for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. 1 John 5:4
In Christ we have victory. Because of Christ inside of us we have a Savior to guide us through all of the hardships of life. No longer are we to be prisoners in our own prison cells waiting for someone to take the shackles off of us. Christ paid the ultimate penalty when he took the blows that were intended for us. He paid the price for our sinful nature and He conquered death and paved a way for each of us to experience an eternity in heaven.
No longer are we called to walk alone. God wants to be our hands and feet and He wants us to serve him all the days of our lives. In Christ we are victorious. This is a very powerful video that does a great job dramatically explaining the gospel.
Then Jesus called together the Twelve [apostles] and gave them power and authority over all demons, and to cure diseases, Luke 9
I find it amusing how we make light of the power of darkness. We think our kids deserve to have the Halloween trick or treating experience and so we take them door to door and allow them to beg for a treat. Some of us remember receiving as kids a gift and when we unwrapped it we find a Ouija board, Kids in some families would play the game by placing their fingers lightly on the pointer and are amazed as it spells out the name of a deceased family member. We make light of darkness by watching scary movies and when those movies are done we are scared out of our wits for hours. What we may not realize is how these satanic rituals can negatively effect us in the long run.
I thank God for making my son the way he was made because he has always had a sensitive spirit inside him. For example, when he was younger he often could not watch certain scenes in Disney movies because these scenes would have a dark side in them that would terrify him and quite frankly, they terrified me as well.
We make light of Harry Potter because in our minds we tell ourselves that Harry Potter has helped our kids to read more and therefore he is good, but we do not realize the damage that long term exposure to the Harry Potter books can have on our kids until years later. The real danger in reading these books is what it leads to with our children which is allowing it to be part of their childhood experience. What I mean is that these books lead to parents allowing their children to decorate their bedrooms in Harry Potter attire from hogswart bedspread, to posters of their favorite Potter character to having a personalized signed copy of their induction into the Hogswart school. I remember, for example, how families would allow their kids to become dressed in their favorite Potter character when the latest Potter movie came out. People make light of the dangers of Satanic activity, but as this video demonstrates it is very real and dangerous to the soul.
We each have a God shaped vacuum where God desires us to fill it with a relationship with Him and when we do not fill it with positive things that vacuum becomes filled with the filth and evil things of this world..
Being married to a Librarian I am constantly reminded that there are good Christian literature that would accomplish the same goals as the Harry Potter books and at the same time our kids would not be drawn into the dark side like those who read the Potter series. While many were immersing themselves in this series our family chose to read the wonderfully delightful Narnia books written by C.S.Lewis. This series of books helped our kids to see the goodness of God and how God has power over all of the principalities of darkness as described in Ephesians 6.
Instead of dwelling on things that glorify Satan we must dwell on our personal relationship with Jesus Christ who has won the victory over darkness.
We must constantly be reminded that Jesus has power and authority over all demons. The man you are about to hear is a living testimony of how dangerous the occult is in our culture. If you are someone who has dabbled in the occult I would encourage you today to say the prayer at the end of the above video that will help you to denounced Satan's powers. I have included this Michael W. Smith worship song in the bottom video to help you glorify our Heavenly father who loves you and desires to be part of your life. Remember, our God loves you and sent His son, Jesus Christ to help you fill your God like vacuum.
He who was sitting on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down. You can trust these words. They are true." Revelation 21:5
Our God is in the restoration business. His job is to come in and restore our lives so we may one day become useful vessels. He takes the ashes and the left over debris of our lives and converts them to a work of art. He takes the devastation and emotional upheavals of grief and makes all things new again. It may not seem like it when you are walking through the desert of grief, but God is walking with you at your side and directing your path in the way that you should go (Job 29:25)
When you are in the throes of emotional pain you may wonder if you will ever smile again. At times you may doubt God's goodness and even be tempted to give up on believing in God, but you must try to cling to promises found in the ancient scriptures that reveal over and over of God's faithfulness and his ability to restore lives.
The God who parted the Red sea to allow the Hebrews to escape from certain death at the hands of the Egyptian's is the same God who will restore your life at the proper time. The God who saved Noah's life from the belly of the whale is the same God who will deliver you from the emotional pitfall of grief. The God who saved Daniel from the fiery furnace is the same God who will help you through whatever it is you are suffering from. The God who who reminded Peter that he would deny Christ 3 times is the same God who became part of Peter's and gave him the power to bring people to Christ.
Our God is in the restoration business. He is a master at restoring lives and enabling you to smile where once there was a frown. Just as Revelations 21:5 says "I am making everything new!"
1 As Jesus went along, he saw a man who was blind. He had been blind since he was born.2 Jesus' disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned? Was this man born blind because he sinned? Or did his parents sin?"
3 "It isn't because this man sinned," said Jesus. "It isn't because his parents sinned. This happened so that God's work could be shown in his life
I love listening to Christian testimonies because they are evidence of God's grace. A timely testimony often encouages me because it serves as a reminder that God is working in the lives of people around me. A testimony encourages my Spirit when I am feeling down.
In the months and years following our sudden and tragic loss there were hundreds of testimonies I read from people who had loss children that encouraged me and gave me hope that our family would reach the other side of the storm stronger and better people. It encouraged me knowing that my 12 year old son ( he is now 17) would come out with a faith well tested and stronger emotionally.
Joni Earickson-Tada along with her "new" husband at that time share their testimony. Joni went on and started an organization known as 'Joni and friends' which was an organization that teaches the Church how they can start a ministry to the disabled community. God also had another purpose for Joni on a larger scale when He helped her start the 'Wheel Chairs to the World' ministry which is a ministry that delivers wheel chairs to countries where there is a definite shortage.
Out of Joni's tragedy came God's redemptive healing where God helped pick up the broken pieces and made Joni a useful vessel for His overall plan to bring people to salvation.
If you are in the midst of sadness and sorrow you can rest knowing that God has a continuing plan to use your pain to help others who come after you in your suffering. We have a reason to be filled with joy. On the one hand we can rest knowing that our loved one is in this new place the bible refers to heaven which is a place of incredible joy and happiness. On the other hand, we have the Holy Spirit inside of us to guide us and to shape our days in this life and to find a way to help others. What ever your pain is God will use you just as he has used Joni Earickson-Tada.
A disability does not have to keep you on the sideline of life. In John 9 Jesus responded to his follower's question by telling them that it was neither his parents or his sin that he was born blind, but he was made that way so that the God can do a mighty work through him. This international dance competition illustrates that even though someone is wheel chair bound they can still have fun dancing!
We don't give up. Our bodies are becoming weaker and weaker. But our spirits are being renewed day by day. 2 Corinthians 4:16
This weekend my wife, son and I are busy prepping our kitchen for painting which we will do on memorial day which is on Monday. We had purchased the paint a year ago, but just never got around to tackle this task.
In some ways after losing a child changes are hard to make. Which is why couples will sometimes close the door to the child's bedroom for months and even years to avoid the emotional pangs that occur when that day comes where you must enter that room for something. It is OK to do this because in many ways your family needs to heal sufficiently from all of the painful emotions of the loss.
To adapt to small change a family may want to one day open that door and leave it open. By leaving the door opened you slowly adapt to the change that your deceased child is no longer there. Some friends of ours were given a gift from their daughter and her new husband who came down and while they were away they completely painted and re-did her bedroom into a guest room. They helped her parents to bring in a change that recognizes their new transition in life.
I was thinking of this analogy the other day as I was listening to my son play the piano. In some ways our lives are like a piano piece being played. When we are born the piano piece starts off with some short, rapid high notes. As our lives progressed the piano piece builds with anticipation for the next notes. Finally, our lives build into this Crescendo where with anticipation we see our Lord and Savior.
Just as we are adding a touch of color to our kitchen and dining area our Lord is renewing our mind one day at a time. We may not necessarily see the changes he is doing in our lives, but long term all these small changes collectively add up to our Crescendo effect where one day we will have the opportunity to take our first breaths in Heaven and exclaim, "now I understand why I had to go through those painful parts of my life."
The mountains might shake. The hills might be removed. But my faithful love for you will never be shaken. And my covenant that promises peace to you will never be broken," says the Lord. He shows you his loving concern. Isaiah 54:9-11
"God wants me to be happy". "I prayed about it and I felt peace to leave my spouse." "I have done all I have and now I have to take care of my own needs". "I no longer feel love for my spouse." "God wants me to be happy." These are just some of the explanations I have heard over the years to justify divorce. Notice the selfish thinking that goes into those statements. It is all about the their happiness. There is no consideration for the well being for the children in this soon to be broken family.
My heart breaks every time I hear about a pending divorce of a couple we know in our church. Our Church! Christians should be the most put together group of people in the world because of what Christ does in their lives, but sadly they are not. On a monthly basis there are just as many Christian's throwing in the towel on their marriages as non-Christian's. Sadly, Christian children coming out of broken homes suffer some of the same problems as non Christian children: abandonment, alcohol/drug abuse, promiscuity, legal problems, school problems and the list goes on.
Parents who venture down the divorce pathway seriously wreck their families finances. Money which would help with the well being of their children are now going into the hands of legal representation of both spouses. Not just one attorney, but two attorneys must be paid. Once the money is gone the custodial parent must apply for county assistance to feed their family. Society is paying a heavy price because now they must create social programs to address the problem of divorce.
Every time a Christian couple divorces it has serious ramifications for the Church. Whereas you once had a great relationship with a couple, when they divorce this couple pulls away from all of their former friends and they take their children out their Sunday school classes in that church. Divorce begins to effect the cohesiveness of the Adult Sunday school class when couples who regularly attended no longer attend. Relationships are broken when divorced couples no longer return phone calls from former friends.
Children begin to blame themselves for their parents divorce by blaming their own existence for their parents pain. As children enter adolescence with all of it's gyrating hormones children continue to place blame on themselves for why mom or dad are no longer in their lives. Because so much energy is spent dwelling on their emotions little energy is left for them to focus on doing well in school. Teachers struggle to reach these kids because every teaching method they use doesn't seem to help them. These children are then sent to the school psychologist who give them a label so they can get special education help for what ails them.. Little do they know that it was simply a broken heart that created those problems.
When divorce happens these children are thrust into survival mode where drugs and alcohol become the norm. When their grades slip and these kids begin to lose interest in school they begin skipping classes and hanging out all day with the wrong crowd. One of their friends says something on the dare and the group decides to do a risk taking activity which brings law enforcement into the picture.
As these negative behaviors continue these children grow into very angry adults who will do anything to get rid of the feeling of abandonment and failure. Society pays a very heavy price for those parental statements of "I just want to be happy." Just for once I would like to see parents who make those statements of I just want to be happy to think ahead at the possible repercussions their divorce would have on their kids and then instead of calling 1-800-divorce they call a recommended marriage therapist to help them put their marriage together again. Your children's future may be at stake.
Today VP Joe Biden choked up as he talked about the sudden loss of his young wife and daughter in a car accident years ago. Joe was talking to military families who must deal with the emotional pain associated with losing their wife, husband,son or daughter in the war on terror. He acknowledge that he understood what each of these families are going through by sharing his own pain.
This is a perfect illustration how our pain will not be wasted as we go through recovery. We will have abundant opportunities to share our pain with others who are in an earlier stage of their grief. Joe also acknowledge that in time you will begin to smile at the memories of your loved one before tears flow.
As someone who has experience a sudden loss I can identify with his pain and I can also identify what it is like to reach a certain recovery process where you are actually smiling as you recall the memories of the one you lost.
As a believer in Christ I do know that we have a Savior who understands your pain and who is willing to walk with you in your journey toward grief recovery.
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." Hebrews 21:1
I was very proud of my son and all of the rest of the track team who competed for Legacy Christian Academy for finishing the track season on a strong note. Everyone of these a student athletes finished strong despite the end of the school year deadlines and final exams. Long bus rides were typical for traveling to all of these meets, but these students did a great job prioritizing their time so there work got done.
Later this morning all of the Juniors will be helping out with the elementary track and field day at Legacy. I bring this up because it was at our daughter's final track and field day in 2007when she ran the 50 yard dash with her class mates. Some of these classmates were competing on this years track team. Maria finished the 50 yard dash in spite of a mild physical impairment caused by her disability. The most amazing thing about her race was when all of the rest of girl's finished ahead of her these same girls turned around and ran back to run with Maria. Our daughter was cheered on as she crossed her finished line.
Regretfully, that was the one race that I didn't get to see. I did enjoy hearing the story of Maria's 50 yard dash completion through 2nd hand witnesses. Little did I realize at the time that Maria's final days in this life were approaching and we would not be able to see her again until one day we ourselves cross the finish line of life to the exclaims of our Lord's encouraging words, " Well done, my faithful servant you to have fought the good fight welcome home."
God wants us to worship Him and honor Him in all of our ways. Many will delay making a decision for Christ by saying they have their entire lives to figure things out. Some will say they will succeed in business and when they retire they will have time consider the things of the Lord. This is faulty thinking because all it takes is for a split second decision that could put you into a situation where your life will come to a screeching halt. I am not sure if I want to take that risk. nor do I want to avoid any possibility of not experiencing the Lord's presence all of the days of my life
Just as James's sister did you too can have a strong finish. You too can run the race with perseverance the race marked out before you.
For those who do know Bethany Hamilton was a world class surfer who faced incredible obstacles following a shark attack that took off her arm. She overcame those obstacles and returned to her love of surfing. She was a believer in Jesus Christ and with the Lord's help she was able to overcome her fear of the water and returned to the love of surfing. She became an inspiration to millions of people with disabilities because the message she sent with her surfing was how a disability should not prevent a person from excelling at something.
In the Gospel of John chapter 9 we read the words of Jesus when he was asked why was this man born blind. They wanted to know if it was the man's sin or his parents sin that prevented him from seeing. Jesus's response was it was neither his sin or his parents, but he was born that way so that the Lord can do mighty works through him. A disability should not prevent one from achieving their best, nor should it necessarily keep them on the sideline of life.
Tonight I was at my son's end of the year Track banquet and I was amazed at the commitment these boy's and girl's made to their team. These players came in all sizes and shapes with varying levels of talent and they glorified God by doing their very best on the track. I was impressed at the last meet where I witness the entire track team circling in the middle praying to the Lord. I was especially impressed when players would come up and pray for the person who would be competing in the next event. This pleases the Lord and it witnesses to non believers around them that Christ is alive and living in the hearts of these young people.
So when the chips are down and you are ailing from a physical problem just remember that God still wants to use you and demonstrate to everyone watching that you can overcome obstacles and through that God is glorified.
When someone stumbled, weak and tired, your words encouraged him to stand." Job4:4
What sets us apart from the rest of the world is that we are called to encourage one another. In our Adult Sunday school class I used an illustration about suffering. I said that when we suffer it is as though we are being made more tender by God. Since it is outdoor bar-b-cue weather I shared how to get the maximum flavor out of our steaks that I will beat the steak with a wooden hammer like device and then allow it to soak in the tenderizing sauce. It takes a while, but the end result is you have meat that has the maximum flavor for the pallet. God allows our suffering so we can be 'like Him' and instead of looking at the world through selfish, 'I am god' glasses we begin to see the needs of our common man around us. Instead of blindly looking away from needs we are sensitize to look for those needs.After this tenderizing process brought about by our own suffering we see the needs of man kind much more clearly. We live in an age that many might describe as ' dog eat dog' world where the aim is to play a game of always finding a way of being on top. The problem with this game is how it justifies in our mind the need to 'destroy' our friends for the sake of making us 'little god's'. We become narcissistic in our view of life and people suffer because of that view. Following Christ set's us apart from that narcissistic, selfish, stinking view of life because it allows us to see people as God would see them which are a people with deep, hurting needs. As Christians we are called to practice the art of encouraging one another (Galatians 6:2) In that verse it is written."carry each other's heavy loads. If you do, you will give the law of Christ its full meaning." Separate from Christ we are doing the opposite and is it any wonder why we are having war's or hearing rumors of wars? Is it any wonder why people are being devalued and destroyed? Being a Christian set's us apart from this worldly, godless thinking and the tenderizing process we go through in our own suffering results in us becoming more caring, more loving, and better at encouraging one another. Now that is something that is pleasing to God!
One day you will likely bury someone you loved. When that happens you will experience unbearable pain that like the waves of a ocean refused to calm down. You will noticed that as you experience the pain of your loss others will be living life like you had lived before your loss. Families continue to go to Disney World and having fun together. It will have the feel that you are on another planet from your happy friends.
We were not meant to travel the lonely road of grief by ourselves. Burying ourselves in alcohol and drugs is not the appropriate way of coping with grief. My wife and I have been involved in this support group a couple of times and we recommend this group to everyone who has experience a loss. Whether it is the loss of a parent or child grief share is the right group to allow you to begin processing the grief you are experiencing. I like Zig Zigler's comment when he said that when we experience loss it is not the time to be strong, but it is a time to be human.
Grief share will help you to calm the stormy seas of loss.
The above video is an example of the need for people who are grieving to be involved in a grief share group. The pain is often unbearable to do it by yourself.
In the days following September 11, 2001 Peter Jennings, reporter for ABC News took up smoking again to counter the stress of reporting the horrific news of 911. He was diagnosed a short time later of inoperable lung cancer and died not long after. Like the proverbial leaky faucet the constant bombardment of bad news into our lives has the ability to erode our self confidence and demoralize our character.
Following the days of our loss I could no longer bare to listen to the daily grind of bad news from the media. To listen to the additional daily grind of bad stuff that was happening in the world was only aggravating the grief I was experiencing at the moment. Jesus cautions us in Matthew 7 about exactly this issue. He stressed the importance of making sure your house was built on a firm foundation so that when the winds and the storms came it would not fall apart. The house built on the rock stood longer than one built on sand.
Which is exactly what is happening in the post modern world where people are neglecting their houses by neglecting the very foundation that supports that house. The single most important decision I ever made for my life was the one to invite Christ into my life in the Spring of 1974. . Rather than worrying if whether the sand that sits below would sift with each passing rain I was able to rest on the knowledge that Jesus would see me through my periods of hopelessness.
I remembered one illustration which still makes sense today. It was a train analogy. The Engine pulls the train and the caboose is at the end of the train. The engine represents the word of God and the caboose represent our feelings. What we often do is we allow our feelings to guide our lives. What happens when you put the caboose at the head of the train? Does it pull it? No. The train goes nowhere. When those periods of hopelessness passes through us it is important to allow God's word to guide us. Our feelings must be put in perspective because they change moment by moment. What you are feeling at this hour will not be what you are feeling tomorrow. By reading the bible we are reminded that just as God was a source of comfort for so many people in those texts God will also be there to guide us as we go through our occasional periods of hopelessness.
Bad news will always be here to stay because simply bad news is what sells newspapers and it is what brings in advertising dollars. Like the proverbial leaky faucet we can choose to turn it off and listen to what God has to say.
Everyone at some point in their lives will experience the loss of a loved one. As much as we would like to be convinced that everything will work out grief will still be a very painful process for everyone going through it. Grief is made more difficult when one considers that everyone grieves in very different ways and with that in mind it is important to be patient with those around us. Some will try to use humor to make themselves feel better. Others will have a need to cry endlessly to let go of the pain of their grief. Still others will bury themselves in work. As one person commented, just stuff those feelings way down to the bottom of the bottle and put a cork in it.
Grief is a painful process that requires good competent grief counseling. Since our loss I had been involved in two Grief Share groups and in both cases the group were made up of woman. Men will typically not attend grief support partly because they see grief as a character weakness. The reality is recovery is only possible when men seek help when feelings of depression, sadness and unanswered questions such as the why did this happen or why didn't God keep my loved one alive.
When people do not deal with the grief these feelings have a tendency to take on physical symptoms: chest pains, sleeplessness, panic attacks and the list goes on. In some cases these bodily symptoms can result in a diagnosis of cancer. These experiences can be associated with several adverse outcomes, including an increased risk for premature death. Mortikainen found a 50%-150% excess mortality from accidental, violent, and alcohol-related causes as well as a 20%-35% excess mortality from ischemic heart disease within 5 years of the death of a spouse, and this association has also been documented in other chronic illnesses.[2,3] Moreover, grief and bereavement are linked with increased rates of suicide and suicide attempts. the researchers learned in one such study. This research should convince us of the necessity to work on our grief.
This video touches on excellent coping strategies to help someone experiencing loss to get through their pain. I hope you take the time to watch it.
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This morning as we drove to church we nearly had a rear end collision. The cause of this near miss were a family of geese crossing the busy highway bridge.Once these geese reach the other side we're wondering how they will ever truly make it to safety. Getting off the road wasn't going to be their problem. What they were about to see was a high concrete barrier preventing them safe passage. My wife made a comment to that maybe the father should have gone ahead and scouted out a safe passageway for the family instead of blindly leading them in a direction toward almost certain death.
I started thinking if only I could become one of them for only a short moment in time to show them the way and to guide them to safety. No matter what I did this family of geese wouldn't listen to me, nor would they go in the direction I thought would be safe for them.
Then I remembered that God sent his son to show us the way by speaking the truth. What he said profoundly changed lives of those who followed him.
Becoming a Christian is accepting the reality that Jesus Christ knows the proper pathway to freedom and safety. It is acknowledging that we need Christ to be our guide through the sometimes rough passageways of life. In John 14:6 we read these words from Christ: “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." Some people try to venture through life searching under all of the philosophical stones, hoping to find one that will provide them with the secret for health, wealth and success. Other's cling to the philosophy of atheism which becomes their belief system, but like the family of geese most wind up staring at a blank concrete barrier wondering "what happened?"
One of the most important decisions a person can make in life is their decision to follow Christ. All other decisions naturally flow from that one decision. Following a Savior that is so well documented in the ancient Jewish and Greek texts is the surest way of heading in the right direction. It's you choice. Would you rather be like this family of geese heading into almost certain death, or would you like to have the King of Kings and Lord of Lords to be your eternal guide to safety?
"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139: 14
Those words came to me in the middle of the night. I suppose sitting out in the hot sun watching my son's track team perform feats I could only imagine might have something to do with it. I was very proud of the entire track team for how much effort they put into getting their bodies conditioned to compete on Saturday. Then I remember this wasn't any coincident because that is precisely the way God made each of us.
Through God's grace He gives each of us the ability to overcome great odds. Which is why on the same day of my son's track meet I read how a 73 year old woman successfully made it to the peak of Mount Everest. This was no small feat you can imagine because as she climbed her way to the top she undoubtedly passed bodies of much younger climbers who became too frail to go further.
Franklin Delano Roosevelt said it best in his inaugural speech that there is nothing to fear, but fear itself. He writes further:
"Happiness lies not in the mere possession of money; it lies in the joy of achievement, in the thrill of creative effort. The joy and moral stimulation of work no longer must be forgotten in the mad chase of evanescent profits. These dark days will be worth all they cost us if they teach us that our true destiny is not to be ministered unto but to minister to ourselves and to our fellow men.
Recognition of the falsity of material wealth as the standard of success goes hand in hand with the abandonment of the false belief that public office and high political position are to be valued only by the standards of pride of place and personal profit; and there must be an end to a conduct in banking and in business which too often has given to a sacred trust the likeness of callous and selfish wrongdoing. Small wonder that confidence languishes, for it thrives only on honesty, on honor, on the sacredness of obligations, on faithful protection, on unselfish performance; without them it cannot live." This was said by a President who was himself wheel chair bound from the harrowing effects of polio.
Just as God used FDR God can use you in amazing and spectacular ways. In Ephsians 2:10 it says, God has made us what we are. He has created us in Christ Jesus to live lives filled with good works that he has prepared for us to do. As we watch more of our kids graduating from high school and college it is comforting to know that God has a plan for each of us. Just as Franklin Roosevelt became our nations president at the worst time of our nation's history our young people are entering a world more uncertain than ever before. But know this we have a God who fearfully and wonderfully made us to reach our true potential and He alone will use us to bringglory to Him.
Touch is a one of the most healing forces we have within us. A sick child heals quicker when their parent holds them. A crying child calms down faster when mom and dad pick them up and gives them a kiss and reassures them that everything will be fine.
A dying patient accepts death when his loved ones are gathered around him holding his hand and assuring their love for him. A teacher inspires a student with a hug. It was Jesus's touch that heal the blind man, brought a young girl from the brink of death, restored function in a paralyze man, and reminded a Samaritan woman that what she really needed was the living water that only he could give.
Touch is a awesome thing that we hold within us to restore peoples lives. Touch can give hope to the fatherless. Touch can lead people to the saving grace that only Christ can offer.
This is a revision of my story. I changed the names back to our children's actual names because this is our story. This story doesn't dwell on the tragedy of her death and the loud mournful sounds, but it dwells on what Maria may have experienced that night.
Written by Todd Gabrielson
Maria was glad to be home. It had been a long week in the hospital with the surgery on her left leg,hip
and left foot.. She was told that the surgery would help her walk so much better and even keep her out of a wheelchair. She loved walking and certainly didn't relish the thought of being pushed in wheel chair. She loved her independence.
Somewhere between birth and coming to Minnesota Maria had developed a condition called cerebral palsy which for her effected the way she walked. She remembers asking her dad one time that if " I worked super hard in physical therapy can I not have the surgery?" Her dad looked at her with moist eyes and reminded her that the surgery would help her walk so much better". She knew that her dad loved her very much much and wanted her to experience life to it's fullest.
Although she didn't mind if her older brother James waited on her hand and foot and got her what she needed every time she rang the bell, she enjoyed her independance. She and James were just two years apart. They had both been adopted and so were not biological siblings, but they grew to enjoy each other as siblings. Maria remembers the bible stories about how through Christ we are all adopted into the family of God and so she knew that adoption was a very good thing. She remembers her adopted mom telling her how she traveled just before Christmas time to bring her home to her new family and that she was our Christmas gift. She remembers mom telling her how all of her co-worker's at Meadow Creek Christian School praying for her adoption and even praying for her health problems.
She remembers her dad telling her how he and her brother James would pray that the adoption process would go smooth when mom was in Guatemala. She was spell bound listening to dad tell the story about how long it took him to finally locate mom's luggage which sat in the wrong airport in the wrong country. She even remembered how James, who was only 4 at the time was so thirsty and unable to get dad's attention had actually climbed up the stairs, pushed a chair up to the kitchen sink, climbed up and got his own drink of water by putting his mouth under the faucet.She remembered James embellishing the story by saying how he almost fell into the sink.
She and her brother attended the same Christian school where mom was the school librarian. She and her brother would often meet down at the library after school where they would pass the time reading books while waiting for mom to finished her work for the day. In some ways she wished mom had been the art teacher because she loved to draw and that would mean she would have a never ending supply of art supplies to make little cards for her class mates. Maria loved to draw! Maria remembers how she would get in trouble with her teachers for drawing when she should had been doing her homework. It really didn't matter what her teachers thought because she knew that God would rather see her encourage her class mates.
Maria was in her pink bedroom and she loved that feeling. To be in a room with all of her stuffed animals, her books, and her doll house in the corner was a comforting thought. She never liked the hospital room she had to share with a screaming child the last night she was there. She just couldn't get to sleep that last night and as her dad reminded her when he came in her room that night for bedtime prayers, " I suppose you are as tired as I am ?". Maria looked at her dad and exclaimed, " yes, I am tired." Tonight she could fall asleep immediately because she was home in a place she loved. She was home with her mom, dad, James, and her uncle Bill. The only one that wasn't there was their dog, Princess, who had died just 3 months before.
She was excited that uncle Bill was going to stay with them for a month to help her get better. She loved his funny voices as he read to her. She loved the way he made exercise fun. She was looking forward to waking up every morning hearing the laughter of her family and having meals with them. She was glad to be rid of the hospital food delivered by people who were in a hurry and didn't have time to at least talk to her.
Maria felt pain from her hips down. She knew that she would be in pain for a little while, but that she would gradually get better until there would be no more pain. As long as she could have her family nearby she could endure anything. Maria was told that if she needed relief from her pain there would be pain medication she could have. Tonight, the love of her family was keeping the pain at bay which meant she didn't need her dose of medication.
Maria knew she had a very high tolerance for pain. She remembers when dad brought her to see the doctor for the botox injections she would decline the anesthetic shot just so she could get back to school to be with her friends. She knew that her brother would never be able to tolerate not having something for the pain. After all, if James couldn't handle being tickled he certainly wouldn't be able to handle the the pain without some kind of shot to deaden the pain.
After the light to the room went out Maria drifted off to sleep. Unlike her brother and her mom she and her dad could immediately fall asleep. It seemed that just moments after the light went off in her bedroom she felt this warmth enter her room. She opened her eyes and saw someone very familiar that she knew from her bible stories and Sunday school classes. This man had a glow of light and the warmth she felt from him told her that she didn't have to worry.
Then she remembered immediately who he was! It was Jesus, the one she often prayed to every night at bed rime. The one she prayed to every time she went to the Kid's Prayer team at her church. The one she prayed to for healing a special friend who fell off his ladder and almost died. Maria felt a smile form on her face as she saw Jesus. "Do not fear Maria for I am with you". Maria no longer felt pain. She could move her legs freely without the stiffness she often felt from the cerebral palsy. As strange as it seemed she didn't feel any sadness going with Jesus and leaving her mom, dad, her brother and her favorite Uncle Bill. She did ask Jesus about what will happen to her family. Jesus looked at little Maria and assured her that he would send a helper to each of them. Jesus knew that where Maria was now going there would be no more sickness, no more death, and no more sadness or sorrow, but he also knew that Maria's family will need his help to get through the coming months of wondering what went wrong. Jesus knew that Marisa's family would be dealing with grief in very different ways and he would make sure that each of them are helped in individual ways.
Maria felt safe as she flew with Jesus to this place that she has only heard stories about from her bible and she looked forward to this new adventure. She remembered all of the times she prayed with her school teachers, her kid's prayer team from church and with her family and she knew that when her life on earth ended she would be going to this new place. Being with Jesus gave her the assurance that every thing was going to be ok. It felt surreal because she felt no pain from the surgery and she felt no sadness leaving her family behind. Jesus reminded her that in this new place there would be no more sadness and no more sorrow.
Almost in an instant she was standing in what appeared to be the throne room of God. It was huge! It didn't feel like a strange place because she felt the warmth and light coming from God. It was as though she was being covered in God's love. Maria looked all around, moving freely as she inspected this place. She remembers her parents had this Thomas Kincaid painting with all of it's rich, vivid colors and thinking how that painting didn't even come close to describing the beauty of this place. She looked beyond the throne through an open arch where she could see this beautiful landscape of trees, birds, and in the distance she saw a large pristine lake. She saw lions and lambs playing together in the grass. Maria was growing in love with this place with each moment of time.
In that room she saw familiar faces. She saw Nana. The last time she saw her grandma she was in a wheelchair, unable to talk much.. This time though Nana was standing and with open arms she watched as Maria ran to her. Nana did not have a disability, but then again neither did Maria. She remembered hearing the story about how Jesus came back from the dead and when he came back he had a new body.
There were others she saw in that room. Some faces she knew and others who had passed away many years before. She saw biological family she never met who she learned had prayed that she would be adopted by a Christian family in America. She knew that she was going to enjoy this new adventure and she could not wait to share this adventure when her mom, dad and her brother James join her in this place! She would love everyone to know Jesus so they can all join her! She was already making plans on how to surprise her family when they came home to heaven!
Last Sunday at our church we heard a lady share her testimony of how for the first time she is pain free. A mom with young children, she found herself in extreme chronic pain. Living elsewhere she shared an amazing array of God ordained events which brought her to Minnesota and to our church where she and her family felt immediate peace. From here she was lead to the Internationally known Mayo Clinic where she learned was known to be the center of chronic pain research. Our hearts and minds had found a deeper connection with God through this woman's testimony, but why?
Our God is an awesome God who absolutely knows what he is doing with our lives. He uses our suffering to make us realize that we need him, to make us better people because then he wants to use our suffering for good to encourage others who come after us in our own suffering.
America is a nation of suffering. We are a nation of cast offs from England. A people that wanted to have a better life in this new world. Our ancestors, like the Hebrew slaves, had to endure sickness, hardship, and death before reaching our shores. As England tried to prevent us from starting this great nation our ancestors fought and many died on the battle fields because they believed that their suffering would ensure that tomorrow's children would have a better life. Our freedom came at a price and one we must never forget.
Which is why we enjoy listening to our grand parents talk about the hardships they had to endure and how those hardships paid off with a better life for us. Which is why we remember our Veteran's and the sacrifices they made so we could continue to experience freedom.
As each ethnic group makes it's way to our shores they too have a tale of suffering which they endured before reaching the better life in America. Many of them had to endure sickness, torture, and loss of life before their ancestors found a way to experience freedom and a new life in America. Many of them came to America where they could worship without fear of reprisal, without fear of being taken in the middle of the night and never seen again. Many of them came to America not knowing what happened to their long missing family members. They came to America so their children could have a better life.
We are inspired by tales of suffering because in that suffering we see the tapestry of God working behind the scenes of that suffering. No matter what you might be experiencing today whether it is struggling with a rare disease, a recently diagnosed cancer, or wayward children, or God forbid a loss of a child you must never forget that God is there with you every step of the way and he is going to use your suffering to lead people to the Savior. Just like we were inspired to draw closer to our Lord listening to this woman on Sunday others will be inspired to draw closer to God listening as you share your own suffering with them.
I was humbled this week at seeing God's hand in helping us through the car problems. Yesterday, I really stressed out when at noon I heard this clump and the next thing I knew it my car felt very wobbly and when you drove faster than 15 mph it really shook. It was shake, rattle and roll all the way to the Firestone station. The mechanic put the car on the hoist and about a 1/2 later came back with the keys and wrote up his order form. The service manager explained to me that the car's inner and outer tie rods were completely shot and needed replacement. He also said that I will need a new rod and also pointed to these two upward connectors and said those have to be replaced. Total bill would had been 1300.00. Ouch!
I proceeded to drive across the parking lot aka shake, rattle and roll, to another independently owned garage. They put it on the hoist and came back presented the order to the service manager who told me that the inner tie rods were shot ( not the outer ones) Feeling relieved I asked how much. He said it was pretty labor intensive and then said it will probably be in the 600 dollar range. Ouch again! Well, I decided to park my car and grab a ride from my beautiful wife. That night I sent a message on facebook asking anyone for suggestions on where might there be a honest auto service center. I got several possible suggestions that night. That night I was stressed out which kept me awake until I decided that my way wasn't working and lifted up the prayer request to the Lord.
The next day I called JPT auto service and liking what I heard I decided to use one of my AAA tows to get it over to them. Two hours later they called me to say that the job will be done within a 1/2 hour. When I got to the garage they showed me the bill. The total was only 229.00 for the replacement of two inner tie rods. In addition, they replaced a bearing on the air conditioning pulley which now makes the car MUCH quieter.
When I picked up my wife from her temporary job she told me that the hundred dollar bill she found on the floor and turned in was never claimed. The lady returned the hundred dollar bill to her and said it was hers. She found this hundred dollar bill the day she found out that she DIDN'T get the permanent position at the college she had applied at.
Our God faithful in helping us through whatever it is that ails us. Cast your burden on the Lord [releasing the weight of it] and He will sustain you; He will never allow the [consistently] righteous to be moved (made to slip, fall, or fail). Psalm 55:22 (AMP) My wife may not have a permanent job right now, but I know that He will eventually open up the door to the absolute perfect job for her. Our family may be going through struggles, but I know that it is the family of God that sustains us and helps us to conquer whatever we face.
In the Complete Jewish Bible I read these words:“Don’t let yourselves be disturbed. Trust in God and trust in me. 2 In my Father’s house are many places to live. If there weren’t, I would have told you; because I am going there to prepare a place for you. 3 Since I am going and preparing a place for you, I will return to take you with me; so that where I am, you may be also. 4 Furthermore, you know where I’m going; and you know the way there.” Those were the words of Jesus as he spoke to his disciples as a reminder that his purpose was to remind you that God has a very special place for all of us in a place we know as Heaven. When you lose a loved one it is quite normal to want to know more about this place and this about where we would go gives us the purpose for living in the here and now.
When all the world is falling apart we can still feel the inner presence of Christ to be our guide. When there is financial calamity and our personal security is threatened it is comforting knowing that we have a Savior who a few thousand years ago came to earth to remind his believers that God is very real and our lives do have a purpose.
“I have told you these things while I am still with you. 26 But the Counselor, the Ruach HaKodesh, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you everything; that is, he will remind you of everything I have said to you. “What I am leaving with you is shalom — I am giving you my shalom. I don’t give the way the world gives. Don’t let yourselves be upset or frightened. 28 You heard me tell you, ‘I am leaving, and I will come back to you.’ If you loved me, you would have been glad that I am going to the Father; because the Father is greater than I. “Also, I have said it to you now, before it happens; so that when it does happen, you will trust.
Yes, we have a wonderful God who reminds us in his word how much we are truly loved. He also gives us the assurance that Christ has made a place for us and he will bring us back to that place called heaven.
The world values success and success is measured in terms of money, status, prestige, the size of the home and the size of one's bank account. The world takes pity on people who stay married when one partner becomes severely disabled. After all, the world believes that you deserve to be happy and to stay married to a spouse who suffered a life threatening stroke is simply wrong. However, God's message is for the husband and wife to stay married until death do they part.
I saw this in my own parents marriage. When mom suffered a very severe stroke in the late 1990's which left her with speech aphasia and wheel chair bound dad made it clear to anyone who asked that he would remain faithful until the end. Mom was beautiful in her youth. Dad was smart, a college trained Engineer and a honorable discharged United States Marine. They, like most couples, had their rough moments in life, but it never entered into his mind to leave his wife. Not even after her debilitating stroke did he even consider the notion to leave her.
Commitment is a rare thing in this day and age and is it any wonder why today's young people are entering into adulthood already accepting the reality that they will be going through divorce at least a couple of times before they make it right? God's plan is for a man and wife to be committed to each other even in the face of disability, adversity, death of a child and economic disaster.
As I watched my dad say goodbye to his wife in 2005 my heart was made glad by this man's commitment to this woman even when she was no longer able to be the person she was before her stroke. If this touched you please turn to your spouse and tell him/her how much you love them.
Recently I had a conversation with a neighbor at a hardware store of all places.
This neighbor and his wife live across the street from us. I was updating them on my grief journey. Knowing that he was in the medical profession he was one of the first ones that heard my grief journey. He heard my grief as it ventured from the shock, depression, to anger. They watch our daughter grow and since they live next to the play ground they watched me walk my kids over to the playground every night in the summer. His two boys and their mom had a blast putting palm prints all over the fire hydrant in front of our home when they were younger.
They were heart broken as they heard about our loss. He is a nursing administration at a nearby state hospital which meant I felt comfortable talking about the autopsy results that confirmed the medication toxicity issues as the primary cause of death. He heard me as I told him about the possibility exploring a wrongful death suit against the hospital. He watch me travel the course of grief beginning with anger. He didn't try to move me along in my grief, but he simply listened to the pain that was present within me. In this hardware store I shared with him how I was able to come full circle with the grief and actually forgive the doctor and the peace that we saw as a result
I shared what I have discovered about doctors and grief and the pain they feel when a patient dies.I shared with him our families visit with the doctor who had treated our daughter for many years and as a result of that visit we learned that grief from a doctor standpoint can be just as painful as the family experiencing that grief.
He agreed that people working in the medical profession need to take better care of themselves from a emotional and psychological standpoint when a patient that they are assigned to dies. Instead of covering up the grief they need a safe way to process the grief they are feeling. Not doing so will only mean that other personal problems will develop in their lives.
A good friend who was a surgeon actually took his own life and I suspect part of the issue involved unresolved grief from the loss of some of his patients. We have choice to either take the time necessary to work through all of the ugly and messy stages of grief and reach recovery, or watch that grief take it's toll on our bodies and cause a untimely death.
I was at the hardware store when I cross paths with our neighbor. He shared a story about our former neighbors who had moved to a bigger house about 4 years ago. He asked if I heard what happened to the mom and I naturally said no. Apparently, she had suffered severe chest pains and lost consciousness. Her 10th grade son and 9th grade daughter were at home. The daughter was one of Maria's childhood friends. The son knew how to do CPR and proceeded to perform it on his unconscious mom. There were no working phones in their home and the daughter had to run next door to see if she could use a neighbors phone. The EMT's eventually arrived to the home. Her son was able to get a pulse. She was rushed to the hospital where she was placed into a drug induced coma. These doctor told the family that if it hadn't been for their son's quick thinking she would have died. So where am I going with this you ask? I am noticing that many people are canceling their land line phone because they are using cell phones as their primary communication device. The rationale seems to be why make two payments for phone service? The problem is that cell phones can be easily misplaced or simply not charged and when it comes time to use that phone for emergency purposes it won't work. Cell phones have also been known to be misplaced or even lost. The survival of your loved one could be in jeopardy if you find no working phone in your home when you need one.
I saw this article in the Star Tribune and thought it illustrates how traumatic grief effects people. In this case this man blames his actions on the stress and psychological instability following the sudden death of his wife who plunge into the Mississippi river in 2007 when the 35W bridge collapsed. I think it really illustrates the importance of working on your grief in a therapeutic relationship rather than trying to 'tough it out'. Here is the article as it appeared in the May 9, 2012 edition of the Star Tribune.
The former owner of a corner market in St. Paul argued before his sentencing on a massive food stamp fraud that his illegal behavior "was the product of stress and psychological instability" attributed to his ex-wife dying in the collapse of the I-35W bridge in 2007.
Khaffak S. Ansari, 46, of Arden Hills, was sentenced Tuesday in federal court in St. Paul to three years and five months in prison for making illegal redemptions for cash and ineligible merchandise at the Stryker Avenue Market.
The government contended that Ansari trafficked more than $3 million in food stamp benefits from January 2006 -- well before the bridge collapse -- through October 2010. Ansari argued that the figure was closer to $1.5 million. Sentencing calls for him to pay $2.4 million in restitution.
According to a law enforcement affidavit filed in the case, the averaged food stamp redemption for a similarly sized store in Minnesota between 2004 and 2009 was slightly more
than $320,000. Over that same period, Stryker's redemptions were nearly 10 times that. As an example of an inflated transaction, Ansari swiped a benefits card for $401.12 and provided that person with $200 in cash.
In presentencing court filings, the government argued for a four-year prison term for Ansari. The defendant sought as little as three years, pointing out that his ex-wife, Julia Blackhawk, was killed in the bridge collapse three months after their divorce.
"The nature and circumstance of the offense . . . was a product of stress and psychological instability after the death of Mr. Ansari's [former wife] in the Highway 35W bridge collapse," his attorney argued in a presentencing document. Blackhawk, 32, and her car plunged into the Mississippi River as she was heading home to Savage from Aveda Institute in southeast Minneapolis, where she had been studying.
Paul Walsh, Star Tribune reporter
Ever notice that when storms pass in the night when we're sleeping we hardly notice them, but in the day time we do? When we are awake we are running to the windows to watch as the rain is falling to the ground, or we are tuning into to the meteorologist on the radio for the latest updates as he sees them in real time on his Doppler radar. Ever notice that the storm is never really as bad as the meteorologist indicates?
I am reminded of the words from Ecclesiates 1:8 which says, " all things are wearisome, more than one can say. The eye never has enough of seeing, nor the ear it's hearing. What has been will be again, what has been done, will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun.
Part of human nature is to want to make a significant contribution in the world. A meteorologist will dream of being part of the weather report that describes the storm of the century. The surgeon dreams of being part of a team of doctors that invents a procedure that in the long run either improves quality of life or prolongs life. The teacher dreams of coming up with a curriculum that drastically enhances the test scores of her students and allows the majority of them to pursue higher educations and professional careers. A college quarterback dreams about being with a Super bowl bound team. Those who are blessed with enormous wealth think of making a difference by building a skyscraper and naming it after the family name. Whether we are rich or poor or somewhere in the middle we all want to make a difference in the world around us..
Yes, making a difference in the world seems to be what most of us strive toward. Two thousand years ago there was a simple carpenter born to a virgin who was brought into this world by God. This simple carpenter was God's perfect son who would one day be the final blow to the twice a day temple sacrifice for man's sins. As a boy he soon grew to love the old testament scripture and at one point the priests were amazed at the knowledge that he had. When he began his public ministry this simple carpenter mentioned truths and healed people that convinced the followers that he was sent by God. His disciples followed him and the sick touched him in hopes of being healed. Chief priests were intimidated by his knowledge and soon schemed to come up with a plan to do away with him. Yes, this simple carpenter had offended them with the truth, was judged and sentence to death by crucifixion. But God had them fooled.
Just when theses Priests had found away of getting rid of this simple carpenter God raised him from the dead on the third day of being in the tomb. Through his son God found a way of forgiving the sin's of men if only they accepted his son, Jesus, into their hearts. Through this simple carpenter, lives and human hearts were changed forever! Jesus made a significant difference in the world and people he has touched have made a significant difference in the lives around them.
My favorite day of the week is Sunday because it is a day our family gets to worship the Lord in praise and song. Even when one has had a horrible week it is always refreshing to come to church to sing your heart out to the Lord. You could have been given a diagnosis of cancer just three days before, but to come to church to sing and being with other believers you know really lifts up your spirit.
You could have lost your job, but to be able to come to church where you can be encouraged and lifted up in prayer is something that encourages you for the new week ahead. You could have received the bad news for your child that he has cancer, but to come to church to be with other believers is enough to lift your spirit and encourage you.
Church is where passages of life are celebrated or experienced: marriage, baby dedication, child baptism, children's drama, youth events, graduation, funeral of parents, grandparents, and something no one wishes on anyone which is the funeral of a child.
Church is a place where friendships are developed and where relationships blossom as we share one another's burdens. Church is the one place where we grow closer as believers as we walk with one another through the dark valleys. It is a place where we experience the transitions of life from falling in love when we are young, getting married, bringing our children to church, watching them grow, develop and move away to attend college and coming home and finding a church they can experience their transitions of life. It is a place where future generations come to know the Lord because of your commitment to God's church.
As I walked into the Sanctuary this morning I remembered all of the times when our kids were young and the times of having grandparents join us. I remember the kids choir and I remember the celebration of life service we had for our daughter, but most of all I remember that the church was the place where our children came to love know their Savior. It was the church that gave our family the connection and reminded our kids that God has a wonderful plan for their lives.
This morning it was an awesome experience to take communion with all the rest of the believers and to thank God for the sacrifice of His son on the cross. When Christ went to heaven He reminded us of the importance to worship the Lord on the Sabbath. It is His church which helps us stay strong in the Lord.
Finally, when we worship God in the church we are experiencing a little glimpse of what it will be like to worship God in heaven and to fellowship with other believers. A very small glimpse because we probably cannot imagine what the real thing is going to be like, other than looking at a Thomas Kincaid painting with all of it's rich bright colors, until our earthly existence comes to an end and the Lord gives us a hug and says "well done my good and faithful servant, you're home now!"
A doctor entered the hospital in hurry after being called in for an urgent surgery. He answered the call ASAP, changed his clothes and went directly to the surgery block.
He found the boy’s father waiting in the hall. Once seeing him, the dad yelled: “Why did you take all this time to come? Don’t you know that my son’s life is in danger? Don’t you have the sense of responsibility?”
The doctor smiled and said: “I am sorry, I wasn’t in the hospital and I came as fast as I could after receiving the call…… And now, I wish you’d calm down so that I can do my work.”
“Calm down? What if your son was in this room right now, would you calm down? If your own son died, what would you do?” said the father angrily.
The doctor smiled again and replied: “I will say what Job said in the Holy Bible, “From dust we came and to dust we return, blessed be the name of God.” Doctors cannot prolong lives. Go and intercede for your son, we will do our best by God’s grace.”
“Giving advice when not concerned is so easy,” murmured the father.
The surgery took many hours, after which the doctor went out happily, “Thank God! Your son is saved!” And without waiting for the father’s reply he carried on his way, running. “If you have any questions, ask the nurse!!”
“Why is he so arrogant? He couldn’t wait so I could ask about my son’s state?” the father questioned the nurse.
The nurse answered, tears coming down her face: “His son died yesterday in an accident, he was at the burial when we called him for your son’s surgery. And now that he saved your son’s life, he left running to finish his son’s burial.”
NEVER JUDGE ANYONE because you never know how their life is, what is happening, or what they are going through.
Many people who enter into chemical addiction programs have unresolved grief issues from past losses. Traditional treatment programs often use the 12 step approach which emphasizes encouraging sobriety without identifying the deeper core issues that lead to the chemical addictions.Patient barriers often include feeling overwhelmed as unresolved losses emerge once the numbing effects of drugs wear off. We also know that many get high to medicate the past and current losses.
One writer suggested that very few treatment professionals are equipped to help people who are chemically dependent to work through unresolved grief and loss and if they did then they are fearful of opening up the Pandora's box of unresolved grief for fear they will be unable to close it again. One study points out that as much as 75% of chemical dependent people actually relapse for the simple reason that the deep issues of loss have never been properly resolved.
We can best help those in Chemical dependency programs by being aware of the types of losses that are grieved. The goal of helping people with unresolved losses should not be to eliminate the grief, but to enable people to be able to talk about their losses with less pain.
Some of the painful losses that those in addiction suffer from include miscarriages, abortions, death of a child (most people, including counselors struggle to address this issue), death of a parent or sibling, losses that are linked to their chemical use, parental abandonment, having a child placed into a child welfare system because of a parents chemical issue, separation, divorce or failed relationships, loss of a pet, unspeakable violent deaths, ambivalent deaths,loss of a job, status or career,loss of housing or shelter, loss of true friends, experiencing the death of someone first hand. An example of this would be a soldier coming home from war where he witness first hand several of his friends being killed. Rather than talk about their losses it is easy for some to want to medicate their sorrow with drugs or alcohol, or both.
In order to help reduce the relapse rate we need to make a conscious effort to help those who struggle with chemical dependency issues to have the opportunity to process unresolved grief associated from past or present losses. Unless these unresolved grief and loss issues are properly treated then whenever a new loss occurs it will bring to the surface of an earlier memory of another loss. For example, news circulates through the community about a young man getting killed in a car accident and it brings to the surface the long 'forgotten' memory when your brother or sister was killed in a car accident, or news circulates about a child who dies from a sudden death and forces you to remember how you younger brother died in a equally traumatic event. Current losses you hear about will cause earlier grief memories to surface at a time you thought you had recovered.
We need to give people permission to talk about these losses so they will be able to process the pain of those losses.Solely focusing on the sobriety piece will assure that they will relapse once they leave the treatment program because simply ceasing to drink does not eliminate the painful memories of their unresolved grief. The goal of helping people with unresolved losses should not be to eliminate the grief, but to enable people to be able to talk about their losses with less pain.
For me it was vitally important that I went to see a Clinical Psychologist shortly after the loss of our daughter. I knew I had to begin working through my grief issues so it didn't come back at some point in the future. I also knew I needed to continue living without having unresolved grief ambush me every time I would hear about another loss.
Much of this material comes from a on line article in Counselor, the magazine for Addiction Professionals dated November 30, 2002. The title is 'Blending Grief therapy with Addiction Recovery.'
