For better or for worse marriage is for a lifetime. Many of us recited that phrase in our actual ceremony without anticipating the worse. The odds were that the moment we fell in loved it was with the intent that our life together would bring fulfillment of dreams: life in the suburbs, a nice yard for the kids to play in, a double car garage to hold the cars we love to drive and simply a desire to have a friend to love and who will love us all the days of our life.
But, we never anticipate the worst. I know I certainly didn't. I never anticipated that after just 8 years of having our adopted daughter, Maria, that we would lose her suddenly and tragically. I never anticipated that my wife and I would be raising our son through his formative middle and high school years while grieving for the loss of our daughter, but grieving we did. I never anticipated the recessional cycles that would bring layoffs, decrease income with increased utility costs.
There is nothing more that takes it toll on a marriage than disappointments in life. Broken dreams, death of a child, loss of a career you strove so hard to pursue, or the loss of some other significant loved one are some of the things that can tilt he marriage into instability.
Over the years I have witnessed friends who I thought would never divorce do so. The rallying cry that is heard from couples in turmoil is irreconciable differences. A term that is often heard from trial lawyers at the late hours many couple find it hard to fall asleep. Two things you can always count on watching at that hour are trial lawyers advertising how precious their services are to you and infomercials on fly by night schools advertising degree completion in as little as 5 weeks.
I have learned in my grief journey that there is no such thing as forgiveness in the eyes of an attorney. I learned that through my own personal encounter with one when one attorney told me to not pursue forgiveness 'just in case' one day the evidence suddenly shifts to a open and shut case.
Many of them want you to hang onto the vile and the poisons that drove the wedge in your marriage because many want to profit off of your pain. For example, in a contested divorce the average legal cost can run up to 15,000 or more. Divorce isn't cheap.By the same token the average cost for marriage counseling runs from a low end of 75.00 to 100.00 per hour with the total topping off at the 1200.00 mark.
The reality is it is a w hole lot less expensive to work on your marriage through counseling than it is to hire an expensive attorney and see your expenses run up to 15,000, or beyond.
We live in a do it yourself era. An era where people will attempt to work on their marital differences on their own. You wouldn't try to perform open heart surgery on yourself, would you? So why would you mess with trying to put your marriage back together without trained professional therapist to help guide you through the process. These dedicated men and woman are skilled and trained to guide you through all of the pit mines that creep up during the process of therapy so neither one of you are tempted to throw in the towel.
Why take the risk and do the self therapy approach to marriage restoration just so you could save some money while winding up paying up toward 15,000 to an attorney in a contested divorce? The professional counseling my wife and I received in the aftermath of grief continue to pay dividends long after the therapy ended. Occasionally, I will hit a wall with our grief, but remember what the therapist said to me and like the guy in the V8 commercial go " wow, that really made sense."
If you recently lost a child and are noticing the two of you grieving so differently please go easy on your marriage. For a little while you will notice the two of you traveling on two very different pathways, but in time as you each work through your marriage will wind up on the same path again. When we enter marriage we do so with our eyes wide open. When our daughter died I had a conversation with my son one Sunday morning before church. His eyes were sad thinking of his sister and then he asked me the most important question I had heard coming out of his mouth, "Dad, do we really need to go to church? I do not feel like it"
Sensing this was a holy moment I knew I must not mess up I said, " Son, you know I do not feel like going to church, and you mom certainly doesn't feel like going to church and we could all stay home, but then we would deprive ourselves of the opportunity for a kind word from strangers, a word from the Pastor and the friendship from our friends." My son sat quietly before getting ready for church. He saw in his dad that I wasn't going to quit on him even in the face of the most painful crisis of his life.
When in crisis do what I did and turn your face to the Lord of lords and the King of kings and ask him to guide you through whatever crisis you may be having and he will firmly plant your feet on the right path.
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