Matthew 18:20-21
20 For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”
In Dr. Steven Stephens chapter on 'fellow soldier, I must confess something up front; I had the tendency to isolate from others when this tragedy happened. As I read this next chapter, I understood why this tendency, which is not a healthy response, still is the response for most men inflicted with emotional/physical wounds.
This chapter begins with the bold caption, Never knew Paul. Paul was someone who owned a little deli next door to his office and served one of the best pastrami sandwiches he had ever eaten in his life and each time he went in he would chat with him about each of their kids. They were friendly, but never really talked deeply.
The last time he saw Paul he told him that life was tough; his deli was losing money and things weren't going well at home. He said to Dr. Steve, " I ought to make an appointment and talk with you about some things that are really bothering me." Paul never called. One day he dropped into his deli and when he asked "where's Paul" one young lady behind the deli counter said, " Oh you haven't heard? Paul shot himself last night. He died instantly."
Dr. Stephens began asking those nagging 'why questions'; "why didn't he talk to someone?' After contemplating those thoughts, he described Paul as like most of us guys; we smile, work hard, and pretend that everything is Okay, even if everything is falling apart on the inside.
As guys, we are not good at reaching out or noticing when someone else is reaching out. We tend to keep to ourselves, we retreat, we stay late at work, we sit hypnotized by the television, we become obsessed by sports, we go to the garage, we take a drive, we dive into projects.
Dr Stephens describes those things as unconscious ways of isolating from others. As one man said to Dr Stephens, " isolation is totally comfortable to me."
He found that there are 10 reasons that men isolate themselves:
1. We are angry or disappointed because people don't meet our expectations.
2. We don't know how to reach out and we would feel foolish asking for help.
3. We feel inadequate because we don't believe it's acceptable for men to be wounded.
4.We are in crisis, and we believe we must deal with it ourselves.
5.We have seen that people can be dangerous and feel we must protect ourselves.
6. We have experienced failure of trust and we're suspicious.
7. We must cover up sin or failure because we're embarrassed.
8. We don't know what to do, but we don't want to bother others with our problems.
9. We are stressed, overwhelmed, or confused, but we think if we just give it enough time we can figure it out or it will just go away.
10. We feel we can't risk exposure because we fear rejection or loss of respect.
/He found that too many men report that they have no close friends whom they can truly trust. They have acquaintances, neighbors or colleagues, but no other guy who will stand with them no matter what.
They have no one who would take a bullet for them or watch their back.
Life is tough, but life without friends is merciless.
When we are wounded we feel disconnected from people. Though we secretly yearn for people, we don't feel safe with them. We're afraid they will hurt us more.
Yet, people contact is crucial to our healing and health.
To grow we need to trust again by reaching out to others and allowing them to reach out to us.
Here are some reasons why we need people:
1. Keeping us company. "Loneliness," wrote Norman Vincent Peale, " lurks in the shadows of adversity." Ironically, when we are wounded we may build walls, keeping others at a distance-- even when we yearn with all of our hearts for their company.
2, We need people to help us grow and stretch ourselves.
3. We need people who will share our hopes, fears and tears.
4. We need people to laugh with when life gets too serious and grim.
5. We need people to love and accept us so that we might learn to love and accept ourselves.
6. We need people to pull us out of hiding, that we might stand in the sunshine.
7. We need company when we're been wounded, but it needs to be healthy company. If we're more aware of the risk of harm than we are of our help from people, it opens us up to the possibility of further wounding. As wounded warriors, we may become overprotective of our feelings.
When we're been wounded we must find safe friends who....
1. Don't shock easily.
2. Don't give unwanted advice.
3. Remind us of our strengths.
4. Believe we can make it through difficult times.
5. Accept our weaknesses.
6, Respect our courage and sense of determination.
7. Try to understand our feelings.
8. Pray with us and for us.
For those who are scared about reaching out here are a few suggestions:
1. Recognize your need. When life is most difficult , you need people the most.
2. Take a risk. It may feel awkward and challenging... but you need to reach out.
3. Call an old friend. Call one of them even if you haven't spoken for a while.
4. Get involved. Find a cause, a church, a class, a club or a committee where you'll be in regular contact with others.
5. Volunteer. Get out and help others. Be active, be social. As you surround yourselves with others you will feel better.
6.Reduce isolating activities. Stop spending so much time on isolating activities , such as TV, computers, and video games. Force yourself out of the house.
7. Don't let yourself fall into self-pity.
8. Ask God for direction.
When we are too close to our pain and problems, we frequently can't find a way out--even if it's right in front of us.We need someone with a more objective perspective or greater life experience to come alongside us and lead us to a better place.
Keep in mind: Right now you may be the one needing encouragement, but tomorrow you may be the one offering a helping hand. If you won't let anyone pull you up, how will you have the emotional footing to help the next man?
Every man needs a life coach! A skilled guide can help you ...
1.build communication skills
2. Solve problems.
3. Improve relationships.
4. Set goals.
5. Challenge negative thinking.
6. Identify self-destructive problems.
7, Nurture spiritual growth.
8. Promote maturity.
9. Celebrate personal strengths and potential.
10. Strengthen character.
" If our lives went perfectly then we might become so self-sufficient and independent that we wouldn't need others.",, Dr. Stephens writes.
Chuck Swindoll reminds us that tucked away in a quiet corner of every life are wounds and scars. If they were not there, we would need no physician. Nor would we need one another.
In my next blog, I will reflect on the next chapter of Dr. Stephen's book entitled 'Self-inflicted wounds.'
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