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Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Mr.Gorbachev, tear down that wall!!


2 Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2


I think most of us can remember that defining moment in one of President Reagan's speeches where he emphatically requested the wall between East and West Berlin be torn down. It was one of those moments where I was proud of our President because he said what everyone else had been thinking, but never could say it the way our President did. So how does this relate to grief?

When we grieve there is this natural tendency to want to isolate our selves. We do so by silently carrying our pain of sorrow without the slightest notion to share with other people.  We become bearer's of our own pain believing that our pain would be too much for others to bear. So, we sit quietly shedding tears when no one else is looking and when someone asks us how we are doing we naturally perk up with the automatic response of "I'am doing great" while deep down inside our stomach is churning from the internal struggle of our emotions.

We have a beautiful back yard filled with lush trees, a heart shaped garden and openness on one side. Before our neighbors behind us decided to put up a fence along our back lot there were many opportunities to interact with them. I had memories of talking to their dad about life and how he liked being a dad. Before their fence went up  we could see his young children playing in  yard. Happy children, oblivious to the ills of the world ,would be swinging and sliding and having fun like children should, but when the fence went up it was as though all communication stopped with them. It had become our Berlin wall.

We still have one side that isn't fenced and for the moment we are happily watching our other neighbor's children playing in our yard. Happy children, oblivious to the ills of the world, playing in the tree fort my kids and I built when they were young.

Openness and honestly should be our model when we are grieving. We need to be honest with ourselves that we need other people in our lives to share our pain.  Isolation simply doesn't work. All it does is lead to problems with drinking and drugs because unless we talk about it we will resort to anything just to cope  with our pain.

Remember, Jesus Christ is our pain bearer we were never meant to carry. God gave his Holy Spirit to believers every where to help those who are in sorrow. The best thing  we can do while we are grieving is  to trust God  that he will guide us through our grief and allow others to come into our lives to share our pain.

The more  we share our pain with others the more likely we will wake up one day with a smile on our face, a spring in our step, and a zeal to get out and enjoy life again..

Friday, June 20, 2014

The importance of making better nutritional choices and exercise can have in helping us process our feelings of sorrow





11 Daniel then said to the guard whom the chief official had appointed over Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael and Azariah, 12 “Please test your servants for ten days: Give us nothing but vegetables to eat and water to drink. 13 Then compare our appearance with that of the young men who eat the royal food, and treat your servants in accordance with what you see.” 14 So he agreed to this and tested them for ten days.
15 At the end of the ten days they looked healthier and better nourished than any of the young men who ate the royal food. 16 So the guard took away their choice food and the wine they were to drink and gave them vegetables instead.
17 To these four young men God gave knowledge and understanding of all kinds of literature and learning. And Daniel could understand visions and dreams of all kinds.



Why am I writing about this topic? I learned that when we grieve we gravitate to the junk food we grew use to eating as a child when we were sad. Remember those times when you came in door crying because of a scrape and your mom would wipe those sad eyes before giving you a cookie to make you feel better? You learned that feeling good was only a cookie away. The problem with this logic is that every time you hurt you eat something sweet which spirals into a weight problem. As we enter our season of mourning there is the real possibility that unless we are consciously aware of it our weight will go up and as it goes up the more lethargic we will become and the less productive our lives will be and the more depressed we will be.

Shortly after losing our daughter one of the first things the Chaplain told us was to make sure we continue drinking water. At first, I thought this was a strange thing for him to say. I mean he could have said to seek help and support when we hurt, but to say we should drink a lot of water seemed odd. As I reflected on that statement I soon learn that water is a essential life giving ingredient that keeps our bodies healthy. The Chaplain understood that we still had a family to raise, careers to maintain, and bills to pay and he understood that any breakdown in our daily intake of water could jeopardize those things. 


I found that it is in the initial period of the shock of our loss that we want to just give up. We sleep way too much because its the only thing that allows us to escape the pain we are in. Sleep allows us to travel back in time to a period when our loved one was alive. Sleep becomes our solace and we want that in our lives. When we are awake we eat for comfort.
 We are drawn to the sweet cookies, pastries, high sodium chips, pizzas or any other thing we remember eating as a kid when overwhelming feelings of sadness consumed us

 There were three things this speaker said in his presentation on food: (1) people who lived a long time ago would never recognize what we are eating as food, (2) When a Swiss born pastry chef moved to America she was told to add more sugar to her recipes because 'American's like their pastries sweet. Lastly, he said that when Japanese tourists come to America and sit down to American size meal portion sizes their eyes light up because they were never use to these sizes in Japan.

From this video you soon see that there is a relationship between what our bodies consume and our ability to feel healthy. The better you are able to feel from a health stand point the better you will be able to process the painful feelings of  grief that are consuming you. Everyone should maintain a pattern of exercise, whether it is a simple walk around the block, or working out at a health club. It doesn't really matter because as long as you  keep moving you will be consuming calories.

Finally, please remember that the feelings that are presently consuming you following your loss are your normal feelings for the love you felt for the person you lost. Those feelings are temporary. Things will get better, but on a timetable that is as unique as the love you had for the person who died.

In the meanwhile, continue your daily requirements of water, make healthier food choices, and include a daily dose of exercise to your regimen. Lastly, tell your story over and over to trusted listeners as often as you need to because it will allow you to process those emotions that are bottling up inside you.

Water will sustain you. Proper food choices will maintain you. Exercise and talking about your loss will allow you to expel the stress hormones that are trapped inside.

Friday, June 13, 2014

“My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.” ― Maya Angelou




4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
Ecclesiastes 3:4



This has been a good week. We honored the loss of our loved one with tears of sorrow, eating a picnic lunch at her cemetery, having a quiet time with plenty of prayer and then seeing the improvements they made to the cemetery with the addition of the white flagpole and old glory flying at the top and the new black wrought iron fence to replace the previously one that was showing signs of rust.

Then a couple of nights ago I got together with 3 very funny friends over a supper at the Olive Garden in Burnsville, Minnesota. I found once again how healing it is to laugh and not take oneself too seriously. Ecclesiastes 4:4 talks about the importance of laughter right after it talks about 'a time to weep'.

It is as though laughter is God's way of reminding us to enjoy life because He is in control. He alone will guide you through whatever grief you might be going through and as he does that things people say will make you smile, then laugh.

One of the guys I got together that night does stand-up comedy which is part of his many talents. Linda and I first met Joe Lovitt when they were part of our Homebuilder's Sunday school class. It was always a joy to talk with Joe because he had the uncanny ability to turn the things that all of us take too seriously and turn it into something that makes us laugh.

As I laughed that evening over supper I was reminded about what heaven will be like. Because there will be no more tears, no more sorrow there will be plenty of laughter. As Christians we have plenty of reasons to laugh. The King of kings and Lord of lords has overcome the world. We know the outcome to this story called life. So pull up a chair and watch this very entertaining humor clip starring Joe Lovitt. We got plenty of life to live to prepare for the celebrating and laughing that will go on in heaven!








Tuesday, June 10, 2014

The 7 year anniversary of our grief has arrived


Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. . .And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. - excerpts from 1 Corinthians 13:4-13



It was in the early morning hours that my wife came in to wake up our daughter to see if she needed her pain medication. We purposely withheld  her pain medication to prevent the side effects of over medication. My wife said Maria had a smile and at first she thought that she was joking around, but when she wouldn't wake up she grew frantic, called her brother from downstairs who was trained on resuscitation efforts as a physical therapist before heading to the phone and making the one call no parent wants to make in response to their child. 

The light went on in our bedroom and at first I thought it was time to get up, but as I walked out to the hallway and saw CPR being applied to our 10 year old daughter I knew this was anything but ordinary. The tsunami of our grief was beginning The flood gate of sorrow opened when the Chaplain came out and said they tried everything they could, but the Emergency Response team were unable to revive Maria. The next morning the people in our church learned first hand when our music minister announced the tragic news to them. The flood gate of sorrow had hit them as well.

Every parent who has ever lost a child knows that this type of loss is uncharged territory. Nothing prepares you for going through this sort of loss. We understand how to bury our parents. We find others after such a loss to meet up with who will console us when a parent or grandparent dies. But when we tell people that we have lost a child we find fewer people who understand this type of loss, or want to be on this journey with us. Simply, your address book gets rewritten with the subtraction of friends you thought would be there for you and the addition of people you never knew who surprisingly have come along your side to ride this grief out with you.

What I learned with this type of grief is it isn't going to be easy. I now know that after 7 years of remembering our daughter and feeling the sorrow that recovery is possible. You may never be the same person you were before your child died, but God will meet your needs where you are at and he alone will assure that you  recover.

I concluded that God never intended for my child to die, but because we live in a imperfect world of medicine she did. If you have recently suffered the loss of a child I encourage you to seek wise counsel from a trusted therapist who can help guide you during this pariod. I also encourage you to do what my family did which was to cling on to the promises of God and continue attending  church, one Sunday at a time. Don't keep this type of grief under a rock, but share it with friends so they know how to support you in such a time as this. 

As I look back I am grateful for our New Hope Church Mn congregation for the outpouring of love we felt from those we interact with following the church  services to the friends we have through the Home Builders mini congregation. Thank you for being there for us!  

Later today Linda and I will be making a trip to her grave site located in NowThen, Minnesota where I suggested we bring a couple of outdoor fold up chairs and each of us can have a quiet time in this peaceful, serene environment. My son will travel up there when he gets off work. I expect there will be tears shed with occasional triggers of grief, but I also expect we will feel a overwhelming sense of peace knowing that Maria is in Heaven experiencing all of the benefits of a place that awaits us.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Here I am Lord, send me


The Lord called Samuel a third time; he got up, went to Eli, and said, “You called me, and here I am.”Then Eli realized that it was the Lord who was calling the boy, 9 so he said to him, “Go back to bed; and if he calls you again, say, ‘Speak, Lord, your servant is listening.’” So Samuel went back to bed. 10 The Lord came and stood there, and called as he had before, “Samuel! Samuel!”Samuel answered, “Speak; your servant is listening.” 1 Samuel 3


We helped several families, yesterday, to celebrate the high school graduations of their children. It was a joy filled day as we looked at pictures of their child, their child's accomplishments, and hearing about their future plans. At one open house I had a short, but good conversation with a retired Pastor. Through his story I was reminded how important it is to hear God's voice.
He had been retired for some time after years of teaching and doing carpentry work when one of his daughters came to him and mentioned that she wished he would be happy again. He took those words to heart and the next thing he knew he was going where the Lord sent him. He talked about being a Pastor to a baptist congregation in Howard Lake, Minnesota and then ministering in the upper Michigan. I got the sense that his joy filled happiness return to him because the Lord was once again using him. 

For those of us in grief it is easy to feel defeated and unplug ourselves from the Lord's power supply because of the pain we feel in the moment. We believe the false lie that we are no good to God because of the loss we suffered. We believe the prosperity gospel lie that our loved one wouldn't have died had we done a better job looking after them. 

We cope with that pain by sleeping too much, eating too much, eating the wrong foods, and avoiding the activities that would lead to a joy filled life. I learned through this brief conversation with this pastor that no matter what we have been through God wants to use you as part of his bigger picture.  The pain you are feeling today will become part of your faith story that will bring salvation and joy to a life of a person who knows no such hope tomorrow.

 Often I think we try to engage God in a tug of war contest. It is doing what I want to do verses doing what God desires us to do. We can tug all day long and have nothing to show for it but sore hands, calluses and a tired out body, or we can listen to God's voice and do what he desires for our life. The latter will often lead to a happier joy filled life! 

So, embrace your pain you are feeling today and trust God by leaning into him because God will one day use that pain to lead others to the free gift of salvation.

Friday, June 6, 2014

One life touches other lives




14 For this reason I fall on my knees before the Father, 15 from whom every family in heaven and on earth receives its true name. 16 I ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves, 17 and I pray that Christ will make his home in your hearts through faith. I pray that you may have your roots and foundation in love, 18 so that you, together with all God's people, may have the power to understand how broad and long, how high and deep, is Christ's love. 19 Yes, may you come to know his love—although it can never be fully known—and so be completely filled with the very nature of God. Ephesians 3:14

This morning I was thinking of my favorite movie of all time.'Its a wonderful Life' has been a time honored tradition in our family as long as I can remember. A story about George Bailey discovering that while he was going through hard times he still had friends praying for him.  He was wealthy not because he had material possessions, but he was wealthy because he had many friends he had helped over the years. 

People in the throes of their grief often feel alone, defeated as though God had abandoned them. Yet, what they do not see are the people praying for them. When a family loses a child it is quite common for folks who aren't use to praying to pray for them.

If only those who are hurting could see the power of those prayers flowing up to heaven. If only they could see God's hand in orchestrating the events to help that person heal!  That is the awesome beauty of being part of God's family where we can experience the prayers of many people in our time of need and where we can pray for others just entering their own valley.  

Prayer is a time honored tradition established when God paid the penalty of our sin through his son Jesus Christ.  Although Christ rose again from the dead and established  himself on heaven's throne He gave us his holy spirit which reminds us that He is as close a  simple prayer.

No matter where you are in your grief you are not alone knowing that you have God in heaven hearing the prayers of many strangers and friends on your behalf.  You are rich, not because of a 6 digit portfolio, but you re rich because of what Jesus did for you on the cross and because of the  prayers of many.






Tuesday, June 3, 2014

We are God's instruments design to bless the body of Christ


but present yourselves to God as being alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God. 14 For sin shall not have dominion over you, for you are not under law but under grace. Romans 6:12b


One of the most valuable lessons I have learned out of our families personal tragedy is how God orchestrates His people to help us recover from those personal crisis's.

Ever been to a orchestra concert? Most of us have. As you sit and listen to quality of the sounds coming from the stage you are likely impacted by how these different sounds come together to make a music masterpiece. Taking each piece separately doesn't have the same impact as hearing the combined efforts of all the pieces. A tuba doesn't quite have the same impact if played alone, but a tuba in a well placed bass section offers just the right notes at just the right time in the musical piece.


So it is in God's kingdom. We might think we are truly alone in this universe when bad things happen to us, but little do you know that God is sending members of the body of Christ to minister to us at just the right time and just the right place. We do not necessarily see it, but behind the scenes He is finding just the right person at just the right time with just the right talents to minister to the needs that you have at that moment.


God truly does love you. Two thousand years ago he sent his son to die on the cross for your sins. He paved a way for grace (God's riches at Christ expense) to come into your life. As we dwell on God's grace ask him to use you as an instrument of that grace. Then sit back and watch God place that instrument in His mighty orchestra ready to be used at just the right time to minister to the needs of others at just the right moment.

Now that is beautiful music music in God's Kingdom!