Why we shouldn't bury our losses

" You will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.” John 8:32

In America we do a poor job with resolving grief and loss. Instead of working on our losses we bury them . When it comes to children we often gravitate to a 'don't ask, don't tell policy thinking what they will never know won't hurt them.  We do this by getting our children to dwell on other things than the internal struggle of their loss.

The speaker in this clip will debunk that notion as he tells his audience how his earlier loss at the age of 7 caused him to develop a internal belief system that essentially made it difficult for him to trust anyone and consequently walls were created to keep people from hurting him ever again.  He tells his audience about his alcohol addiction which he learned was one way of numbing his pain.

I understand where he is coming from on this one. One of my special assignments is to work with students who have been so profoundly effected by earlier losses in their lives that it has interfered  with their ability to trust those around them.

 For many of these kids they grow up stuck in survival mode where learning is made more difficult.  Learning to trust is one of the most important attributes toward leading a healthy adult life; yet, there are many people who grow up never having fully develop this attribute most likely because of the earlier losses in his or her life.

 I guess when sudden loss occurs in earlier life it is akin to a battle scene in the 'Lord of the Rings' movie where the big heavy fortress doors are shut quickly to keep the enemy out. For most of us we are able to open up those doors once danger passes by, but for others who have suffered significant losses as  children they grow up learning to keep those fortress doors shut as a coping mechanism of  avoiding any remote possibility of ever being hurt again with each subsequent loss.

In my own life my mind travels back to a time of two significant losses. One was the loss of a family friend and the effect it had on those who knew him.   The other was the loss of a friend of a cousin.  In both cases they were best friends.  While it is possible they grew up unscathed by the effects of those losses, it is entirely possible that having trouble with trusting others around them became a problem with some of them.

The good news is that Christ  wants to  help us with the losses in our lives with the simple proclamation from John 8:32 ' You will know the truth and the truth will set you free'.  Instead of turning to things that temporarily numb the pain inside he wants to free us from that pain with the assurance that as we lean on him with our grief that he will make all things new. It is possible to survive and thrive from our childhood traumas. (https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans%208:28) https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Revelation+21:5

Finally, every school should have a contingency plan in place to provide grief counselors to students when sudden losses occur.  We must get rid of this notion that teachers know everything even what to say to children when death enters their world.

. Grief is much more delicate of a subject to be left in the hands of a school teacher and as the person in the video can attest unresolved grief will often  have devastating effects on the child's ability to trust others later in life.  Competent grief counselors will help these children and the families of these children that it is possible to navigate successfully through the rough waters of grief and come out more resilient in the end. 

Learning to grieve is a skill every  bit as important as learning mathematical formula's because it is something they will have to rely on all of the remaining days of their life.