Where is God when it hurts? Some thoughts after reading several books and talking to individuals.

1Peter 1:6-7 "In this, you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have to suffer grief at all kinds of trials.

This week I learned once again that suffering is a reality of life in my travels from Peoria, Illinois to Crookston, Minnesota. In our first leg of the trip, we helped several families grieve the loss of their 94-year-old mother, grandmother- a woman who is no stranger to suffering after watching two of her sons take their lives several decades apart.   

This 94-year-old woman understood that none of us are guaranteed a pain-free life, something we discovered when we discovered this lady could handle our pain after the loss of our daughter, Maria.

In our travels to Warren, Minnesota, we stayed in the Crookston Inn. The first evening as I walked our dog outside I met this disheveled man of which my first impression was someone who has been chronically unemployed and living on subsistence. 

 Through my line of questions, I normally ask in order to get to know someone I discovered that he lived a number of years in Houston, Texas and that his wife had filed for divorce.  

The next night I had another conversation of which I discovered that he had spent his career working as a Fire and Rescue EMT, but the trauma of seeing bodies floating in the water in the aftermath of Hurricane Ike and Katrina and being unable to help them made it impossible to continue performing that work.  He was diagnosed with PTSD. I shared with him a little about the  Grief share program and my personal relationship with Jesus Christ.  I mentioned to him about the Minnesota Teen Challenge church service at the Marshal County fairgrounds that Sunday morning. I mentioned that he would truly be blessed going to that service.

Suffering is a fact of life; yet, when the physical loss of a loved one occurs, most people are apt to venture down the chasm of anger, despair, and questioning the existence of God. 

Suffering is least understood by the eastern religions who believe that suffering in this life is carried on to the next life in reincarnation and the next life after that until the person gets it right. 

There is essentially no ending point to their suffering. 

In fact, Christianity is the only time tested, resurrection evidenced faith that assures us that God's sacrifice of his Son, Jesus Christ, finished the race and assured us of our salvation. 

It is the one faith where God truly understands what it means to suffer because he, himself, suffered the loss of his son.

At the Minnesota Teen Challenge service, we heard numerous testimonies of men who were able to overcome their drug and alcohol addictions through their personal faith in Jesus Christ. 

The head person mentioned that Minnesota Teen Challenge is the most successful chemical dependency program in the nation with the highest rate of sobriety among those who complete the program. I concur with that statistic for the simple reason that the program leads people to Christ, unlike the more secularized treatment programs that leave God out of the equation.

 When bad things happen to us we're at a crossroads in life.   We must decide which of two paths to take in life: the path of bitterness and hate with drugs and alcohol because we think it is the only way to numb our pain, or the path of forgiveness and drawing closer to God as you hurt.

For those who pursue anger and outright hatred of God, you conclude if God is so good then why did he allow bad things to happen to me?  One person I knew was so angry with God that he stopped going to church and started frequenting bars to console himself with alcohol.  His life didn't end well because of the anger that ate away at his heart. 

Philip Yancey, has this to say in his book entitled 'Where is God when it hurts?': "suffering involves two main issues: (1) cause--why am I suffering? Who did it?---and (2) response.   By instinct, most of us want to figure out the cause of our pain before we decide how to respond.  But in the book of Job,  God does not allow Job that option- He deflects attention from the issue of cause to the issue of Job's response.

 Christianity is the only one that allows for the reality of suffering. Here are 3 scriptures that highlight this point.

James 1:2-4   "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

1Peter 4: 12-13 " Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange was happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed."

1Peter 1:6-7  "In this, you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have to suffer grief at all kinds of trials.

Dr. Paul Brand, in his work with people with leprosy, teaches us the value of having pain after observing the loss of limbs, feet because they cannot feel the pain of fire.

 Dr. Paul Brand and Philip Yancey were discussing individual Christians who had undergone great suffering. After he had relayed several personal stories, Philipp asked whether the pain had turned those people toward God or away from God. 

Dr. Brand thought for a moment before concluding there was no common response- some grew closer to God, some drifted bitterly away. The main difference seemed to lie in their focus of attention. Those obsessed with the questions about the cause ("what did I do to deserve this? What is God trying to tell me? Am I being punished?) often turned against God. 

 In contrast, the triumphant sufferers who took individual responsibility for their own responses often trusted God in their own discomfort.

The evidence of the risen Christ and the reality that He appears to people in their dream is what draws many who have never known Him to Christ.  

 Jesus isn't some strange being you can't touch or talk to, but he is alive inside those who believe and trust Him as Savior who will help you navigate through whatever painful journey you may be on.  

In 'The Insanity of God, a true story of faith resurrected' by Nik Ripken, it begins with the murder of a son when they were missionaries in Somalia and it concludes with his travels around the world visiting persecuted Christians and seeing how their faith continues to be alive after major suffering.

 It was his travel to China's underground church that revitalized his faith. This is the dialog he shared. 

He asked whether, when, and how the oppressed could truly threaten a totalitarian oppressor. 

They offered this scenario in response:   The security police regularly harass a believer where a house church meets. The police say, "You have got to stop these meetings! If you do not stop these meetings, we will confiscate your house, and we will throw you out into the street. Then the property owner will probably respond, " Do you want my house? Do you want my farm? Well, if you do, then you need t talk to Jesus because I gave this property to Him." 

The security officer will not know what to make of that answer. So they will say, "We don't have any way to get to Jesus, but we can certainly get to you!" When we take your property you and your family will have nowhere to live!"  And the house church  believers will declare, "Then we will be free to trust God for shelter as well as for our daily bread." 

 "If you keep this up, we will beat you!" the persecutors will tell them. "Then we will be free to trust Jesus for healing," the believers will respond. 

" And then we will put you in prison!" the police will threaten.  By now, the believer's response is almost predictable: 

" Then we will be free to preach the good news of Jesus to the captives, to set them free. We will be free to plant churches in prison." 

" If you try to do that we will kill you!" the frustrated authorities will vow. And with utter consistency, the house church believers will reply, "Then we will be free to go to heaven and be with Jesus forever!"  It was after his travel to China that Nick Ripken became convinced that the resurrection power of Christ was still real to believers today. 

Nick sensed it in their spirits and he had seen overwhelming evidence of it in the lives and ministries of so many people still enduring persecution all over the country. 

So, there is purpose in our pain. Our pain draws us closer to His son, Jesus Christ. Our pain allows us to see the reality of heaven so that we will see that our loved ones are not lost, but we will see them again once our life's purpose concludes on earth.

June 10th is a date our family will always remember as the day our daughter Maria died.

 

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I would be completely remiss to not mention anything about our daughter Maria on the anniversary of her death on June 10th, 2007, a day that is forever etched in our memories.  It was the day before on a Saturday when she was discharged from St. Paul Gillette Hospital where she had successful orthopedic surgery to correct the impairment caused by her mild spastic cerebral palsy.  

Her summer was all planned out with friend visits, medical and physical therapy appointments all for the purpose of getting her ready to begin her fifth grade at Meadow Creek Christian School ( now referred to as Legacy Christian academy).

 It was in the early morning hours of June 10th when the commotion began when the EMTs arrive at our house to take over the life-saving responsibilities of my wife's brother Bill. It was in those same hours when our children's pastor, Greg Braley, arrived at our home to comfort our family.  He just happened to be the on-call pastor that night after recently arriving home from his trip to California. 

In addition,  the police chaplain from the city of Coon Rapids who was the senior pastor at the baptist church in Anoka came to our home to comfort us in our time of need.  

As Maria's dad, I had high hopes that the EMTs would find a pulse and she would wake up crying for her mom and dad.   I wished that would have been the case. I prayed it would be the case, but the opposite occurred when the police chaplain came out and told our family in the most gentle way that they did all they could, but they could not find a pulse.  Just like that, she was gone. 

 I will never forget the primal screams that came out of the voices of each of our family members. I hadn't heard those sounds since I was a boy hearing my dad crying when the hospital told him that his last surviving member of his family had died on the operating table. 

I was told that they announced Maria's death in the church service that morning and there was eery silence before loud sobs that occurred around the sanctuary.   The death of a child is every parent's worse nightmare and a journey they wish no one would have to journey on. 

Since her death, I learned that the medical examiner determined that it was the Opioid pain medication that failed to metabolize in her bloodstream that caused her death. In 2007, these medications were considered the standard of care for children undergoing orthopedic surgery, but in 2016 the FDA concluded that Opioids should never be prescribed to children under 18 because of the risk of respiratory depression. 

Since her death, I had the occasion to meet other families who suffered from the loss of a child. I had the privilege to walk beside people going through similar losses through grief share. My Facebook page is filled with friends who suffered similar losses. 

 I learned that by sharing my story and through my faith in Jesus Christ that I can give hope to people that it is possible to recover from this type of loss.  

There are so many people I personally want to thank for supporting me on this journey. Friends like Dave Nyce, Mark Schneider, John Niessen, Jody Abboud and her husband Saado, Pastor Matthew St. John, our former Pastor, Stephen Goold. I also want to thank Jake Mulvihill, director of Legacy Christian Academy, who reached out to me from time to time with words of encouragement and a listening ear. We are indebted to these people and others too numerous to mention for lending their listening ear.

Finally, my faith in Jesus Christ has kept me alive and strong through the darkest days of my life.  I learned that Jesus Christ is not some distant nonverbal being who does not personally care for us, but he is a living Shepherd who is able to walk with us every step of the way of our journey of grief.

My faith in Jesus Christ which began with the salvation prayer I made in the early spring of 1974 assured me not only my eternal destiny but also gave me the hope that I will one day see Maria again.  Until then, my goal is to continue sharing my faith story and leading others to Jesus.

If you are struggling through the incredible pain after the loss of a loved one there is hope that is as close as a grief share group.  https://griefshare.org

Grief Hoarding is when a person is unable to let go of their loved one's belongings because of the false notion it wouldn't honor them.

 

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.

At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me.”

― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

Lately, I have been watching the show Hoarding on Netflix. It is said that approximately 18 million American's have a hoarding disorder.

For those who have never seen the series, it is about people who become so consumed by hoarding things that it has taken over their entire house to the point where there are piles of stuff everywhere they turn.     

In each of the episodes, the common thread to hoarding in each of their lives usually begins after the death of a loved one.  They cannot get themselves to get rid of the things that belong to their deceased family member because they feel it would dishonor their memory.  She illustrated the house of frog statues to drive home her point.  After her mom died, she brought home several of her mom's frog statues. She never liked the frog statues but brought home a few from mom's house to 'remember' her. As friends came to visit her they would notice these statues and assumed she loved frog statues. Each time her friends came over they would give her another frog statue. Pretty soon, there was such an overwhelming pile of clutter that simply took over her life.   She realized that those statues only had meaning for her mother and she did not have to keep them. She began giving all of them away.

She soon learned that our memories are with the person who died, not with their stuff.  Here are some tips she offers to those heading down the path of grief hoarding.

(1.)  If you have an overwhelming need to bring home your loved one's 'stuff'' select only 3 items to bring into your home and place the rest of your loved one's things in a rented storage unit.  

(2)  Every month you can go to the storage locker and see and feel your loved one's items, but this overwhelming clutter will not be in your space.  As you travel to that storage locker there will be a day when you are comfortable parting with some of your loved one's items. 

(3) Remember, your memories are with the person who died, not with the things he/she accumulated. 

A fellow grief share facilitator who regularly volunteers at the Bible for Mission thrift store was asked why we have to take other people's 'junk' when they should have tossed it out in the garbage.  John replied, " Grief does funny things to people that prevent them from throwing their loved ones things out so we have to do it for them."  

Grief hoarding is considered a mental health disorder that truly complicates the grief process by preventing people from recovering as mounds of clutter accumulates.  After some quick internet research and found this company that truly understands the impact that grief can play on the hoarding process.  I am posting this link to give you a resource to help you with the decluttering process after the death of a loved one.  https://hoarders.com/hoarding-clutter-clean-up/

Finally, please remember that God sent his Son, Jesus Christ, to walk with you through the entire grief journey.  Because of that help, you will recover.