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Saturday, January 19, 2013

President Lincoln and his wife Mary Todd were no stranger to grief


Arguably it can be said that Abraham Lincoln will go down in history as the greatest President this country has ever had because of the Civil war and how he lead this country back to unity.  Lincoln's greatest accomplishment was the passage of the 13th amendment outlawing slavery and involuntary servitude in the face of great animosity and threats that he was behaving like a dictator. There is another reason I admire Abraham and Mary Todd Lincoln. They are also text book examples of what can happen when the grief of losing a child happens to a couple.

Abe and Mary Todd lost not just one child, but  3 children: Edward (Eddie) Baker Lincoln: Born March 10, 1846 in Springfield, Illinois. Eddy died quite young in Springfield, Illinois on February 1, 1850 from pulmonary tuberculosis. He was only 4 at the time of his death. Their second son, Willie, died at the age of 11 on Febuary 20, 1862 from Typhoid fever.

When Willie died they did not get a lot of support from the Washington establishment when insensitive comments like "at least you got to be with your son when he died."  Their son, Tad, died at 18 from tuberculosis. He was shown in the movie as an 11 year old dressed in a children's military uniform and riding a small cart attached to a young pony riding through the white house.May the record also show that  when Mary Todd was only 6 years old her mom died and despite her dad remarrying almost immediately to another woman  who would become her mother she never attached to this woman's  effort to raise her.

Grief can be such a  powerful emotion that we forget it's impact on the our psychological state. One scene from the Lincoln movie showed Mary Todd sitting in a darken room looking at the picture of her deceased son and weeping. In another scene Abraham Lincoln tells his son Robert not to enlist because he cannot bear the thought of losing him.  Against their wishes Robert enlists and rose to the status of Captain . In another scene showing President Lincoln and Mary riding in the horse drawn carriage back to the white house when Abraham acknowledge  to his wife that they had been sad far too long.  Only those who have lost a child truly understand the emotions behind those comments.

Historians had not been kind to Mary Todd Lincoln often referring to her as 'crazy' and 'insane' without necessarily connecting the dots and realizing that this couple had to bury 3 children. In those days there certainly was not the documented literature on the topic of child loss as there is today.  There are lessons we can learn from this couple. One, losing a child creates very real emotions in us that need to be processed.  Second, there is a need to be able to tell our story of  loss over and over again with people we can trust. Thirdly, before we come to any conclusions about a person's mental state we must first be willing to walk in their shoes. We will find when we do that President Lincoln and his wife, Mary Todd did the very best given the tragic losses handed to them and contrary to popular opinion at the time they did not lose those children because of bad parenting.

When President Lincoln was shot while watching the theater production it was said that Mary Lincoln emotionally died that night with her husband. The loss of 3 son's along with the tragic loss of her husband had become too much for her to cope on her own.

We are in many ways fortunate to live in the age we do with all of the available services to help us process our grief.  The loss of a child does not have to be the end of the world for us. Getting involved in grief groups and finding a place to worship and fellowship with others can be the beginning to healing.  Because of what Christ Jesus did for us we have a Savior who wants to walk with us on our forlorn journey whatever that may be.

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