Recovering from the loss of a child

24 and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds,25 not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near. Hebrews 10:24-25

The epicenter of grief. 

Like throwing a rock into a pond, the waves of grief flows outward, hitting all who knew that person.

It starts with the initial tremor at the very epicenter.

John and Kathy Smith had just brought their son home from the hospital for a routine tonsillectomy. Their son, Josh, was glad to be back home where he could sleep in his own bed surrounded by all of his  treasured possessions and his loved ones. Three hours after putting her son to bed Kathy woke up to check on him, only to find him unresponsive. She screams at the top of her lungs for her husband to come quickly. John quickly sizes up the situation and immediately starts CPR while telling Kathy to call 9-1-1.

Grief is a universal emotion that hits everyone who loved that person. The severity of  the response is dependent on how close we were to the loved one who died.

Then a strong aftershock occurs.

John and Kathy are in the living room praying for a miracle trying to hold it together for their other child.when the police chaplain comes out with those words no parent or loved one ever want to hear. "I'm truly sorry", the chaplain chokes up before continuing,"they did all they could,  but were unable to revive Josh."  Kathy collapses into John's arms while exclaiming, "no, no, nooooooo!"John tries to encourage the EMT's  to keep trying to revive Josh, but the one in charge goes over the checklist of everything they did to attempt to revive Josh. Their faces were equally in shock for they all had children Josh's age.The thing most of them wanted to do was go home and tell their child how much daddy loves them.

Many EMT's become distraught when a child dies and some are unable to return to the profession.

 It is at that point that John could no longer be strong and he too collapsed in a heap of sobs while reverberating to himself his failure as a dad to keep Josh alive.

Then a much stronger shock occurs.

When their surviving child  just learned that his brother was no longer alive he breaks down into heavy sobs as dad clutches him tighter as if he wanted his son to know that dad was going to protect him from the pain that has been thrust on him.

Once the EMT's and the police chaplain left John and Kathy knew that tomorrow was going to be a difficult day for their family which meant they had to get sufficient sleep. They decided for their family to sleep downstairs where they could all be together through this painful night.

The tremors calm down while the family slept.

Then the aftershocks are felt.

When Kathy told her parents about Josh's death her mom cried loudly into her phone. She could hear loud moans coming from her mom as she grappled with the realities of her grandson's death. When John told his parents they both collapsed from the weight of their grief.

Then a series of more aftershocks were felt.

John and Kathy called their son's school and within the hour, they started getting phone calls from Josh's friends and their parents who were equally despondent when they heard the news.

  All day long friends and neighbors came by their home to express sorrow.

Grief can affect a whole population as is the recent mass shootings in San Bernardino, Sandy Hook, and certainly, the day we witnessed two passenger jets slam into the World Trade Towers on September 11, 2001

 Yet, we have a tendency in our culture to want to 'grieve alone.'

 We fail to see the many connecting dots between the one who died and those who knew that person. Because we do not see others around us in pain, we grieve alone.

The aftershocks can linger for many months and even years after the original tremor.  Unresolved grief  can come out in the form of classroom learning problems, high-risk behavior, prolong depression and problems with the law; when many of his classmates continue to struggle with classroom learning, the classroom teacher may fail to connect their troubled student with their grief and refer them for ADHD testing. 

 Some are leaving their faith they once held in esteem.

Some are giving up on life and living the addictive cycle of drugs and alcohol.

 Some people who experience a traumatic loss may leave their faith because of the false thinking that "if God had only heard my prayer my loved one would still be alive." 

 For others, grief can actually strengthen their faith and reliance on God.

As a father who has suffered the loss no parent ever wants to experience,  I can tell  that God sent our family 'signs' that he would help us recover from our grief, but we had to 'trust him that he knows what he is doing with our lives.

The next time you feel the ripple of grief please know that there are others feeling the same pain of that loss. 
Don't deny that it is there. 

Don't try to go it alone, 

Lean into those emotions, trusting God with one step at a time and try talking with trusted friends about your pain. 

Please remember that God had a full plan for the life of your friend, but because we live in a fallen world unexplained death occurs.

 Finally, remember that God had the final victory when over 2000 years ago he allowed his son, Jesus Christ, to be crucified and buried before giving his son the final  victory with his resurrection  and the promise to us all that 'all things have been made new and that one day when we take our final earthly breath we will see our loved ones again!

One day, God will use your story to inspire others to survive their own journeys of loss.