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Saturday, November 17, 2012

Lessons about importance of working on grief from the movie Ordinary People

 

When I originally saw this movie I remember thinking I could not relate what happened to this family. Only when our little girl died did I begin to see it it's relevance.  Grief is such a powerful emotion that unless we honestly decide to process our grief little will we realize that our entire perspective in the way we handle life and the people in our lives will change. I have included the movie trailer of this film to give you some perspective of the way each member of this family is handling their grief.

I have a unique perspective as a professional counselor to see the similarities in the stories people share with me on how grief had effected each and everyone of them through the halls of time. As you will notice from this scene from Ordinary people each of the members of this family are handling their grief in very different ways. The father is very open to seeing therapists to help him process the unthinkable tragedy of losing his oldest son.  He encourages his surviving younger son to do the same. The mom in this story chooses to move on in her grief by simply suggesting that they take more vacations because all they really need is to have fun.

Conrad is  becoming more isolated from his family and while his dad is choosing to process his grief  he is choosing to hide his grief from those around him.

Here lies the crux of the problem.  A person who doesn't process their grief from a tragedy goes into a high alert, man your battle stations mode. Their adrenaline is constantly pumping as they go about their daily activities.  Like a soldier at a guard post they are on high alert trying to stay ahead of all situations. While they may think it is a healthy way of responding to people, events it really serves as a defense mechanism that in the end keeps people at a distance. 

Unresolved grief causes a person to want to build a wall around themselves thinking the wall will protect them from further hurts and pain. Just as Conrad chose to retreat to his bedroom at a early hour those who who choose to avoid grieving a loss will isolate themselves and avoid pleasurable activities such as being with friends or doing the things they love to do. They will begin to come up with convenient excuses such as "I don't feel like going to that movie" or " I am just not in the mood to have a good time". If friends are pushed away too often those friends will stop inviting the person to activities and events.

As human beings we were meant to be in thriving and healthy relationships with other people,  I reminded my son that school is not only a place to excel and to learn how to learn, but it is also a place to practice your friendship and relationship skills.  I reminded him how important it is to open up with people about his loss and not let the pain and the traumatic images to fester inside himself to the point where it robs him of the joys of living.

I was reminded about something I read years ago about how parents will actually finish their grief work at about the time that their surviving children begin their grief work.  I don't think this was by accident because when God designed the family he designed it in such a way that he wanted the parents to be strong enough so they could help their children. I remember on a recent airplane trip reading the colorful brochure that describes first placing the oxygen mask over your nose and THEN placing the mask on your child.  This makes total sense knowing how impossible if would be to save your child if you passed out from lack of oxygen.

My son asked me how I ever got through my grief after losing Maria.  I told him that for many months it was extremely painful and at times I would question whether I would reach recovery.  I also told  him that I knew I needed to see a Psychologist  to help me get through the trauma of my loss. I  reminded him how I was able to find  good listeners who were not afraid to hear me tell 'the story' even it was over and over and over again. I encouraged him to do things with his friends even when he didn't feel like doing so. Sometimes working through the grief process is simply learning to put one foot in front of the other and moving forward until it begins to feel natural again. 

Please take a few moments to watch this clip from Ordinary people because I think it will give you a snapshot of the impact that traumatic grief can have on families.

I do  want to point out that one's faith in God can dramatically reduce the impact of grief, but having a strong faith doesn't necessarily mean  the painful grief will be short lived.  

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