Time passes, grief changes- tips on what to say to someone grieving the loss of a loved one.

Death is never an easy topic to talk about. We avoid talking about the loss of a loved one because for most of us we fear the possiblity that we will die someday. ( to be continued)

It is estimated that over 19 million American's suffer from a Hoard disorder which typically begins after the loss of a loved one when there energy is targeted into their grief

“The joy of giving versus the sadness and loneliness of hoarding. There is no greater joy than that of giving and sharing. It is liberating. We can, after all, not take anything with us when we die and leave this earth behind.” ― Paddick Van Zyl

A few decades ago when I decided to look for a starter home a realtor friend called to tell me he found one that might be good to look at. As I drove up to the 1950's rambler house I glanced at the front window noticing bags of stuff. Once the realtor arrived we entered the house whereupon I discovered plastic bags of stuff nearly touching the ceiling. I got two feet into the room when I said I was done looking and quickly exited the house. This was before I learned that 19 million American's suffer from a hoard disorder. Hoarding disorder is recognized by the American Psychiatric Association as a mental health condition. Hoarding is not the same as collecting. Collectors typically acquire possessions in an organized, intentional, and targeted fashion. Once acquired, the items are removed from normal usage, but are subject to being organizing, admired, and displayed to others. Acquisition of objects in people who hoard is largely impulsive, with little active planning, and triggered by the sight of an object that could be owned.

Objects acquired by people with hoarding lack a consistent theme, whereas those of collectors are narrowly focused on a particular topic. In contrast to the organization and display of possessions seen in collecting, disorganized clutter is a hallmark of hoarding disorder.

In most cases, hoarding behaviors begin after the loss of a loved one when bereaved individuals feel a sense of happiness when they go on shopping trips whether they go to a department store or purchased something they saw as a good deal at a thrift store or garage sale. These shopping behaviors are a way for people to avoid processing their inner pain following their loss. When this continues, the inner world of their home builds up with too much stuff that soon prevents them from safely navigating from room to room of their home. In the most extreme cases, their homes are filled with literally floor to ceiling stuff that creates a fire hazard and a den for rodents.

What is the solution, you ask? Facing and processing your deep seated emotions one feeling at a time is considered the best solution. It is also recognizing that there is no set time table to processing your inner pain and making a commitment to take as long as it takes. For the loss of a child it may take as much as 10 years before you see resolution to the loss.

From experience, I can tell you that you really cannot do this alone. When there is trauma with the loss, the person may need to seek the services of a caring Clinical Psychologist who can guide them through the process. For others, connecting with trusted listeners who are non judgemental, but who are willing to listen to their anguish for however long it takes until they find resolution is the way to go.

In both cases, it's important to get involve in a grief support group like Grief share where they can meet other individuals who are traveling a similar grief journey.

I firmly believe that faith plays a very important part in this grief recovery process. As I think about the intricate relationship of t he holy trinity- Father, Son and Holy Spirit, I'm reminded that God can be in two different places at the same time. He was with your loved one when he or she died and escorted to heaven. He is also walking with you as the bereaved person every step of the way helping your process those intense emotions we were never use to having.

Faith also plays a important role because it is our faith that assures that we will see our loved one again.

As you seek the help you need following your loss, chances are you will find less of a need to hoard and clutter up your personal spaces with things you really didn't need.

Refusing to process your pain will only lead you down a broken road. This Ted talk was created after years of research and work with people who suffered traumatic losses. This talk will highlight the importance of facing one's grief head on instead of trying to resolve our grief with shopping trips to accumulate unwanted stuff that only fills up the empty spaces of our homes and our hearts.