Advice from a dad to those experiencing their own personal tragedies

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. – Matthew 11:28-30

Many months have passed since the tragic shootings took place in New Town, Connecticut.  For all of these families it has been a long and painful winter.  as a dad who has experienced that similar tragedy I will not sugar coat this type of grief, but will attempt to share some survival tips on surviving this form of grief.

(1) Whatever rituals you had before the loss of your child you must continue those rituals. This is so vitally important for your families emotional well being. If you were part of a faith based church continue attending weekly worship services and please do not believe those lies of " well I do not feel like going" and simply stay home. Discontinuing this weekly ritual will be more harmful because avoiding that weekly connection will cut your family off from any support they might get had they attended.

(2)  Accept the reality that you and your spouse will grieve differently and this grief will come in like the waves of an ocean. She will want to cry and at times it may seem endless while you may want to pour your grief into some project or cause.  When she isn't crying you may become overcome with waves of grief. For many months you will sense your lives drifting in opposite directions, but you must be careful not to be critical of your spouse during this time. 

(3) During those long months of grief you must accept the reality that there will be those you thought would have hung in with you who are no longer part of your life.  For some reason they were unable to handle this particularly form of grief possibly because of some unresolved grief from their own past.  At the same time you will establish new friendships with people you never would have guessed would become your friends during this period of your life. Your address book isn't shrinking, but it is being rewritten.

(4) Even your surviving children are grieving differently. During those first several years your children are literally being protected from the painful grief you are experiencing.  There is evidence to suggest that children actually have a delayed grief sometimes not beginning their own grief for as long as 5 years.  Coincidentally, it takes parents at least 5-8 years to recover from the loss of a child. My personal opinion is that God knew what he was doing when he created the family and I believe he has chosen to put a protective sheathing around the surviving children until their parents have completed their most painful part of their grief journey.

(5) I would encourage parents to seek professional grief counseling on a individual and couples basis. As a couple you are both experiencing wide ranging emotions that need to come out in a safe environment of a therapist office.  A competent therapist  will help each of your to better understand the very nature of your grief so you can get through the coming weeks and months and even years of suffering. If you can find a trusted friend who you can share your grief journey without the fear of being judged or being 'fixed' by the other person then do it. This will help facilitate the healing process.

(6) I also encourage parents and families to exercise and eat the right foods and drink plenty of water. The temptation for many families suffering this form of grief is to eat high fat, low nutrient comfort foods.  We believe the lies that a cookie is the magic bullet for our pain and suffering instead of facing our deep emotions head on. We eat more of the unhealthy food and we put on weight and the more weight we put on the less active stuff we do to stimulate the 'good' hormones. As you can see eating these high fat foods can be a slippery slope that sends us further down our grief.

(7) Lastly, find some form of expression for your grief. If it is writing then start a blog or a journal. If it is painting then bring your canvass out and express your grief on canvass. If it is helping others then find ways to help others.  Whatever that form of expression is find it so you have a way to channel your grief into something positive.  

(8) Finally, please remember that there is a 'new' normal waiting for you at the end of your grief.  You not not be the same person you were before your grief occurred, but you will come out stronger and more compassionate for those who are experiencing tragedies after you.  As a wise friend said to me when I first began my journey " you may never get over it, but it does get better."