Lost innocence in the aftermath of losing a sibling

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2 He was in the beginning with God. 3 All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made. 4 In him was life,[a] and the life was the light of men.5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

My son said to me one time that when his sister died it felt as though he had lost several years of childhood innocence. For all of us it seems that life went from having fun and finding ways to enjoy our family to daily getting dressed in our battle fatigues and running through a maze of barb wire, booby traps and enemy fire. It was as though just to survive we had to evaluate every situation that came up ahead of us before responding with the corresponding appropriate reaction.

Life goes from trying to have a Disney experience for your children to getting your surviving children across the finish line.   A friend of ours drew an illustration shortly after Maria died showing me as the father carrying my 12 year old son on my back with my wife in tow behind me moving forward in a crouch position one step at a time. Behind my wife in this illustration was Jesus Christ who looked like he could see the entire horizon in front of us.Through this illustration he pointed out that Jesus was leading the way for my family to survive the tragedy.

Our surviving children need to see us grieve and they need us to be able to talk openly about our loss just so they can have a model of perspective to fall back on when  they begin their grief.  Remember, children have a delayed grief and really do not begin grieving until their parents have finished the hardest part of their own grief.

Our surviving children need to see parental commitment with each other and with them. They need to see parents showing affection toward each other much like they saw before their sibling died. Parental commitment becomes their sense of security in a world where security is so hard to find.  

Surviving children get enjoyment out of maintaining the rituals of life even in the aftermath of sibling loss.  Which is why it is so important to continue going to the same restaurant your family enjoyed before the loss, continue to take vacations just as you had before the loss, attend the same church and being around the same circle of friends who knew your family before the loss.  They need grown ups to be there for them at the special times in their lives.

As parents we can't expect to heal our child's pain and magically wish that pain away like a Disney magician. Just as God walked the gauntlet with you as parents He will also walk with each of your surviving children in ways you cannot even imagine.  Your job, as parents, is to be there for them and give them hugs and listen to them as they go through their moments of grief. In time your children will come out stronger and better equipped to handle life's future problems for they will know that just as Jesus walked with them in their grief Jesus will be there for them as future struggles come their way.