Learning to embrace our stories and sharing them reminds others that there is always hope in tragedy

13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.Romans 15:13

As a student at Hopkin's Charles A. Lindbergh high school, I remember the overwhelming sense of sadness as word filtered out regarding the deaths of two classmates when one of them came in contact with a high tension wire as they sat stargazing from the rooftop of a local business.

The families of those boys were not as lucky as this gentleman featured in this TED talk, and knowing more about what it is like to be in grief I now realize that they lived the rest of their lives wondering what their sons would have been like in later years, who they might have married, and how many children they might have had. 

I think when tragedy strikes young people, there is a deep wisdom that settles in as they travel through  the topsy-turvy waves of grief. Like winning a round  the world sailing race, the person crossing the finish line of grief is filled with exhilaration just knowing they came out stronger than when they first went in. They no longer take life for granted and decide to make a difference in other's lives.

I know, as a Christian and as a grieving dad, that God truly does speak to us, Scripture is full of bible passages that remind us of God's presence to the broken hearted. He often reveals himself through our dreams, through friends, and in the Church messages and in the well placed 'rainbow' as we are driving.

The speaker in this TED talk survived his brush with death despite being pounded by powerful electrical volts  and later  went on to specialized in Palliative care.  He has embraced what happened to him with reminders each day as he gets out of  bed i of those earlier events that changed his life, and why he chose to pursue the field of Palliative care.

We may not have the daily physical reminders of our trauma,but we may nonetheless have the emotional wounds of past trauma that can be equally as troubling.  God gives us the inner strength in the form of his holy spirit to help us weather the storms of life. He gives us the strength to face whatever we are enduring so we are able to walk through the valley of the shadow of death and learn one day to embrace our emotional and physical wounds so we can help others by sharing the hope that is within us. 

Embracing our story, not burying it in a bottomless vault is the answer to help us recover.

God does his greatest work through the stories of people once inflicted by the physical, emotional wounds of life. Our story of how God helped you recover from that pain becomes the focal point for others to come to know that same inner strength.

If we all learn to embrace our stories and be willing to share that story, we will begin to see God do amazing things in our lives, and just maybe be an inspiration for others entering the valley of the shadow of death.

Survival tips for life when your child dies

14 “I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me— 15 just as the Father knows me and I know the Father—and I lay down my life for the sheep. John 10

Perhaps, there is no painful grief than when a child dies before the parent. Scott and Joy recently experienced this type of loss.

There is no written manual that prepares the parent ahead of time for such an unthinkable event, Nor is it something that others who know the parents who lost their child can even relate to, much less know what to say to that couple experiencing the loss.

The death of a child will cause such an adrenaline rush to the brain that all systems will be on high alert- panic sets in and becomes your constant companion and breathing becomes more shallow so with each breath you take you're unable to rid your body of the toxins inside.

Traumatic grief can literally make us sick.

As a dad who has been down that road, I want to post some helpful tips for any family who has suffered the unfortunate fate of losing a child.

A.) I recommend that every member of the family see their primary care physician so they can do a general vitals check while at the same time start a dialog with your doctor by letting them know you just lost your child. When you see your doctor you are taking steps to keep your grief on the surface, not underground, like most American's have been taught.

B.) If you are having trouble sleeping ask your doctor for his advice on a sleep aid he could recommend. As a parent, it is important that you get 8 hours of sleep a night, After all, the bills still need to be paid and professional responsibilities fulfilled and if you have surviving children they need the assurance their parents are there for them.

C.) Find a trusted listener who isn't afraid to hear your story of loss. In the beginning,, my wife and I saw a therapist to help us understand the unique differences the loss of a child had on each of us,including our surviving children. This information was important because we knew that for each of us our grief was going to be different. For example, when one person is on the upswing, the other one is on the downswing and this will be the pattern for a long time.

(D.) When it comes to the death of a child, there is no timetable to recover from this grief. As grieving parents, you will be given awful advice such as " hasn't it been a year? Isn't it time to move on? But do not buy into that advice because it simply isn't true. Your particular grief journey is as unique as the love you had with that child. There is no band-aid we cam give you like when our mom and dad kissed the scrape on our knee and gave us a colorful Disney band-aid to apply to our wound.

(E) People may often not know what to say to a grieving family and in the process may offer condolences that will in the end cause more pain. For example, many families will be told that "God must have wanted another flower for his garden, or God chose to take your child." At the same time, some may simply say " there are no words to describe the loss you're going through, but just know I'm praying for you."

I chose to believe that because we live in a fallen world bad things do occasionally happen to good people. The shortest verse in the bible where it simply said, 'Jesus wept.' I truly believe that God had a full life planned for your child and it broke his heart when a traumatic event prevented that from happening.

(F.) Learn to tell your story to trusted listeners. The last thing you want to do is go underground with your grief by keeping it 'under wraps'. It is when we do not process our grief that it begins causing damage to our neurological and biochemical system- which can cause other health related issues if our grief doesn't stay above the surface. Another reason to include your doctor as part of your grief recovery team.

G.) New friendships will form while some friendships will disappear simply because there will be some friends you thought would be there for you who simply do not know how to process what happened to your family.

H) Remember to continue the rituals you had as a family before the loss, after the loss. One of the smartest things our family did after our daughter died was to continue our weekly ritual of church attendance. It was often while in attending Church that someone would come up to us to offer up a word of encouragement.

It was while I was grieving that I was able to create a website to help others experiencing this type of loss I throw this 'lifeline' to anyone who has had problems processing the death of a child, sibling, niece or nephew,or for that matter a spouse. www.soaringonwingsofeagles.org

Remember, be kind to yourself as your grieve the loss of your loved one and allow Jesus to be your gentle shepherd who will guide you through the stone strewn paths of this grief. Things may never be the same after the loss, but I assure you things will get better.

From the moment you are born and onward God wants to be your guide.

29 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny?[a] And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. 30 But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. 31 Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows. Matthew 10"29-31

From the time we were born, we learn that God is in control of our lives. This is not an easy concept to grasp by men and woman who continue to cling to the concept that they are in charge of their own destiny. 

From the time we are little,  we clamor for our throne. We step up and take our rightful seat. We make the rules for our lives, we call the shots, and with our own scepter we make our lives magical where seemingly everything goes right, no matter what decision we make,   

God waits.

In the shadows, he waits for the moment in time when you cry out to Him "I can't do this anymore...I can't do things right...I keep making a mess of my life...help me God"

He watches us from a distance as we stumble and fall, and stumble and fall some more. He is thinking, if only my children would know that my son Jesus died for each of them and I have a better plan for their lives and a holy spirit that they can have to speak to their aching hearts?

And God waits.

He watches us as we go through difficult times in our lives like the loss of a job, or the death of someone special; hoping, that they will cry out to him "I need you, God,"

God waits some more.

He waits for others who know Jesus to come into their lives, to share the special message of hope resulting when Jesus not only died for, but was raised from the dead and sits on the heavenly throne.

He waits.  He waits as his hurting children hear the message of hope, accepting Jesus into their hearts while relinquishing control of their throne, giving God control.

Our God is in control. Whereas fear and anger are so prevalently among us today, God's message to us is that his love for you is greater than your need to have control. God has our back and like that sparrow, he holds a very special love for you and I. 

No matter what you might be going through, what pain you are experiencing, what losses you have suffered, God is in total control over all those circumstances, and instead of worrying and being filled with fear we should cry out to God and pray for every circumstance that comes our way.

Because God is in control