after I did some reading on the effects of sugar in our diets I decided to modify my diet to eliminate those sugars..

 The biggest change I noticed as I did this was the elimination of the lethargy I often felt after lunch, my moods were more stabilize,my thinking was more clearer, and I was able to arise in the morning no longer wishing I could sleep a couple more hours.

Don't get me wrong because I am not even remotely suggesting for more government regulation in this area, but only suggesting that we consider modifying our diets by reducing the amount of sugar and consuming water instead of the usual soft drinks and adult beverages.

As I look at Scripture I am struck how God uses water as a cleansing force in our lives. When Jesus was baptized by John the baptist he went under the water (the cleansing) and when he came up the holy spirit was upon him. To this day water continues to be both a cleansing and life giving ingredient we all need to survive .

Daily decisions to drink more water and reduce the sugar in our diets will likely lead to an easier time managing the sad feelings that are often present in our grief.

This week we said goodbye to a friend that kept us entertained on television and the big screen

Famous quote from Robin Williams: ""A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills. They’d make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while."

Grief impacts all of us from time to time.   As we heard of Robin Williams sudden passing I am sure most of us went to You tube and watched clips from his movies. It was a way for us to heal from his loss. 

When we lose a loved one it is normal to want to remember their life. It is why photo memory books are a million dollar business. We spend our life time putting together precious memories just so we can remember them when they are no longer with us.  

Robin Williams left his mark on our lives through his many depictions of characters from the early Mork and Mindy show, to Stephen Spielberg's  Peter Pan to Dead Poet's society to name just a few.  Robin also left his  mark on our children with many of his child friendly movies.

What we know about Robin is that he suffered greatly from severe depression. According to the World Health Organization there are approximately 121 million people in this world impacted by this condition with less than 25% of these people having access to adequate mental health care. As you can tell from those statistics that depression is an epidemic problem. . Yet, Depression is in some ways one of those taboo conditions that no one wants to talk about.

  Who can forget Senator Thomas Eagleton's battle with depression with shock treatments and how  all of his legislative accomplishments were overshadowed when he was removed as George McGovern's  running mate during the 1972 Presidential race?

The message to the general public became 'depression is a liability, so get over it and deal with it privately to avoid the ramifications of it in your career. Senator Thomas Eagleton was only one famous person with this condition. There are many more and I included this wikipedia link for those who want to take the time to read about them.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_people_with_major_depressive_disorder

  I personally know several close friends and family members who struggle with this condition. One individual I know was my grandfather, Levi Gabrielson.  Levi  suffered a nervous breakdown shortly after losing his wife, Cora not long after the birth of her youngest child. The grief associated with  losing his  young bride combined with world war 1 trauma made it impossible for him to raise his boys. Levi went into the St. Cloud Veteran's home while his two sons were cared by the parents of his beloved bride.  Two grieving parents of a daughter now dead caring for two young boy's.

I like to think we are more enlighten as a generation of people today, but I am not so sure. I look no further than in the weeks following our tragic loss back in 2007. It was in those weeks when the darkness of gloom fell over our home when few reached out to us   For whatever reason people have a hard time reaching out to bereaved people, especially when a lost of a child is involved.

Years later when my wife wanted to give one of Maria's stuff animals to a relative's new born she was rebuffed.   This new mom believed that accepting a stuff animal from a decease child  might bring bad luck to her own family.

  Let us not forget that some of the greatest works of art were created by those battling  depression. 

If we can learn anything about this big loss it is this:  it is OK to cry when bad things happen. It  is Ok to want to tell someone about your feelings and  your struggle with depression because there is no shame in having this disease.It is also OK to admit you need help on a chemical level to help you cope. As a man it is Ok to let your guard down and experience the emotions of loss.  Depression isn't any different than someone needing a hearing aid, artificial limb, or a wheelchair. 

If we can learn anything from this  tragedy it is that all of us are vulnerable to the effects of depression.  If it happens we ought to acknowledge it and then seek help from a trusted friend or professional.

  Thank you Robin for providing laughs for all of us and for leaving your mark on film so future generations can get to know you.

Saying goodbye

2 that their hearts may be encouraged, having been knit together in love, and attainingto all the wealth [a]that comes from the full assurance of understanding, resulting in atrue knowledge of God’s mystery, that is, Christ Himself Colossians 2:2

In just a few weeks families will be saying good-bye to their college bound children. Tears will be shed as a flood of memories come back at once.  We are doing that today as our son heads back early for leadership training.

My wife grew up in a small town in northwestern Minnesota in a family of 5. Families in this little town of Warren knew that one day the child they raised would be moving away for college in the big city. Simply, there were no opportunities for young people once they graduated.  Over the years I have witnessed, as a son-in-law, many tears as I watched my mother-in-law say good-bye to each of her grown children  at holiday conclusions.  In other households in this tiny town this ritual is repeated.

  It seems that as parents we discover how fleeting time really is as we watch our child grow up. Once a child begins 1st grade then it really is only 12 years before they graduate. For us as grown-ups 12 years goes by in a flash of lightning. No one knows this better than our military men and woman who go overseas for a period of time leaving behind their family. It is only when they return that they discovered the missed milestones of their children. Milestones that can never be replaced.

So it is for all of us.  The best thing any of us can hope for is to make the most of the opportunities we do have with our families. 

 One of our families favorite programs growing up was the Walton's. It was our Sunday evening ritual. For those who do know, the Walton's was about a depression era family and their struggles through hard times. It was a show that gave us hope that faith and family would help us get through those difficult times. 

If you are one of the families saying good-bye to your son or daughter go ahead and get that box of tissues out and shed some tears.  This is the moment you had been waiting for. Those 12 years of constantly sending them off to school has come to fruition. Your job has been completed. Mission accomplished.  Like my mother-in-law remember that each holiday conclusion you will be reaching up for that box of tissues and doing it all over again!

God has not abandoned you

John 14:26 New International Version (NIV)

26 But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.

Our family ventured out to the Hopkins movie theater to watch the recently released movie, X-men. For those who do not know it is a movie about mutants who all have a gene mutation that results in each of them possessing some superpower that most do not have. It is a movie that reflects on how society treats it's undesirables by forcing them to take undesirable jobs that no one else wants because they do not have the same opportunities for educational success.

For many of us who have traveled the road of grief it is easy to feel like a mutant. For those of us who have experienced the misfortune of losing a child life suddenly loses vitality as isolation begins to sweep in. Whereas your phone constantly rang off the hook before the loss, the phone often stays silent when friends who normally would call do not know how to respond to such a tragedy. 

When a grieving person goes into a grocery store and a friend sees them it is very common for that friend to avoid them by taking a different route simply because they do not know how to greet the person in grief. Grieving people are not fun people to hang with and their social calendars remain empty with the exception of obligatory appointments  and weekly meetings.

People in deep forlorn sorrow often maintain a sad outward expression that often contributes to their isolation. Like the mutants in X-Men we need the rest of society to understand that while we may seem different from most we are still humans and crave the human interaction as the rest. 

As Christians, we are called to walk with those in sorrow. We are required to walk along side those who are different from them. Life doesn't mean always being in the carnival of life. Sometimes we are called to do difficult things like hanging with those who grieve.

This is the thing that sets Christianity apart from the other religions of the world.  Whereas Yoga encourages people to put themselves into a self filled stress free state and to avoid those situations that bring up stress, Christianity by the example of our Savior, Jesus Christ, encourages us to carry the cross with those going through difficult times.

Whereas each of the mutants in the movie posses some super natural strength, those of us in Christ possess the Holy Spirit that gives us the ability to respond to grief in ways we never thought we could. God gives us the means to respond to those in distress.

There is good news to those who have experienced the loss of a child. You were awesome parents and no you are  not to blame for this loss.  We simply live in a fallen world where bad things do  happen.  Whereas the child you once had is immediately comforted by Jesus Christ and His angels in Heaven this same Jesus is standing at your side weeping with you over your misfortune.  As he walks with you through the weeks, months and years of seeming isolation he will bring people into your lives to minister and rebuild you.

When you finally come out of this long period of loneliness God will give you a supernatural talent, like the mutants in X-Men to help others just entering theirown grief. 

God hasn't abandoned you and the best thing we can do is to lean into our grief and trust God that he knows what he is doing with us.