Oh thee why those emotional triggers? Why thou do they happen at moments you least expect them?

2 My Father’s house has room to spare. If that weren’t the case, would I have told you that I’m going to prepare a place for you? 3 When I go to prepare a place for you, I will return and take you to be with me so that where I am you will be too. John 14:2-3

My son is home for Spring break. While some of his friends traveled south to enjoy the warmth he decided to come home for some much needed R & R and just hang out with the family.

 In honor of his successful finish of some difficult exams my lovely bride of 26 years and I decided to take him out to eat. The place we decided on was the Baker's Square on Round Lake Blvd in Coon Rapids, Minnesota.

Over the years this place became the scene of many meals out with our growing children. As a dad I remembered the fun times of young children giggling and as they matured having plenty of conversations about the day. I remembered watching  and coloring with our children on the paper place mats and enjoying conversations about their day.

When my wife was the school librarian at Meadow Creek Christian school I would often meet them there for supper. It was a place that served comfort food and 'yes' pie.  After the loss of our daughter this place took on  more of a surreal feel that wasn't quite like the place I knew  when our daughter was alive. 

In the beginning, each time I drove by this place I would have 'triggers' that would pop up that for the moment would bring back a cascading flood of emotions and memories and for me the what if's from the evening she passed away; until, that is when I was reminded of the words of my friend, "you made the best decision possible with the information you were given at the time."  

On this evening I sat across from my son. Directly in front of my line of vision sat two young ladies, one of which appeared to be Hispanic, approximately 18 and in my mind a spitting image of our daughter Maria.  Maria would have been a senior at what is now called Legacy Christian Academy and I am sure would have been, like our son, involved in all of the usual activities of college tours, SAT preparations, high school classes and just hanging with her friends.  She would have been on the side lines rooting for her two friends playing girl's varsity basketball. We would have been communicating with the parents of these girls sharing common memories.

 When she died unexpectedly it was as though this huge iron floodgate slowly closed out all contact with the outside world that knew us as a family of four and silence would set in as the big elephant of grief sits down in the room. We know it's there, but no one knows what to do about it.

In another moment in time I remembered, shortly after my cousin Craig died unexpectedly, filling up at a gas station in North East Minneapolis ( the area he lived) and just as I was about to pay for my gas I glanced at a bench outside the station and seeing a heavy set man who was a dead ringer( no pun intended) for my cousin. He looked like he was waiting to board a bus with his suitcase beside him.

In still another moment I remember eating in a restaurant with my wife and in the corner of my eye sat a 80 year old gentleman eating dinner with his family and of course, he looked very much like my dad.

When a loved one dies we all at some point have these trigger moments where the one who died lives out in a person who looked like them. When these moments occur we have no choice but to ride the emotions created like a surfer learns to ride the waves. We learn to enjoy the memory of our loved one through the person we see. 

I remember the words of Pastor Greg, the one who was there at our home that evening reminding us that there are plenty of 'little Maria's' who will remind you of your own. He was in a way preparing us for those triggers that would no doubt occur in the coming days, weeks and even years.

In the beginning of our loss it was hard riding each of every trigger, but as we traveled our  grief journey  those once painful triggers became joy filled moments of remembering our loved one and the great times we had with her. It was as though God was reminding me that we do not have to worry about our loved one.Her mission is complete, but mine continues. Life is indeed worth living, even in the face of unspeakable tragedy.

Now I could have said no to all of these places we once enjoyed, but that would be giving in to the pain and suffering of my loss. If I give in then every time I pass by a place that reminds me of my loved one the pain will still be there and my recovery will take longer. 

By continuing to eat at this particular Baker Square our family is creating new memories. If my journey is worth any weight in gold it is that we ought to ride the emotions of our trigger moments by continuing to enjoy the places we frequented with the one who died. Riding those emotions, like a surfer, helps us to heal from the pain of that loss.

.Because he lives in each of us He is riding the storm with us and as he does so healing will come as new memories are created in the places we visited with the person no longer present.