The other night at Legacy Christian Academy our family had the opportunity to be a blessing to 2 of Maria's classmates with scholarships in her honor and re-establishing those past relationships

16 So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. 17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:[a] The old has gone, the new is here! 2 Corinthians 5:16

If I could summarize this journey with just 1 word it would be 'amazing'. To think my God brought me through the incredible pain of my grief from shock to anger to depression back to anger back to depression to acceptance to forgiveness and creating new memories is something to behold. Yet, just as the verse above illustrates God is in the business of making all things new!

Friday nights commencement was a perfect example of that as we sat watching Maria's fellow classmates being awarded their diploma's. Our daughter wasn't there that evening because of her sudden loss in 2007, but her classmates and their families were. Until the Lord impressed upon me to honor Maria in this way my wife and son had no plans on going back for this commencement. It would be too painful. The scholarships I set up in Maria's name gave our family the opportunity to go back and re-establish some of those past relationships. When my wife called the school to see if she could get a copy of the open houses for some of Maria's classmates she was told that one of Maria's friends help create a full page add in the Legacy yearbook featuring her. She was so overwhelmed by this 'positive' news that she called me at work to share it with me.

The awful thing about grief are the places, people, and things we avoid because they bring up painful reminders of the one we love. Those, my friends, are the secondary losses of the grief.

The act of setting up the scholarships in Maria's memory helped us to be there that evening and hear Maria's 3rd grade teacher share a couple of heart warming stories about our little girl that touched so many lives before asking Maria's parents to come up to the front to join her. We were touched by the applause that rang out and for the yearbook we received. The act of setting up and honoring 2 students was an opportunity of having our son join us at the school that previously was a reminder of his own journey and gave him the opportunity to get re-acquainted with several of his classmate.

If there is a life lesson in this blog it is that God doesn't want us to avoid people, places or things when losses occur. He wants you to embrace your pain by leaning on to God's promises such as the one from Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

We got the list for our daughter's friends open houses and we look forward to attending those open houses and getting to know the families of these girls again and celebrating their next stage of life. The story of Maria's 50 yard dash. as told by her 3rd grade teacher that evening, illustrates in another way our love for these families:

I had the privilege of being Maria’s 3^rd grade teacher. Since I have 2 artificial hips and sometimes walk a little more slowly, Maria and I played a “game” to see who could get different places during the day the fastest.  Maria would giggle and say, “I’m gonna beat you!”  Of course most of the time Maria beat me by a step or two, but once in a while I beat her.  When the Spring of the year rolled around, her classmates encouraged Maria to run the 50 yard dash at the annual Track and Field day.  They were aware of our “I can beat you” game and believed Maria could accomplish this task.  She did. She entered the race with several other girls.  All those students who were not running stood near the finish line, something that did not happen very often as students often go off with parents to watch their siblings.  The girls all put their hearts into running the race, including Maria.  As the girls crossed the finished line, an amazing thing happened.  They turned around and joined Maria!  As Maria crossed the finished line, with the other girls  a step or two behind her and all her classmates  and their parents cheering and applauding.  She threw up her arms in victory and smiled and laughed, “I did it, I did it”.  Maria has run the race AND  kept her faith. This time, you truly did “beat” me to the finish line.  

Connecting with past friendships is very much apart of the healing process. This is truly what God desires for our lives.

I had a dream, a dream of reconciliation

13 Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. 14 Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. 16 In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; 17 and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, 18 praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. Ephesians 6:13-18

This evening I had a dream of reconciliation of a long broken relationship that was restored.

 In a  perfect biblical world view these kind of dreams would become common place where men, woman and children would be restored. Unfortunately,  we live in a broken world where the predominating emotions of anger, rage, revenge rule. We live in a  world where anger drives the hearts of men, woman and children to the predators of the dark, sinister world of Islamic state of Iraq (Isis) who have become master's at using the social media to lure them into their traps.. Angry men from broken pasts surfing the internet until one day they find very convincing stories of false hope from  Isis, master's at using the social media to lure them.. Disenchanted young woman with a desire to be loved gravitate to these same websites who offer them false hope of romance of being a ISIS bride.

 In a perfect biblical worldview Abraham would have trusted God fully instead of succumbing to his wife's offer of going into her maidservant.  In a perfect biblical worldview Abraham would have fully trusted God. 

Yet, God had even grander plans for his perfect redemption story.as the pages of the biblical worldview would later reveal. His story would involved taking back the hearts and minds of those who are angry, bitter and vengeful.  His story would include working on the hearts of his people, one person at a time using the very people who's lives have been changed through the same redemptive story.

 The media would like us to believe there is no hope in this broken and fallen world. Yet, my eyes have seen a lifetime of men, woman and children being restored  through the stories of other formerly broken people brought back to Christ.

 One heart at a time.
 One mind at a time. 
One soul at a time.

 I find comfort as I hear reports of former Muslim's having dreams of Jesus  and abruptly deciding to follow him. I find comfort when I hear reports that record numbers of Muslims are coming to Christ.

 It is a reminder that the war on terror is more than just a physical war involving tanks, guns and bombs. It is Spiritual war that no one can see, but it is as real as the one we read or hear about in the media. 

 Maybe my dream of reconciliation isn't so far fetch in a world that is broken.  God truly wants everyone to find love, hope, peace and acceptance through his son Jesus Christ.

 As you go about your business today say a prayer for the Muslim neighbor, co-worker, or when you drive by a Mosque ask for God's redemptive story to take place in the hearts of the men who go there asking God to reveal Jesus to them.. You may not see it in your lifetime, but God just may use those prayers to bring them to Christ.

Forgiveness is akin to opening up the curtains letting in the crisp ocean breezes.

13 bearing with one another and forgiving one another, if one has a grievance against another; as the Lord has forgiven you, so must you also do. Colossians 3:13

As a kid growing up in St.Louis Park, Minnesota I remember one of my favorite shows was 'Get Smart'.  I especially enjoyed the opening credits where Mr. Smart  walks through a set of passage way doors inside an ordinary building. As he walks through one doorway he finds another doorway as the door behind him would close with a thud.  This scene would repeat itself until the final one where he walks into the familiar phone booth and drops below.

 This scene came back to me as I reflected on how powerful forgiveness plays in our lives as believers in Christ.

Forgiveness is like a gentle breeze blowing against the light swirling curtains bringing in fresh cleansing air indoors. For anyone who has ever experience traumatic or complicated grief I think you might know where I am going with this illustration. When a loved one suddenly dies it is  easy to place blame on the people you thought were responsible for this loss. If the person dies shortly after coming home from the hospital you want to blame the hospital and all of the staff thought responsible for this loss.

 If it was a tragic car accident that took your loved one you search to pin blame on the other party. When a loss occurs suddenly and traumatically everyone who is connected with that loss will react differently to that loss. Some will choose to immediately forgive, while others will travel down the lonely path of anger and revenge as they seek monetary damages for their pain while forcing others to travel down this same path when all they want to do is find a way of  forgiving the one who caused the pain. 

This inability to forgive is akin to an old building with all of it's windows boarded up with no possibility of  allowing fresh air to circulate.until that is when someone opens up that building for the first time and is hit with the putrid air.

This lack of forgiveness permeates outward. Before you know it you begin blaming those around you who you thought would have supported you in your time of need.  The lack of forgiveness gives way to flashbacks and nightmares of the original event that caused your pain.  Instead of seeking help for pain the person in pain will wrestle with all of the nightmares, flash backs and the verbal attacks on others, causing collateral damage to his loved ones. One's world view begins to shift from finding good in everyone you meet to having difficulty trusting.  At the slightest provocation or disagreement the person will find ways of avoiding the person. Like the scene from 'Get Smart' there are doors in one's mind that go 'thud' when someone has violated any reason to trust them.

This lack of trust is akin to keeping all of the doors closed up and the stale air from escaping. Lack of forgiveness can create physiological symptoms of failing to breath deeply enough to let the toxins from within to escape. This lack of trust can result in a lifetime of addictions that interfere with the ability to live life like our Lord and Savior fully intended us to live.

As I reflect on my own journey I am amazed by God's power of forgiveness from the final Jewish attorney who got me thinking I should turn the tide and try to do things to honor our daughter's memory. His words were golden because I was hearing it from a man who tragically lost his less than a year old daughter who never made it home after child birth. His words had planted the seeds that allowed me to verbally forgive our daughter's  daughter's orthopedic specialist to actually sitting down with him and sharing our mutual grief journeys ( yes, even doctors grieve when things do not go the way they intended them to go),  The seeds that were planted sent me on a 1 week missions trip to the land my daughter was born in where I got to see God's hand in bringing  'Maria' to our family. Finally, the seeds lead me to set up 2 scholarships to  honor in a few weeks a couple of students from what would have been Maria's class of 2015 Legacy Christian academy class.  As I write this blog I write with total amazement and a smile on my face and like the gentle breeze blowing through the open window I breath the air of forgiveness.

Alas, this journey has come full circle. God has demonstrated that he, indeed, is good all the time and he alone walks with anyone going through traumatic events. Out of my deep despair came the site I hope will bring hope to those after me traveling their own  battles with despair:  www.soaringonwingsofeagles.org

Where ever you are at on your journey may you swing open those windows of forgiveness and let the crisp breeze of forgiveness to come in.Won't you take time today and pray for specific people in your life you know you should forgive and when you do won't you sit back and watch God coordinate these acts of forgiveness in your life?

One day, like me, you will awaken to open windows and crisp fresh air of forgiveness permeating every inch of your being causing positive changes to your mental and physical well being that will last a life time.

Yes, there is power of forgiveness!

Happify is a personal training App design to help people develop your emotional fitness

Now there is an app for that!
13 I can do all things through Christ[a] who strengthens me. Phillippians 4:13

Every now and then I discover a tool on Facebook that really helps people. Tonight, I discover a personal trainer App that actually can be used to improve your emotional mindset so you can keep negative thinking at bay so you can accomplish your daily goals.

Grief and loss and the aftershocks of such are one example of how profound negative thinking can disrupt a person's daily life. For those who have experience trauma over the loss of a loved one it is easy for people to feel remorse over that loss. The 'what if's', 'why's that permeate the mind of grievers can set some people back with the persistent negative thinking.

Some people may discredit this App as 'pop psychology', but if you take a few moments and try this App out I think you will notice it will make a difference. Subscribing to this App does not have to replace our Christian beliefs, but the App will help enhance your life in Christ. With all of the negative news that bombard us on an hourly basis it is refreshing to know that there is an App to help our minds to focus on the positive things in life.

To access this personal training emotional App click here:  
http://my.happify.com/o/lp27/?fl=1&tmp=&trid=&srid=facebook&c1=PPLA_US_LAL_1pct_MEM_M_28_64&c2=fbnf

Why we shouldn't bury our losses

" You will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.” John 8:32

In America we do a poor job with resolving grief and loss. Instead of working on our losses we bury them . When it comes to children we often gravitate to a 'don't ask, don't tell policy thinking what they will never know won't hurt them.  We do this by getting our children to dwell on other things than the internal struggle of their loss.

The speaker in this clip will debunk that notion as he tells his audience how his earlier loss at the age of 7 caused him to develop a internal belief system that essentially made it difficult for him to trust anyone and consequently walls were created to keep people from hurting him ever again.  He tells his audience about his alcohol addiction which he learned was one way of numbing his pain.

I understand where he is coming from on this one. One of my special assignments is to work with students who have been so profoundly effected by earlier losses in their lives that it has interfered  with their ability to trust those around them.

 For many of these kids they grow up stuck in survival mode where learning is made more difficult.  Learning to trust is one of the most important attributes toward leading a healthy adult life; yet, there are many people who grow up never having fully develop this attribute most likely because of the earlier losses in his or her life.

 I guess when sudden loss occurs in earlier life it is akin to a battle scene in the 'Lord of the Rings' movie where the big heavy fortress doors are shut quickly to keep the enemy out. For most of us we are able to open up those doors once danger passes by, but for others who have suffered significant losses as  children they grow up learning to keep those fortress doors shut as a coping mechanism of  avoiding any remote possibility of ever being hurt again with each subsequent loss.

In my own life my mind travels back to a time of two significant losses. One was the loss of a family friend and the effect it had on those who knew him.   The other was the loss of a friend of a cousin.  In both cases they were best friends.  While it is possible they grew up unscathed by the effects of those losses, it is entirely possible that having trouble with trusting others around them became a problem with some of them.

The good news is that Christ  wants to  help us with the losses in our lives with the simple proclamation from John 8:32 ' You will know the truth and the truth will set you free'.  Instead of turning to things that temporarily numb the pain inside he wants to free us from that pain with the assurance that as we lean on him with our grief that he will make all things new. It is possible to survive and thrive from our childhood traumas. (https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans%208:28) https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Revelation+21:5

Finally, every school should have a contingency plan in place to provide grief counselors to students when sudden losses occur.  We must get rid of this notion that teachers know everything even what to say to children when death enters their world.

. Grief is much more delicate of a subject to be left in the hands of a school teacher and as the person in the video can attest unresolved grief will often  have devastating effects on the child's ability to trust others later in life.  Competent grief counselors will help these children and the families of these children that it is possible to navigate successfully through the rough waters of grief and come out more resilient in the end. 

Learning to grieve is a skill every  bit as important as learning mathematical formula's because it is something they will have to rely on all of the remaining days of their life.

Very few of us are ever prepared for sudden grief:Eva Hart speaks about her memories of the Titanic, as a 7 year old

Isaiah 41:10

10 Don’t worry—I am with you.

Don’t be afraid—I am your God.

I will make you strong and help you.

I will support you with my right hand that brings victory.

Last night I attended a student lead Capstone project at Legacy Christian Academy, the same school that our kids attended. This student that lead this public forum was a friend of our daughter, Maria and my memories included her attending several of our daughter's 'themed' birthday parties. I also remembered my daughter speaking highly of her.

Ashley spoke on the subject of  depression and anxiety; a subject most relevant to be bought out of the caverns of hidden and forgotten disorders.  My experience as a professional counselor is that no one wants to talk about it, nor admit they struggle with it.

There was a box at the front when I first came in. A box where we could write our questions down we wanted to ask Ashley, or her guest, Dr.Michele Strachan, a behavioral Pediatrician at the University of Minnesota, or Cody James, a pastor, singer who shared his faith story.  I wrote my question down, folded it up and placed it in the box. My writing when I write fast is less than legible and so when it came to my question I heard the word unresolved and knew I could either stay quiet, or admit that question was mine and clarify it for the three of them. I knew my question was important and decided to 'fess' up to the illegible writing. My question was ' Is their a connection between unresolved grief and depression and anxiety. The moment I finished that question I could hear the dam of formidable thought breaking and the whirl wind of thoughts being processed. 

The question hit a accord with Dr. Strachan as she went on for several minutes talking about how most people are never prepared when sudden grief hits and consequently  they will attempt to provide temporary fixes by burying their grief through such things as working too hard, engaging in mindless activities; anything but working through the emotions of that sudden loss. Dr. Strachan advised everyone in that room to lean into their pain of that sudden loss, not deny it, but talk about that pain whether it is in a journal or talking to a professional counselor.

As much as we might know about theology or even the assurance of our salvation we are still blind sided when sudden grief does happen to us. Organizations may attempt to sweep traumatic grief under a rug with a 'don't ask, don's tell policy thinking  this grief will subside and disappear.  My experience having experienced the loss of a 10 year old daughter is that this kind of thinking is wrong and that all professional organizations need to have a well laid out contingency plan with helping their employees process their sudden traumatic losses.  Dr. Strachan reminded that we can either begin leaning into the emotions of our grief when it happens or work on our pain 10 years later because grief will wait for you.

When this public forum was finished I congratulated the young lady who put this on and affirmed her gifts for wanting to make a difference in the world by bringing this subject to the forefront of discussion. I also encouraged her to consider pursuing the 'helping professions' because I saw in her tonight as someone who truly has a heart of compassion for people.

The video I have included is an interview of a lady who shares her memories of traumatic grief as a 7  year old girl on the fateful Titanic.

 If a lesson can be derived from tonight's public forum is for all of us to  learn how to process traumatic grief by talking about it as often as it takes to work through the emotions of this grief and remember to continue the rituals you had before your loss.

 Finally, I am reminded of my conversation when my son said to me the first Sunday Maria wasn't with us, " Dad, I don't feel like going to church" and my response after some reflection, "Well, mom doesn't feel well, I don't feel well and I know you certainly don't and we could all stay home, but if we did we will deny ourselves the opportunities to be encouraged by the body of Christ."  My son never fought me from that point on and with the exception of out of town trips we have always attended a church service. Today, he is a college student who tries to have his work done by Saturday so he can spend time with the Lord on Sunday.

There is hope after loss. 

The painful moments in life and the healing that takes place.

Each of you lift a stone onto his shoulder, one for each[b] of the Israelite tribes, 6 so that this will be a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, ‘What do these stones mean to you?’ 7 you should tell them, ‘The waters of the Jordan were cut off in front of the ark of the Lord’s covenant. When it crossed the Jordan, the Jordan’s waters were cut off.’ Therefore these stones will always be a memorial for the Israelites. Joshua 4

 We learned in our Life group that in the biblical times the Jewish people would erect these huge stones  to serve as a reminder to future generations of God's faithfulness to his people.. As I watched this Ray Vander laan clip I was reminded that in my life there have been key things that have happened that clearly point people to God.

Each of us have our own ' standing stones' to mark our significant occasions of our lives. Such things like graduating from college, getting that first career job, falling in love, getting married, the birth of a child and all of the significant milestones that come along with that are just some of those examples.

   Then there are those 'standing stones' of our lives that represent the painful events.Only when we reach the culmination of those events do we see God's hand in them and when we do they serve as a reminder to people by pointing them to God.  For many who have traveled down that road you know what I am talking about. Like the fiery furnace that Daniel and his friends entered into we also enter the furnace with the loss of a loved one or a debilitating health crisis. Just as God had been with Daniel and his friends which kept them from being burned alive we will eventually see that our Lord is standing by our side through our own painful journey. It is when we come out of that process  that becomes the ah ha moment of clearly sensing God's presence  that points people back to your God. That, my friends, becomes your standing stone.

At my son's Christian K-12  school there are several standing stones in the front of that school .  Whenever I am visiting the school I remember the painful events that had occurred in the past, but I also remember God's faithfulness of always being there.

My own personal standing stone moments includes the day I accepted Jesus Christ as Savior Next to  that standing stone are the stones representing my marriage to my wife and the blessed adoption of our two children as those stones are reminders of God's blessings upon me. The not so good' standing stone' was our time of grief when our daughter died suddenly and unexpectedly in June 2007. For the first several years I could see no purpose with her death, but when made a conscious decision to keep honoring God on each subsequent Sunday I began to see that God hadn't forsaken my family. It was at that moment the death of our child became a 'standing stone' that would ultimately point people to God

What are some of your life's memorable moments, good or bad, that could one day become your standing stones?  Perhaps, you are in the midst a life crisis where you wonder if God had abandoned you. If so, do what I did and lean into your crisis and trust God for they journey you are on.  One day, like me, you will noticed and sense God's presence in that crisis.  God wants to journey with you and help you be a living testimony to future generations of God's faithfulness.

What does that look like in your own life?  What do you want future generations to know about the faithfulness of your God? Just as 1 Peter 2:5 reminds us we are to be 'living stones' that God is using to build a spiritual house.

This week we found a unlikely hero in our midst and she was a ................................mom

13 If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. 3 If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it;[a] but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing. 1 Corinthians 13

This week we found an unlikely hero in our midst. No, it wasn't any of the Avenger's characters; although that movie is opening tonight at a theater near you. No, it wasn't Rocky Balboa coming out of retirement to fight one more time.

This week it was the unconditional love for her son that drove this Baltimore mom out into the street to let her rock throwing son know that what he was doing was not acceptable. She had the courage  that ultimately prevented her son from being arrested. The person who interviewed her asked if there were other mom's out there who had that same she had.  Her response? 'Yes'
  In that one act of courage she deflated every stereotype out their about single African American woman raising kids.  In that one act of courage she may have sent shock waves across America that will force parents to realize that they have to stop neglecting their kids.  

 I can hear a mighty crescendo coming from homes everywhere of parents who previously have neglected their duties now willing to step up to the plate  so the court system do not have to do theirs.

What if parents everywhere came out to stand with the police force to assure a better tomorrow for their kids. Things like inviting an officer to their home for a meal with their family, or organizing a neighborhood event and inviting an officer to come and speak with them about safety, or in the case of one group of parents standing as a united front in front of the Baltimore riot police?

Through this one woman comes an opportunity to bring our kids home so they do not have to be subjected to peer pressure that ultimately get's them shot.

Fast forward 20 years I see this young man, humiliated years earlier, employed in a good job with a family and a now aged grandmother of her kids sitting with pride in her eyes at what her son had accomplished.  I learned one more thing from this mom.  Parenting isn't about winning popularity contests with your kids.  You are not there to be their best friend.  You are there to set the parameters of good behavior society expects for them.

If there were more mother's out there like the woman in this video there would be less of a need for prisons, probation officers and their would be more schools better able to do their jobs of preparing their son's and daughters for their life's vocation.

Yes, today we found a unlikely hero in our midst and she was a mom.