Show me your ways, Lord,
teach me your paths.
5 Guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.Psalm 25:5
Every once in a while, I find a book that is worth reading and re-reading. I find Dr. Stephen's style of writing very captivating and engaging on this whole subject of understanding male grief. As a result, I will be writing on my takeaway on this subject on this blog. I hope this puts into perspective an understanding that when traumatic grief happens you will know that the men and boys in your life are responding to their grief, not because they are from the planet Pluto, but because they are men.
In this next chapter, Dr. Stephens begins describing one young man, paralyzed in a surfing accident responding to the nurse who said "He was lucky to be alive" with " Why..why can't I feel anything?"Twenty-five years have passed since 'Ron's' accident, but he refuses to give up. Ron speaks across the country, determined to make a difference, touch lives with his story and give hope to hurting hearts. He insists that nothing is wasted in God's plan. Everything works together for good.
Dr. Stephens describes Ron as one of the most positive people he every met. His wounds hurt, but his attitude soars. Ron says, "My ministry is bout changed attitudes and changed lives."
Dr/ Stephens offers up this quote from Dale Galloway, " In the final analysis, it is your attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you. When we are severely wounded, any mention of "positive attitude seems forced and shallow. Dr. Stephens describes negativity as a whirlpool that can easily pull you into it's vortex and drown you in its darkness. The following are some basic facts about negativity:
1. Negativity comes naturally. It's a reflex reaction to pain. The more extensive our wounds, the stronger and more long lasting our negative mindset will be.
2. Negativity makes us feel worse.It can intensify our pain and can trap us in the dark hole od depression.
3.Negativity pushes people away. Most people steer clear of those who are consistently downbeat, negative or cynical. It distances us from the people we need the most.
4. Negativity keeps us from healing. When we think positively, we search for help and focus on hope. But, negativity keeps us focused on our wounds. It exaggerates our pain.
He offers up this quote from James Means who wrote Courage in Crisis, " The very fire that blackens my horizons warms my soul. The darkness that oppresses my mind sharpens my vision.The flood that overwhelms my heart quenches my thirst. The thorns that penetrate my flesh strengthens my spirit. The grave that buries my desires deepens my devotion."
Finding a positive in the midst of the firefight gives us hope.
Dr.Stephens describes the intentionality of finding the positive.by describing the need of putting our battle plans into action. Successful soldiers know that battles are frequently lost or won in the mind. Although we cannot control our past wounds or our current circumstances or the people around us, we can control our attitude. Dr. Stephens describes the difference between negative versus positive self-talk:
Negative Self-talk: Positive Self Talk:
1. God is punishment 1.God Loves me
2, I deserve this 2.With God all things are possible
3. Life is unfair 3. God wants the best for me
4. I hate myself 4. God will strengthen me
5.Nothing ever changes 5.This world is temporary
6.I am trapped 6.I am never trapped
7.There is no hope 7.I can be content regardless of circumstances
The earlier life of the famous author who penned Out of Africa and Winter Tales was filled with deep wounds when her father committed suicide when she was ten, her husband was continuously unfaithful and gave her syphilis which had no cure at the time,and they were divorced after 11 years and the next man she was married to was killed in a plane crash. In her quote, she writes," I think these difficult times have helped me to understand better than before how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way,"
PURSUE OPTIMISM: Actively seek what is good and positive, chase it down, don't let it escape. An optimist is someone who embraces the following practices:
1.See the best. We look for the good in every person we meet and every situation we face.
2.Believe the best: If we anticipate the best, there's a chance it will happen. We are reminded that this is the core of our faith. In a quote by Pamela Reeves, " Faith is...reliance on the certainty that God has a pattern for my life when everything becomes meaningless."
3. Choose the best: Our contentment is not determined by our circumstances; it is decided by our choices. A lot of men make poor choices-- to be angry, bitter, retaliatory, unhappy or negative. If we do not intentionally choose to be optimistic, we will get left with the worst.
4. Live the best: This means walking in faith and trusting God. Living close to God is life at its best. In a quote from Mary Gardiner Brainerd, " I would rather walk with God in the dark than go alone in the light."
5. Thank God for Growth: Learned in the midst of Mother Theresa's pain and suffering said, "The best way to show my gratitude to God is to accept everything even my problems with joy."
It is through our wounds that we grow. Thanking God for them moves us forward and brightens our perspective. An optimist learned the joy of thankfulness. He doesn;t ignore the difficulties;h e just looks beyond them to see the mighty hand of God.
Finally, he describes the excruciating brutality that Nicolaie Moldova, a poet, and composer received in the Russian prison system.
" Lie on your belly," a guard yelled to Nicolaie.
The prisoner dropped to the icy cold floor, knowing the torture would be excruciating; yet Nicolaie had a plan as the guards walked on his back for the next hour.When his punishment ended, his fellow prisoners rushed to his side, deeply concerned while Nicolaie raised his head, " I have written a new hymn while I was walked upon.. Then he began to sing, "May I not only speak about future heavens but let me have heaven and a holy feast here."
Dr. Stephens ends with this affirmation: God wants to give us a new song, too. All we have to do is be willing to sing it
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