The unfinished business of unresolved grief, unfinished business and by the way pass the noise makers and happy new year

but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31

As each New Years comes and goes there is a collision of colliding emotions that interfere with our outlook of how we view the New Year.

 For some of us the New year is a reminder of past relationships that are no longer part of our  lives. The loss of a parent  through divorce, the death of a loved one, the loss of a job that brought us previous satisfaction and the piling up of unfinished business are just some of the things that come crashing down on us on a day we think should be filled with the happiness.

As   I  learned in my own personal grief journey there are people who simply do not want to go there with you on your personal journey of loss.  Friends you have had for many years will suddenly not be there for you at the time of your loss.  Friends who discover the internal pain you are going through simply do not understand, nor  do they want to take the time to understand  this pain  because, after all, their lives are  going fine and   why mess up their lives by bringing the pain you feel inside; Yet, for many their own unresolved grief comes to the surface at the time of your loss that makes it impossible for  them   to travel with you on your  own journey.

Grief is a universal feeling that all of us will one day encounter.  Notice, I didn't say some of us, but I said ALL of us will enter into this path and the sooner we understand this notion the sooner we can embrace it when it  finally does comes.

Yet, it seems we are a pleasure seeking people who take great pains to avoid this pain. We bring out the noise makers, surround ourselves with friends, dance the night away and when the ball drops at midnight we kiss our love one in hopes the good feelings stay with us. Sociologists tell us that feeling alone and isolated  in crowd of people is a phenomenon that happens to all of us, even on the final day we call New's years eve.So what are we to do about it when loneliness surrounds us? What are we to do when loneliness is met with the grief and sorrow of our past relationships?

I know what I did. I embraced it by continuing to put one foot in front of the other and continue doing the daily and weekly rituals I did when those previous relationships were  in my life. I know, for me,  that my savior and Lord, Jesus Christ, understood the loneliness I was feeling and while people left me in a trail of dust Jesus was there  to help me process the inner turmoil of grief I was under. 

Amazing how a simple decision to invite Jesus into my life at the ripe young age of 18 helped me navigate the grief I was under in my later years. I have learned in my grief journey that all of the other religions of the world taught us 'this is what I teach', but Jesus was the only one  who said 'follow me' and he backed that claim up with miracles and of  course  the resurrection.

If   you are having issues with unresolved grief I encourage you to take a sheet of paper and begin writing down people you have known in past relationships who are no longer with you. Then take that list to a  trusted listener  and ask him or her to pray with you for each of those losses.  I learned that it isn't the good  times that God speaks to us, but it is in the times of sadness, times of  sorrow that he reveals his heart to us and all we have to do is call  on his name and he will be there  for us.

As you prepare  for this New Year celebration please remember that it is normal to be filled  with colliding emotions. Our lives are like  a novel.  The pages of our book are filled with excitement, drama, sadness and hope. Like my life God wants to help you pen your novel so one day someone else can read it's contents and be filled with hope  that God is there  for them  in their days of sorrow.

As you work on  your own unfinished grief remember it is normal to be sad on the final day of the year. So, pass the noise makers and happy new years  anyways.

No more room, a child is born

Luke 2:14King James Version (KJV)
14 Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

Imagine, if you will, you had been the chosen one to bring Mary to a safe place so her baby could be born.

As you are walking and guiding the donkey she was sitting on you are hoping her time wouldn't come until you reached the destination.

Your feet are no doubt sore and your muscles ache with every step you are taking over this rough terrain. As you get closer to Bethlehem panic begins to take over as you hear Mary, sending you to quickly sweep the landscape in search of any suitable place you could find so Mary could give birth to God's son, the salvation of the world.

You have now reached Bethlehem and from Mary's cries you know you do not have much time to find this place for God's chosen one to be born. You are now running from door to door asking if there is any room with the reply back to you, "sorry I can't help you", or "I am full for the night". Your heart is now pumping hard as though it would burst out of your chest at any moment.

You try one more place up the road in Bethlehem and their initial response was the same as those before, but then they noticed Mary's condition and lead you back to the stable where they keep the animals. You noticed the stable had a empty feeding trough. You help Mary off the donkey onto a comfortable bale of hay that would normally been provided for the animals, but on this night it would provide Mary with the support she would need to give birth the the salvation of the world, peace on earth, Jesus. At first you are thinking you failed in your mission. After all, this feeding trough was the best you could find? Little did you know that God would use this humble beginning to create the greatest story ever told, salvation to all the world, peace on earth.

For Joseph and Mary to get to this point in their journey God spoke to them through angels and dreams. In Matthew 1:20 it was written these words: But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, "Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit."

God continues to use dreams to this day to speak truth to his people. Dreams are often used to bring people to a new hope of salvation. Dreams often lead people to major life changes like giving up drugs and alcohol and giving assurance to people who are grieving that everything is going to work out for the good.

Today, a child is born. The prince of peace was born to bring hope unto the world where no hope is found. Through this baby Jesus lives have and continue to be changed forever.http://www.iamsecond.com/struggles/anger/

Light a candle in honor of the one you loss

Psalm 6:2  Have mercy on me and be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am weak (faint and withered away); O Lord, heal me, for my bones are troubled.

In just a few short hours families will be hosting loved ones in celebration of the happiest day of the year, the birth of our King, Savior and Lord Jesus Christ. 

For some this Christmas brings with it mixed emotions as they celebrate knowing that it will be the last Christmas with their loved one who is dying from a terminal disease, or for others  they gather in homes wondering how to handle the awkward moments and occasional silence as they miss their loved one whose name has now been pushed into the background lest they open the floodgate of emotions. 

 Some people wish they they could just fast forward the holiday just to get through it; that way, they could go  back to work where the mundane activities of daily living help anesthetize their pain.

It seems the holidays are emotionally tough on people, especially as they go to Christmas gatherings where the goal of the moment is to be happy and joyful in the presence of loved ones. Yet for everyone who gathers each of them brings with them their own white elephant. Oh, how tough it is to be joyful when the moment they enter the room they see all these white elephants roaming the room making it difficult to talk to loved ones without these creatures bumping into them.

Each person who comes to a holiday gathering is bringing with them emotions from past Christmases when there now missing loved ones were there. Awkward silence fills the room as people  filled with emotion try to avoid bringing up the names of people no longer with them. The reality is we all know that the white elephants are in the room, but none of us know what to do with them.

Alas, what is a grieving person to do in such a time as this?  There is a solution to finally getting rid of the slowly meandering white elephants in the room.

Light a candle.

Light a candle  in honor of the one you lost.

As each family or friend arrives for this festive celebration of our Lord's birth ask each one to grab a candle near the entrance and light it in honor of a loved one they miss.

Lighting a candle gives people permission to talk about their loved one.

 Lighting a candle opens up communication and gives others permission to talk about their cherished memories of their loved one.

Lighting a candle sends the message that the white elephants are no longer welcome.

Lighting a candle may begin the healing process within families who miss their loved ones no longer sitting at the table. 

Grieving is very hard work and unless we give ourselves permission to openly remember these precious loved ones the process will take longer than it should otherwise take.

As  you read the Christmas story in the bible your tears of sadness will turn into tears of joy as you reflect on the Christmases your loved one is presently experiencing  in heaven.

Go ahead and start a new tradition by  lighting a candle in honor of your loved one. God just might use that to bring healing to your wounded soul and to the wounded souls of your loved ones.

It's beginning to feel like Christmas!

Many people entertain the idea that Christianity, like almost any other religion, is basically a system of beliefs-you know, a set of doctrines or a code of behavior, a philosophy, an ideology. But that’s a myth. Christianity is not at all like Buddhism or Islam or Confucianism. The founders of those religions said (in effect), ‘Here is what I teach. Believe my teachings. Follow my philosophy.’ Jesus said, ‘Follow me’ (Matthew 9:9). Leaders of the world’s religions said, ‘What do you think about what I teach?’ Jesus said, ‘Who do you say I am?'(Luke 9:20)” Quote by Josh Mcdowell

I thought about not putting up Christmas lights on the front of my house this year, but when I saw that there were very few lights on our street I changed my mind.  If  the spiritual health of a street can be determined by the number of lights on a street I think my street might be on life support. 

It seems that in recent weeks leading up to the greatest celebration of civilization, the birth of Christ, we have been bombarded by the shooting in St. Louis, the disappointment of the verdict and the riots that followed and more recently the assassination of two officers in New York city who were doing nothing but taking a momentary break, It seems that when bad news happens it is so easy to allow the rest of us to take in that bad news until it permeates every fiber and nerve ending of our body.

For some of us it is natural to say 'I give up' and tell ourselves that if there really is a good God in this world then God wouldn't permit evil like we are seeing in these days. So we allow our mental mindset to dwell on the negative and we feed our mindset on more negative news programming. 

As a Christian I found that there is hope this time of year.  The birth of Jesus Christ is the single reason why this season exists. It isn't happy holidays, or happy greetings, or Happy Kwanzaa, but it is the one day  that God demonstrated his love for all of us, white, black, brown, with a big present and a huge bow and a card that simply said 'I love every single one of you and I intend to bring you close to my heart'.  

 Through the birth of Jesus Christ we were given the hope that no matter what happens to us in this life God is for us. This video was done by Josh McDowell who set out to prove the bible was wrong, but as he examined all of the evidences he came to the opposite conclusion which was that Jesus is who he said he really was, the son of God. http://youtu.be/HRemWMIy2IY  I posted this video to encourage you to listen at your leisure because I think it will give you the evidence to inspire the hope we have in Jesus Christ.

As a believer in Jesus Christ  I believe it is important to bring hope to the world around me. In my case, the street I live on. Lights I put on my house and the manger scene I put up symbolically gave to those living on my street hope that regardless of what they hear on the news that God really does exist and brings good news this Christmas season. 

People, today, are searching for hope, any hope. Many are searching in all the wrong places. Maybe if they drove by your home  and saw a simple manger scene sitting in your front yard a seed is planted in their souls that may one day come to full fruition.  Where ever you are in this world may you experience the hope we have in Jesus Christ and may the light you shine give hope to others in your world.

The emotional impact felt by newly unemployed

17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.[a] James 1:17

My wife recently opened up her e mail  regarding the nearby Christian bookstore we often frequented over the years with our kids. When the letter begins with those words, " it is with profound sadness" you know it isn't going to be good news. 

We found that this Christian bookstore was closing for good shortly after the new year.   My mind went into reverse as I recalled the scenes of yesteryear when our kids were in grade school looking at the children's books in the children's area while mom and dad were browsing the music CD's , bible study materials and other edifying for the soul reading materials. Those scenes of yesteryear left me in a bit of a funk that caused me to suggest we go their that night to do some Christmas shopping.

In my earlier blog I wrote about the emotional impact when I discovered that our families favorite  eatery had closed and how I felt when the one place I could go where memories of those days could still be felt was no longer there, or the grocery store I remember pushing our shopping cart with our kids feet dangling through the foot holes as we did our weekly grocery shopping had closed.

 I am reminded by this verse in James 1:17 as changes in my physical surroundings  happen around me with these words, '17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. I am also reminded by these words from Hebrews 13: 8 Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. In other words just as things change all around me with my favorite Christian bookstore closing, my grocery store and my favorite eatery locking its doors I can always count on my Lord Jesus no matter what happens to me in this life.

As someone who talks to the unemployed on a daily and weekly basis I can attest to this fact:  a newly unemployed person who to work in one of those now shuttered stores will experience the different  stages of grief as they try to make sense that the job they had gone to every day for several years was no longer there, the people they worked with  and the sameness of work activity that gave them meaning would disappear leaving them to dwell on that existential question, 'what is my purpose in this life?'   If you are one of those currently out of work there is hope for you. Consider this time as an opportunity to lean on God by reading the words from the 4 gospels of Christianity: the gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John because it is within those books that the vary words of Jesus Christ will quiet your soul and help anchor you during this troubled time.

The seas may be rough as you navigate the mighty storm of unemployment and at times you may question God's wisdom to allow you to suffer, but I assure you that in time you will come of this stormy episode stronger than when you first entered this tumultuous period.  As you watch God open the next door in your working career, you will look back wondering what that stormy patch was all about.

Alas, as I reflect on the latest closing of our families favorite Christian bookstore I am reminded with the comforting words that no matter what changes around me Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow!

We are sentimental people

Praise the Lord! He is good.

God’s love never fails.

2 Praise the God of all gods.

God’s love never fails.

3 Praise the Lord of lords.

God’s love never fails. Psalm 136

I admit it.  I am a sap for sentimentality. I am the one that advertisers spend millions on trying to connect my emotions to the product they are selling.

I buy Life cereal because after all Mikey eats it
http://youtu.be/vYEXzx-TINc .

  I renew my policy with Allstate because their commercials resonate with my need for security. http://youtu.be/TscHTLOL9bY

 I drink milk because the commercials remind me that milk builds strong minds and bodies as this commercial suggests: http://youtu.be/82yZVB7IDlE.

  I buy cars partly because of the emotions that advertisers want me to associate to their cars. http://youtu.be/FoGGDKV88Fg

When I see movies I see them in hopes of having my heart strings tugged. Film makers know that which is why they spend money to add musical scores to their films. This clip from Star War's movie beautifully illustrates the difference the film comes across when the music is taken out: http://youtu.be/G5z2ECXo33s.  I doubt very few of us would plunk down money to see a movie without any musical score

Because we are emotional human beings it should not surprise us that when someone you love dies these feelings come to the surface and cause deep sorrow.  It also should not  surprise us that the intensity of our feelings is connected to the length and depth of our relationship we had with the one who died.

 When God created us in the first place he did so because he wanted us to be in a loving relationship with the creator of the universe  He wanted us have emotional connections with those around us. He wanted us to fall in love, get married, and raise a future generation. He  knew that we live in a fallen world when unexpected things occur that will bring pain into our lives and so he provided us with each other.  God reminds us in Ecclesiastes 4:12 that a cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

God knew there would be trouble in this world and provided a Savior to walk with us when unexpected grief  become our constant companion.  I am reminded through scripture there is hope in our grief because of what Jesus Christ did on the cross.  http://youtu.be/HaS-9AP96gE

 The hope we have in Christ is that our grief is made more palatable knowing that when the lives of our loved ones end we have the peace in knowing that their lives continue in heaven.   There is hope that we will recover from grief.  I encourage you to lean into your grief and trust God that he knows what he is doing with you. After all, you were wonderfully made by God and wouldn't you think he would know how to help you in your time of need? I know that full well from the commitment I made in 1974. A simple decision to invite Jesus into my heart has lead me on a lifetime journey of seeing God blessings.  Even when I was in the valley of the shadow of death following my daughter's sudden death God was still there for me. He wept just as I wept.  There were times that he had to carry me through the days I didn't think I had the strength to survive. Even the days I didn't have the strength to even look at God's word he gave me godly people who assured me of his promises. 

As we celebrate the Christmas season let us remember all of the past blessings God had given to each of us. Then share the love of Christ with someone who may not know him on a personal level as you do. If we all did this as believers in Christ great things will happen, one life at a time. Now that would be very pleasing to God!

Our lives are like a train journey

19 “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20 But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Matthew 6:19-21

Saying goodbye is never easy. This week I attended the celebration of life service of a father of some friends of ours. He lived his life sharing the gospel as a missionary pastor. I never met this man, but I was able to experience his life through touching stories of those who knew him. For many of us we don't attend celebration life services because we knew the one who died, but we attend to experience the life through those who did.

 I remembered my  uncle Rodger Kent, former WTCN/KARE 11/WCCO on air personality. I wanted to attend his remembrance event at the Radio hall of fame in St. Louis Park, but time wouldn't allow me to. 

Saying goodbye is never easy. Like standing on the ground waving to our loved one standing on the back of the last train car waving to us as their figure gets smaller and smaller until they finally disappear.  Once that train has left our line of vision it arrives at heavens gate where throngs of witness's welcome our loved one home. 

On our end we grieve, but at the heavenly train station celebrations are just beginning. Welcome home signs are being held up by the saints of the past. Balloons are being released and the red carpet is rolled out. As your loved one walks on that carpet they see the Savior Jesus Christ waiting with outstretched arms welcoming them home.

Life is like a train journey.  We each get on at different points of that journey and we get to know others on that same train. Some stay with us through most of the journey, while others get off at other points of the journey. We grow to love certain people, only to say goodbye to them at their journey's completion.

Whereas it is painful to say goodbye I guess the best thing we can do is enjoy the journey we are on.

Healing from our pain starts with learning the art of story telling

And when Jesus went out He saw a great multitude; and He was moved with compassion for them, and healed their sick.Matthew 14:14

If you have been reading my blogs for any length of time you might gather the impression that I love telling stories about my pain. Some of you might think I am a little narcissistic and would prefer a little less drama. I learned that God had given me the gift of putting into words the inner turmoil resulting from our June 10th tragedy. Story telling, for me, has been a way of getting the dreams and occasional nightmares associated with my loss out of my head where on paper it is less threatening to me.  

I believe many of us have lost sight of the importance of story telling. Instead of sharing our pain in our lives we turn to alcohol, drugs, and sex to placate that inner pain. Instead of telling someone our story so they can understand what we are going through we resort to sending short text messages that really do not enable us to share our whole story. Instead of working through our pain by we resort to playing mind numbing video games until we nod off to sleep.

Susan Conley, the teacher and writer in this video, shares in this TED talk about the profound impact that story telling has in bringing healing to the lives of young people.  She believes that if we can get every kid to write for 15 minutes each day about themselves we would see more of them graduating from high school and college.  How simple, yet profound was her statement. As I momentarily reflect on that statement I realized that telling our stories has become a lost art for most of us. Instead of writing we search for ways of being entertained through movies we watch, music we listen to, and sporting events we go to.

To learn the art of story telling she reminded her audience that there is no right or wrong way to write your story.  I think most of us are fearful of writing that story within us because of the grammar Nazi's trying to pick apart and criticize those stories. Many of us avoid this task to keep the grammar Nazi's at bay.

I believe the art of story telling is comparable to a painter standing in front of a canvass and painting the scene in front of them. Instead of paints of many colors the writer has a open journal, a blank sheet and a variety of pens. The goal is to write anything that comes to your mind on that paper. Whatever ails you flows on that page. Whatever pain you are having gets written down.

 Susan tells her audience to write about two things: 'Who am I and do I matter'. To her teenage guys in her workshops she tells them they have 15 minutes to write about anything and when they were done she would ask them to read those stories out loud. She shared the story of a speech impaired boy in her class who read with clarity the story he had written and the tears that flowed down his father's cheeks when he heard his son share that story because for the first time his son spoke without any trace of a speech impairment.

Susan Conley believes learning the art of story telling without the fear of grammar Nazi's attacking it brings healing and connectivity to peoples lives.  People who learn the art of story telling are more likely to find their place in this world and to be less impacted by their inner turmoil.

From a Christian perspective I am reminded how in the gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John Jesus often used word pictures to illustrate important points he wanted his followers to know. The storm on the sea of Galilee when Jesus walks toward his panic stricken followers and calms the storm is a powerful reminder that Jesus will calm the storms in our lives. It becomes our word picture as we enter our own storms and is a powerful reminder to pray.

If you are experiencing trouble times I encourage you to write your story in a journal. If writing is a problem, but you can type I encourage you to consider starting your own personal blog. I like blogger.com because there are so many ways to individually design your blog that is unique to you. I encourage you to write for 15 minutes. You can start off writing about Who am I and Do I matter? In time you will be writing about what really matters to you.  Fearful of cancer, you write. Unemployment, you write. Fearful of being alone, you write.  As you write you will see the tapestry of God's love being woven into your life story and that is when healing begins to take place. 

Finally, just think of the possibilities if every church youth group encourage their young people to write through writing groups. As we teach them how to tell their story they will find connection in this world and their purpose in Christ and many of them will go onto become successful adults. What a powerful ministry this would have in the community they serve.

Muslim Converted to Christianity Amazing News for Zakir Naik, Br. Imran ...

16 This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters. 17 If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person? 18 Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth. 1 John 3:16

In this day and age it is possible to get caught up in the anger against all Muslim people. Simply listening to the anti Muslim rhetoric on the news casts will get any scared American angry and at the end of the newscast they want to pick up their pitch fork and kill these evil people. We dehumanize this singular people group without even remotely considering that these are people  God loves and wants to become followers of Christ.

In a book entitled 'A wind in the house of Islam: How God is drawing Muslims around the world to faith in Jesus Christ, the author takes the reader on a journey through what he describes as the 9 rooms in the Muslim majority world: Indo-Malaysia, East Africa, North Africa, Eastern South Asia, Western South Asia, Persia, Turkestan, West Africa, and the Arab world. Muslims in each of those regions have created indigenous, voluntary movements to Christ. The article can be found at this link:http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2014/april-web-only/why-muslims-are-becoming-best-evangelists.html

When a Muslim converts to Christ there is tremendous grief that happens within him.  In the Muslim world becoming a Christian is akin to sacrificing all of your previous family relationships. In many homes you simply cease to exist and in the eyes of the their parents you are considered dead. 

 Think for a moment of the tremendous loneliness a newly converted Muslim must feel as he sees Christian families getting together spreading cheer to their children and you as a Muslim can't even go home to see your parents or siblings unless you want to risk getting killed. 

 Since I grew up in St. Louis Park, Minnesota which was  home to a large population of Jewish people the same isolation occurs when they come to Christ.  In many Jewish homes they cease to recognize the newly converted Christian believer. They are dead to their parents.  In the series of videos about the Jews for Jesus movement you will get a glimpse on how God is using this movement to spread his message of salvation:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxMahcBafVk

I can't help but think how God is using Jewish and Muslim believers  to radically evangelize the world in the final days before Christ return. Perhaps, this was part of God's story line when  Abraham's son Ishmael and Hagar, Sarah's maid servant, were sent away into the wilderness. 

Maybe it is time for all of us to turn off talk radio and allow God to talk to us through the pages of scriptures regarding his love for all people and his desire to use any means to bring people to Christ.

I love listening to testimonies of lives changed  through the simple commitment to Christ. I am especially drawn to testimonies of former Muslims and Jewish people coming to Christ. In both of these people groups they  leave behind the daily rituals for true freedom  of knowing that Jesus Christ died for all of their sins. 

This man shares how he came to the realization that Jesus was the Son of God and he did rise from the dead.  He shares a little about the grief he went through leading up to and after he made that commitment. 

As you attend church this morning ask yourself this question: Lord please lead me to a Muslim or a Jewish believer in Jesus so I can invite them over for the holidays. They crave the experience of being with family as much as you do.  
  

The Surprise That Left Steve Harvey In Tears

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32

Every once in a while comes a story of gratitude. A story that warms the insides of most people. When Steve Harvey was a mere 26 years old he found him struggling when this gentleman came along and gave  him some seed money to start a business. Steve never forgot that gesture and for many years had been searching for him to say thanks.

You might take it for granted the small things you do for people. Just because you may not see them as important it doesn't mean it hasn't left a mark on the other guy you just helped. Which is why stories upon stories of KTIS's drive through differences are truly making a difference in peoples lives. Which is why people continue to sponsor a child through Compassion International, or Operation Christmas child. 

I hope this clip will inspire you to continue pouring on the kindnesses into peoples lives. Those kindnesses just may be the lift they need to go on in life.

No matter what happens to us in this lifetime we can be assured that our lives continue in heaven

2 My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. 4 You know the way to the place where I am going.” John 14:2-4

I was once again reminded this week just how fragile our lives are with the health crisis of a young man of very good friends of ours. This family met with our daughter's former orthopedic specialist to prepare for a surgery to correct a knee/foot condition. 

A simple trip to a heart specialist to see if his heart was strong enough to withstand the rigors of surgery revealed a rather large Aorta ( several times the size it should have been) that in the words of this doctor "they are very lucky that he is still alive".  As I reflect on our daughter's short life I was reminded that this same doctor sent us for a similar consult, but in her case her heart was healthy and strong enough for surgery.

I was  reminded once again how really fragile life is for all of us. There are so many different ways for any of us to take our final breath.  Worrying about the fragility of life isn't the answer. To do so we allow ourselves to grow anxious. We are reminded of this in Philippians 4:6-7 with these words: '6 In nothing be anxious; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God and the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall guard your hearts and your thoughts in Christ Jesus. 

While it is true that our days are numbered God made it possible for all us to see heaven once our time on earth has been exhausted. In John 14 we are reminded with these words, " My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. 4 You know the way to the place where I am going.” 

You see, God assured us of the complete divinity of Jesus  Christ when after being buried for 3 days he was bought back to life. We are reminded by the words in Matthew 28,' After the day of worship, as the sun rose Sunday morning, Mary from Magdala and the other Mary went to look at the tomb. 2 Suddenly, there was a powerful earthquake. An angel of the Lord had come down from heaven, rolled the stone away, and was sitting on it. 3 He was as bright as lightning, and his clothes were as white as snow. 4 The guards were so deathly afraid of him that they shook.
5 The angel said to the women, “Don’t be afraid! I know you’re looking for Jesus, who was crucified. 6 He’s not here. He has been brought back to life as he said. Come, see the place where he was lying. 7 Then go quickly, and tell his disciples that he has been brought back to life. He’s going ahead of them into Galilee. There they will see him. Take note that I have told you.”
8 They hurried away from the tomb with fear and great joy and ran to tell his disciples.
9 Suddenly, Jesus met them and greeted them. They went up to him, bowed down to worship him, and took hold of his feet.
10 Then Jesus said to them, “Don’t be afraid! Go, tell my followers to go to Galilee. There they will see me.”

Because of the resurrection of Jesus Christ we can be assured that no matter what happens to us on any given day or hour we can be assured of our final destiny.  If your next trip to the doctor reveals somewhat distressing news with a recommendation of what you can do about it I urge you to heed your doctors advice and have whatever impacts your life to have it corrected.  

Whereas we know our fate when we are in Christ I believe Paul said it best in Philippians 1, "I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; 24 but it is more necessary for you that I to remain in the body. 25 Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, 26 so that through my being with you again your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound on account of me."

Because of Jesus's ministry on earth and because of the resurrection and  because he appeared to thousands of people we are assured that the words that are written in the book of life are true and accurate and no matter what happens to any of us we are predestined to be with our Lord forever.

Today, another young lad will have a chance for life thanks to the watchful eye of our daughter's Orthopedic specialist

13 forbearing one another, and forgiving each other, if any man have a complaint against any; even as the Lord forgave you, so also do ye: Colossians 3:13

I was again reminded of the power of forgiveness in the post left by good friends of ours on the Caring Bridge website in regards to  their son. I hope that as you read my posts on this site you will see how God had woven this power of forgiveness where I was able to see the infinite goodness of our medical community in treating people of all ages of some very serious afflictions after my daughter's loss through that same community.

 It behooves me to see that the world at large has a slash and burn mentality and when sudden death occurs they immediately run to the nearest trial lawyer for relief, instead of God.  The family in Ferguson have now retained a lawyer to gain monetary damages for the taking of their son. By that same token we fail to see what it is like to be a police officer on the front lines each day.  Instead of reconciliation we destroy. Instead of forgiveness we incite hatred, violence and retribution.

 In the words of my former boss who asked what happened when Judas received the coins from the Chief priests for turning Jesus in and my response was 'he was filled with remorse' as he tossed them into the court yard.' 

I was further reminded through the words of a final Jewish attorney I had consulted, 'the best thing you can do is to focus on honoring your daughter's memory by doing good  things in that memory'. This coming from an someone who himself lost a 1 year old daughter who never got the chance to sleep in her own bedroom. 

Forgiveness.

 Like the smell of sweet perfume it fills the air and draws people near.

 Forgiveness.  

To say those words to the those who could not save your daughter's life in the end sets both of you free.  

 I was reminded of  the final meeting we had with our daughter's doctor where we listened to each other's grief journey's and  at the end of that meeting we prayed for him.

 Forgiveness.

 That word permeates throughout the pages of scripture. 

Forgiveness. 

The healing salve that redeems people and gives them hope for the future. 

Life is filled with uncertainly. Things happen in this life that we may never really understand unless we lean onto God and trust Him to reveal the bigger picture to us in time.

 Forgiveness. 

 As we work through that process God will do amazing things through you to bring blessings to many in this world.

 I am reminded by the words from John 16:33 where Jesus says, "These things have I spoken unto you, that in me ye may have peace. In the world ye have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." 

 Because of the power of forgiveness I get to see the professionalism of our daughter's specialist in being the conduit to bring healing to another young lad of very good friends of ours. 

God ultimately paid the price for all of our transgressions by coming into this world in a form of a baby and being the ultimate sacrifice on the Cross and through that sacrifice and resurrection opening up heaven's gate for all to come if only we receive this free gift of salvation. Through his ultimate sacrifice God sets the standard to help each of us to forgive.

Those sleepless nights when the questions of old come back to you

11 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

On those nights I lie awake in bed when my body wants to rest I have visions of my loved one and the questions that go with it. 'Why God' seems to be the nagging question of the moment, at a time I would much rather sleep to prepare me for yet another day. 'What if God' I was there at the most crucial time my loved one needed me then maybe that person would still be here.

 Tossing and turning I try with all my might to fall asleep and I guess it is quite natural for those of us in grief to at times stay awake; after all, the  love for the one that died was not a fleeting love and I cannot expect my grief at this time to be a fleeting grief. For those moments like these I say a simple prayer.

Dear Jesus,

Let me experience the heavenly air my loved one tastes.
Let me feel the gentle breezes,
Let me taste heaven's seas that my love one is experiencing.
Finally, please give my loved one a hug from her family.

It seems that when I turn those why's and what if's into a prayer back to God he answers them with the sleep I need.

Jesus understands the pain you are experiencing. He is on both sides of the veil. He experiences the absolute joy of your loved one and he walks with you on your journey of grief.  If you could hear one thing Jesus might say to you  it is this:  "Your journey isn't complete and I will use what ever pain you are going through to reach the souls that do not know my peace and hope for the things yet to come." 

Our God is faithful. He is always true and the things that are written his book are meant to give you life.  One day, you will wake up filled with joy as you begin to see God's promises unfold in your life. 

May God richly bless you on this journey of grief.

On this Thanksgiving eve what is your moral compass set at?

There is a way that seems right to a man,
But its end is the way of death. Proverbs 14:12

Up here in the Red river valley the land is so flat, far and wide that it wouldn't take much to lose your bearings and become lost. Which is why an experienced hiker always includes one of these  as part of his  essential pieces of equipment: his compass. 

 It appears that our news is filled with so much news about sudden deaths, tragedies, bad cops, bad people and journalists in search of their next story that will propel them into the nations living rooms. 

As I watched mom's and dad's weep for their wayward children and analysts trying to explain why this kid or that kid went in and shot up public place leaving fallen bodies in its wake I began to get this sense that just maybe their moral compass was giving them the wrong reading.  In this life there are many paths we can take, but not every path will be the best one.

Every day is filled with choices that for some will lead to disastrous results.  A wayward child choosing to sneak out of his bedroom at night to join his friends down by the railroad tracks to smoke some weed and drink a pint of beer will cause his parents grief when suddenly he feels tipsy just as the southern bound freight comes rumbling down the tracks.

A teenage son, filled with rage, will cause grief to an entire community when he brings his gun to school and guns down his classmates. A young man, unemployed and unable to pay his bills, will bring on a lifetime of agony when he is arrested and sentence not long after robbing the local 7-11. As he sits behind bars 'doing the time' his parents are left in a pool of tears wondering what they did wrong.

It doesn't surprise me to see increase incidences of grief and despair permeating on our national scene; not when every Sunday families are choosing not to include the ritual of attending church and worshiping the Lord of the universe as part of their weekly regimen.

Choosing not to attend church will leave our moral compasses rusty and useless. No longer able to judge whether we are on the right path we begin searching for any path. 

So much of our grief  can be avoided if only the person causing the pain had made the right choices.  Had the young  teenager caught stealing from the local 7-11  made the decision to remain in his bed instead of sneaking off in the middle of the night would have save himself much grief by staying out of the criminal justice system. 

 So much grief can also be avoided if families would choose to be involved in a brick and mortar church, Sunday after Sunday, attending worship and teaching  their children and being the role models their kids need; instead of looking for other paths of enlightenment.

What is your moral compass set at? Are you heading in the right direction? Are you on the right path?  My decision to accept Jesus Christ in 1974 was the foundation that set my moral compass. It is my prayer that as you enjoy this time with family that you make sure your moral compass is pointing you in the right direction. Doing so will help avoid unwanted grief.

Sometimes to truly understand something we need to put ourselves into the other person's shoes....

7 And she brought forth her firstborn son; and she wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn. Luke 2:7

It seems just moments before when I had drifted off to sleep thinking of the things I was going to do the next day with my friends. We met at a friends home to talk about spring trip plans to the Cayman Islands.  After all, the spring semester had been hard at the academy we attended and all of our parents decided to reward us with free air travel and hotel just so we could unwind. 

I was dreaming of of the flight being served  first class food when suddenly I had this urge to use the bathroom. I tried to sleep through it, but my bladder was full and I knew I couldn't avoid the inevitable of walking up.

 I search for the lamp stand, but didn't find it in the usual location I was  normally accustomed to finding it. I slowly got up and immediately felt a draft of cold air from the window. This didn't seem right to me because my parents always kept the temperature at a comfortable level all through the night, leaving my brothers and sisters to sleep comfortable. 

I slowly stood up while searching for the room light. I thought I felt a string hit the side of my face as I walked and so I naturally reached for it. I happened to pull it downward where immediately I was hit by the harsh light. As the suddenness hit me I realize that this was not the bedroom I was familiar with. Sure there was a bed in this room, but that was where the resemblance ended. My room was much bigger than the room I was presently in. 

My room had a large desk with my computer, my printer, my video gaming system and my large flat screen Samsung television that sat on the wall.  This room had none of that.Nothing matched in this room. Gone were the color coordinated patterns. Gone were the matching blankets. Gone was the spaciousness of my original bedroom. My eyes glanced at the wall and gone were the familiar pictures of friends, or my new car my parents bought me to honor me for successfully making the High school honor society. When I looked around the room I discovered that I no longer had my own room, but I was sharing it with another person. I looked at this sleeping figure and immediately noticed that he wasn't the same skin color as I remembered myself to be. 

That was when I noticed my reflection in the round mirror that hung from the wall of this room. In horror I looked at my hands and discovered they were not the typical Ivory color I was accustomed to seeing, but they were black. I felt my heart racing. I looked down at the sleeping figure and discovered he was the same skin color I found myself to be at this moment. He appeared much younger than I was.

 My eyes darted throughout the room in search of anything that was even remotely looked familiar to me from before. I couldn't find any of my trophy's from my previous year. I couldn't find  my honor society welcoming letter and I couldn't find any pictures of my mom and dad. I wanted to run and hide back under the covers thinking just maybe if I drifted off to sleep I would wake up in the right room and in the right skin color. I had never associated with any black people in my life and now here I am one of them.

 For the first time I began having regrets for the name calling and the taunting I did to the few blacks I did encounter in my life, or the times I remember as a child sticking my tongue out at them as my family walked out of this really nice restaurant and I happened to see this colored family getting into their car  across the street. My mind seemed to go into autopilot with images of what was yet to come as I encounter  this new life.

 I felt a single tear drop falling down my face as I realized I may never see my dad, famed surgeon at the Mayo clinic, or my mom, a biochemist at Medtronics and certainly my friends who I just had dinner with discussing our spring plans to the Cayman Islands. I felt the call to empty my bladder and decided to go in search for the bathroom. As I walked down the much narrower hallway I ever remembered from my other life with it's multiple spacious rooms I heard the voice of an older lady. She had been weeping.

"Michael, is that you?"  

I wasn't sure if that was suppose to be me, but decided to come closer to her so she could see me.

"Michael, it is you. Come closer so I can give you a hug."

Mom had been crying. She had the television, not the familiar high definition Samsung I  was most familiar with, but a simpler smaller flat screen resting, not in a wall mount, but on a stand in the living room.

"Mom," I decided to ask, " Why are you crying?"

Mom reached for a tissue and dabbed at the wetness around her eyes.

"Michael, I just got terminated from my job today".  I thought to myself what is a termination? That was about the most foreign sounding non existent word from my other life.  I never knew my parents losing a job. I always remembered them being promoted into bigger and greater positions and I always remembered when they did we would take a special trip somewhere overseas. 

I looked into my mom's eyes.

"You will get another job mom". I encouraged her.  Mom cried some more as she saw the pictures of her children on the wall. Then I noticed what looked like a memorial picture of a different son with a single candle sitting right by it with a note she had written to him. I glanced at my new skin color and noticed from my reflection that he looked like me. Then I saw the name, hand printed with the words 'in condolence' underneath it.

 I watched my mom's eyes as she lovingly looked at this son's picture. For the first time I felt this heaviness of heart for the son that had died. Tears were now streaming down both cheeks thinking of all the cruelties I had dished out all in the name of fun. I wished I could have taken back all of the harsh words, taken back all of the rocks I had thrown and I wished I could purge from my mind all of the putrid hatred that came out of the mouths of the white supremacists talk radio personalities. For the first time I was now on the receiving end of all that hatred and certainly didn't like it. I gave my mom a hug and let her weep into my shoulder........

Sometimes, to truly understand perspective we must try to put ourselves into the other persons shoes. 

As I focus on that thought it occurred to me that this was what God did when he allowed himself to be born in a manger two thousand years ago to a teenage mom who was ill equipped to be a mom. Through this miracle birth and growing up God got to experience what life was like for ordinary man.  

Through it all he allowed himself to be convicted for something he didn't do, to be tortured at the hands of the Roman guards, nailed to the cross, left to die and be buried and on the 3rd day to take his life back where he appeared to thousands and in the final analysis assured us that Jesus Christ had paid the price for all us to see heaven.  Because of God's ability to put himself in man's shoes He was able to change the course of history.

Just maybe if we all would place ourselves in the shoes of the other person we truly would understand!

Fix our eyes on Jesus, see the big picture.....

12 Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 [a]fixing our eyes on Jesus, the [b]author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12:1-3

In the ancient Jewish times it is said that the Jewish people were picture people. Which explains why as you read the texts why Jesus chose to appeal to them with word pictures. In many ways modern man is the same way.  We want to believe, but we want to be shown why we should believe. Show me God why I should leave what I am doing and follow you. Help me see the big picture.  

People from every walk of life, I believe, want hope for their lives which explains why many of us strive to do good things through out our lives. Good works tends to be our insurance policy so we can tell God to see what great works I have done and surely I am good enough to make it into heaven.  I have this mental image of all of us riding individual elevators toward heaven. The height you go in your individual elevator is determined by the number of good works you do in this life. The problem becomes when you fall just short of the standard set by God such as the words of Romans 3:23 "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God".  Imagine, if you will, the horror if at the end of your life none of your good works were good enough to get you into heaven? The awards you accumulated, the promotions you received and  the church positions you held all were not good enough?

The good news is that God made a provision by sending his son into the world who became the perfect sacrifice to satisfy all of the requirements to enter into heaven. Through Jesus Christ a single door was provided that enabled everyone to pass through without any justification of their own perfection. What is more God knew that we are picture people and when the gospels were written Jesus spoke to us in word pictures so that we will be able to  see.  

In Mary Beth Chapman's book entitled 'Choosing to see' the author writes about a picture that her daughter drew just months before her untimely death that she believe was her daughter reminding her to 'see' the big picture of heaven.  Our family had that similar reminder when our daughter drew a picture of herself looking down on the rest of us just weeks before her untimely death.

I was told in response to my question 'how do we share Christ to a Muslin' to share the word of God through your dreams.  Muslin people are no different from the rest of us in that they are picture people and want to 'see' why they should believe. 

Lastly, I have this mental picture in my mind that heaven is going to be filled with people from all nationalities.  God wants no one to perish.  He wants us to fix our eyes and 'see'Jesus as we read the gospels. I hope this Ray Vanderlaan video will help you see the the gospels in a new light.

From what I could tell last night at Legacy Christian Academy, God does really make all things new again!

28 And we know that to them that love God all things work together for good, even to them that are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Last night my wife and I went back to Legacy Christian Academy to watch as many of Maria's classmates acted in Pride and Prejudice. From I could see as I talked with people God really does make all things new again!

I crossed paths with  Joe who just 7 years ago was in the throes of despair when his wife died from her disease. His wife was their for my wife during her grief journey, praying fervently with her and leaving encouraging pearls of wisdom from God's word that the holy spirit had laid on her heart to share. God made all things new for him when a new Christian lady came into his life.  Joe's son, Jake, was elevated to the rank of Principal to guide this school. This man of God, who refused to compromise God's word, found himself in a new role to guide this school on Christian principles.

Then there were the girls Maria became good friends with during her short stay on earth. Friends, I remember, who were there when we celebrated Maria's earthly birthday parties. Friends who were profoundly impacted when Maria left this place prematurely. Many of her friends were in the play we saw last night.  There was Jillian who had one of the major roles in the play. Then there was Ashley who did an amazing job in that production.  I crossed paths with her dad, one of the people that wasn't afraid to talk to me when I was in the depths of my despair. I could tell from all the moment I walked into that school that no longer did I feel like turning around and running from the previous images I felt shortly after our loss, but I could with a smile on my face enjoy the play with many of her earthly friends.

I learned something else while watching this production and that is the importance of leaning into your grief  and trusting that God knows what he is doing with it. Avoid trying to bury your grief in hopes it will just go away.

Then there is the song posted on this blog. A song sung by Steven Curtis Chapman who God also made all things new again when his daughter Maria left their family prematurely 1 year after our tragedy.

 God really is in the business of making all things new again!

One night I had this dream and in my dream the question of what makes Christianity relevant was answered

24 We should keep on encouraging each other to be thoughtful and to do helpful things.25 Some people have gotten out of the habit of meeting for worship, but we must not do that. We should keep on encouraging each other, especially since you know that the day of the Lord’s coming is getting closer. Hebrews 10:24-25

I had this dream I have to share with you. In my dream I asked the question, 'What is relevant Christianity'.

In my dream there was an open expanse of water of which you could see for miles and miles. On this open expanse, all spread out, were life rafts filled with people. They too were spread out. Occasionally, people would wave to one another. It was a calm and sunny day and people were splashing the water around. This was fine until the weather started getting turbulent and the winds began picking up.

As I looked across the open expanse I could see terror in the eyes of the people in those life rafts. The same people who moments ago were splashing the water around and having fun were now terror stricken and wondering how they would survive the approaching storm.

So often we are more concern about the number of tassels we see on the heads of those around us, or the number of biblical courses they have taken that we forget that relevant Christianity isn't about that, but relevant Christianity is about watching God write your faith story and helping you unfurl it for all the world to see.

Our faith story ought to be brought above the surface where hurting people can see how relevant Christianity really does help someone survive the storm. People are searching for hope in this hopeless world we live in and often that hope is as near as the person they are sitting by in the pew.

We were never meant to be lone rangers telling ourselves that 'I don't need the church, or I can get my bible teaching on-line or watching the church service on the high definition television.

When Maria died in 2007 I decided I would cling to my faith commitment and continue attending my local church week after week, no matter how I felt because I knew that God was going to one day take my horrible journey of loss I was on and use it as my faith story. I knew I needed to attend church just so I might be able to receive an encouraging word from those around me. If you are having a terrible time dealing with grief and loss I encourage you to seek out a local Christian church and like me place one foot in front of the other and keep attending no matter how you feel.

As I watched the video in this post it occurred to me how God individually tailors his message to reach each person at a time. Like two snowflakes each Holy Spirit way of reaching people is different. As unique as our personal testimonies are, together they have a similar message which is how God makes Himself known to  his people.

 If you are in a terrible storm and you do not know if you will survive it I encourage you to listen to some personal testimonies because in their message you will find that hope only can be found in Christ Jesus.

Unresolved grief, according to this researcher, is a risk factor that can contribute to other health problems.

I found this article especially intriguing since I have seen this same evidence in other research studies. What this article suggests is the importance of totally allowing yourself to work through your grief and loss issues. Doing so will help assure better health.

Grief is a risk factor that can contribute to other health problems.

(Photo: Tom Pennington, Getty Images)

STORY HIGHLIGHTS

• How we wrestle with grief varies among individuals
• Experts believe grief is linked to obesity, depression, diabetes, smoking and hospitalization
• There are no easy solutions, but finding support is crucial

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Whether you lose a loved one to disease, war, or a natural disaster like the tornado that tore apart Moore, Okla., last week, grief is the unwanted visitor that comes knocking at your door.

How we wrestle with grief — and ultimately push ahead to a new life — varies among individuals. But many of us who need help to bounce back are not getting it, health experts warn, jeopardizing our mental and physical health.

Toni Miles, director of the Institute of Gerontology at the University of Georgia, is embarking on a research project to find out how loss impacts health and what to do about it.

"Loss creates injury,'' Miles says. "It is a new risk factor for poor health in the public sphere."

Miles suspects grief is behind much of the nation's obesity, depression, diabetes, smoking and hospitalization.

"When you study caregiving, you know (grief) kills people,'' Miles says. "Obesity is also a big problem among caregivers

Finding support can be the key to a person's recovery and acceptance of the loss, says the American Cancer Society. Support can come from friends, physicians, spiritual leaders or mental health professionals. Everyone reacts differently to grief and for different periods of time. There's not one easy solution or answer, Miles says.

Getting the right amount of support is rare, according to a 2004 study on family perspectives on dying in the Journal of the American Medical Association. Lead researcher Joan Teno asked participants "during the last month (of their loved one's life), how much support in dealing with your feelings about a patient's death did the doctors, nurses or other professional staff taking care of him or her provide you: less support than was needed, about the right amount or more attention than you needed?''

Overall, 20% of the family members stated they did not have the right amount of support, and most said they got less support than they needed.

Teno, a professor of health services policy and practice in the Public Health Program at Brown University and a palliative care physician at Home & Hospice Care of Rhode Island, says her research shows families who use hospice at the end of life cope better than those who don't.

Donald Rosenstein, a professor of psychiatry at the University of North Carolina, is charting new territory into the bereavement process of fathers who lose their wives to cancer. He started a first-of-its-kind support group called Single Fathers Due to Cancer Program, part of the UNC Comprehensive Cancer Support Program.

"Everyone has a different reaction to grief,'' Rosenstein says. "We (health care professionals) don't have a lot of good information about how to get people to move on. But these fathers have been been teaching us."

Rosenstein says in addition to learning what the fathers need – how to discipline children by themselves, how long to wear their wedding bands, when is it OK to date, how long to call their in-laws in-laws — they're also learning how to help their children.

"For instance, moms always want to keep fighting and stay alive as long as possible for their families, but we're learning it's important for them to say goodbye," to provide a sense of closure for their families, he says. "We are also learning how much that helps the children and how to have that conversation with children."

Miles agrees that children are especially vulnerable: "Time doesn't heal all wounds,'' she says. "People in public health need to be discussing this topic more. There can be healthy outcomes from loss. It's up to us to help to find ways to make that happen more often and to push for policy that guarantees it."

ADVICE FOR DEALING WITH GRIEF

Grief is a typical reaction to death, divorce, job loss, a move away from family and friends, or loss of anything that is important to you, according to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services:

It can last from several months to several years, and can be accompanied by feelings of guilt, sadness or numbness. It might cause trembling, breathing difficulties and sleeplessness. It is also normal to feel joy and to express humor.

People who don't process their grief can become angry, guilt-ridden and fail to care of their health. Here are the four steps along the way to healing from grief:

• Accept the loss.

• Work through and feel the emotional and physical pain.

• Adjust to living in the world without the person or lost item.

• Move on with life.

For more advice, an online guide to grief and bereavement is available from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.