My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, James 1:19
Sadly, most American's are strongly discouraged from the outward expression of their deep internal feelings from loss. We discourage others from going there with their pain when we tell them to 'get over it', 'trust in God', 'stay busy', or 'it's been 6 months and you should be over it by now.' Most of us, unless we are encouraged to express our internal feelings of loss will prolong their healing.
I spent the day taking in the information presented by Dr. Erica H. Sirrine,LCSW about Grief and loss over the lifespan. She was a very entertaining speaker that kept me captivated throughout the day. I think it would be pertinent to share how children grieve.
Grief is different depending on the age of the person. She reminded us that the frontal cortex isn't fully developed until the age of 24.
Dr. Sherrine stated that she wishes all schools, public, private, charter, would do a better job addressing the grief issues in children. Many of them do a good job bringing in crisis counselors in the initial impact of the loss, but those efforts fall short of what truly is needed in the long run. There is even a hint that many kids who are diagnosed with ADHD may simply be dealing with unprocessed grief.
I think the information on how children grieve over the life span is a good starting point toward helping you to understand the nature of this problem and how to address it.
Here are a definition of terms. I hope this give you a guideline to help your children when death enters your family.
Grief--is our internal response or the deep sorrow in us.
Mourning-- is our external response or the outward expression of deep sorrow.( the goal is to express our grief outward where healing will take place.
Universality refers to the understanding that all living things must eventually die
Irreversibility refers to the understanding that once the physical body dies it cannot be made alive again.
Nonfunctionality refers to the understanding that once a living thing dies all of the typical life-defining capabilities of the living physical body (e.g., walking, eating, hearing, seeing, thinking, and learning) cease.
Causality. Unlike the other three components, there is no consensus as to the definition of Causality. However, collectively, the various approaches suggest that Causality involves an abstract and realistic understanding of the external and internal events that might possibly cause an individual's death. "Abstract" refers to the fact that the causes specified are not restricted to particular individuals or events but are classes of causes which are applicable to living things in general. "Realistic" refers to the fact that the causes specified are generally accepted by mature adults as valid causes of death.
Previously, it was thought that real young children do not grieve. The research reverses that original thought.
Between infancy and the age of two their responses will consist of :
*Will sense a change in Environment Will Respond to a change in schedule
* Will sense emotional reaction of caregivers
* Change in sleep patterns
* Change in elimination patterns
Between the ages of 2-5, they begin experiencing the impact of loss when their behavior changes:
* Limited understanding of irreversibility, non-functionality, and causality
*Exhibit magical thinking
*Short attention span
*Regressive behaviors
*Changes in eating or toileting
*Sleep disturbances
*Somatic complaints and symptoms
*Fear
*Guilt
By the time they reach the elementary age (6-10), children will exhibit problems in the classroom through difficulty concentrating, changes in their grades, aggressive, anger, or acting out behaviors, and sleep disturbances. Children at this age will understand irreversibility and causality. Children in this age will experience somatic complaints and fears.
Interestingly, this is the age that many will describe as 'simply too young to understand grief'.
By the time children reach late elementary to middle school range (10-12) they will understand universality. This is also the age where egocentrism begins where they may death as a punishment, may express concern about how death will impact them personally, and may begin to conceal emotions from peers and caregivers. They may also develop a fear of eventually forgetting the person who died.
Between ages 13-18 children will understand death on an adult level, experience a major life transition prior to experiencing the death, have increased questions about Spirituality, some may assume the family roles of the person who died, will often conceal emotions, may lack peer support, have difficulty concentrating, and have changes in sleep patterns.
From ages 13 to 18 plus, they will experience change in grades, change in sleep patterns, experience bodily complaints, have increased aggression, experience depression/anhedonia, experience changes in personality, experience changes in eating pattern, may experience drug and or alcohol use, experience sexual promiscuity, experience rebellion and lastly may experience suicidal thoughts.
There are signs to watch out for children: Clinical depression, suicidal ideation or attempts, self-mutilation, excessive risk-taking, the apparent lack of avoidance of emotion, withdrawal from family and friends and illegal behavior.
Children were asked what they wished adults knew about their grief. Here were some of their responses:
*Let me talk to you and others about the person who died
*Even though time passes, it sometimes feels like the death happened just moments ago
*I get angry easily because the death has changed me.
*I am entitled to feel angry and sad at times
*I get distracted in class by thinking about the death
*I feel guilty for many things
*I loved the person who died the most
*Sometimes I hate living with you.
*I think I am coping better than some adults
*Please consider my feelings when you think about remarriage after one of my parents died
*I'm hurt and it seems like you don't care.
*It's not easy to grieve
*The family should be getting closer but it seems like we are growing apart
I Wish......
*I was there when the person died.
*I could hear the person's voice again
*I could talk to the person who died again.
*It all never happened
*the person who died was still here to give me wisdom
* It was me who died.
Finally, I discovered that children do grieve and are profoundly affected by that loss. For our schools to make assumptions that kids are too little to understand grief and act as though nothing out of the ordinary happened and not try to address it is presumptuous and unwise because each unresolved loss builds on the future losses in their life.
Our goal as parents, administrators, and caring adults ought to be to create ways of helping our deeply hurting children to express the internal sad feelings of their loss. If we teach our children that it is Okay to talk about the sad feelings inside us we might see fewer behavior problems, expression of anger, better grades, and the ability to connect with others around them.
That, to me, is a win-win.
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