Your mission Mr. G. will be to educate people on the grief process. In 30 seconds this message will destroy itself

Psalm 119:105 Your word is a lamp to my feet, and a light to my path

My favorite show growing up was watching the Peter Graves version of 'Mission Impossible' with it's never ending action trying to solve international crimes. When the movie version came out in recent years I was quite disappointed because the movie didn't stay true to the original series.

Our lives, it seems, can take on a mission impossible path. One day a package arrives in the mail with a tape recorder with instructions on our next adventure.

When our daughter Maria died on June 10th, 2007 my life changed.  Once I was able to work through all of the messy grief and resolve my anger I saw my mission as educating others on the horrible grief process. It wasn't an overnight healing. It took me years to fully recover from this type of grief, but when I reached my new normal I began to see a need to share my story with others. People say they know how to handle their grief, but do they really? 

I found along my path of discovery people who are still trying to recover from grief often many years later. One family revisited the their pain of losing their daughter many years later when they heard about our loss.Why?  American's, it seems, are not very good at recovering from their grief. Most of us would rather find a nice looking hypothetical box, take the lid off of it and stuff all of their hurts and pains of their grief into that box before placing the cover back on it and sliding it way in the back of the shelf where they hope they will never see it again.  We are often told to just 'get over it' and move on.  The problem with this type of thinking is that unless you process all of your emotions and your pain your grief will always be there because when future losses occur  your earlier grief will resurface.

Like the character in Mission Impossible I felt that I was given a tape recorder with this message: " Good morning Mr. G. your mission should you choose to accept it is to use your grief journey to help others to recover from grief. This is a monumental task because you will come up against most people who will attempt to place their emotional pain into a box and shove it away forever.  I have placed you in such a time as this to help others with their grief journey.  This tape will self destruct in 30 seconds.'  

When the end of each episode arrived the good guys always won. Good trumped evil every time. God can take the worst tragedy in our lives and make it into something positive.  My mom would often remind us that when given a lemon, make lemonade.  When grief occurs you may not feel normal, but if you lean into your grief, like a guy leans into his sail, your grief will get better.  It may take weeks, months, or even years, but you will come out a better, stronger and more resilient person. 

I encourage you to find a version of the bible you understand and begin reading from the beginning of the new testament and as you read take notes and write in a journey about insights and reflections that cross your mind as your read.  God will bring something new to you each new day of your grief journey.  I also encourage you to find a local church and even though it will feel like walking on hot desert sand attend that local church  Sunday after Sunday. You may not feel like singing joyful songs, but that is OK. As you honor God by placing one foot in front of the other God will help you recover from whatever tragedy that is in your life.  

As you travel this grief journey you may decide like me to help others recover from their grief. As I am reminded with the words from Revelation 'God really does make all things new'. 

.

You are a gift from God

Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

As we send our college bound students off to another year of study it is a good reminder that God is ultimately the one that will shape their futures.  After all, it was God that brought these young people into our families.

Think back to all of the late night prayers you had with your wife asking for God's blessings on giving you a child. Think of the agonizingly sleepless nights you had waiting for the news you wanted to get. The first words out of your mouth was most likely 'praise God'.

 Think of all the late nights of checking on our children when they were sick, or the times when you knew your child needed to be hospitalized.  It seems that before you blink an eye you are saying goodbye as they begin their college careers.  Our children are only with us for a very brief moment of time.

 Time seems to never slow down. We want it to slow down, but when school begins comes the busyness of homework, extracurricular activities, serving as volunteers on their field trips.  The pace of their lives continues to accelerate with each ascending grade.  There is, it seems, little time to stop and smell the roses and enjoy the beauty of each stage.  Life  accelerates as we work toward providing summer vacations and memories for our children.  We  try to create memories of summer vacations to places like Disney World, the north shore, or a simple stay in a cabin.

My wife and I  moved our son into the freshman dorm at the University of Northwestern. The separation began the next two days as parents and students went their separate ways to campus workshops. They were taught how to succeed in college and we were taught the importance of letting our son's and daughter's to do things on their own. In essence, we were told that our helicoptering days are over. To realize that we must relinquish control and allow  our young adult's  to succeed on their own. 

Then I realized that it was God who brought them into our world.  It was God who helped them through the trials of growing up and it was God who brought them to this place we know as the University. God loves our kids as much as we do and knowing this I know that our Adult children will be in good hands.

Knowing this fact helps us to relax a little, put down  our helicopter controls and allow God to take control of their young lives. Our job is complete and now we can sit back and watch the beauty of God's workmanship take place in our children.  

Nerves of Steel: going to college for the first time

“God will never disappoint us… If deep in our hearts we suspect that God does not love us and cannot manage our affairs as well as we can, we certainly will not submit to His discipline. …To the unbeliever the fact of suffering only convinces him that God is not to be trusted, does not love us. To the believer, the opposite is true.” Elisabeth Elliot
In every household where a graduating senior resides is an atmosphere filled with nervousness and anxiety. Nervousness over the unknown of starting over in the big leagues known as the university. Nervousness over the unknown over how well they will perform in these big leagues. In these households are incoming freshmen anxious about what courses to take, how much studying is required for those courses, and whether they have what it takes to perform at that level. In those households are nervous parents worried for their grown children who are now moving into a more independent state away from the safer place they called home.

My son is getting ready to begin his quest for higher education. The week has been filled with connecting with advisor's, applying for the federal subsidized student loan, taking pre-tests and mourning the final weeks of his summer. Celebrating his graduation is over and the journey to discovering his strengths and pursuing his course of study is about to begin. In every household this scenario repeats itself. Nervous kids, anxious parents and finally deciding to walk by faith trusting God that the right decisions had been made for the right college.

Walking by faith doesn't come easy for us. Especially, when we pride ourselves with our accomplishments. It is easy for us to feel proud of the hard work we put into those accomplishments. It is easy to forget that our accomplishments were made possible because of God made it possible. The Lord directs our paths and provides us with the means and the end to complete the monumental task at hand. The Lord loves us and knows what is best for us.

Knowing this we can be at peace that our soon to be college freshmen will be in good hands. Our father in heaven will become their father who will guide them all the days of their collegiate experience. We can have confidence as we pray for our young people that God will hear and honor our prayers and in the end they will come out of their collegiate experience ready to tackle tomorrow's jobs.

Hold On

Whatever you do, do it with all your heart, as for the Lord, and not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. --- Col. 3:23-24

Our lives are like a book. A book that is filled with compelling pages of our daily lives. Each chapter is written differently depending  on what is happening in our lives. Each page of our life is filled with words that keep us captivated. Each page will bring tears of joy, laughter, or sorrow depending on the events of that day, week, month or year.  The final chapter of our life can be one of hope, or it can be one of sorrow depending on the decisions we have made.

 I recently read a story of sorrow and deep pain of a 70's series actress that recently died because of her failed recovery from drug and alcohol addiction.  When the series ended she ventured down a path of alcohol and drug problems so severe that it lead to legal problems. Her life started off as one of happiness in being in a popular television series while ending in pain when her previous success could not be duplicated.

My story is one of great gladness beginning with my marriage to Linda, our adoption of two very beautiful children, happy times with them until our daughter's untimely death. Sorrow and tears of sadness followed for several years.  The story didn't end bad because I knew that my Savior Jesus Christ was experiencing sadness with Maria's untimely passing. My wife, son and I  all experienced Him walking personally with each of us on this journey.   Each of us have pages that  conclude with a mighty Crescendo of praises that God can turn any life storm into a victory march. My son has experienced being used by God to help several of his classmates with their own grief and sorrow.  He was used that way because of how his life story was written.  

 Our story, I hope, will give hope to the hopeless that no matter what painful thing has happened to you God will bring you through that pain and use that pain for the glory of God.

As we experience the loss of loved ones we have the hope that we will see them again when the final ink has dried in the final paragraph and chapter of our lives.  Which is why this song ministered to me.  May your life give hope to those who are without hope. May your life story be the crescendo that shouts to the world that Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow and by hanging on to the Savior you will have hope for tomorrow.

Celebrate Life

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.Isaiah 41:10

One of our families favorite movie was watching 'Finding Nemo'. We watched it when we were a family of four and we watched it as a family of three. The movie took on a different meaning after our daughter's sudden loss. Why? After losing his entire brood Marlin vowed to watch over Nemo to keep him from being a victim. He was very overprotected when it came to protecting Nemo. When Marlin watches a deep sea diver capturing Nemo in a net he vows to go out and find him.

The film takes on comical dimensions when the Marlin meets Dory, who is the fish with the short term memory problems. You might remember Dory as always enjoying the moment while Marlin is always serious is to the point where Dory refers to Marlin as 'Mr. Grumpy face'. Dory becomes his partner in search of his son.

I identified with 'Mr. grumpy face' because for the first few years after we lost Maria I found myself in a perpetual state of fear trying to protect my remaining child. I realized as I traveled my grief journey that I wasn't alone. Fear and anxiety are often the companions of dads who suffered the loss of a child. As dads we carry a lot of weight on our shoulders trying to protect our family that when one of our own dies we are tormented with guilt as we wrestle with the 'what if's' and the 'why's. 

Getting through that process to true healing takes time. One foot in front of the other time. Allowing God to walk with you as you wrestle with these emotions time. There is no magic cure-all for getting through the grief process and at times it may seem like a painstaking slow process.

Recently, our family turned a new chapter in our lives. We chose to embrace life by decluttering 25 years worth of paper work that we have never looked at, nor do we have the time to look at nor is their a need to look at it. We had paperwork for appliances that have long sense been gone. We had loan paperwork for old cars long sense trashed. We cleared out the entire metal file cabinet of stuff we no longer needed and filled up 1/2 of the recycle container in the garage. When we were done we moved our son's bedroom into the bedroom that use to be the den. I was able to get a new den. We celebrated his independence.

There are so many things in life that cause us to want to celebrate. The beauty of the outdoors, birds chirping, the squirrels jumping from branch to branch, the road trips to Mount Rushmore, Yellowstone are some of the examples and boating on one of the many lakes we have in Minnesota are just some of the ways of celebrating life.

The beauty of truly understanding what Christ did for each of us and his promise that He has gone to prepare a place for us is the assurance that when our lives end they will continue in the beautiful place we call heaven. Heaven will simply be eye candy for us to enjoy for all eternity.

Embrace life and enjoy it to your hearts content. Life is not as dangerous as the media wants us to believe.

Embracing fear by holding on tightly to our kids will only instill fear in our kids. Fearful kids will have a harder time navigating the world they live in than fearless kids. Fearful kids will have a harder time making decisions about what to pursue in college, who to marry, what job they should accept. Because of what God did for us in providing Christ we have nothing to fear in this life. Embrace life and remember that as you celebrate each day here on this earth our loved ones are experiencing heaven in all of it's high definition color!

A 9-1-1 call on the way back from a youth missions trip

Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. James 4:14
I was reminded once again of the brevity of life when our son told us the story of what happened coming back from North Carolina on the final leg of the trip. He was riding in the lead van with 8 other young people.  He had been reading a book when he looked up along with everyone else and saw a car that had lost control and flew over the concrete barrier, flipping several times before coming to a stop.  One of the Adult leaders on the trip flew out of the van running, jumped over the median with Superman strength, and was the first person to reach the car. He was able to help the two teenage daughters and the mom out of the car. He tried to help the dad, but the door would not budge open. The second person to arrive at the scene was a medical doctor who just happened to be traveling that same route. He was able to stabilize the man before emergency help arrived.

My son was in the lead van and was given the I-phone to make the 9-1-1 phone call. I asked him how he felt when he made this call and he responded that he was calm and was able to give the operator the information they needed to respond.  He said it wasn't long before emergency response arrived.

In a split second a family of four went from having an ordinary fun outing to a world of uncertainty. In a split second a family of four goes from having happy together times to times where just getting through the day will take Herculean effort.

In a split second those on this missions trip learned about the brevity of life.  

Life isn't about how much you make, how big your bank account is, or how many professional titles you can accumulate in a life time. It isn't about how many exotic vacations we can take in a life time.  Life is about knowing Jesus Christ and making Him known so others can experience the security that only Christ can bring to a person.  

There was a reason for their missions team to be at that spot when the accident happened. The efforts of this Adult leader, the 9-1-1 call, and the prayers of everyone on this trip, helped this family to get the help they needed for such a time as this. 

The reality is that life is short, but knowing Christ as Savior and Lord will assure that when it comes to a screeching halt that we will wake up in a brand new spiritual body hugging our Savior and Lord and hearing those words, "Well done my good and faithful servant".

Tonight, beautiful memories were made while listening to the sounds of Ecuador Manta.

Oh come, let us sing to the Lord; let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation!

Psalm 95:1

My wife and I had a wonderful evening eating a picnic supper to the sounds of Ecuador Manta, a singing group from the Andes mountains in the country of Ecuador. 

In previous years we had the beautiful memories of taking our two children to this park to hike across the dam, to ride our bikes across the dam with little Maria riding in the bike trailer usually attached to either parent's bikes. My son would be riding his own bike. I often remember thinking as I pulled my little girl and wondering about the day she would be able to ride her own bike just like her older brother.  It is every parent's wish to see their children grow up into young adults who are able to make decisions for themselves, plan things with their friends, and find their life's work they will enjoy. 

On this day it was only my wife and I enjoying the beauty and tranquility of this place. Today our son was leading his own independent life on the final days of his mission trip to Raleigh, North Carolina.  Today, Linda and I were creating new memories of this place. As we listened to the music it brought back memories of another era when we were in Ecuador completing the adoption of our beautiful infant son who was a mere 5 months old baby laying in a crib in a Catholic orphanage.  Every parent will always have that special memory of holding their son or daughter for the very first time.  It is a memory that is permanently imprinted in their mind.

Tonight, I found my self watching people. . 

 I watch their expressions and wonder about their story. I believe everyone has a story. Tonight, I saw a young woman who looked like she was a cancer survivor. She had a head scarf that I presumed covered her hair loss. She was dancing at the front of the stage.  As I watched her dance I thought about her story. Her story of diagnosis and her need to put her life on hold to undergo the life altering treatments. Her story of not knowing if she would live or die depending how successful the chemotherapy was in attacking her cancer. Tonight, I saw a young woman dancing to the tranquility of sounds as though she wanted to forget everything that has happened to her. She was letting herself go through the dance movements. Tonight, she wasn't just a cancer survivor, but someone enjoying the music and her own dancing.

 I saw several young men and woman, with Downs syndrome dancing below the stage. I watched them dance as though for only a few brief hours they forgot they had a disability.   I also saw older couples dancing with their spouses as though their dance was a way of reflecting the deep love relationship for each other despite the pain they had to endure through the years. It was as though their dance was a way of rejoicing that they survived all the years of heartache.

Music has a way of helping all of us to momentarily set aside the worries and the difficulties of life. Music has a way of crossing all economic lines. Music has a way of taking our minds off the mundane and occasionally painful moments of time that cause us to want to weep and ask God 'why'.

We were blessed to  have a child who would grow to love music. We were blessed to hear him develop his talent for singing, for the piano and for the saxophone.  Little did we realize it would be his musical abilities that would help our whole family recover from the sudden loss of our precious daughter. Just as I had the memories of this group tonight I also had the memories of listening to my son play on the piano in the days when we were missing Maria. His music allowed us to momentarily forget the pain of sorrow if only for a few brief moments in time.

At this same concert we were given a blessing.  As though God had given a small window of opportunity to remember Maria.  There was  a 10 year old Hispanic girl with our daughter's build dancing with her adopted sisters below the stage.  For a brief moment of time I was able to remember our little girl. It is as though God gives us those special moments to help us remember the child we once had who now is in a beautiful place we call heaven.

As I looked over at my lovely bride of 25 years I was reminded tonight more than ever how very lucky I am that God brought us together.  He knew what he was doing when we first met, when we first fell in love, as we established our lives together and as we weathered the storm of loss together. Yes, wonderful memories were created tonight to the beautiful sounds of Ecuador Manta!