At a retirement celebration of my wife's former co-worker, I had a conversation with this former co-workers daughter, now a school psychologist on childhood trauma

Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him For the help of His presence. Psalm 42:5

Yesterday, my wife and I attended a retirement party for a good friend and teacher for over 30 years at Meadow Creek Christian School/Legacy Christian Academy.

 I also knew this teacher and have memories of sitting in school conferences with Merry to hear the academic accomplishments of our two children  Merry had two daughters who coincidentally have dedicated their careers to children-one works as a School Psychologist in Seattle, Washington while the other is working with children caught in the cycle of familial systems abuse.  The person I spoke with who works as a School Psychologist I will refer to as Rebecca.  There is something else you should understand about these sisters.

Both sisters were several years older than our children and both would watch and 'entertain' our children in the Meadow Creek school library as their 'moms would finish up with their daily teacher responsibility. Both sisters knew our daughter Maria and both experience grief with her sudden unexpected passing.

Rebecca and I spent considerable time talking about childhood trauma and how it impacts the cognitive-behavioral processes of the children directly impacted by it.  We both agreed that far too little is being done to help these children cope with trauma based losses, and we both agreed that there is often long-term damage done to the cognitive-behavioral center of the brain of these children because of the insufficient help many do not receive. 

 I have learned from reading different life stories of Adults directly impacted by trauma that many will struggle with legal problems, drinking, doing drugs, having fits of anger that causes marital problems and break-ups.  

Rebecca agreed with my assessment that many children impacted by trauma will have difficulty focusing on classroom work, completing assignments, have increase acting out behaviors with still many dropping out of school all because insufficient professional support is being provided. 

 In one example,  a friend shared the story of his wife's loss of her very good friend at the hands of a drunk driver.  He described briefly how it impacted her husband and his kids- he said that one son has been in and out of jail.  Prior to her loss, their family was very involved in Church and his wife was head of Mops ( Mothers of Preschoolers).

Based on his story and knowing what I know about trauma, I can only imagine that each of them were severely impacted by the loss of their mom and wife- the loss of a child's parental influence upsets the entire order of what these kids needed and impacts them on a cognitive/behavioral and even on a neuro-structural level of children.  It is as though their brain is forever stuck in the flight-fight response- which is ok if you're being chased by a bear, but what happens if there is no bear?

The initial trauma event may take seconds to complete, but the long term damaging effects will often grow exponentially unless proper measures are taken to help our children heal.   Rebecca said we must accept the reality that trauma must be dealt with by lovingly embracing children's traumatic events by validating what is going on in their lives.  Instead of telling them to just focus on 'happy' thoughts we need to come alongside them using games and play to help them process the pain when a loss occurs. 

We need to stop protecting these children thinking that if we take their minds off of their trauma they will heal- we forget that these children go home at night to a house that is void of the love and support they once got from the loved one who is no longer there.

In order to  make sure our younger generation grows up cognitively, behaviorally and emotionally healthy then we must figure out ways of addressing childhood trauma as it occurs; one way is to accept the reality that dealing with trauma isn't simply meeting with these children one time and asking if 'everything's Ok' and depending on the response  we move on. 

 Helping children process their trauma-based losses takes time and may even take years simply because each family member that suffered that loss reacts to trauma in very different, sometimes opposite ways.

There is hope.  If people will learn not to run away from places that  trigger their trauma by placing one foot in front of the other, trusting God by going to church, not missing a Sunday, and finding an outlet for their pain such as writing in a journal, drawing or painting, or finding someone willing to listen to them as many times as it takes to process their pain, then healing will come and things will get better, but at a timetable that is unique for the one affected by trauma.

Today, my wife and I continue to worship at New Hope Church in New Hope, Minnesota- a place we had memories of bringing our deceased daughter to her Sunday school classes.  In the beginning of our loss, it was painful attending this Church, but as we leaned into our grief while processing that trauma, those former painful memories dissipated while joy was renewed!