Families who lose a child need to know that others care and love them...

American's are not very good when it comes to grieving. We tend to run from our grief by burying ourselves in work so we do not have the time to think of it.  If  traumatic grief occurs we are more apt to sell our home and leave our communities  where we have established friendships and move far away from the emotional triggers of grief.  We're more apt to file divorce to get away from the emotional triggers than make a commitment to counseling to work through the grief.

We treat others who are grieving by attempting to get their minds off of their grief by telling a funny story or changing he subject.   I heard the story from a friend who said that just a  few days after their loss the school chaplain where their kids attended sent an e mail to all of the families asking them not to call them because all of their needs were being met by their church. This friend told the chaplain and the principal that this was not their wish and he didn't seem to understand why it was  wrong to send that e mail. The sad reality was not one family had contacted them that summer to express their condolences to them.  In essence, the actions on the part of the school chaplain at the time caused their family unintended harm as they were forced to grieve in isolation and at the same time the e mail prevented the families an opportunity for healing of their own grief.

When a family loses a loved one the last thing they need is complete silence.  They need friends to rally around them and take turns to spend time with them. They need families to invite the surviving children over to their homes for a movie and pizza night where just for one night their children can experience fun in their lives.  One family these friends spoke with said that they never called because they assumed based on the e mail that they didn't want any calls. 

If there are any school chaplains out there I would encourage you to first consult with the families before you send any hastily worded  e mails to the school families. Families who experience the loss of a child need to know that other families care and love them. Wishing the phones would ring and living a daily drudgery of stone dead silence only prolongs the painful grief process.