Survival tips for life when your child dies

14 “I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me— 15 just as the Father knows me and I know the Father—and I lay down my life for the sheep. John 10

Perhaps, there is no painful grief than when a child dies before the parent. Scott and Joy recently experienced this type of loss.

There is no written manual that prepares the parent ahead of time for such an unthinkable event, Nor is it something that others who know the parents who lost their child can even relate to, much less know what to say to that couple experiencing the loss.

The death of a child will cause such an adrenaline rush to the brain that all systems will be on high alert- panic sets in and becomes your constant companion and breathing becomes more shallow so with each breath you take you're unable to rid your body of the toxins inside.

Traumatic grief can literally make us sick.

As a dad who has been down that road, I want to post some helpful tips for any family who has suffered the unfortunate fate of losing a child.

A.) I recommend that every member of the family see their primary care physician so they can do a general vitals check while at the same time start a dialog with your doctor by letting them know you just lost your child. When you see your doctor you are taking steps to keep your grief on the surface, not underground, like most American's have been taught.

B.) If you are having trouble sleeping ask your doctor for his advice on a sleep aid he could recommend. As a parent, it is important that you get 8 hours of sleep a night, After all, the bills still need to be paid and professional responsibilities fulfilled and if you have surviving children they need the assurance their parents are there for them.

C.) Find a trusted listener who isn't afraid to hear your story of loss. In the beginning,, my wife and I saw a therapist to help us understand the unique differences the loss of a child had on each of us,including our surviving children. This information was important because we knew that for each of us our grief was going to be different. For example, when one person is on the upswing, the other one is on the downswing and this will be the pattern for a long time.

(D.) When it comes to the death of a child, there is no timetable to recover from this grief. As grieving parents, you will be given awful advice such as " hasn't it been a year? Isn't it time to move on? But do not buy into that advice because it simply isn't true. Your particular grief journey is as unique as the love you had with that child. There is no band-aid we cam give you like when our mom and dad kissed the scrape on our knee and gave us a colorful Disney band-aid to apply to our wound.

(E) People may often not know what to say to a grieving family and in the process may offer condolences that will in the end cause more pain. For example, many families will be told that "God must have wanted another flower for his garden, or God chose to take your child." At the same time, some may simply say " there are no words to describe the loss you're going through, but just know I'm praying for you."

I chose to believe that because we live in a fallen world bad things do occasionally happen to good people. The shortest verse in the bible where it simply said, 'Jesus wept.' I truly believe that God had a full life planned for your child and it broke his heart when a traumatic event prevented that from happening.

(F.) Learn to tell your story to trusted listeners. The last thing you want to do is go underground with your grief by keeping it 'under wraps'. It is when we do not process our grief that it begins causing damage to our neurological and biochemical system- which can cause other health related issues if our grief doesn't stay above the surface. Another reason to include your doctor as part of your grief recovery team.

G.) New friendships will form while some friendships will disappear simply because there will be some friends you thought would be there for you who simply do not know how to process what happened to your family.

H) Remember to continue the rituals you had as a family before the loss, after the loss. One of the smartest things our family did after our daughter died was to continue our weekly ritual of church attendance. It was often while in attending Church that someone would come up to us to offer up a word of encouragement.

It was while I was grieving that I was able to create a website to help others experiencing this type of loss I throw this 'lifeline' to anyone who has had problems processing the death of a child, sibling, niece or nephew,or for that matter a spouse. www.soaringonwingsofeagles.org

Remember, be kind to yourself as your grieve the loss of your loved one and allow Jesus to be your gentle shepherd who will guide you through the stone strewn paths of this grief. Things may never be the same after the loss, but I assure you things will get better.