American's are not very good when it comes to grieving. We tend to run from our grief by burying ourselves in work so we do not have the time to think of it. If traumatic grief occurs we are more apt to sell our home and leave our communities where we have established friendships and move far away from the emotional triggers of grief. We're more apt to file divorce to get away from the emotional triggers than make a commitment to counseling to work through the grief.
We treat others who are grieving by attempting to get their minds off of their grief by telling a funny story or changing he subject. I heard the story from a friend who said that just a few days after their loss the school chaplain where their kids attended sent an e mail to all of the families asking them not to call them because all of their needs were being met by their church. This friend told the chaplain and the principal that this was not their wish and he didn't seem to understand why it was wrong to send that e mail. The sad reality was not one family had contacted them that summer to express their condolences to them. In essence, the actions on the part of the school chaplain at the time caused their family unintended harm as they were forced to grieve in isolation and at the same time the e mail prevented the families an opportunity for healing of their own grief.
When a family loses a loved one the last thing they need is complete silence. They need friends to rally around them and take turns to spend time with them. They need families to invite the surviving children over to their homes for a movie and pizza night where just for one night their children can experience fun in their lives. One family these friends spoke with said that they never called because they assumed based on the e mail that they didn't want any calls.
If there are any school chaplains out there I would encourage you to first consult with the families before you send any hastily worded e mails to the school families. Families who experience the loss of a child need to know that other families care and love them. Wishing the phones would ring and living a daily drudgery of stone dead silence only prolongs the painful grief process.
As Paul worked on the grand piano in his work shop he remembered the conversations he had with Matty, Maria, Joshua and Suzanne and how in their earthly lives a physical impairment prevented them from climbing the trees they were now climbing in heaven. He thought of his own earthly impairment which seem to take it's toll on his earthly body before it gave out the day of the deadly car crash when he felt this instant warm glow and the very presence of God's angels who brought him home to the equipment room where he was about to see first hand God's promise of making all things new again. On this day in heaven Paul decides to hang up his carpenter's tools and head down to the outdoor amphitheater where he would enjoy listening to praise music at the shore of the pristine and sparkling lake with smells that were free from milfoil he was so use to smelling on the lakes in Minnesota. As he headed for the area where the singing would take place he could hear the crisp sounds of the blue jays, robins and chickadees as though they were their own angelic choir. He watched as other little kids were playing and having the time of their lives and as he watched he wondered about each of their stories of what their life might have been like in their previous earthly existence. In the distance he could see Jesus milling around giving people hugs. Then Jesus saw Paul and walked toward him. When he came closer he could hear him. Jesus: " Paul, I got a prayer call from your wife and children. They were each asking for strength to help them through their weak moment and each of them asked me to give a hug to their daddy." Paul got his hug from Jesus. Paul: " How is my family doing? Jesus: " Paul, you do not have to worry for them. I have sent good and well grounded people into their lives to help them through this time. Your wife is involved in a support group of Christian's who lost spouses and she is finding a common bond with these people. Paul: " and my children?" Jesus: " I have covered each of your children with a protective shield at this time and once their mom has worked through her grief I will begin to help each of your children work through their grief." Paul: " Jesus, I can't wait to tell my earthly family all the new friends I have met here in heaven. Nor can I wait to show them the sheer beauty of this place. It is never a boring moment." Jesus:" Remember when you were down there I encouraged you to read the bible where you could learn God's story and how out of reading you came to know me as your personal savior?" Paul: " I sure do." Jesus: " and how I walked with you and helped you with some of the critical decisions of your life? and how you honored me by being my witness to all who needed to hear my story of salvation.?" Paul:" I do ." Jesus: " It is the same way now for your family and unsaved friends down there. I desire that God's word reach every person on earth because I do not want to see anyone to perish. Paul: " It is too bad we couldn't just televise real time images back to them and then they will know and believe." Jesus: " If it was that simple, but even without the doing the things you suggest I continue to be working in the lives of many men, woman and children who are every day bringing people to completely changed lives." Paul: " I believe." Jesus: " Paul, when you accepted me as your savior you began to experience the abundant life, I became your anchor to help stabilize you through the storms of that life. Those who accept me as their savior will also experience the abundant life and I will reveal to each of them how I will use them." Paul: " and when their time has come and they come home to this place they will equally and truly be amazed how all things are made new again". Jesus: " that's right Paul" Jesus continues walking and giving more hugs from loved ones on earth. As Paul continue walking he began to hear the crisp sounds of the children's choir and up on the stage he saw his new friends, Matty, Joshua, Maria and Suzanne all singing to the delight of those present. He took a seat on the grass and let the sounds of the choir and the beauty of this place soak in.
You might remember that Paul was killed when a speeding car crashed into his and Jesus sent his angels down to bring him home to heaven. Paul was then brought into Heaven's equipment room where Jesus exchanged his time worn earthly body with a brand new heavenly one. Paul had a chance to run and do things he never could do in his limited earthly body when he proudly announced that he "wasn't even tired". Paul then was brought into the Reception room of heaven where he was greeted by many people he once knew from his past that turned out to be people who had greatly encouraged him in spiritual journey on earth. Paul had a chance to see his child who died years earlier who gently reminded his dad that he really didn't have to worry about him because his new life in heaven has been so much fun. :Paul would then learn that his new job would be working as a carpenter which he never could do in his earthly existence and has quickly grasp the skills of his new occupation by creating grand pianos for those who love to play. On this day we find Paul looking out of his workshop at a landscape of beautiful flowers with shimmering colors he had never seen before on earth and looking at a small lake with water much more cleaner than anything he had ever seen where he came from and tall mighty oak, elm and birch trees with their leaves gently blowing in the wind. In one oak tree he noticed several kids playing in one and decided to set down his carpenter tool and walk over to talk with them. Paul: " Hi It looks all of you are having fun up there!" The kids look down to see who it was that was talking to them. One young girl was the first to speak up. Girl: "I am having so much fun being up here with my friends" Paul: : "When I was a kid I use to love climbing trees. Say, what are your names?" All the kids volunteered to say their name first before the girl that initially spoke put everything in order. Girl: " The boy up there is Matty and the one way up there is Joshua and the other girl way out on that limb is Suzanne" Paul: " And how bout your name?" Girl: " My name is Maria" Paul: " Can you kids tell me a little more about yourselves?" He paused to reflect on his words. " When I first came to heaven I was brought into this equipment room where Jesus gave me this brand new heavenly body." Matty: " I know that room. It was the same room I came into where I got this awesome body that allowed me to do the things I never could do on earth." Joshua: " Me too." Suzanne: " also me". Maria finally speaks up. " I never could climb trees before I got this brand new heavenly body. I remembered watching my brother and his friends climbing and having so much fun and wishing I could just once sit on a tree branch" Paul looked quizzically at each of the kids and wondered more about what their lives were like on earth before Jesus brought them home. Paul: " Matty can you tell me a little more about yourself about your life on earth?" Matty chirped up. " My parents told me that I was born with Spinal Bifida. I never did learn how to walk right and I was in this wheelchair designed for me." Paul: " Joshua, how about your life?" Joshua: " I was in a car accident when I was a kid and was in the hospital for many months until the doctor told my parents that I would never walk again. One night I remembered going to sleep and the next thing I knew Jesus and his angels were standing at my side. I came into the equipment room of heaven and Jesus gave me this body where I could climb trees, run, and do all the things I never could do in my accident prone body on earth." Paul: " and how bout you Maria?" Maria: " My mom and dad adopted me from Guatemala. When I was in my new home they noticed I wasn't walking as well as most kids my age and took me to see doctors. I was diagnosed with mild cerebral palsy and with my mom and dad's help I went to see a physical therapist every week. Then I had this surgery to help me walk better, but the first night I came home from the hospital I remembered going to sleep after my dad kissed me on the forehead and saying "see you in the morning". It seemed like only minutes later when I saw Jesus at my bedside. Next thing I knew I was brought into the equipment room where, like Joshua, Matty and Suzanne I was given this awesome heavenly body that allowed me to do many things I couldn't even do on earth." Paul: " Those are awesome stories!" He pauses before continuing, " Anyone want to race? I bet you can't beat me?" All the kids jump down and began running at full speed. Paul takes off in his own mad dash to beat the kids. Paul quickly learned that God had fulfilled his promise of making all things new again. Through Matty, Joshua, Suzanne and Maria he learned that life in these new heavenly bodies would not compared with the ones they had on earth. After saying so long to his new found friends Paul heads back to the carpenters workshop where he picked up his tool and continued to work on the grand piano that was beginning to look like one.
As you may recall we last left Paul after he had been out running in his new spiritual body before meeting at a reception in his honor where he got to see people from his past he hadn’t seen since they went to heaven. Paul decides to stop in to see Jesus before heading off to work. Jesus: “ Good to see you again, Paul” . Jesus gives Paul a hug. Paul: “ You know I cannot believe how much more beautiful heaven really is than what my mind imagined it to be!” Jesus: “However, as it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him" Paul: “ I know that verse Jesus! That is out of the new testament book I Corinthian’s 2-9! I remembered memorizing that verse in college!” Jesus: “ I remembered how much you loved being involved in the Campus Crusade for Christ ministry and having such a fervent desire within you to meet with your small group”. Paul: “ I remembered being blessed with Christians in my dorm who helped me find that ministry and how I wondered for a split second whether I had made the wrong choice for colleges”. Jesus: “ Little did you know Paul that I knew what you needed and when you needed it.” Paul: “ I know.” As he pondered to reflect on his earthly life,” how easy it was for me to forget about your presense,” Jesus: You didn’t know that it was by design that I placed you in that upper class dorm where your Christian neigbors would also be well respected football players.” Paul: “ I didn’t know” He pondered some more with his thougths. “ But you were right about all my questions being answered once I arrived in heaven.” Jesus: “ How do you like your new job here?” Paul: “ I love it! Being a carpenter was something I always wanted to be… I remembered my great granddad loved working with wood and my dad also enjoyed creating something out of wood.” Jesus: “ I bet you didn’t realized that heaven would be a place where would be working?” Paul: “ I hadn’t, but it makes sense. After all if we are spending eternity then there would have to be a need for people using their skills in performing productive things.” Jesus: I also bet you didn’t realize that the food in heaven would be so flavorful?" Paul: “ Jesus, that is the awesome part! First I am given this brand new Spiritual body where I can run and not get tired and then I get these incredible taste buds that allows me to taste the food like I had never tasted at any time on earth!! Jesus: “ I promised that this new place would be nothing that you had ever experienced on earth and that heaven would be a never boring place to be!” Paul: “ You are so right about that.” “ I suppose I should get back to the workshop.” Jesus: “ What are your hands creating today?” Paul: “ I am making grand piano for a person who loves to play.” Jesus: “ I can’t wait to hear how it sounds when you are done!” Paul: “ I can’t either and I am enjoying evey moment of my labor doing it!” Paul walks toward the exit.” Well, I will see you later Jesus!” Paul trots back to his work shop waving to Jesus behind him. That was a typical day in heaven and a typical day in the life of our friend Paul where every day in heaven is extraordinary and where the food is zestfully good and where people joyfully perform work.
"The heavens will declare the beauty of the Lord" Psalm 19
Recently, we spent the day with good friends of ours out at REI watching our son's climb the climbing wall and shopping for hiking boots in preparation for their trip out to Yosemite National Park next summer. As I watched them try on boot after boot trying to find the right pair for their trip I was reminded how this life we live in is like a journey and we need to have the right equipment to complete this journey.
I was also reminded how we have a God of second chances who could have completely given up on the human race, but He chose to make all things new again. God knows this life as we live it is going to be hard and difficult. He knows where there is sin there will be dysfunction, addictions, and mental illnesses. He knows there will be split second decisions that change the course of one's future. He understands all that which is why He reminds us that no matter what happens to us in this life He wants to be your journey Master to help guide to you the way you should go.
Sometimes it is easy to allow grief to completely overwhelm you and at times it will feel like you are alone in your misery, but you can be assured that just as you feel overwhelmed with feelings that are out of control His son, Jesus, is sitting there with you shedding His own tears of sorrow for the passing of your loved one.
He wants to remind you that while your loved one is in the very presence of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords and living a new life in a new heavenly body with no earthly illnesses He is there to be your journey Master to guide you through the fiery maze of grief and bring you out stronger and give you a more powerful testimony to point people to the cross of Salvation.
Are you prepared for the journey? Like our good friends who found the hiking boots they were looking for have you called upon Jesus who wants and desires to be your journey Master? He will be more than glad to guide your life once you invite Him to join you.
This was Marie Osmond's first interview after her son committed suicide just 8 months before the interview. This interview illustrates how grief can compound itself and cause a person to make irrational decisions leading to the act of suicide. Marie describes for example the death of her dad, her very public divorce and her son being unable to deal with the various losses because as Marie describes it her son loved his family and could not handle losing those he loved.
I encourage you to reach out to friends who may have experience a suicide of a loved one and let them know that you are there for them. I encourage you to watch this video because I believe it will illustrate what people go through when a family member decides to commit suicide.
If you have ever contemplated taking your life you must know that there are resources available for you in the community to help you recover from your pain. You are as close to getting help as a simple 9-1-1 call. After our daughter Maria died unexpectedly on June 10th, 2007 I made sure that my emotional needs were properly addressed when I started therapy with a Clinical Psychologist. I knew I could not fight this battle alone and I needed someone who I could talk to in order to process the shock and despair I was dealing with at the time. There is a light at the end of the tunnel of grief. It does get better, but you must stay committed to the course of recovery and endure painful nights and days full of sadness before you begin to turn the corner and begin feeling normal. The friends who walk this journey with you and the professionals who listen to your pain are there to help navigate you to the goal line of recovery. Then one day you will notice a faint smile return to your face as you remember your loved one.
Divorce, death of a parent, death of a sibling, break up of a relationship, suicide of a classmate, loss of a close family member, a parents loss of a career, uncertainty of what to pursue for a career all have the same common denominator which is grief.
Kids will often times not begin grieving for their loss until years later and often it doesn't begin until they transition to a new phase of their life which is going away to college. Colleges do a great job high lighting their many amenities such as having a all you can eat food service, a beautiful new campus library, to having extracurricular activities, but no where in do I find mentioned having grief support groups, or individuals who are gifted at listening to young people talk about their grief struggles. Why? Could it be that we misconstrue grief recovery with moving on and burying our grief? After all, isn't that wh.at good American's should do?In one local community I read first hand how powerful grief can be on our young people. In the Hastings newspaper I read, 'The trauma for Hastings High School and the community began in early September with the death of 16-year-old Maddy Sake in a car crash.
A month later, a 17-year-old boy she had dated hanged himself. The anxiety level increased when, on the day of the boy's funeral, a second student hanged himself. A day after that death, a well-known 19-year-old former Hastings student was found dead in his dorm room at the University of Wisconsin in Madison. Less than a week later, police said, a 46-year-old woman hanged herself in her home.The cluster of deaths so close together had police, educators and mental health experts worried that the situation was on the verge of becoming a suicide "contagion.' Now you tell me if that isn't a powerful reminder regarding whether grief is real and needs to be handled better by our institutions?
The harsh reminder to all of us is that just because we may have a strong Christian faith and a Calvinistic view of life (God chose to take the person) does not exclude us from grieving. There is no correlation between growing strong in the Lord and being able to bury our grief. Storms do come and when they come it should be our responsibility as parents to make sure our young people are reminded that just because you cry or admit you have been struggling from your loss does not make you weak minded. On the contrary, being able to use all of your emotions and confessing to others your struggles makes you a well rounded person.
Finally, it really isn't until we get half way through the storm of grief when we find out that Jesus is the master of our grief.because He understands what exactly we are going through with it. He understands what it is like to be rejected, spat at, have nails driven into his hands and feet and to cry out in pain like there is no tomorrow. If you are grieving do not try to bury and forget your grief. Instead, lean in to your grief and be willing to tell someone how you are hurting.
While writing this blog I discovered an organization that has the mission of helping college students grieve. The website is/ www.studentsofamf.org I encourage you to go this website and read some of the testimonials and then make sure the college your son or daughter is attending becomes aware of this organization. Becoming a man or woman of God doesn't mean that we have to bury and forever forget our grief because if we do our grief will merely wait for us and will compound as we grief other losses. Tell someone when you are hurting.You will be glad you did. I know I did when our family loss our 10 year old daughter Maria through unforeseen circumstances in June 2007.
Psalm 107:1 "Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever." (NIV)
In just a few short hours there will be busyness in homes across America as families get ready to welcome home son's and daughter's, their families and friends to celebrate the day of thanksgiving. As I pondered this question above I couldn't think of anything to write until now. Thanksgiving is a day where all of us can be thankful for the sacrifices our ancestors took just to come to the shores of this new land. I pictured families meeting in their old countries around a stone fireplace talking about everyone's initial impressions of leaving home permanently and coming to this place. I wondered if there were mother's who cried at the thought of leaving their friends, their customs and their homes they spent months making it into a home just to go to this new country they knew nothing about to try their hand at something they wondered would succeed. I pictured the children packing their things into the luggage crates and as they packed they cried knowing they would probably never see their friend again. I pictured little girls hugging their friend while saying goodbye and giving their friend something to remember them by when they leave. I pictured the excitement when they boarded the steamer ship and the sorrow as their homeland slowly disappeared as the ship moved away from it's shore. We didn't have the instant communications like we do now and just to hear anything from their homeland often took months and even years to get a response. There was a lot of love that went into writing a letter on parchment which is an art form slowly becoming a lost format today because of instant communication. No sooner had they unpacked and moved into settlements known as little Sweden, little Italy, little Germany did our ancestors begin wondering if they made the right decision. The industrial age assured the need for worker's from these countries and to many of our ancestors the decision to move had solidified once paychecks came in and they could buy a home of their own. Our ancestors discovered that this new land was in deed a land of milk and honey. It was a land where if you had a dream and you had the will anyone could become a success. They discovered that this new land quickly had some of the greatest higher learning institutions in all the world. Sure, other countries could boast having higher math and science scores on their aptitude tests, but only in america can a young person find a way of becoming educated even if he could not get into the college ranks because of his failure to master the achievement tests. In most other countries young people were separated from their friends when they could not master those tests. I am thankful for having a system in place to help educate young people with special needs and through this system they are reminded that they too can be a success even with a disability. I am thankful that America is a land of second chances, With just a little extra help many of them were able to get into good trades and college careers. Only in this new land do we value everyone regardless of race, sex, creed, or disability. Each life is important and each life has value. I am thankful for our form of participatory government where everyone has a voice to express themselves to those who represent them. We may get angry, have bar fights with those who do not agree with our vote, but when the election is done we come together as one nation and we support those in power as a show of force to the rest of the world that America is the greatest nation built on the hard labor and the sweat of many ancestors who left home so future generations could have a better life. So as you sit down this Thanksgiving holiday and as the turkey get's carved say a word of thanks for the ones sitting around that table and for the blessings they have meant to you this past year. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2 He was in the beginning with God. 3 All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made. 4 In him was life,[a] and the life was the light of men.5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
My son said to me one time that when his sister died it felt as though he had lost several years of childhood innocence. For all of us it seems that life went from having fun and finding ways to enjoy our family to daily getting dressed in our battle fatigues and running through a maze of barb wire, booby traps and enemy fire. It was as though just to survive we had to evaluate every situation that came up ahead of us before responding with the corresponding appropriate reaction.
Life goes from trying to have a Disney experience for your children to getting your surviving children across the finish line. A friend of ours drew an illustration shortly after Maria died showing me as the father carrying my 12 year old son on my back with my wife in tow behind me moving forward in a crouch position one step at a time. Behind my wife in this illustration was Jesus Christ who looked like he could see the entire horizon in front of us.Through this illustration he pointed out that Jesus was leading the way for my family to survive the tragedy.
Our surviving children need to see us grieve and they need us to be able to talk openly about our loss just so they can have a model of perspective to fall back on when they begin their grief. Remember, children have a delayed grief and really do not begin grieving until their parents have finished the hardest part of their own grief.
Our surviving children need to see parental commitment with each other and with them. They need to see parents showing affection toward each other much like they saw before their sibling died. Parental commitment becomes their sense of security in a world where security is so hard to find.
Surviving children get enjoyment out of maintaining the rituals of life even in the aftermath of sibling loss. Which is why it is so important to continue going to the same restaurant your family enjoyed before the loss, continue to take vacations just as you had before the loss, attend the same church and being around the same circle of friends who knew your family before the loss. They need grown ups to be there for them at the special times in their lives.
As parents we can't expect to heal our child's pain and magically wish that pain away like a Disney magician. Just as God walked the gauntlet with you as parents He will also walk with each of your surviving children in ways you cannot even imagine. Your job, as parents, is to be there for them and give them hugs and listen to them as they go through their moments of grief. In time your children will come out stronger and better equipped to handle life's future problems for they will know that just as Jesus walked with them in their grief Jesus will be there for them as future struggles come their way.
When I originally saw this movie I remember thinking I could not relate what happened to this family. Only when our little girl died did I begin to see it it's relevance. Grief is such a powerful emotion that unless we honestly decide to process our grief little will we realize that our entire perspective in the way we handle life and the people in our lives will change. I have included the movie trailer of this film to give you some perspective of the way each member of this family is handling their grief.
I have a unique perspective as a professional counselor to see the similarities in the stories people share with me on how grief had effected each and everyone of them through the halls of time. As you will notice from this scene from Ordinary people each of the members of this family are handling their grief in very different ways. The father is very open to seeing therapists to help him process the unthinkable tragedy of losing his oldest son. He encourages his surviving younger son to do the same. The mom in this story chooses to move on in her grief by simply suggesting that they take more vacations because all they really need is to have fun.
Conrad is becoming more isolated from his family and while his dad is choosing to process his grief he is choosing to hide his grief from those around him.
Here lies the crux of the problem. A person who doesn't process their grief from a tragedy goes into a high alert, man your battle stations mode. Their adrenaline is constantly pumping as they go about their daily activities. Like a soldier at a guard post they are on high alert trying to stay ahead of all situations. While they may think it is a healthy way of responding to people, events it really serves as a defense mechanism that in the end keeps people at a distance.
Unresolved grief causes a person to want to build a wall around themselves thinking the wall will protect them from further hurts and pain. Just as Conrad chose to retreat to his bedroom at a early hour those who who choose to avoid grieving a loss will isolate themselves and avoid pleasurable activities such as being with friends or doing the things they love to do. They will begin to come up with convenient excuses such as "I don't feel like going to that movie" or " I am just not in the mood to have a good time". If friends are pushed away too often those friends will stop inviting the person to activities and events.
As human beings we were meant to be in thriving and healthy relationships with other people, I reminded my son that school is not only a place to excel and to learn how to learn, but it is also a place to practice your friendship and relationship skills. I reminded him how important it is to open up with people about his loss and not let the pain and the traumatic images to fester inside himself to the point where it robs him of the joys of living.
I was reminded about something I read years ago about how parents will actually finish their grief work at about the time that their surviving children begin their grief work. I don't think this was by accident because when God designed the family he designed it in such a way that he wanted the parents to be strong enough so they could help their children. I remember on a recent airplane trip reading the colorful brochure that describes first placing the oxygen mask over your nose and THEN placing the mask on your child. This makes total sense knowing how impossible if would be to save your child if you passed out from lack of oxygen.
My son asked me how I ever got through my grief after losing Maria. I told him that for many months it was extremely painful and at times I would question whether I would reach recovery. I also told him that I knew I needed to see a Psychologist to help me get through the trauma of my loss. I reminded him how I was able to find good listeners who were not afraid to hear me tell 'the story' even it was over and over and over again. I encouraged him to do things with his friends even when he didn't feel like doing so. Sometimes working through the grief process is simply learning to put one foot in front of the other and moving forward until it begins to feel natural again.
Please take a few moments to watch this clip from Ordinary people because I think it will give you a snapshot of the impact that traumatic grief can have on families.
I do want to point out that one's faith in God can dramatically reduce the impact of grief, but having a strong faith doesn't necessarily mean the painful grief will be short lived.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.Hebrews 12:1 There is absolutely no coorelation between one's ability to recite the proper order of the Kubler-Ross stages of grief and your recovery from grief. At the same time there is no coorelation between one's level of Spiritual maturity and grief recovery. While most of us would rather think of grief as a nice easy process of simply filing away the emotions and never returning to that file again it is on the contrary messy, messy and messy.
Recovering from grief is akin to playing a game of paint ball. There is a reason they recommend that you wear a protective clothing ovet you because when you play paint ball you never know where on your body those paint ball pellets will land. When they do those pellets make a mess that is unavoidable to miss. That is what grief should feel like and that is the goal that every one should have when running a marathon with those who grieve.
In a book entitled 'Healing the wounds: A Physician looks at His work Dr. David Hilfiker, M.D, shares his experiences of dealing with the perfectionism that is so often ingrained in those who pursue the medical professions and their inability to process their own grief when one of their patients dies. He shares about the code of silence that permeates through out the subculture of medicine and the high incidence of alcoholism, divorce and suicide of many of it's members. Somehow, we have to get over this notion that recovery from grief is simply stuffing all of your awful emotions into a bottle and placing a cork in it
I remember becoming Facebook friends with a friend of my wife and learning through Facebook that her husband, a gifted small town surgeon, committed suicide. In light with what Dr. Hilfiker writes I understand now why this would even be a consideration for a surgeon who experiences death and is told to just tough it up. Dr. Hilfiker went on to say that when there are obvious medical errors that causes a death of a patient doctors are told to not admit those errors with the family. Instead of recovery and healing doctors must keep their grief inside and choosing instead to drown those sorrows with alcohol, extra-marital affairs, and worst suicide.
If we are to truly recover from our grief we must get over this notion that grief is a simple emotion ready to be filed away because it is not. Grief, instead, is akin to putting on your most comfortable running shoes, doing your stretches and training for a marathon. Grief recovery works best when you accept the reality that it will take time to recover from grief and like playing a game of paint ball you should expect those pellets to splash just about anywhere.
There is good news out of your grief. God will not waste your sorrow. God has a plan to use your pain and your sorrow to help others. Some say that an artist greatest works in life come out of their personal grief. A musician composes some of his beautiful works while recovering from grief. An artist creates some of his best works out of grief. A man of sorrow will one day be used by God to help others to understand and affirm others entering the forlorn desert of grief. So go ahead. Put on your best pair of running shoes and run the race set before you because at the end will be the prize of coming out of grief a stronger man or woman of God.
37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ 40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’
After work one day I decided to stop off at the local Cub store to pick up some groceries for my trip home. As I was checking out I glanced two isles over and saw a poorly groomed, disheveled man who looked like he hadn't showered in days paying for his few items with what little he had. Behind him were a well dressed couple with a full cart of food with obvious looks of disdain on their faces as though they wanted to tell this man to just go out and get a job instead of relying on handouts.
Every day in my government job of helping disabled people get back on their feet I hear tales of woe of how successful they were until the onset of disability and loss of their income severely tested their ability to survive.
Homelessness can happen to anybody at anytime anywhere. Homelessness crosses all economic lines. The poorly dressed person in front of you in line may at one time been an accountant for a large bank before short term memory loss no longer enable him to do his job.
One day the HR person calls him in and gives him his walking papers because he no longer could do his job. He clears his desk out and walks out under security escort extremely devastated. Instead of driving home he drives around town until it is ready to go home not knowing how his family would take his job loss. Every morning he has the same routine which is to get dressed and go through the motion of going to work, but instead of his job he heads to the unemployment office to look for work. He does this in hopes that maybe he would find another job before his family can feel the pain of his joblessness. After he receives his final paycheck and the bills keep coming panic begins to set in.
One day he decides to humble himself and go down to the local food shelf and the economic assistance program office to sign up for job training and food stamps. The bills keep coming and threatening letters to foreclosed begin to drift in. The man's wife decides that she has had enough and takes the kids and moves back home with her parents.
Then the day arrives when he comes home only to find a official looking letter on his front door with a different lock that now prevents him from entering his home. Being unable to sleep in his warm bed he is now forced to drive around looking for a place to sleep. Some nights he is lucky when he finds a warm room, but other nights he is forced to pull into a empty parking lot to try to stay warm while trying to sleep. He keeps reminding himself that maybe tomorrow will be a better day and this nightmarish situation will end.
One day this man with his county issued economic assistance goes into the cub grocery store and gets the food he needs to survive before entering the check out line. As he places his food on the conveyor belt he notices the disgusted looks on the faces of the couple behind him wondering if he truly needed those food stamps, or if was just faking it.
Thanksgiving is right around the corner and it is a time for all of us to give thanks for the many blessings of the past year, but those those like the man in this story need more than your disdain looks.
If you have been fortunate to have a home, a job and a loving family won't you take the time to give back by donating your time at your local food shelf, or help a homeless man get back on their feet? This is after all the essence of Christianity.
Saturday evening my wife and I had tickets to see a school play. The title of the play was the Crucible by Arthur Miller. The kids acting in this play did an extraordinary job with their parts which left the audience hanging onto the seats and waiting for every line. In this play were several girls that were in our daughter's class. Many of these girls were invited to our daughter's birthday parties. Each of these girl's fought their own grief when Maria's life was suddenly taken away and they no longer had their friend and organizer of their final class party just before school let out in 2007.
Life has a way of playing dirty tricks on us. You think you will experience another year with your child and then unforeseen events occur that ends his or her life. You expect to live a long and prosperous life with spouse before you experience his sudden loss. Just when you want to just curse God and die God brings miraculous events into your life to show how much he loves you and desires to show you the way out of your grief.
I have discovered in my grief journey that God is a master at helping us out of our grief. He does so by reminding us that Heaven is a very real place and when our loved one dies He brings them home when all things are made new and where there is no more sorrow, pain, or disability.
As my wife and I sat in the audience watching these kids perform we were especially touched by the performances of Ashley and Jillien two of Maria's friends. While we no longer are able to experience life with our daughter we were able to experience her friends lives while at the same time believing that our daughter is acting in all sorts of productions in heaven. Thank you Ashley and Jillien for being our daughter's friends while she was with us.
Grief is very hard to handle, but as we travel through it's healing process we are reminded that those who are left behind are here to support each other until the day God calls you home.
I have been an election judge for over 20 years and I have enjoyed my experiences of overseeing the election process. It brings a smile to my face every time a new first time voter comes to the polls to cast their ballot.
It is often considered the rite of passage into adulthood for many high school seniors who were fortunate to turn 18 just before the election. I remember my son coming home from voting and telling me how the election judge referred to him as Mr. Gabrielson and him thinking that my dad isn't here and who is this Mr. Gabrielson? My son said he took great pains over looking through the entire ballot and noticing all of the details on the ballot. The course he took in AP American history helped prepared him for this civic duty.
I wish I could say that the people in the precinct I worked at had the same attitude, but they didn't. As judges we have to certify the election by going through every ballot where the voter wrote in a candidate instead of selecting the candidate on the ballot.
Examining some of the ballots I noticed that on several of them they only voted for the constitutional amendments while leaving the rest ballot blank. Many voters came to us when there ballot was rejected and when I glanced at their ballot I noticed they had blackened in the ovals of every candidate. Really? You voted for ALL of the presidential candidates? I had one lady ask if she really had to vote for the candidates she didn't know? Really? So you take voting so lightly that you haven't taken the time to become informed before coming to the polls?
Ladies and gentlemen, don't you realize that there were men and woman who died on foreign soil just so you could have the right to vote? To take your civic duty so lightly is akin to spitting on the graves of these men and woman who fought for your right to vote.
Voter apathy is at all time high with the recent numbers that showed the 2012 election had the lowest turnout not since the 2004 election. Have we become such a pleasure seeking society that we cannot even take a moment to read about the people who are running? All it takes is to go down to your County courthouse and request information on the candidates.
Apathy is so high that we cannot even get people to serve as election judges! This was quite evident at this year's general election where every polling place was grossly understaffed! How is it possible to maintain the integrity of the election process if people cannot be found to monitor the process? In two years we will have another election. Won't you consider giving your time so the integrity of the election process can be maintained?
Praise the LORD. Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever. Psalm 106:1
I have the greatest family a man could ever ask for and to think that God knew in his mind who would be my wife and and my son is absolutely incredible. Five years ago when our family was tossed into the sea bellows of grief God came along side our family and lovingly helped us through the biggest storm of our lives. Today, I can honestly say that each of us have come out stronger than the day we first went in!
I am so proud of my son, who is now a senior, for his spiritual maturity. He is a quiet leader. I remember going to my knees many times asking God to help my son get through his grief because I knew that the loss of his sister was a pivotal moment that sends a lot of people running from God, not to Him. God was faithful and sent many believer's to help guide his course.
I am especially proud of my wife who continues to be the woman of strength and my soul mate. It wasn't easy to lose a daughter and to be thankful that we had each other when in the beginning of the loss seeing each other was a reminder that our daughter was gone. Yet, we made a conscious decision that as we grieve in very separate ways that we would put one foot in front of the other and obediently worship the Lord on the Sabbath together. The past couple of years I have smiled as I watched my wife as she sings with the church choir and thinking that God really does make all things new again.
If you are in a marriage where it is hard to love your spouse I encourage you to trust God to help restore your relationship. When he brought the two of you together in the beginning it wasn't by accident. He knew what he was doing. Each day make a conscious effort, like we did, to put one foot in front of the other and keep on honoring the Lord on the Sabbath as a couple and in time you just may have a hint of a smile as you watch your spouse ministering and using their talents.
Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another--and all the more as you see the Day approaching Hebrews 10:25 NIV
I was reminded tonight how grief had changed our family with the loss of our daughter and sibling to our son. It seems that the things the world tells us to value are no longer important. My son said to me that he would much rather do things with his friends where he has opportunities to talk than to sit in a movie theater mindlessly looking on the action on the screen. How astounding coming from a teenager! Yet, the loss of his sister taught him the importance of relationships because he has learned through his personal loss to never take life for granted. Such profound wisdom for a young guy just starting off in life.
I must admit I am the same way. After our devastating loss I am less likely to want to park myself on the couch and spend 3 hours on a Sunday afternoon watching our beloved Minnesota Vikings play. Maybe it would help if we had a winning football team? Regardless, I learned in my loss that the relationships with my family and the relationships with my friends are more important to me than driving brand new car, getting a large screen LED, or sitting in a movie theater for that matter.
Which is why I was reminded of the bible verse from Hebrews where we are encouraged to not forsake meeting together, but that we are to encourage one another and all the more as we see the day approaching. I am positive that when Hebrews was written the people in the church suffered losses much like we suffer loss. I am also sure that when loss occurred some of them would give up assembling together because they did not 'feel' like assembling together.
I remember the first Sunday after our family lost Maria my 12 year old son sitting on the edge of his bed looking up at me and asking me if we had to go to church this morning. I remember telling him that we had a choice. We could all stay home because I know mom doesn't feel like much going and I know I do not feel like much going and if we did that we would likely not experience the kind words from our friends at church. I told my son that there will be other moments in his life where he simply isn't going to feel like going to church and assembling together with friends, but when we are hurting the most important thing we can do as believers is to put one foot in front of the other and keep on going. My son never complained about wanting to stay home from that point on. What he learned was blessings do come when we honor God by assembling together on the Sabbath
Coming out of the fog of grief makes us stronger. It also reshapes our thinking from a 'he who dies with the most toys wins' to 'people are more important mentality. So go ahead and enjoy your assembling together this morning and count the number of times a blessing flows to you in the encouraging words of friends.
But he answered, “It is written, “‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”
Ever get a song stuck in your head when you are trying to sleep? I did. Since I made a conscious decision to limit my intake of carbohydrates I have been feeling better and more energized than the day before I started it. My shirts are fitting better and I am starting to feel sooooo good. When I saw this video spoof of James Brown singing the song that made him famous I knew I had to post on this blog.
A lot of people who grieve will gravitate to the comfort foods because they help them feeling good. I know I did! They taste great while going down, but the problem is I wanted more of that high fat, high calorie stuff. For me this high calorie comfort food would not burn off and I would gain weight during the grieving process. This is in some way a natural reaction to the sudden losses we see in our lives. A good friend dies and we go out and buy a dozen cookies to help us feel good when over whelming grief envelops us.
As I look back I remember the words that the police chaplain gave our family the night Maria died. "Make sure you drink lots of water because the natural inclination we have in our times of grief is to forsake the life giving forces of water. This may sound like a funny statement, but Pastor Jason was right. We have an obligation to take care of our bodies while we grieve.
I think it is important to add here that not everyone should be on a low carbohydrate regimen and if you have any health issues at all you might want to see your doctor first before starting any diet regimen. The bottom line is we need to take care of ourselves during the grief process. The journey of our love one may have ended, but our journey continues and we have a lot of people depending on us to want to let them down.
The following is a true story of the faith of a small poor girl who experience the a children's Sunday school class with the help of a pastor.
A little girl stood near a small church from which she had been turned away because it was 'too crowded.' I can't go to Sunday School,' she sobbed to the pastor as he walked by.
Seeing her shabby, unkempt appearance, the pastor guessed the reason and, taking her by the hand, took her inside and found a place for her in the Sunday school class. The child was so happy that they found room for her, and she went to bed that night thinking of the children who have no place to worship Jesus.
Some two years later, this child lay dead in one of the poor tenement buildings. Her parents called for the kindhearted pastor who had befriended their daughter to handle the final arrangements.
As her poor little body was being moved, a worn and crumpled red purse was found which seemed to have been rummaged from some trash dump.
Inside was found 57 cents and a note, scribbled in childish handwriting, which read: 'This is to help build the little church bigger so more children can go to Sunday School.' For two years she had saved for this offering of love.
When the pastor tearfully read that note, he knew instantly what he would do. Carrying this note and the cracked, red pocketbook to the pulpit, he told the story of her unselfish love and devotion.
He challenged his deacons to get busy and raise enough money for the larger building. But the story does not end there.... A newspaper learned of the story and published It. It was read by a wealthy realtor who offered them a parcel of land worth many thousands. When told that the church could not pay so much, he offered to sell it to the little church for 57 cents.
Church members made large donations. Checks came from far and wide. Within five years the little girl's gift had increased to $250,000.00--a huge sum for that time (near the turn of the century). Her unselfish love had paid large dividends.
When you are in the city of Philadelphia , look up Temple Baptist Church, with a seating capacity of 3,300. And be sure to visit Temple University , where thousands of students are educated.
Have a look, too, at the Good Samaritan Hospital and at a Sunday School building which houses hundreds of beautiful children, built so that no child in the area will ever need to be left outside during Sunday school time..
In one of the rooms of this building may be seen the picture of the sweet face of the little girl whose 57 cents, so sacrificially saved, made such remarkable history. Alongside of it is a portrait of her kind pastor, Dr. Russell H. Conwell, author of the book, 'Acres of Diamonds'.
This is a true story, which goes to show WHAT GOD CAN DO WITH 57 CENTS.
