More than just sadness: The Ripple effect of Unprocessed Grief

More Than Just Sadness: The Ripple Effect of Unprocessed Grief

Grief is a universal human experience. It's the natural, often overwhelming, response to loss – whether that's the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, the loss of a job, a major life transition, or even the loss of a dream. We tend to associate grief primarily with sadness, tears, and a period of withdrawal.

But what happens when grief isn't given the space, time, or tools it needs to run its course? What if it gets stuck, denied, or suppressed? The answer, often, is a cascade of "secondary conditions" that can profoundly impact our physical, mental, and emotional well-being, sometimes long after the initial loss occurred.

When Grief Goes Underground: What is "Unprocessed Grief"? Unprocessed grief isn't about "getting over" a loss – because some losses are never truly "gotten over." Instead, it's about the healthy integration of that loss into your life. When grief is unprocessed, it can manifest as:

Avoidance: Actively trying not to think or feel about the loss.

Numbness: A persistent inability to feel emotions deeply.

Getting Stuck: Remaining in one stage of grief for an extended period, unable to move forward.

Societal Pressure: Feeling compelled to "be strong" or "move on" before you're ready.

When grief doesn't find a healthy outlet, it doesn't disappear. It simply goes underground, often emerging in unexpected and damaging ways.

The Ripple Effect: Secondary Conditions of Unprocessed Grief The body and mind are intricately connected. What we don't process emotionally, our physical and mental health often bear the brunt of.

1. Physical Manifestations: Our Bodies Keep the Score Persistent emotional stress from unresolved grief can wreak havoc on your physical health:

Chronic Fatigue: A pervasive sense of exhaustion, even after adequate sleep.

Compromised Immune System: Frequent colds, infections, and a general feeling of being run down.

Digestive Issues: Stomach aches, IBS, nausea, or changes in appetite.

Increased Aches & Pains: Headaches, muscle tension, back pain, or the exacerbation of existing chronic conditions.

Sleep Disturbances: Insomnia, nightmares, or restless sleep.

Heart Issues: Studies have linked intense grief, especially after spousal loss, to an increased risk of heart problems.

2. Mental & Emotional Toll: The Mind Becomes a Battlefield

The mental and emotional landscape can become turbulent without healthy grief processing:

Anxiety & Panic Attacks: A persistent sense of dread, worry, or sudden, intense episodes of fear.

Depression: Prolonged sadness, loss of interest in activities, hopelessness, and even suicidal ideation.

Irritability & Anger: Snapping at loved ones, feeling easily frustrated, or experiencing unexplained rage.

Numbness & Apathy: A feeling of detachment from life, people, and even one's own self.

Substance Abuse: Turning to alcohol, drugs, or other addictive behaviors to self-medicate or escape the pain.

Difficulty Concentrating: Brain fog, poor memory, and an inability to focus on tasks.

Trust Issues: Becoming cynical, withdrawn, or struggling to form new, healthy attachments.

Existential Crisis: Questioning life's meaning, purpose, or spiritual beliefs.

3. Relational & Social Impact: Isolation and Strain

(P)Unprocessed grief often impacts our connections with others:

Social Withdrawal: Retreating from friends, family, and activities once enjoyed. Strained Relationships: Lashing out at loved ones, difficulty communicating needs, or pushing people away.

Codependency: Becoming overly reliant on others to fill the emotional void.(P) Difficulty Forming New Connections: Fear of future loss can prevent opening up to new people.

Why Do We Get Stuck? Several factors contribute to unprocessed grief:

Societal Expectations: The pressure to "move on" quickly.

Lack of Support: Not having a safe space or people to talk to.

Fear of Pain: Believing it's easier to avoid the intense emotions.

Previous Trauma: Past unresolved experiences can complicate current grief.

Complicated Loss: Ambiguous losses (e.g., a missing person, a loved one with dementia), or losses involving trauma or violence.

Finding Your Way Through: Paths to Healing

Acknowledging that you might be experiencing secondary conditions due to unprocessed grief is the crucial first step. Healing is possible, and you don't have to navigate it alone.

Acknowledge Your Grief: Give yourself permission to feel what you feel, without judgment.

Talk About It: Share your feelings with a trusted friend, family member, or support group.

Seek Professional Help: A therapist specializing in grief and loss can provide tools, strategies, and a safe space to process your emotions. This is especially helpful if you're experiencing severe secondary conditions.

Practice Self-Care: Prioritize sleep, nutrition, gentle exercise, and activities that bring you comfort and peace.

Be Patient with Yourself: Grief is not linear, and healing takes time. There will be good days and bad days.

Find Meaning: Over time, some people find solace in honoring their loss through rituals, memorials, or by engaging in activities that reflect the values of what they've lost.

If you recognize any of these patterns in your own life or the life of someone you care about, please know that help is available. Unprocessed grief doesn't have to be a life sentence. By leaning into the discomfort and seeking support, you can begin the journey towards healing and reclaiming your well-being.

If you are struggling with unresolved grief or any of the secondary conditions mentioned, please reach out to a mental health professional or a grief support organization in your area. You are not alone. One organization I would recommend is Https://www.griefshare.org

This song resonates for many people going through the loss of their loved ones

You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending. C.S. Lewis

Our emotions lie to us, and we need to counter our emotions with truth. Billy Graham

This song sung by, America, a popular group from the 70's resonates with many going through grief-that has stood the test of time even today.

Grief is a lonely experience that leaves people lost and bewildered when it happens. As though they're alone on an island with absolutely no human connection. When the funeral ends and the flowers have wilted is whenwe notice friends who drifting away and sadness becomes overwhelming. At first, I saw this as outright rejection of my suffering, but, over time I learned that my friends haven't rejected me, but merely needed to get back to their own lives.

This is for all the lonely people Thinkin' that life has passed them by

Don't give up until you drink from the silver cup And ride that highway in the sky.

This stanza is a reminder for us all to turn to God to help us through our sorrow.

This is for all the single people Thinkin' that love has left them dry Don't give up until you drink from the silver cup You never know until you try We grieve for all those moments that we might have missed with our loved one.

Our sadness makes us think that life has passed us by like a slow moving car on a freeway of faster moving ones. Our brains take longer to process information we once were able to do faster. Our minds become consumed by the heavy emotions as we try to find a way out of the black hole.

Often, this is a time when we hit a proverbial fork in the road.

One path leads us the Lord while the other path leads us down a destructive path of anger, unforgiveness, drugs and alcohol.

Well, I'm on my way Yes, I'm back to stay Well, I'm on my way back home

A person who leans on the Lord to help them conquer their pain often comes out stronger and more resiliant than they were before grief.

This is for all the lonely people Thinkin' that life has passed them by Don't give up until you drink from the silver cup Never take you down or never give you up Never know until you try

Grief is so individualize that there really isn't a set time line before you're healed, nor can you compare you're grief with someone else going through the process.

For a parent losing a child, it may take at least 10 years to fully recover. Grief isn't like a light switch you can simply turn off. This may sound daunting to those who simply want the pain to end, but I can offer some tips from my own experience tp help you on the grief journey.

1. Continue doing the same rituals you were doing before your loss. For me, this meant continuing to attend a the same weekly church service I attended before the loss. I watched some bereaved people stop going to church all together because of how it hurts sitting in the sanctuary without your loved one. By regularely going to church you allow God to use others around you to befriend you and help you heal.

2. Seek out wise counsel from a therapist that understands the effects of trauma on people. Sudden deaths can be especially grualing on people and a good therapist will walk with you to better understand the effects of trauma on your loss.

3. Schedule an appointment to get some blood workup and a physical exam with your primary care provider. Grief can have such a profound impact on the body that the chemistry falls out of alignment.

One example of this is the sometimes fatal effects of broken heart syndrome.

One well known example was the death of Carrie Fisher's mom. A short time later this star wars icon died from broken heart syndrome.

4. Practice self care such as signing up for a griefshare.org group nearest you. This is especially important because it is critical you find a support group of people who are non-judgemental and supportive of what you're going through. Another example of self care is getting a step counter and setting a goal of achieveing 5,000 to 10,000 steps.

God understands what you're going through because He also lost a son. It was the resurrection of his son that made it possible for all of us to see our loved ones again. Now that is a beautiful thought. For those looking for a griefshare group, you can locate one at Griefshare.org.

Source: Musixmatch Songwriters: Daniel M. Peek / Catherine L. Peek

As God tenderizes us through the pain and sorrow, he makes us the kind of Christians we need to be to help others when they begin their grief journeys

These past couple of weeks were filled with patient endurance as we helped clean out and get rid of the clutter from my wife's mothers home- a home she hasn't lived in for 3 years due to her death. Today, my wife and I attended the celebration of life service for James Parker who lost his battle with cancer. We were there because his family needed the presense of frinds who will support them through the daunting recovery process. Over the years, I have had conversations with many about the importance of going to funeral services. Some have told me that they try to avoid those public displays of sorrow 'becauase it makes them sad. What they failed to realized is it's not about how it's going to effect them, but their presense will do more to remind the family who experienced the loss that they are loved and we are there to support them. When Maria, our 10 year old daughter died suddenly in 2007, it was our friends who took time out of their busy day to attend our daughter's celebration of life service that made a huge difference in helping us heal. As I look back over those years, I can attest that God tenderize me through those my loss by reminding from his word that when we grieve, we grieve with hope that Christ shed blood on the cross assures us that we will see our loved ones again, but only after our purpose is completed on earth. To those who are grieving, I assure you that recovery will happen. It may take time, but you will come out of darkness into the beautiful sunlight. Suggestions to reach that goal include: 1) continue worshipping at the same church when you loved one was alive. 2) take care of your physical health by making a appointment for a physical ( Grief can take it's toll on the human body.) 3) Start a journal where you can write all your daily emotions on paper where you can see it on paper. 4) If grief share is available near you, attend a group. Grief share is a 13 week that will walk you through the grief precess. Https://griefshare.org Lastly, remember that God loves you, feels your pain, will through the savior, Jesus Christ will walk with you through the pain.

Sometimes work can be a buffer that protects us from the emotions of loss and when we don't have that distraction to go to our grief comes roaring back. The lament of a retired dad

Like most men, I loved what I did in my career. It gave me joy to see people rise about their barriers to become once again, successfully employed. Their succcess was partly their motivation and will to finally succeed in this life. Like most guys, work became a way to set aside the trauma when loss occurred because for one brief moment each day got to go their job to engage with the public. It was the single place where many didn't know he was hurting, much less that he loss someone who was precious to him.

What does a man do when retirement creeps up on him. How does he avoid the insufferable pain associated from his loss? How does he avoid the flashbacks and nightmares stemming to the time of his loss? He has no job to go to, no structure to his day to take his mind off of things. He thought he recovered from that loss because he learned to function at work without too much difficulty.

Here are some suggestions from a grieving dad who has been there. (1) Replace the glass of alcohol for water. Did you know that alcohol is a depressant that can actually make your life worse?

(2) Did you also know that any remaining unresolved grief can actually go into the cellular and organ level sometimes causing life threatening health issues. One medical doctor discovered this after years of research that involved interviewing children, teens and young adults. Unresolved grief is a dangerous thing to a grieving person. It can cause cancer, breathing disorders, heart and systhmic conditions.

(3) Make sure you get a healthy dose of structure and rituals in your life. We were divinely created by God in his own image. Our task is to worship God at a designated time and space each week. For me, I chose to worship my living Savior, Jesus Christ, with my wife at the same church we attended when our daughter was alive. My rationale is this gives us to model healthy grieving to those around us. It also allows us to receive a timely word of encouragment from someone in that sancturary.

(4) I encourage you to see your doctor and get a thorough check-up to make sure you stay healthy. Make sure to ask that blood workup is done just to give you peace of mind that nothing looming is happening under the skin.

(5) Join a exercise group so you can keep moving. The human body is meant to move and moving keeps those parts well lubricated.

(6) For some, you may need to join a grief group somewhere just so you can practice a little self care. I recommend griefshare.org as it is a group that goes for 14 weeks. The weekly lessons, video. and discussion will enhance your ability to function in life.

Get outside and stop and smell the roses in those retirement years becuase God loves you and continues to have a beautiful plan for your life.