When healing doesn't happen

15 Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.  Ephesians 5: 15-16

A simple trip to the barber shop.  God knows exactly what he is doing. Something so ordinary as getting a haircut can turn into an opportunity to exchange faith stories. The gal that cut my hair asked me about my family. I said we had a son, a senior in high school, but that we also had a daughter. Part of me had wanted to say we had one son and leave it at that, but then I wouldn't be telling the truth.  Maria was part of our family for the first 10 years of her life and she left us with so many great memories. I knew I couldn't just not make any reference to her because I knew that she was alive and well in the place we all yearn to be in heaven.

She asked how many years was it and how did she die. The door had been opened and i knew I had to share my story which was that she had died the first night home from the hospital where she had had successful surgery to improve her mobility. She asked how she died and I shared about the dangers of Narcotic pain medication toxicity with some kids of certain ethnic groups. She asked when and I said 5 years ago.

The door was now fully open and she said that when she was 18 her 9 year old brother died after undergoing numerous surgeries over the years for a congenital condition. She said it was hard on her mom when he died.

Then we talked about how our faith has kept our families strong. She said she was a Christian. In both families our children were not healed in this life, but because of what  Jesus Christ did for us they were given brand new Spiritual bodies and for the first time are experiencing running and jumping without any impediment.   

As we listened to each other share I concluded that only God sees the total picture of our lives. The pain she faced when her younger brother died has given her the boldness to talk about her faith. Loss will do that to people.  People very often come to Christ when they hear a story about how Christ delivered them through the hardest, most difficult times of their lives. People are not impressed by stories of how God blessed them with a million dollars and a  brand new sports car, but people come to Christ when they learn about a difficult, unbearable situation that Christ brought them through. 

I couldn't help think how our conversation was impacting the other hair cutter in the store, or even the other customers waiting their turns.  We must never be ashamed of the gospel because we just never know the impact the word of God can have on someone's life.

The struggle with self esteem

                                                                   

Labor day weekend is full of mixed emotions for many young people as they prepared to go back to school. All young people can probably identify with what Doug Bender says in this video which is wondering if they will ever have one good friend who truly understands them. Peer pressure has a way of eroding a young person's self esteem and in this social networking world it is easy for young people to feel lonely and isolated from others.

Doug Bender said a pray asking God to show him one very good friend who truly knows him and who is there for him when he most needs a friend. On the eve of his 16th birthday Doug found out that God did answer that prayer because the one friend that has been there for him all those years was Jesus Christ.

Are you taking the time to get to know Jesus? Are you spending time with Jesus and reading his remarkable word?  As you cultivate this all important relationship you will discover that you will develop a more Christ centered walk with God and the Self  has been replaced with Christ esteem.

God wants to be your friend. Won't you allow him to come into your life and be that friend?

The importance of memories in the grief recovery process

There was a man in the land of Uz whose name was Job, and that man was blameless and upright, one who feared God and turned away from evil. There were born to him seven sons and three daughters. He possessed 7,000 sheep, 3,000 camels, 500 yoke of oxen, and 500 female donkeys, and very many servants, so that this man was the greatest of all the people of the east. His sons used to go and hold a feast in the house of each one on his day, and they would send and invite their three sisters to eat and drink with them. And when the days of the feast had run their course, Job would send and consecrate them, and he would rise early in the morning and offer burnt offerings according to the number of them all. For Job said, “It may be that my children have sinned, and cursed God in their hearts.” Thus Job did continually.

 Job 1: 1-22.. 

For those who do not know the story of Job will learn that Job tragically lost everything and while he grieved he wanted his friends to sit with him and not offer him any advice. They were to just listen to him pour out his pain.

"Why is she always talking about the 'good ole days'?" Why do they dwell on the son or daughter they lost so many years ago?" "Grandma always wants to talk about boring stuff like when she was a little girl" A guy in my class told me he has nightmares about the night his sister died" "I wished we had the old Bert back because he was so much more fun to be around."These are some of the comments I have heard from people over the years.

 While I was in college I volunteered in a nursing home where I was assigned to several older gentlemen who in the words of the volunteer coordinator  had given up. I was assigned the task of visiting each one weekly to do nothing more than listen while playing checkers.  I found quickly that their memories were all that was remaining to give them a reason to keep on living. It was our visits that kept their memories alive. Outside of our visits they were alone. Isolated because their family never visited them.  Their former friends were long since deceased. They were now in a sea of loneliness, swimming against the tide of those who do not understand them.

One by one these 4 elderly men gave up.  I remembered how disheartening it was to visit only to be told that one of the gentleman had died two nights before.

When a family loses a child sometimes the only thing the family has are the memories of their son or daughter in a happier time.  To deny them the right to talk about their child is in essence stifling the grief recovery process.

I heard one person comment that it makes her sad when she reads about another person's visit into her past. In her mind she would rather see people focus on enjoying the present. I do not think this is the general thinking when you look at the millions of dollars that companies like 'Creative Memories' make in helping families preserve the past.

The telling and re-telling of a trauma event  is the only way for a grieving family to truly recover from their pain.  The fear of losing the memory of their loved one is their biggest fear and so they do their best to  hang onto those memories.  .

But, why can't he or she just 'move on?'  For crying out loud it was just a few years ago he or she died. Grieving is very much a individualized process that is as unique as the person who is grieving. The best thing one can do is to listen as their friend re-tells the stories about their loss.  Listening will help them recover. When God made man he made him with one mouth and two ears.  The subtle message was he wanted man to do more listening than talking.

It has been over 5 years since Maria left us prematurely. Her life line ended, but her memories remained permanently part of each of us. So it is with all of us.  All of us will lose precious family and friends as time goes on. When that happens remember to talk about that loved one, no matter how redundant it seems to be.  It is when we share our memories that healing takes place.

Midnight

Not a sound from the pavement
Has the moon lost her memory
She is smiling alone
In the lamplight
The withered leaves collect at my feet
And the wind begins to moan
Memory
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/b/barbra+streisand/memory_20012982.html ]All alone in the moonlight
I can smile happy your days ( I can dream of the old days)
Life was beautiful then
I remember the time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again
Every street lamp seems to beat
A fatalistic warning
Someone mutters and the street lamp gutters
And soon it will be morning
Daylight
I must wait for the sunrise
I must think of a new life
And I mustnt give in
When the dawn comes
Tonight will be a memory too
And a new day will begin

Burnt out ends of smoky days
The still cold smell of morning
A street lamp dies ,another night is over
Another day is dawning
Touch me,
It is so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory
Of my days in the sun
If you touch me,
Youll understand what happiness is

Look, a new day has begun...