What Not to Say to Someone Who is Grieving | Kay Warren

22 Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. 23 Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror 24 and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. 25 But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do. James 1:22

Yesterday was a difficult day as we gathered for a service to bury their 21-year-old son.  As I listened to the stories of their son, brother, and friend I was mindful that this might be the right time to share what we do not want to say to someone who is grieving.  You, perhaps, may have been on the receiving end of those careless comments and certainly know what I'm referring to.  After all, grief is something we keep locked in a Pandora's box, hoping to never have to face it, but we do.

All of us will lose loved ones, and when we do the pain of those losses will at times feel like a heavy ball and chain dragging you down, making it impossible to get even those mundane chores complete. To deny that you will never face this dastardly beast is like living in a fantasy world of forever Disney.

It really wasn't until I face grief head on that my faith in Jesus took on new meaning. Jesus became my anchor of my soul, something I needed to face the tumultuous waves of grief. 

When you are talking to a grieving person, here are some things not to say to them.


"God must have wanted a pretty flower for His garden"

"You can always have another child"

“Please let me know if there’s anything I can do for you.”Everyone reaching out with offers of support can be overwhelming. It also puts the responsibility on the bereaved to reach out for help. What to say instead: “I’ll come over to do a few loads of laundry,” or “I’ll drive carpool for the next month.”

Probably the best question you can ask someone is “Tell me about your loved one.”

The bereaved are missing the person who died and just being asked their memories of their loved one helps the healing process. The greatest fear that grieving parents have is losing the memories of their child.

James 1:22 reminds us that we should be doers of God's word. We are called to be the hands and feet of Christ- to reach out and help others in pain.

As the weather begins getting warmer and the grass grows there will be opportunities to help grieving people in your community!